Fire in the Dairy.
As we approached within fifteen or twenty miles of
Parrsboro, a sudden turn of the road brought us directly
in front of a large wooden house, consisting of two
stories and an immense roof, the heighth of which edifice
was much increased by a stone foundation, rising several
feet above ground. Now, did you ever see, said Mr. Slick,
such a catamaran as that; there's a proper goney for you,
for to go and raise such a buildin as that are, and he
as much use for it, I do suppose, as my old waggon here
has for a fifth wheel. Blue Nose always takes keer to
have a big house, cause it shows a big man, and one that's
considerable forehanded, and pretty well to do in the
world. These Nova Scotians turn up their Blue Noses, as
a bottle nose porpoise turns up his snout, and puff and
snort exactly like him at a small house. If neighbor
Carrit has a two story house, all filled with winders,
like Sandy Hook light house, neighbor Parsnip must add
jist two feet more on to the post of hisn, and about as
much more to the rafter, to go ahead of him; so all these
long sarce gentlemen strive who can get the furdest in
the sky, away from their farms. In New England our maxim
is a small house, and a most an everlastin almighty big
barn; but these critters revarse it, they have little
hovels for their cattle, about the bigness of a good
sizeable bear trap, and a house for the humans as grand
as Noah's Ark. Well, jist look at it and see what a figur
it does cut. An old hat stuffed into one pane of glass,
and an old flannel petticoat, as yaller as jaundice, in
another, finish off the front; an old pair of breeches,
and the pad of a bran new cart saddle worn out, titivate
the eend, while the backside is all closed up on account
of the wind. When it rains, if there aint a pretty
how-do-you-do, it's a pity--beds toated out of this room,
and tubs set in tother to catch soft water to wash; while
the clapboards, loose at the eends, go clap, clap, clap,
like galls a hacklin flax, and the winders and doors keen
a dancin to the music. The only dry place in the house
is in the chimbley corner, where the folks all huddle
up, as an old hen and her chickens do under a cart of a
wet day. I wish I had the matter of half a dozen pound
of nails, (you'll hear the old gentleman in the grand
house say,) I'll be darned, if I don't, for if I had,
I'd fix them are clapboards, I guess they'll go for it
some o' these days. I wish you had, his wife would say,
for they do make a most particular unhansum clatter,
that's a fact; and so they let it be till the next
tempestical time comes, and then they wish agin. Now this
grand house has only two rooms down stairs, that are
altogether slicked up and finished off complete, the
other is jist petitioned off rough like, one half great
dark entries, and tother half places that look a plaguy
sight more like packin boxes than rooms. Well, all up
stairs is a great onfarnished place, filled with every
sort of good for nothin trumpery in natur--barrels without
eends--corn cobs half husked--cast off clothes and bits
of old harness, sheep skins, hides, and wool, apples,
one half rotten, and tother half squashed--a thousand or
two of shingles that have bust their withs, and broke
loose all over the floor, hay rakes, forks and sickles,
without handles or teeth; rusty scythes, and odds and
eends without number. When any thing is wanted, then
there is a general overhaul of the whole cargo, and away
they get shifted forrard, one by one, all handled over
and chucked into a heap together till the lost one is
found; and the next time, away they get pitched to the
starn agin, higglety pigglety, heels over head, like
sheep taken a split for it over a wall; only they increase
in number each move, cause some on 'em are sure to get
broke into more pieces than they was afore. Whenever I
see one of these grand houses, and a hat lookin out o'
the winder, with nary head in it, thinks I, I'll be darned
if that's a place for a wooden clock, nothin short of a
London touch would go down with them folks, so I calculate
I wont alight.
Whenever you come to such a grand place as this, Squire,
depend on't the farm is all of a piece, great crops of
thistles, and an everlastin yield of weeds, and cattle
the best fed of any in the country, for they are always
in the grain fields or mowin lands, and the pigs a rootin
in the potatoe patches. A spic and span new gig at the
door, shinin like the mud banks of Windsor, when the
sun's on 'em, and an old wrack of a hay waggon, with its
tongue onhitched, and stickin out behind, like a pig's
tail, all indicate a big man. He's above thinkin of farmin
tools, he sees to the bran new gig, and the hired helps
look arter the carts. Catch him with his go to meetin
clothes on, a rubbin agin their nasty greasy axles, like
a tarry nigger; not he, indeed, he'd stick you up with it.
The last time I came by here, it was a little bit arter
day light down, rainin cats and dogs, and as dark as
Egypt; so, thinks I, I'll jist turn in here for shelter
to Squire Bill Blake's. Well, I knocks away at the front
door, till I thought I'd a split it in: but arter a rappin
awhile to no purpose, and findin no one come, I gropes
my way round to the back door, and opens it, and feelin
all along the partition for the latch, of the keepin
room, without finding it, I knocks agin, when some one
from inside calls out 'walk.' Thinks I, I don't cleverly
know whether that indicates 'walk in,' or 'walk out,'
its plaguy short metre, that's a fact; but I'll see any
how. Well, arter gropin about awhile, at last I got hold
of the string and lifted the latch and walked in, and
there sot old marm Blake, close into one corner of the
chimbley fire place, a see-sawin in a rockin chair, and
a half grown black house help, half asleep in tother
corner, a scroudgin up over the embers. Who be you, said
Marm Blake, for I can't see you. A stranger, said I.
