to be born than greater Faults, as being a continual Plague, and for the
most Part incurable. Other Vices a Man may grow weary of, or may be
convinced of the Evil of them, he may forsake them, or they him, but his
Humour and Temper are seldom, if ever, put off. Ill-nature sticks to him
from his Youth to his grey Hairs, and a Boy that’s Humorous and Proud,
makes a Peevish, Positive, and Insolent Old Man. Now if this be the
Case, and the Husband be full of Himself, obstinately bent on his own
Way, with or without Reason, if he be one who must be always Admir’d,
always Humour’d, and yet scarce knows what will please him; if he has
Prosperity enough to keep him from considering, and to furnish him with
a Train of Flatterers and obsequious Admirers; and Learning and Sense
enough to make him a Fop in Perfection; for a Man can never be a
compleat Coxcomb, unless he has a considerable Share of these to value
himself upon; What can the poor Woman do? The Husband is too Wise to be
Advis’d, too Good to be Reform’d, she must follow all his Paces, and
tread in all his unreasonable Steps, or there is no Peace, no Quiet for
her; she must Obey with the greatest Exactness, ’tis in vain to expect
any manner of Compliance on his Side, and the more she complies the more
she may; his fantastical Humours grow with her Desire to gratify them,
for Age increases Opinionatry in some, as well as it does Experience in
others. Of such sort of Folks as these it was that _Soloman_ spake, when
he said, _Seest thou a Man wise in his own Conceit, there is more hope
of a Fool than of him_; That is, the profligate Sinner, such a one being
always a Fool in _Solomon’s_ Language, is in a fairer Way of being
convinc’d of his Folly, and brought to Reason, than the Proud, Conceited
Man. That Man, indeed, can never be good at Heart, who is full of
Himself and his own Endowments: Not that it is necessary, because it is
not possible (humanly speaking) for one to be totally ignorant of his
own good Qualities, I had almost said, he _ought_ to have a modest Sense
of ’em, otherwise he can’t be duly thankful, nor make the Use of them
that is required, to the Glory of _GOD_, and the Good of Mankind; but he
views them in a wrong Light, if he discerns any Thing that may exalt him
above his Neighbours, make him over-look their Merit, or treat them with
Neglect or Contempt. He ought to behold them with Fear and Trembling, as
Talents which he has freely receiv’d, and for which he is highly
Accountable, and therefore they should not excite his Pride, but his
Care and Industry.
And if Pride and Self-conceit keep a Man who has some good Qualities,
and is not so bad as the most of his Neighbours, from growing better, it
for certain confirms and hardens the Wicked in his Crimes, it sets him
up for a Wit, that is, according to modern Acceptation, one who rallies
all that is serious, a Contemner of the Priests first, and then of the
Deity Himself. For Penitence and Self-condemnation are what his
Haughtiness cannot bear, and since his Crimes have brought upon him the
Reproaches of his own Mind, since he will not take the regular Way to be
rid of them, which is, by Humbling himself, and making his Peace with
Heaven, he bids Defiance to it, and wou’d, if he could, believe there is
no future State, no After-retribution, because he has too just Reason to
fear it.
If therefore it be a Woman’s hard Fate to meet with a disagreeable
Temper, and of all others, the Haughty, Imperious, and Self-conceited
are the most so, she is as unhappy as any Thing in this World can make
her. For when a Wife’s Temper does not please, if she makes her Husband
uneasy, he can find Entertainments Abroad; he has a hundred Ways of
relieving himself; but neither Prudence nor Duty will allow a Woman to
fly out: her Business and Entertainment are at home; and tho’ he makes
it ever so uneasy to her, she must be content, and make her best on’t.
She who elects a Monarch for Life, who gives him an Authority, she
cannot recall, however he misapply it, who puts her Fortune and Person
entirely in his Power, nay, even the very Desires of her Heart,
according to some learned Casuists, so as that it is not lawful to Will
or Desire any Thing but what he approves and allows, had need be very
sure that she does not make a Fool her Head, nor a Vicious Man her Guide
and Pattern; she had best stay till she can meet with one who has the
Government of his own Passions, and has duly regulated his own Desires,
since he is to have such an absolute Power over hers. But he who doats
on a Face, he who makes Money his Idol, he who is charm’d with vain and
empty Wit, gives no such Evidence, either of Wisdom or Goodness, that a
Woman of any tolerable Sense shou’d care to venture her self to his
Conduct.
