Although the devil is not as black as he is painted, I hope neither I
nor any other gentleman present bears any resemblance to his Satanic
Majesty. The Scythians, it is reported, first debated things when
drunk, and then whilst sober, and perhaps at the end of this gathering
I may be able to form a better opinion of the members of the Newport
Corporation.
_Mayor's Banquet, Newport
March 18th, 1886._
A few months ago, in the silly season, "The Times" had about a couple
of columns of letters from people discussing the uses and abuses of
drink. I read the letters carefully, and came to the conclusion that
there was a lot to be said on both sides. An octogenarian of 83 wrote
to say that his eyesight, hearing, and teeth were all sound, and that
he had not tasted spirituous liquors in his life. Shortly after,
another octogenarian of 84, in addition to claiming the healthy
condition of the previous writer, spoke of intending matrimony. He,
however, said his memory was not so good as it was, but, so far as he
could recollect, he had never been to bed sober in his life. After
reading the first letter, I thought it was a "clincher," and went to
bed without my usual brandy and soda, saying there would be no more
licensed victuallers' dinners for me. When, however, I read the second
letter, I changed my mind about the dinner. It has been said that life
is not all beer and skittles, but it is a good thing to have something
to drive away the depression which occasionally visits every one who
has arrived at manhood.
_Licensed Victuallers' Dinner, Cardiff,
March 15th, 1892._
In the old days barons drank strong ale. The barons would have their
liquor strong, and local veto at that time would have meant loss of
licensed victuallers' heads. Some people may wonder why I so
persistently attend the Licensed Victuallers' Association
meetings--for I do attend regularly. I will tell you why, in a few
words, if you will not tell anybody else. There is a clause in the
family settlements that compels me to do it. I endeavour to act up to
those settlements.
_Licensed Victuallers' Dinner, Newport,
March 9th, 1892._
I am not surprised that Members of Parliament are rather shy of going
to licensed victuallers' dinners. They have to be very careful of what
they say. Words, it has been said, are given to conceal thoughts.
After dinner, sometimes, thoughts get the mastery of words, and
Members of Parliament have to think a good deal of the future. They
have to ponder over the teetotal vote, and they have to be very
careful that they do not offend the licensed victuallers. The
difference as regards the members of the House of Lords is this--they
do not worry themselves about the teetotal vote, and they do not care
a _darn_ for the licensed victuallers.
A certain number of people think they can arrange everything
satisfactorily upon an arithmetical principle. The latest fad is "one
man one vote." If you do not take care it will be one man one glass. I
would like to know how that could be arranged on arithmetical
principles satisfactorily. There are a few other burning questions
which I have never yet seen satisfactorily answered. One is 'What is
Home Rule?' and the other is 'Have you used Pear's Soap?' Until we can
find satisfactory answers to these, I think that legislation in regard
to licensed victuallers will be quiet for a bit. I have never
considered it necessary to apologise for dining with licensed
victuallers. If there are any who think that in dining with that
company I am stepping down from a pedestal on which I ought to remain,
all I can do is to answer them in the beautiful motto of the Order of
the Garter, "Honi soit qui mal y pense."
_Licensed Victuallers' Dinner, Cardiff,
February 28th, 1891._
[Illustration: "_If there are any who think that I am stepping down
from a pedestal._"]