SCENE--_A Landing Stage under Margate Pier. Excursionists
discovered embarking in two rival sailing-boats, the "Daisy"
and the "Buttercup," whose respective Mates are exchanging
repartees._
[Illustration: "Pirate,--that's what I _was_, Sir!"]
_Mate of the "Daisy"._ This gangway, Marm--(_to a Stout Lady_)--not
_that_ one, if you want to _enjoy_ yourself. That one'll take you
aboard the "_Buttercup_," Marm!
[_The Stout Lady patronises the "Daisy."_
_Mate of the "Buttercup."_ You may 'ave _that_ little lot! Don't you
go overloadin' that 'ere old tub o' yourn, that's all!
_M. of the D._ No fear o' _you_ bein' crowded, anyhow. Folks ha' got
more sense!
_M. of the B._ Why, we can outsail _you_ any day. Spoke you off the
Tongue light, we did, close in to ye, we were--and back ten minutes
_afore_ ye--come! The "Buttercup"'ll answer any way we put her--a'most
_speak_ to us, _she_ will!
_M. of the D._ Ah, it's lucky for you she can't _quite_ speak--you'd
'ear some plain langwidge if she did!
_M. of the B._ _Our_ boat ain't never mis-stayed with us, 't all
events; ye can't deny that!
_M. of the D._ We don't go out for sailing, _we_ don't--we go out
for _pleasure_! (_As the "Daisy," having received her complement of
passengers, puts off._) Tralla! we'll resoom this conversation later
on; you won't ha' got off afore we're back, _I_ dessay!
[_The_ Mate of the "Buttercup" _is reduced to profanity._
_ON BOARD THE "DAISY," DURING THE TRIP._
_The Stout Lady._ Very 'an'some they fit these yachts
up--garding-seats all across the deck, and all the cushings in red
plush. It do give you sech a sense of security!
_A Lugubrious Man._ Oh, we shall be all right, so long as this squall
that's coming up don't catch us before we're in again. Else we shall
take _our_ tea down at the bottom, along with the lobsters!
_A Chirpy Little Man with a red chin-tuft_ (_to a female
acquaintance_). Well, how are _you_ feelin', eh?
_The Acquaintance._ Oh, all right, thenks--so long as I keep still.
There's more waves than it looked from the Pier.
_The Chirpy Man._ Waves? These ain't on'y ripples. When we're off the
Foreland, now, you _may_ talk!
_The Acq._ If it's worse than it is now, I _shan't_.
_The Chirpy Man._ Why, you ain't afraid o' being queer already? I'm
reg'lar enjoyin' it, I am. You don't object to me samplin' a cigar?
You enjoy the flavour of a smoke more when you're on the water, yer
know.
_First Girl._ I can see our lodgings; and there's Ma out on the
balcony--see? Let's wave our handkerchiefs to her.
_Second Girl._ Ma, indeed! Did you _ever_ know Ma stir off the sofa
after her dinner? I wouldn't make myself ridiklous waving to somebody
else's Ma, if _I_ was you!
_First Girl_ (_unconvinced_). I'm sure it _is_ Ma--it's just her
figger.
_Second Girl._ You are such an _obstinate_ girl! If it's Ma, what's
become of the verander?
_First Girl_ (_conquered by this unanswerable argument_). I forgot we
had a _verander_--it's one of those old cats next door!
_The Stout Lady_ (_to the Captain who is steering_). Shall we be out
long, Captain?
_The Captain._ I hope not, Marm, because I'm dining at the tabbly dote
at the Cliftonville this evenin', and I've got to be home in time to
dress.
[_The passengers regard him with increased respect._
_The Mate_ (_familiarly to the Captain_). Yes, dear; you don't want
to die in here, _do_ you? (_explanatorily_) "die in"--_dine_--you'll
excuse _me_, but the ocean always makes me feel so facetious. Captain,
dear, if you'll pardon a common sailor like myself for making
the suggestion, I beg to call upon you for a song. (_The Captain
obligingly bellows "The Stormy Nore--The Jolly old Nore," to the
general satisfaction_). Ah, they didn't know what a canary-bird you
_were_, Captain! Here's a lady asking you to drink at her expense.
[_The Captain is prevailed upon to accept a tumbler of "the
usual;" the Stout Lady says "Captin, your 'elth!" and pledges
him in a whiskey-and-soda._
_First Female Friend_ (_to Second Do. Do._). That's Mrs. EDLING, all
over, puttin' herself so forward! Look at her now, 'anding him up two
cigars in a paper-bag. I call it sickenin'!
_Second Do. Do._ I'm not surprised. She's a woman that 'ud do anythink
for notoriety. I've always noticed _that_ in her.
_Captain_ (_to Mate_). Ease the brails!
_Mate_ (_frivolously, after obeying_). They're feeling better
_now_, darlin'! If no one else'll sing a song, I'll give you "_The
Midshipmite_."
_The Stout Lady._ I do like the way those two go on together; it's as
good as a play. I shall begin laughin' presently; it takes a deal to
set me _off_, but when I once _am_ off, I can't stop myself. (_The
Mate sings._) A sweet singer _he_ is, too. Lor! it's like goin' for a
sail in a Music-'All!
_The Chirpy Man._ Yes, I'm comin' to set down a bit. Not so much
motion _'ere_, yer know. No use trying to smoke in this breeze. No,
I was on'y yawning. Makes yer sleepy, this see-saw does. Don't _you_
find it so?
_Mate_ (_to Sailor_). Now, WILLIAM, it's your turn--you're goin' to
sing us something?
_William_ (_gruffly_). No, I ain't. But there's a gen'lman 'ere as
says he'll recite.
[_After some persuasion, a Mild Young Man is induced to step
forward on the foredeck, and recite as follows_:--
_The Mild Young Man_ (_balancing himself with some difficulty_).
"Pirate, that's what I _was_, Sir. Talk about Captain KIDD--
His cruellest acts were kindness, compared with the deeds _I_ did!
Never a pitying pang felt I for youth, sex, age, or rank--
All who fell into my clutches were doomed to pace a protruded plank!
Yet the desperate demon of those days is now a Churchwarden mild,
Holding the bag at Collections--and all through a golden-haired
child!"
[_Here the_ Mate _suppresses a groan, and is understood to
remark that he "knows that golden-haired child;" the_ Stout
Lady _sighs, and inwardly reflects that you can never go by
appearances; the_ Chirpy Man _becomes solemn and attentive._
_The Ex-Pirate_ (_who meanwhile has sighted an East-Indiaman, and
given chase_).
"Well, soon as we'd overhauled her, our 'Jolly Roger' we flew,
We opened our dummy deadlights, and the guns gleamed grinning
through.
And, panther-like, we were crouching--"
[_Here he attempts to suit the action to the word; the boat
heels over--and the Pirate's crouch becomes a sprawl._