Indeed, your fine Gentleman’s Actions are now a-days such, that did not
Custom and the Dignity of his Sex give Weight and Authority to them, a
Woman that thinks twice might bless her self, and say, Is this the Lord
and Master to whom I am to promise Love, Honour and Obedience? What can
be the Object of Love but amiable Qualities, the Image of the Deity
impress’d upon a generous and godlike Mind, a Mind that is above this
World, to be sure above all the Vices, the Tricks and Baseness of it; a
Mind that is not full of it self, nor contracted to little private
Interests, but which, in Imitation of that glorious Pattern it
endeavours to copy after, expands and diffuses it self to its utmost
Capacity in doing Good. But this fine Gentleman is quite of another
Strain, he is the Reverse of this in every Instance. He is, I confess,
very fond of his own Dear Person, he sees very much in it to admire; his
Air and Mien, his Words and Actions, every Motion he makes, declare it;
but they must have a Judgment of his Size, every whit as shallow, and a
Partiality as great as his own, who can be of his Mind. How then can I
Love? And if not Love, much less Honour. Love may arise from Pity, or a
generous Desire to make that Lovely which as yet is not so, when we see
any hopes of Success in our Endeavours of improving it; but Honour
supposes some excellent Qualities already, something worth our Esteem;
but, alas! there is nothing more contemptible than this Trifle of a Man,
this meer Out-side, whose Mind is as base and mean as his external Pomp
is glittering. His Office or Title apart, to which some ceremonious
Observance must be paid for Order’s sake, there’s nothing in him that
can command our Respect. Strip him of Equipage and Fortune, and such
Things as only dazle our Eyes and Imaginations, but don’t in any measure
affect our Reason, or cause a Reverence in our Hearts, and the poor
Creature sinks beneath our Notice, because not supported by real Worth.
And if a Woman can neither Love nor Honour, she does ill in promising to
Obey, since she is like to have a crooked Rule to regulate her Actions.
A Meer Obedience, such as is paid only to Authority, and not out of Love
and a Sense of the Justice and Reasonableness of the Command, will be of
an uncertain Tenure. As it can’t but be uneasy to the Person who pays
it, so he who receives it will be sometimes disappointed when he expects
to find it: For that Woman must be endow’d with a Wisdom and Goodness
much above what we suppose the Sex capable of, I fear much greater than
any Man can pretend to, who can so constantly conquer her Passions, and
divert her self even of Innocent Self-love, as to give up the Cause when
she is in the Right, and to submit her inlightned Reason, to the
imperious Dictates of a blind Will, and wild Imagination, even when she
clearly perceives the ill Consequences of it, the Imprudence, nay, Folly
and Madness of such a Conduct.
And if a Woman runs such a Risque when she marries prudently, according
to the Opinion of the World, that is, when she permits her self to be
dispos’d of to a Man equal to her in Birth, Education and Fortune, and
as good as the most of his Neighbours, (for if none were to marry, but
Men of strict Vertue and Honour, I doubt the World would be but thinly
Peopled) if at the very best her Lot is hard, what can she expect who is
Sold, or any otherwise betray’d into mercenary Hands, to one who is in
all, or most respects, unequal to her? A Lover who comes upon what is
call’d equal Terms, makes no very advantageous Proposal to the Lady he
courts, and to whom he seems to be an humble Servant. For under many
sounding Compliments, Words that have nothing in them, this is his true
Meaning; He wants one to manage his Family, an House-keeper, one whose
Interest it will be not to wrong him, and in whom therefore he can put
greater Confidence than in any he can hire for Money. One who may breed
his Children, taking all the Care and Trouble of their Education, to
preserve his Name and Family. One whose Beauty, Wit, or good Humour and
agreeable Conversation, will entertain him at Home when he has been
contradicted and disappointed Abroad; who will do him that Justice the
ill-natur’d World denies him; that is, in any one’s Language but his
own, sooth his Pride and flatter his Vanity, by having always so much
good Sense as to be on his Side, to conclude him in the Right, when
others are so ignorant, or so rude, as to deny it. Who will not be blind
to his Merit nor contradict his Will and Pleasure, but make it her
Business, her very Ambition to content him; whose Softness and gentle
Compliance will calm his Passions, to whom he may safely disclose his
troublesome Thoughts, and in her Breast discharge his Cares; whose Duty,
Submission and Observance, will heal those Wounds other Peoples
Opposition or Neglect have given him. In a word, one whom he can
intirely Govern, and consequently may form her to his Will and Liking,
who must be his for Life, and therefore cannot quit his Service, let him
treat her how he will.
And if this be what every Man expects, the Sum of his violent Love and
Courtship, when it is put into Sense, and rendred Intelligible, to what
a fine pass does she bring her self who purchases a Lord and Master, not
only with her Money, but with what is of greater Value, at the Price of
her Discretion! Who has not so much as that poor Excuse, Precedent and
Example; or if she has, they are only such as all the World condemns?
