The Preacher that Wandered from His Text.
I guess, said the Clockmaker, we know more of Nova Scotia
than the Blue Noses themselves do. The Yankees see further
ahead than most folks; they can een a most see round
t'other side of a thing; indeed some on them have hurt
their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's the reason
such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever
heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress;
he know'd as much about it as if he had lived here all
his days, and may be a little grain more. He is a splendid
man that--we class him No. 1, letter A. One night I
chanced to go into General Peep's tavern at Boston, and
who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett, a
studying over a map of the Province of Nova-Scotia. Why
it aint possible! said I--if that aint Professor Everett,
as I am alive! why how do you do, Professor? Pretty well,
I give you thanks, said he; how be you? but I aint no
longer Professor; I gin that up, and also the trade of
Preaching, and took to politics. You don't say so, said
I; why what on airth is the cause o' that? Why, says he,
look here, Mr. Slick. What IS the use of reading the
Proverbs of Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens,
that are every mite and mortal as wise as he was? That
are man undertook to say there was nothing new under the
sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too fast, if
he was to see our steam boats, rail-roads, and India
rubber shoes--three inventions worth more nor all he knew
put in a heap together. Well, I don't know, said I, but
somehow or another, I guess you'd have found preaching
the best speculation in the long run; them are Unitarians
pay better than Uncle Sam (we call, said the Clockmaker,
the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the British
John Bull.)
That remark seemed to grig him a little; he felt oneasy
like, and walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms
deep in thought: at last he said, which way are you from,
Mr. Slick, this hitch? Why, says I, I've been away up
south a speculating in nutmegs. I hope, says the Professor,
they were a good article, the real right down genuine
thing. No mistake, says I,--no mistake, Professor: they
were all prime, first chop, but why did you ax that are
question? Why, says he, that eternal scoundrel, that
Captain John Allspice of Nahant, he used to trade to
Charleston, and he carried a cargo once there of fifty
barrels of nutmegs: well, he put half a bushel of good
ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled
up with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul
could tell the difference until HE BIT ONE WITH HIS TEETH,
and that he never thought of doing, until he was first
BIT HIMSELF. Well, its been a standing joke with them
southerners agin us ever since. It was only tother day
at Washington, that everlasting Virginy duellist General
Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the President's
house, said to me, 'Well Everett,' says he--'you know I
was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed
my mind since your able speech on it; I shall vote for
it now.' 'Give me your hand,' says I, 'General Cuffy;
the Boston folks will be dreadful glad when they hear
your splendid talents are on our side--I think it will
go now--we'll carry it.' 'Yes,' says he, 'your factories
down east beat all natur; they go ahead on the English
a long chalk.' You may depend I was glad to hear the New
Englanders spoken of that way--I felt proud I tell
you--'and,' says he, 'there's one manufacture that might
stump all Europe to produce the like.' 'What's that?'
says I, looking as pleased all the time as a gall that's
tickled. 'Why,' says be, 'the facture of wooden nutmegs;
that's a cap sheef that bangs the bush--its a real Yankee
patent invention.' With that all the gentlemen set up a
laugh, you might have heard away down to Sandy Hook--and
the General gig gobbled like a great turkey cock, the
half nigger, half alligator like looking villain as he
is. I tell you what, Mr. Slick, said the Professor, I
wish with all my heart them are damned nutmegs were in
the bottom of the sea. That was the first oath I ever
heerd him let slip: but he was dreadful ryled, and it
made me feel ugly too, for its awful to hear a minister
swear; and the only match I know for it, is to hear a
regular sneezer of a sinner quote scripture. Says I, Mt.
Everett, that's the fruit that politics bear; for my part
I never seed a good graft on it yet, that bore any thing
good to eat, or easy to digest.
Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with
his hands behind him, quite taken up a cyphering in his
head, and then he straightened himself up, and he put
his hand upon his heart, just as he used to do in the
pulpit, (he looked pretty I tell you) and slowly lifting
his hand off his breast, he said, 'Mr. Slick, our tree
of liberty was a beautiful tree--a splendid tree--it
was a sight to look at; it was well fenced and well
protected, and it grew so stately and so handsome, that
strangers came from all parts of the globe to see it.
