ETHEL. _His_ name. I thought it was a man. Well, what's his name?
CAPT. His name is Larkspur.
ETHEL. Larkspur!
CAPT. Larkspur.
ETHEL. It's my turn to beg your pardon now. You're very much mistaken.
Mr. Larkspur doesn't care for her at all.
CAPT. Indeed; I wonder what possessed him to propose to her.
ETHEL. Propose to her!
CAPT. Yes, don't you know that he's proposed to her?
ETHEL. I don't believe it--not a word of it!
CAPT. I have it on the very best authority.
ETHEL. On whose?
CAPT. On Miss Carruthers' own.
ETHEL. Oh! Miss Carruthers' own! ha, ha, ha! Captain Plunger, now I
should have thought with your experience of the world you would have
known that upon such a subject Miss Carruthers' was the very worst
authority you could possibly have.
CAPT. I'm sure she hinted that he had proposed to her.
ETHEL. That I can quite believe. But she is labouring under a mistake.
The wish was husband to the thought.
CAPT. I think the probabilities are in her favour. Mr. Larkspur is the
sort of man who would propose to her, and it would only be one more
rejection added to the quantity he has already suffered.
ETHEL. What, has Mr. Larkspur then proposed to someone else?
CAPT. They say, he never sees a girl three times without proposing to
her.
ETHEL. And he's always unsuccessful?
CAPT. Well, I did hear a vague rumour that some girl or other had at
last had pity on him,--but by Jove, she must have been hard up.
ETHEL. Indeed! He must have been astonished at his sudden change of
fortune.
CAPT. Quite knocked over. So I heard. He'd got so used to being
rejected, that he felt quite disappointed when he was accepted. And
between us two----
ETHEL. Yes.
CAPT. I shouldn't like his wife to hear it--but between us two, he
told a friend of mine that if he'd thought she'd have accepted him,
he'd never have proposed to her.
ETHEL. Did he? How very amusing!
CAPT. Oh, extremely entertaining. It'd be a very good joke to tell his
wife.
ETHEL. I wouldn't do that. It is a very good joke, but perhaps she
mightn't see it.
CAPT. Perhaps not: wives are very dull. But he's a rum fish. Everybody
cuts his joke at him. Indeed, he's got so laughed at that he's started
for Australia.
ETHEL. Do you say so?
CAPT. At Southampton now.
ETHEL. He's at Southampton?
CAPT. So my friend says.
ETHEL. I'm afraid your friend is not to be implicitly relied upon, for
Mr. Larkspur happens to be here.
CAPT. In Dumpington?
ETHEL. At this hotel.
CAPT. Then, that's the man who's flirting with my--that is, Miss
Carruthers.
ETHEL. Where?
CAPT. Upon the balcony.
ETHEL. Is Mr. Larkspur on the balcony with Miss Carruthers? (_runs to
window_)
CAPT. I have reason to believe so.
ETHEL. So he is. Oh, very well. (_returns_) Shall _we_ go out upon the
balcony?
CAPT. The waiter said he thought they didn't want to be interrupted.
ETHEL. Don't they? That's the very reason, then, why we should
interrupt them. Would you kindly let me take your arm?
CAPT. With pleasure.
ETHEL. Won't it be delightful?
CAPT. Oh, enchanting! To recline against the balustrade, and listen to
the sighing of the sad sea waves. (_barrel organ starts outside_)
ETHEL. Oh, there's that dreadful barrel organ. Please do stop it.
CAPT. (_runs to window_) There, there, my good fellow. He won't stop.
My good man, please--It's no go. Stop that row, you noisy vagabond! He
_won't_ stop.
ETHEL. Oh, I'd give him something. He won't go unless you do.
CAPT. You'll give him something, did you say?
ETHEL. I said, I would, if I were you.
CAPT. Oh, just so. Look here, you! I'll give you--(_organ
stops_)--into custody! (_organ begins again_) How much? He says it's
sixpence if he plays and eighteen-pence to go away.
ETHEL. Well, give him eighteen-pence.
CAPT. You'll give him eighteen-pence?
ETHEL. He would not care for me. You'd better give it him.
CAPT. Oh, certainly. (_pulls money out_) Dear me, I haven't got a
sixpence.
ETHEL. Haven't you? I daresay he wouldn't mind two shillings.
CAPT. (_aside_) This is deucedly expensive. (_throws a coin_) There,
you scoundrel! (_organ stops_) And now, might I have the pleasure?
(_offering arm_)
ETHEL. (_taking it_) Would you take my fan?
CAPT. I shall be charmed. These English beggars have such barbarous
instruments. (_the bagpipes start_).
ETHEL. There that's the Scotchman. He's the worst of all. Pray do get
rid of him. The bagpipes always make we ill.
CAPT. (_again at window_) My dear good fellow--you infernal rascal,
stop that hideous din!
ETHEL. Oh, send him off--do send him off. I'm going to be so ill.
CAPT. Hi! How much will you go away for? What? He says he never goes
away for less than half-a-crown.
ETHEL. He doesn't. The bagpipes never do. They know that they can get
the money. Give it him.
CAPT. (_aside_) I shall be ruined. (_throws another coin_) There! Be
off! (_they cease_) Now, shall we go?
ETHEL. Would you relieve me of my shawl?
CAPT. Delighted, I am sure. (_they move slowly towards the window, R.,
arm in arm, he bowing down to her, she smiling up at him_)
_Re-enter EDWIN through L. window._
EDWIN. I'm getting on tremendously with Miss Carruthers. This is great
fun; I do like a little change. Now, if Ethel wasn't so absurdly fond
of me--if she would only flirt a bit--(_perceiving her_) Holloa! It
strikes me she is flirting a bit. (_BOY outside has just commenced to
sing_)
ETHEL. Oh, really, Captain Plunger!
BOY. (_singing_) "And the captain with his whiskers stole a sly glance
at me."
EDWIN. Oh, come, I say, you know. It strikes me Ethel's flirting a
good deal. It seems _she_ likes a little change. This isn't such great
fun after all.
ETHEL. I hope that no one will disturb us.
CAPT. I'd advise them not.
_Exeunt through R. window._
EDWIN. (_who has come round gradually, R._) Oh, hang it, I'll go after
them. This isn't fun at all.
_Exit through same window._
_Re-enter MRS. PLUNGER through L. window._
MRS. P. Where's Mr. Larkspur got to I should like to know? I'm not
going to be left in this way, I can tell him.
_Re-enter ETHEL, through L. window._
ETHEL. There they both are. Won't there be a row?
MRS. P. My dearest Ethel!