She will not find him less a Governor because she was once his Superior,
on the contrary, the Scum of the People are most Tyrannical when they
get the Power, and treat their Betters with the greatest Insolence. For,
as the wise Man long since observ’d, A Servant when he Reigns, is one of
those Things for which the Earth is disquieted, and which no body is
able to bear.
It is the hardest Thing in the World for a Woman to know that a Man is
not Mercenary, that he does not act on base and ungenerous Principles,
even when he is her Equal, because being absolute Master, she and all
the Grants he makes her are in his Power, and there have been but too
many Instances of Husbands, that by wheedling, or threatning their
Wives, by seeming Kindness, or cruel Usage, have persuaded, or forc’d
them out of what has been settled on them. So that the Woman has in
Truth no Security but the Man’s Honour and Good-nature, a Security that
in this present Age no wise Person would venture much upon. A Man enters
into Articles very readily before Marriage, and so he may, for he
performs no more of them afterwards than he thinks fit. A Wife must
never dispute with her Husband; his Reasons are now, no doubt on’t,
better than hers, whatever they were before; he is sure to persuade her
out of her Agreement, and bring her, it must be suppos’d, _Willingly_,
to give up what she did vainly hope to obtain, and what she thought had
been made sure to her. And if she shews any Refractoriness, there are
Ways enough to humble her; so that by Right or Wrong the Husband gains
his Will. For Covenants between Husband and Wife, like Laws in an
Arbitrary Government, are of little Force, the Will of the Sovereign is
All in All. Thus it is in Matter of Fact, I will not answer for the
Right of it; for if the Woman’s Reasons, upon which those Agreements are
grounded, are not just and good, why did he consent to them? Was it
because there was no other Way to obtain his Suit, and with an Intention
to annul them when it shall be in his Power? Where then is his
Sincerity? But if her Reasons are good, where is his Justice in obliging
her to quit them? He neither way acts like an equitable or honest Man.
But when a Woman marries unequally and beneath her self, there is almost
Demonstration that the Man is sordid and unfair; that instead of loving
her he only loves himself, trapans and ruins her to serve his own Ends.
For if he had not a mighty Opinion of himself, (which Temper is like to
make an admirable Husband) he would never imagine that his Person and
good Qualities could make Compensation for all the Advantages she quits
on his Account. If he had a real Esteem for her, or valued her
Reputation, he would not expose it, nor have her Discretion call’d in
Question for his sake; and if he truly lov’d her, he would not reduce
her to Straits and a narrow Fortune, nor so much as lessen her way of
Living to better his own. For since God has placed different Ranks in
the World, put some in a higher, and some in a lower Station, for Order
and Beauty’s sake, and for many good Reasons; though it is both our
Wisdom and Duty not only to submit with Patience, but to be thankful and
well-satisfied, when by his Providence we are brought low, yet there is
no manner of Reason for us to degrade our selves; on the contrary, much
why we ought not. The better our Lot is in this World, and the more we
have of it, the greater is our Leisure to prepare for the next; we have
the more Opportunity to exercise that God-like Quality, to taste that
Divine Pleasure, doing Good to the Bodies and Souls of those beneath us.
Is it not then ill Manners to Heaven, and an irreligious Contempt of its
Favours, for a Woman to slight that nobler Employment, to which it has
assign’d her, and thrust her self down to a meaner Drudgery, to what is
in the very literal Sense a caring for the Things of the World, a caring
not only to Please, but to Maintain a Husband?
And a Husband so chosen will not at all abate of his Authority and Right
to Govern, whatever fair Promises he might make before. She has made him
her Head, and he thinks himself as well qualified as the Best to act
accordingly, nor has she given him any such Evidence of her Prudence as
may dispose him to make an Act of Grace in her Favour. Besides, great
Obligations are what Superiors cannot bear, they are more than can be
return’d; to acknowledge were only to reproach themselves with
Ingratitude, and therefore the readiest Way is, not to own, but
over-look them, or rather, as too many do, to repay them with Affronts
and Injuries.