They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the
world. Well, the mobs have broken in and tore down the
fences, and snapped off the branches, and scattered all
the leaves about, and it looks no better than a gallows
tree.' 'I am afeared,' said he, 'I tremble to think on
it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of
pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace; I am, indeed,
I vow, Mr. Slick.' He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen,
that I felt kinder sorry for him; I actilly thought he'd
a boo-hood right out. So, to turn the conversation, says
I, Professor, what are great map is that I seed you a
studyin' over when I came in? Says he, it's a map of Nova
Scotia. That, says he, is a valuable province, a real
clever province; we hant got the like on it, but its most
plagily in our way. Well, says I, send for Sam Patch
(that are man was a great diver, says the Clockmaker,
and the last dive he took was off the falls of Niagara,
and he was never heerd of agin till tother day, when
Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann Whaler, saw him
in the South Sea. Why, says Capt. Enoch to him, why Sam,
says he, how on airth did you get here? I thought you
was drowned at the Canadian lines. Why, says he, I didn't
get ON airth here at all, but I came right slap THROUGH
it. In that are Niagara dive, I went so everlasting deep,
I thought it was just as short to come up tother side,
so out I came in those parts. If I don't take the shine
off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston, then my
name's not Sam Patch.)
Well, says I, Professor, send for Sam Patch, the diver,
and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in the bottom
of the Province and blow it up; or if that won't do, send
for some of our steam tow boats from our great Eastern
cities, and tow it out to sea; you know there's nothing
our folks can't do, when they once fairly take hold on
a thing in airnest. Well, that made him laugh; he seemed
to forget about the nutmegs, and says he, that's a bright
scheme, but it won't do; we shall want the Province some
day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William; they say
he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred
millions of pounds starling--we'll buy it, as we did
Florida. In the meantime we must have a canal from Bay
Fundy to Bay Varte, right through Cumberland neck, by
Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to Labradore.
I guess you must ax leave first, said I; that's jist what
I was cyphering at, says he, when you came in. I believe
we won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it; ITS
A ROAD OF NEEDCESSITY. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall
of Baltimore say; 'If the people's highway is dangerous
--a man may take down a fence--and pass through the fields
as a way of NEEDCESSITY;' and we shall do it on that
principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous.
I wonder the Novascotians don't do it for their own
convenience. Said I, it would'nt make a bad speculation
that. The critters don't know no better, said he.
Well, says I, the St. John's folks, why don't they? for
they are pretty cute chaps them. They remind me, says
the Professor, of Jim Billings. You knew Jim Billings,
did'nt you, Mr. Slick? Oh yes, said I, I knew him. It
was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the
West Indies; the same, says he. Well, I went to see him
the other day at Mrs. Lecain's Boarding House, and says
I, Billings, you have a nice location here. A plaguy
sight too nice, said he. Marm Lecain makes such an etarnal
touss about her carpets, that I have to go along that
everlasting long entry, and down both staircases, to the
street door to spit; and it keeps all the gentlemen a
running with their mouths full all day. I had a real bout
with a New Yorker this morning, I run down to the street
door, and afore I see'd any body a coming, I let go, and
I vow if I did'nt let a chap have it all over his white
waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the
door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain
taught and leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bed
room like a shot, and hides behind the curtain. Well, he
roared like a bull, till black Lucretia, one of the house
helps, let him go, and they looked into all the gentlemen's
rooms and found nobody--so I got out of that are scrape.
So, what with Marm Lecain's carpets in the house, and
other folks' waistcoats in the street, its too nice a
location for me, I guess, so I shall up killoch and off
to morrow to the TREE-mont.
Now, says the Professor, the St. John's folks are jist
like Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit
box, and saved him all them are journeys to the street
door--and a canal at Bay Varte would save the St. John's
folks a voyage all round Nova-Scotia. Why, they can't
get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage
most as long as one to Europe. If we had that are neck
of land in Cumberland, we'd have a ship canal there, and
a town at each end of it as big as Portland. You may
talk of Solomon, said the Professor, but if Solomon in
all his glory was not arrayed like a lily of the field,
neither was he in all his wisdom, equal in knowledge to
a reel free American citizen. Well, said I, Professor,
we are a most enlightened people, that's sartain, but
somehow I don't like to hear you run down King Solomon
neither; perhaps he warnt quite so wise as Uncle Sam,
but then, said I, (drawing close to the Professor, and
whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room
might hear me,) but then, said I, may be he was every
bit and grain as honest. Says he, Mr. Slick, there are
some folks who think a good deal and say but little, and
they are wise folks; and there are others agin, who blart
right out whatever comes uppermost, and I guess they are
pretty considerable superfine darned fools. And with that
he turned right round, and sat down to his map and never
said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole
blessed time.