_Introduction._--Delighted to have the opportunity of exploring the
Ironice Mountains. Hearing they abound with frozen mud which would
be most useful if it could be removed to the plains below without
melting. The watercress plant too might be grown on the summit, if it
is practicable to take up orchid-forcing houses. Ought to get the Gold
Medal of the Geographical Society if I open out this region that will
be fraught with such blessings to commerce. So far as I can judge, it
will only be necessary to take twenty batteries of Artillery, a dozen
squadrons of Cavalry, and (say) sixteen battalions of Infantry. And I
think we might as well take a Naturalist.
_A little Later._--Made a good start. Appointed Professor POPOFF to
be our Naturalist. He is a little out of practice, but passed the
preliminary examination very satisfactorily. Only made one trifling
mistake. Said that tea-roses belonged to the cactus family. Fancy they
don't, but am not sure. The suggestion that cucumbers were dug out of
the ground like potatoes, was only an error of judgment. Anyone might
have made it. But although rusty in his science, he is well up in
machine-gun drill. He will suit the expedition to a nicety. Artillery,
Cavalry, and Infantry in first-rate condition.
_Later still._--Made our first important scientific discovery to-day.
Find that you can't grow broad beans on the soil at the base of the
Ironice Mountains. At least you may plant them, but they won't grow to
any size within the space of half-a-dozen hours. Tried the experiment.
To clear the necessary space of ground, had to remove the natives.
Did this in gallant style with the assistance of all branches of the
Service. The Professor rendered valuable support with his Gatling.
Hadn't time to bury the kilted, but said some kind things, when
bidding them adieu, to the wounded.
_Further on._--Most anxious to discover whether canaries sing half-way
up the Ironice Mountains. Had some little trouble in establishing a
footing on the plateau. After eight hours' hard fighting got to the
required spot. The natives seem to have no respect for scientific
research. Had to remove them in the usual fashion. The Cavalry had
to abandon their horses, but the dismounted men were most useful in
burning villages. The Professor continued to carry up his Gatling,
and used it with the customary result. When we got to the plateau,
disappointed to find no canaries. So we could not ascertain whether
they would sing at that altitude. However, when we have completed the
proposed railway, it will be quite easy to bring up a few of those
charming birds, and continue the interesting experiment.
_Later._--After six weeks' hard fighting, have at last got to the
summit. Cleared the place of the natives according to the recognised
scientific formula. The Infantry had to use their bayonets freely. The
Professor again well to the front with his Gatling. He is a wonderful
man, and seems to have been accustomed to it all his life. It is
almost a pity that he should be so devoted to science. He would have
made a first-rate soldier.
_Nearly the Latest._--Sorry that our expedition has not been entirely
successful. I am very much afraid that it will be impossible to
grow watercresses at this altitude, even with the genial aid of
orchid-forcing houses. I do not see how we could get up the necessary
materials to the summit, although assisted by proposed railway. Still,
when the line is constructed, we might make the attempt. But from a
commercial point of view, I do not believe that the experiment would
repay the cost.
_Sequel._--Delighted to find that our scientific expedition has
one result. I have consulted the Professor, and we are both of the
opinion, that from the summit of the Ironice Mountains it is possible
to get a splendid bird's-eye view of India.
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[Illustration: GOING ON BOARD.]
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