What then is to be done? How must a Man choose, and what Qualities must
incline a Woman to accept, that so our married Couple may be as happy as
that State can make them? This is no hard Question; let the Soul be
principally consider’d, and Regard had in the first place to a good
Understanding, a vertuous Mind; and in all other respects let there be
as much Equality as may be. If they are good Christians and of suitable
Tempers all will be well; but I should be shrewdly tempted to suspect
their Christianity who marry after any of those Ways we have been
speaking of. I dare venture to say, that they don’t act according to the
Precepts of the Gospel, they neither shew the Wisdom of the Serpent, nor
the Innocency of the Dove; they have neither so much Government of
themselves, nor so much Charity for their Neighbours; they neither take
such Care not to scandalize others, nor to avoid Temptations themselves,
are neither so much above this World, nor so affected with the next, as
they would certainly be, did the Christian Religion operate in their
Hearts, did they rightly understand, and sincerely practise it, or acted
_indeed_ according to the Spirit of the Gospel.
But it is not enough to enter wisely into this State, Care must be taken
of our Conduct afterwards. A Woman will not want being admonish’d of her
Duty; the Custom of the World, Oeconomy, every Thing almost reminds her
of it. Governors do not often suffer their Subjects to forget Obedience
through their want of demanding it; perhaps Husbands are but too forward
on this Occasion, and claim their Right oftner and more imperiously than
either Discretion or good Manners will justify, and might have both a
more chearful and constant Obedience paid them if they were not so
rigorous in exacting it. For there is a mutual Stipulation, and Love,
Honour, and Worship, by which certainly Civility and Respect at least
are meant, are as much the Woman’s Due, as Love, Honour and Obedience
are the Man’s. And being the Woman is said to be the weaker Vessel, the
Man should be more careful not to grieve or offend her. Since her Reason
is suppos’d to be less, and her Passions stronger than his, he should
not give Occasion to call that Supposition in Question by his pettish
Carriage and needless Provocations. Since he is the _Man_, by which very
word Custom would have us understand not only greatest Strength of Body,
but even greatest Firmness and Force of Mind, he should not play the
_little Master_ so much as to expect to be cocker’d, nor run over to
that Side which the Woman us’d to be rank’d in; for, according to the
Wisdom of the _Italians, Will you? Is spoken to sick Folks_.
Indeed Subjection, according to the common Notion of it, is not over
easy; none of us, whether Men or Women, but have so good an Opinion of
our own Conduct, as to believe we are fit, if not to direct others, at
least to govern our selves. Nothing but a sound Understanding, and
Grace, the best Improver of Natural Reason, can correct this Opinion,
truly humble us, and heartily reconcile us to Obedience. This bitter Cup
therefore ought to be sweetned as much as may be; for Authority may be
preserv’d and Government kept inviolable, without that nauseous
Ostentation of Power, which serves to no End or Purpose, but to blow up
the Pride and Vanity of those who have it, and to exasperate the Spirits
of such as must truckle under it.
Insolence is never the Effect of Power but in weak and cowardly Spirits,
who wanting true _Merit_ and Judgment to support themselves in that
Advantageous Ground on which they stand, are ever appealing to their
Authority, and making a Shew of it to maintain their Vanity and Pride. A
truly great Mind, and such as is fit to Govern, tho’ it may stand on its
Right with its Equals, and modestly expect what is due to it even from
its Superiors, yet it never contends with its Inferiors, nor makes use
of its Superiority but to do them Good. So that considering the just
Dignity of Man, his great Wisdom so conspicuous on all Occasions! the
Goodness of his Temper, and Reasonableness of all his Commands, which
make it a Woman’s Interest as well as Duty to be observant and obedient
in all Things; that his Prerogative is settled by an undoubted Right and
the Prescription of many Ages; it cannot be suppos’d, that he should
make frequent and insolent Claims of an Authority so well establish’d
and us’d with such Moderation, nor give an impartial By-stander (could
such an one be found) any Occasion from thence to suspect that he is
inwardly conscious of the Badness of his Title; Usurpers being always
most desirous of Recognitions, and busy in imposing Oaths, whereas a
Lawful Prince contents himself with the usual Methods and Securities.
And since Power does naturally puff up, and he who finds himself
exalted, seldom fails to think he _ought_ to be so, it is more suitable
to a Man’s Wisdom and Generosity, to be mindful of his great
Obligations, than to insist on his Rights and Prerogatives. Sweetness of
Temper and an obliging Carriage are so justly due to a Wife, that a
Husband who must not be thought to want either Understanding to know
what is fit, nor Goodness to perform it, can’t be suppos’d not to shew
them. For setting aside the Hazard of her Person to keep up his Name and
Family, with all the Pains and Trouble that attend it, which may well be
thought great enough to deserve all the Respect and Kindness that may
be; setting this aside, though ’tis very considerable, a Woman has so
much the Disadvantage in _most_, I was about to say, in _all_ Things,
that she makes a Man the greatest Compliment in the World when she
condescends to take him _for Better for Worse_. She puts her self
intirely in his Power, leaves all that is dear to her, her Friends and
Family, to espouse his Interests and follow his Fortune, and makes it
her Business and Duty to please him! What Acknowledgments, what Returns
can he make? What Gratitude can be sufficient for such Obligations? She
shews her good Opinion of him by the great Trust she reposes in him, and
what a Brute must he be who betrays that Trust, or acts any way unworthy
of it? Ingratitude is one of the basest Vices, and if a Man’s Soul is
sunk so low as to be guilty of it towards her who has so generously
oblig’d him, and who so intirely depends on him, if he can treat her
disrespectfully, who has so fully testified her Esteem of him, she must
have a Stock of Vertue which he should blush to discern, if she can pay
him that Obedience of which he is so unworthy.