Beck, says she, speakin to the black heifer in the corner,
Beck, says she agin, raisin her voice, I believe you are
as deff as a post, get up this minit and stir the coals,
till I see the man. Arter the coals were stirred into a
blaze, the old lady surveyed me from head to foot, then
she axed me my name, and where I came from, where I was
agoin, and what my business was. I guess, said she, you
must be reasonable, wet, sit to the fire and dry yourself,
or mayhap your health may be endamnified p'raps.
So I sot down, and we soon got pretty considerably well
acquainted, and quite sociable like, and her tongue when
it fairly waked up, began to run like a mill race when
the gate's up. I hadn't been talkin long, 'fore I well
nigh lost sight of her altogether agin, for little Beck,
began to flourish about her broom, right and left, in
great style, a clearin up, and she did raise such an
auful thick cloud o' dust, I didn't know if I should ever
see or breathe either agin. Well when all was sot to
rights and the fire made up, the old lady began to
apologize for havin no candles; she said she'd had a
grand tea party the night afore, and used them all up,
and a whole sight of vittals too, the old man hadn't been
well since, and had gone to bed airly. But, says she, I
do wish with all my heart you had a come last night, for
we had a most a special supper--punkin pies and dough-nuts,
and apple sarce, and a roast goose stuffed with indian
puddin, and a pig's harslet stewed in molasses and onions,
and I don't know what all, and the fore part of to-day
folks called to finish. I actilly have nothin left to
set afore you; for it was none o' your skim-milk parties,
but superfine uppercrust real jam, and we made clean work
of it. But I'll make some tea, any how, for you, and
perhaps, arter that, said she, alterin of her tone,
perhaps you'll expound the Scriptures, for its one while
since I've heerd them laid open powerfully. I hant been
fairly lifted up since that good man Judas Oglethorp
travelled this road, and then she gave a groan and hung
down her head, and looked corner-ways, to see how the
land lay thereabouts. The tea kettle was accordingly put
on, and some lard fried into oil, and poured into a
tumbler; which, with the aid of an inch of cotton wick,
served as a make shift for a candle. Well, arter tea we
sot and chatted awhile about fashions, and markets, and
sarmons, and scandal, and all sorts o' things; and, in
the midst of it, in runs the nigger wench, screemin out
at the tip eend of her voice, oh Missus! Missus! there's
fire in the Dairy, fire in the Dairy! I'll give it to
you for that, said the old lady, I'll give it you for
that, you good for nothin hussy, that's all your
carelessness, go and put it out this minit, how on airth
did it get there? my night's milk gone, I dare say; run
this minit and put it out and save the milk. I am dreadful
afeard of fire, I always was from a boy, and seein the
poor foolish critter seize a broom in her fright, I ups
with the tea kettle and follows her; and away we clipt
thro' the entry, she callin out mind the cellar door on
the right, take kear of the close horse on the left, and
so on, but as I could'nt see nothin, I kept right straight
ahead. At last my foot kotched in somethin or another,
that pitched me somewhat less than a rod or so, right
agin the poor black critter, and away we went, heels over
head. I heerd a splash and a groan, and I smelt somethin
plaguy sour, but I could'nt see nothin; at last I got
hold of her and lifted her up, for she didn't scream,
but made a strange kind of choakin noise, and by this
time up came Marm Blake with a light. If poor Beck didn't
let go then in airnest, and sing out, for dear life, its
a pity, for she had gone head first into the swill tub,
and the tea kettle had scalded her feet. She kept a dancin
right up and down, like one ravin distracted mad, and
boohooed like any thing, clawin away at her head the
whole time, to clear away the stuff that stuck to her
wool.
I held in as long as I could, till I thought I should
have busted, for no soul could help a larfin, and at last
I haw hawed right out. You good for nothin stupid slut
you, said the old lady, to poor Beck, it serves you right,
you had no business to leave it there--I'll pay you. But,
said I, interferin for the unfortunate critter, Good
gracious Marm! you forget the fire. No I don't, said she,
I see him, and seesin the broom, that had fallen from
the nigger's hand, she exclaimed, I see him, the nasty
varmint, and began to belabor most onmarcifully a poor
half starved cur that the noise had attracted to the
entry. I'll teach you, said she, to drink milk; I'll larn
you to steal into the dairy; and the besot critter joined
chorus with Beck, and they both yelled together, till
they fairly made the house ring agin. Presently old Squire
Blake popt his head out of a door, and rubbin his eyes,
half asleep and half awake, said, What the devil's to
pay now, wife? Why nothin, says she, only "FIRE'S IN THE
DAIRY," and Beck's in the swill tub, that's all. Well,
don't make such a touss, then, said he, if that's all,
and he shot tu the door and went to bed agin. When we
returned to the keepin room, the old lady told me that
they always had had a dog called "FIRE," ever since her
grandfather, Major Donald Fraser's time, and what was
very odd, says she, every one on 'em would drink milk if
he had a chance. By this time the shower was over, and
the moon shinin so bright and clear that I thought I'd
better be up and stirrin, and arter slippin a few cents
into the poor nigger wench's hand, I took leave of the
grand folks in the big house. Now, Squire, among these
middlin sized farmers you may lay this down as a rule
--THE BIGGER THE HOUSE, THE BIGGER THE FOOLS BE THAT'S
IN IT.
But, howsomever, I never call to mind that are go in the
big house, up to the right, that I don't snicker when I
think of "FIRE IN THE DAIRY."