I had just reached the exciting part when two girls arrived on the
landing.
"There aren't two together; we shall have to divide," I heard one say.
"Excuse me," I said, rising. "Don't divide. I'll get into a single seat
if you care to take this double one."
I was rewarded with the now almost obsolete formula of "Thank you," and
moved a seat further back. Here I found some fresh reading material
provided for me in the shape of a notice to the effect that
PASSENGERS ARE WARNED
NOT TO PUT THEIR ARMS
OVER THE SIDE OF THE BUS.
When I had probed its beauties to the utmost depth I again turned round
to see if there was a vacant seat among the smokers. To my joy I saw
one. Quickly I rose and hastened to secure it, but at the same moment
the bus turned a sharp corner and I sustained a violent blow on the back
of my head which left me half-stunned.
The conductor, who had just appeared on deck to collect fares, helped me
to my feet. Then he rounded on me.
"Why don't you read the notices?" he said by way of peroration. "Then it
wouldn't've 'appened."
"The notices?" I repeated, handing him my fare. "I've done nothing else
but read notices ever since I got on this wretched reading-room. I know
where I may smoke and where I may not. I know that I must beware of
pickpockets, and I know that I mustn't waggle my arms over the
side-rails. Further, I have read Mr. Pinkerton's personal assurance that
his Pills are the Best. If I'd had more time I daresay I should have
worked my passage to the notice you refer to. I haven't reached it yet."
"Look 'ere," said the conductor, thrusting me into the vacant smoker's
seat and pointing with what I at first took to be a saveloy, but which
upon closer inspection proved to be his fore-finger, "what does that
say?--
TO AVOID ACCIDENTS PASSENGERS
SHOULD REMAIN SEATED WHILE
THE BUS IS PASSING UNDER RAILWAY
BRIDGES.
There nar. Some of you blokes never look any farther than the end of
your noses."
"Then if I had your nose," I retorted, "I should need a telescope to see
even as far as that."
I was much disappointed that, just as I got to the caustic part, the
exigencies of his profession demanded that he should punch six tickets
in rapid succession. My repartee was consequently drowned amid a perfect
_carillon_ of bells. But meanwhile I had found another notice--
TO STOP THE BUS
STRIKE THE BELL
ONCE.
It was a friendly and sensible notice, for, to tell the truth, I was
beginning to feel afraid of a bus that carried so much free literature.
It could not hope to be a thoroughly reliable bus and a library at the
same time. I therefore determined to forfeit several divisions of my
ticket, and give my "season" one more chance. I got up and struck the
bell once. As the driver didn't know it was just an ordinary passenger
that struck it he pulled up immediately. I had got halfway down the
staircase when somebody--it must have been that offensive
conductor--gave the game away, for the bus jerked badly and started off
again at a rare pace. So did I. But as I flew through the air I could
not help catching a fleeting glimpse of a final advisory notice--
PASSENGERS ARE CAUTIONED
AGAINST ALIGHTING FROM
THE BUS WHILE IN MOTION.
* * * * *
Illustration: THE IRON CROSS EPIDEMIC.
CAPTAIN OF A GERMAN CRUISER, HURRYING HOME AFTER SHELLING HEALTH-RESORT,
GIVES ORDERS TO LIGHTEN THE SHIP FOR THE SAKE OF SPEED.
* * * * *
From _The Evening Standard's_ racing news:
"That's Enough, 19st 2lb (Mr. R. Cavello)
_J. Killalee O_"
We agree with the horse.
* * * * *
Illustration: _General._ "GLAD TO SEE YOU WALKING, MY LAD. I ALWAYS
LIKE TO SEE A MAN WHO CONSIDERS HIS HORSE."
_Recruit._ "THANK YOU, SIR. BUT MY NEAR SIDE STIRRUP'S BROKE, AND I
CAN'T GET ON."
_General._ "THEN WHY THE DEUCE DON'T YOU GET ON WITH THE OFF-SIDE ONE?"
_Recruit_ (_after some consideration_). "BUT I'D BE SITTIN' WRONG WAY
ROUND."
* * * * *