Superiors indeed are too apt to forget the common Privileges of Mankind;
that their Inferiors share with them the greatest Benefits, and are as
capable as themselves of enjoying the supreme Good; that though the
Order of the World requires an _Outward_ Respect and Obedience from some
to others, yet the Mind is free, nothing but Reason can oblige it, ’tis
out of the Reach of the most absolute Tyrant. Nor will it ever be well
either with those who Rule or those in Subjection, even from the Throne
to every private Family, till those in Authority look on themselves as
plac’d in that Station for the Good and Improvement of their Subjects,
and not for their own Sakes; not as the Reward of their Merit, or that
they may prosecute their own Desires and fulfil all their Pleasure, but
as the Representatives of God, whom they ought to imitate in the Justice
and Equity of their Laws, in doing Good and communicating Blessings to
all beneath them: By which, and not by following the imperious Dictates
of their own Will, they become truly Great and Illustrious, and worthily
fill their Place. And the Governed for their Part, ceasing to envy the
Pomp and Name of Authority, should respect their Governors as placed in
_GOD_’s stead, and contribute what they can to ease them of their real
Cares, by a chearful and ready Compliance, with their good Endeavours,
and by affording them the Pleasure of Success in such noble and generous
Designs.
For, upon a due Estimate, Things are pretty equally divided; those in
Subjection, as they have a less Glorious, so they have an easier Task
and a less Account to give; Whereas he who Commands, has in a great
measure the Faults of others to answer for as well as his own. ’Tis
true, he has the Pleasure of doing more Good than a private Person can,
and shall receive the Reward of it when Time shall be no more, in
Compensation for the Hazards he runs, the Difficulties he at present
encounters, and the large Account he is to make hereafter. Which
Pleasure and Reward are highly desirable, and most worthy our Pursuit;
but they are Motives which such as Usurp on their Governors, and make
them uneasy in the due Discharge of their Duty, never propose. As for
those other little Things that move their Envy and Ambition, they are of
no Esteem with a just Considerer, nor will such as violently pursue,
find their Account in them.
But how can a Man respect his Wife when he has a contemptible Opinion of
her and her Sex? When from his own Elevation he looks down on them as
void of Understanding, full of Ignorance and Passion, so that Folly and
a Woman are equivalent Terms with him? Can he think there is any
Gratitude due to her whose utmost Services he exacts as strict Duty?
Because she was made to be a Slave to his Will, and has no higher End
than to Serve and Obey him? Perhaps we arrogate too much to our selves,
when we say this Material World was made for our Sakes: That its
Glorious Maker has given us the Use of it is certain; but when we
suppose any Thing to be made purely for our Sakes, because we have
Dominion over it, we draw a false Conclusion. As he who should say the
People were made for the Prince who is set over them, would be thought
to be out of his Senses as well as his Politicks. Yet even allowing that
_GOD_, who made every Thing in Number, Weight and Measure, who never
acts but for some great and glorious End, an End agreeable to His
Majesty; allowing that He created such a Number of Rational Spirits
merely to serve their Fellow Creatures, yet how are these Lords and
Masters help’d by the Contempt they shew of their poor humble Vassals?
Is it not rather an Hindrance to that Service they expect, as being an
undeniable and constant Proof how unworthy they are to receive it?
None of _GOD_’s Creatures, absolutely consider’d, are in their own
Nature contemptible; the meanest Fly, the poorest Insect has its Use and
Vertue. Contempt is scarce a Human Passion, one may venture to say it
was not in innocent Man, for till Sin came into the World, there was
nothing in it to be contemn’d. But Pride, which makes every Thing serve
its Purposes, wrested this Passion from its only Use, so that instead of
being an Antidote against Sin, it is become a grand Promoter of it,
nothing making us more worthy of that Contempt we shew, than when, poor,
weak, dependent Creatures as we are! we look down with Scorn and Disdain
on others.