MRS. P. I've been having such fun.
ETHEL. So have I.
MRS. P. I'm in the middle of a desperate flirtation.
ETHEL. That's exactly what I'm coming to myself.
MRS. P. Ah, but my dear, you don't know what flirtation is. Wait till
you're married. Then's the time.
ETHEL. But _you're_ not married?
MRS. P. I'm not married! Why, my dear, where have you been this age? I
made sure everybody knew that I was married this day week.
ETHEL. I've no doubt you endeavoured to let everybody know, my love;
but being away upon my honeymoon, I didn't hear of it.
MRS. P. What are _you_ married too?
ETHEL. Good gracious! You didn't know that I was married ten days ago!
Where have you been this century?
MRS. P. Then, we've both of us got husbands.
ETHEL. But I got mine first.
MRS. P. Perhaps so. You were always in a hurry to get married.
ETHEL. Was I, love? Then I'd a fault which you had not, for everyone
says you've been long enough about it.
MRS. P. It's quite true I didn't snap at the first offer that was made
to me.
ETHEL. You didn't snap at it, indeed; you were uncommon civil to it.
So polite, in fact, that you accepted it.
MRS. P. The offer that my husband made to me was not the first by any
means.
ETHEL. Then it's true, is it? I had heard that he'd proposed to
several other girls before.
MRS. P. How could you, when you hadn't heard I was married?
ETHEL. But I had heard you were going to be.
MRS. P. Then, why were you astonished when you found I was?
ETHEL. Because, my love, I had dismissed the rumour as incredible.
MRS. P. And who did rumour say had got possession of me?
ETHEL. Rumour didn't say that anyone had got possession of you, dear;
it said that you had got possession of him.
MRS. P. Of whom?
ETHEL. I really couldn't catch his name--they spoke of him as "that
poor fellow."
MRS. P. I don't think that Captain Plunger stands in need of their
commiseration.
ETHEL. Captain Plunger! What, is Captain Plunger married?
MRS. P. Captain Plunger is.
ETHEL. And yet he had the impudence to make me think he wasn't?
MRS. P. Do you mean to say it's Captain Plunger you've been flirting
with?
ETHEL. For all the world as if he was a bachelor! the wretch!
MRS. P. The monster! But I'm even with him; for he can't have flirted
half as hard with you as I have done with Mr. Larkspur.
ETHEL. Mr. Larkspur! Is it Mr. Larkspur you've been flirting with?
MRS. P. Of course it is. He always was a favourite of mine.
ETHEL. But you were not a favourite of his. He doesn't care for you a
bit.
MRS. P. I fear, myself, it's a good deal.
ETHEL. It isn't though, I tell you. He can't bear the sight of you.
MRS. P. I dare say not, my love. It will of course remind him that I
am another's.
ETHEL. But he doesn't care whose you are.
MRS. P. Well, well, you needn't get excited, dear. If you _are_
married, Mr. Larkspur's state of mind is of no consequence to you.
ETHEL. It's just because I'm married that it is of consequence to
me--for I'm his wife.
MRS. P. You Mr. Larkspur's wife? Then Mr. Larkspur's married?
ETHEL. I should think he is.
MRS. P. I am so glad. It was so very painful to suppose that he was
dying for me.
ETHEL. If you have supposed so, you have given yourself a great deal
of superfluous anxiety. He was never better in his life.
MRS. P. I'm very glad to hear it. So he's married you, my dear? I was
afraid, when he perceived I was inflexible, he would do something
rash.
ETHEL. Do you mean to say that he's proposed to you?
MRS. P. I never let him go so far, my pet. But you should see how he
makes love to me.
ETHEL. I will. I'll hide behind the curtains here, like
this--(_retires among the curtains_) and listen with both ears.
MRS. P. Do, darling, and you'll have a pleasant time of it.
_Re-enter EDWIN, through window, L._
You've come back, have you, Mr. Larkspur?
EDWIN. I have come back, Mrs. Plunger.
MRS. P. Oh! You've found out that, I'm married?
EDWIN. And whom to. I must say that I think you might have told me. I
consider that flirtation by a married woman is most reprehensible.
MRS. P. I quite agree with you. I think it almost as abominable as
flirtation by a married man.
EDWIN. Eh?
MRS. P. I congratulate you, Mr. Larkspur.
EDWIN. Then you've heard _I'm_ married? Well I am. I'm married to the
nicest girl in England; but ten days at Dumpington are more than flesh
can stand. I got intolerably tired of its monotony, and for a little
change I thought I would make love to you.
MRS. P. What, for a little change!
EDWIN. No other reason I assure you. Fortunately, Ethel thought she'd
occupy the time in making love to Captain Plunger. I didn't like her
making love to him, and so I thought she mightn't like my making love
to you, and I'm not going to do it any more. I further beg to state
that Mrs. Larkspur is not on the look out for a husband, that in my
opinion she has not gone off at all, and that I don't believe she ever
angled after anyone.
ETHEL. (_running out_) You dear old darling, you're the greatest love
that is or ever was or ever will be. I don't care for anyone but you.
I only flirted to cure you. I beg your pardon, and I'll never do so
any more; and you'll forgive me, won't you? (_on her knees_)
EDWIN. Ethel, are you on the look-out for a husband?
ETHEL. Edwin, did you never see a girl three times without proposing
to her?
EDWIN. Did you angle after Captain Plunger?
ETHEL. Did you say that if you'd thought I should accept you, you
should never have proposed to me?
EDWIN. I didn't. You've been told a lot of wicked stories. (_raising
her_)
ETHEL. So have you.
MRS. P. What a delightful reconciliation!
EDWIN. Yes, it is delightful, Mrs. Plunger, to discover in one's wife
a woman who's as amiable after marriage as before.
MRS. P. Oh, Ethel always had the reputation of an amiable woman.
People said, when I was quite a child, she was an amiable woman.
ETHEL. (_aside to EDWIN_) Never mind her, she doesn't know that
Captain Plunger first proposed to me.
EDWIN. What, in his whiskers?
ETHEL. Yes.
EDWIN. And you rejected them?
ETHEL. For you!
EDWIN. I've licked the whiskers! Bravo! "See the conquering hero
comes, sound the trumpets, beat the drums!" (_band strikes up again_)
Oh, no, don't, please.
_Re-enter CAPTAIN PLUNGER through R. window._
CAPT. Here's that dreadful band again. The leader says the bagpipes
have told everyone we're pitching out half crowns, and all the music
in the town is on its way here.
MRS. P. Captain Plunger, I am given to understand that you've been
going on with Mrs. Larkspur in a most improper manner.
CAPT. Nothing of the sort, my love. I never flirt--when you are with
me.
EDWIN. If he has, you must forgive him this time, Mrs. Plunger, as my
wife's forgiven me. (_band stops_)
CAPT. What's she forgiven you, Larkspur?
ETHEL. I've forgiven him his going on with Mrs. Plunger.
CAPT. So have I. I don't at all resent his going on with Mrs. Plunger.
MRS. P. Oh, you monster!
CAPT. What I should resent would be his going off with Mrs. Plunger.
MRS. P. I mean, oh, you darling.
_Re-enter WAITER, R._
WAITER. If you please, the family with the measles has sent up to say
as how they can't have all the music turned away. It brings the rash
out beautiful.
EDWIN. All right then. Let them have their fill. It makes no
difference to us, as we leave Dumpington to-morrow.
WAITER. Leave to-morrow, sir! What for?