HEILIGENSTADT, Oct. 6th, 1802.
Oh! Ye who think or declare me to be hostile, morose, and
misanthropical, how unjust you are, and how little you know the secret
cause of what appears thus to you! My heart and mind were ever from
childhood prone to the most tender feelings of affection, and I was
always disposed to accomplish something great. But you must remember
that six years ago I was attacked by an incurable malady, aggravated by
unskillful physicians, deluded from year to year, too, by the hope of
relief, and at length forced to the conviction of a _lasting affliction_
(the cure of which may go on for years, and perhaps after all prove
impracticable).
Born with a passionate and excitable temperament, keenly susceptible to
the pleasures of society, I was yet obliged early in life to isolate
myself, and to pass my existence in solitude. If I at any time resolved
to surmount all this, oh! how cruelly was I again repelled by the
experience, sadder than ever, of my defective hearing!--and yet I found
it impossible to say to others: Speak louder, shout! for I am deaf!
Alas! how could I proclaim the deficiency of a sense which ought to have
been more perfect with me than with other men--a sense which I once
possessed in the highest perfection, to an extent indeed that few of my
profession ever enjoyed! Alas! I cannot do this! Forgive me therefore
when you see me withdraw from you with whom I would so gladly mingle. My
misfortune is doubly severe from causing me to be misunderstood. No
longer can I enjoy recreation in social intercourse, refined
conversation, or mutual outpourings of thought. Completely isolated, I
only enter society when compelled to do so. I must live like an exile.
In company I am assailed by the most painful apprehensions, from the
dread of being exposed to the risk of my condition being observed. It
was the same during the last six months I spent in the country. My
intelligent physician recommended me to spare my hearing as much as
possible, which was quite in accordance with my present disposition,
though sometimes, tempted by my natural inclination for society, I
allowed myself to be beguiled into it. But what humiliation when any one
beside me heard a flute in the far distance, while I heard _nothing_, or
when others heard _a shepherd singing_, and I still heard _nothing!_
Such things brought me to the verge of desperation, and well-nigh caused
me to put an end to my life. _Art! art_ alone, deterred me. Ah! how
could I possibly quit the world before bringing forth all that I felt it
was my vocation to produce? And thus I spared this miserable life--so
utterly miserable that any sudden change may reduce me at any moment
from my best condition into the worst. It is decreed that I must now
choose _Patience_ for my guide! This I have done. I hope the resolve
will not fail me, steadfastly to persevere till it may please the
inexorable Fates to cut the thread of my life. Perhaps I may get better,
perhaps not. I am prepared for either. Constrained to become a
philosopher in my twenty-eighth year! This is no slight trial, and more
severe on an artist than on any one else. God looks into my heart, he
searches it, and knows that love for man and feelings of benevolence
have their abode there! Oh! ye who may one day read this, think that you
have done me injustice; and let any one similarly afflicted be consoled
by finding one like himself, who, in defiance of all the obstacles of
nature, has done all in his power to be included in the ranks of
estimable artists and men. My brothers Carl and Johann, as soon as I am
no more, if Professor Schmidt be still alive, beg him in my name to
describe my malady, and to add these pages to the analysis of my
disease, that at least, so far as possible, the world may be reconciled
to me after my death. I also hereby declare you both heirs of my small
fortune (if so it may be called). Share it fairly, agree together and
assist each other. You know that anything you did to give me pain has
been long forgiven. I thank you, my brother Carl in particular, for the
attachment you have shown me of late. My wish is that you may enjoy a
happier life, and one more free from care than mine has been. Recommend
_Virtue_ to your children; that alone, and not wealth, can insure
happiness. I speak from experience. It was _Virtue_ alone which
sustained me in my misery; I have to thank her and Art for not having
ended my life by suicide. Farewell! Love each other. I gratefully thank
all my friends, especially Prince Lichnowsky and Professor Schmidt. I
wish one of you to keep Prince L--'s instruments; but I trust this will
give rise to no dissension between you. If you think it more beneficial,
however, you have only to dispose of them. How much I shall rejoice if I
can serve you even in the grave! So be it then! I joyfully hasten to
meet Death. If he comes before I have had the opportunity of developing
all my artistic powers, then, notwithstanding my cruel fate, he will
come too early for me, and I should wish for him at a more distant
period; but even then I shall be content, for his advent will release me
from a state of endless suffering. Come when he may, I shall meet him
with courage. Farewell! Do not quite forget me, even in death: I deserve
this from you, because during my life I so often thought of you, and
wished to make you happy. Amen!