worthy acquaintance, the old man, Mr. C----; he, with his wife, a
gracious woman, were at work at silk weaving; they seemed mutually
happy, and both quite glad to see me, and I more so to see them. I sat
down, and we conversed much about soul matters, &c. Their discourse
was amazingly delightful, edifying, and pleasant. I knew not at last
how to leave this agreeable pair, till time summoned me away. As I
was going they lent me a little book, entitled "The Conversion of an
Indian." It was in questions and answers. The poor man came over the
sea to London, to inquire after the Christian's God, who, (through
rich mercy) he found, and had not his journey in vain. The above book
was of great use to me, and at that time was a means of strengthening
my faith; however, in parting, they both invited me to call on them
when I pleased. This delighted me, and I took care to make all the
improvement from it I could; and so far I thanked God for such company
and desires. I prayed that the many evils I felt within might be done
away, and that I might be weaned from my former carnal acquaintances.
This was quickly heard and answered, and I was soon connected with
those whom the scripture calls the excellent of the earth. I heard the
gospel preached, and the thoughts of my heart and actions were laid
open by the preachers, and the way of salvation by Christ alone was
evidently set forth. Thus I went on happily for near two months; and I
once heard, during this period, a reverend gentleman speak of a man
who had departed this life in full assurance of his going to glory. I
was much astonished at the assertion; and did very deliberately
inquire how he could get at this knowledge. I was answered fully,
agreeable to what I read in the oracles of truth; and was told also,
that if I did not experience the new birth, and the pardon of my sins,
through the blood of Christ, before I died, I could not enter the
kingdom of heaven. I knew not what to think of this report, as I
thought I kept eight commandments out of ten; then my worthy
interpreter told me I did not do it, nor could I; and he added, that
no man ever did or could keep the commandments, without offending in
one point. I thought this sounded very strange, and puzzled me much
for many weeks; for I thought it a hard saying. I then asked my
friend, Mr. L----d, who was a clerk in a chapel, why the commandments
of God were given, if we could not be saved by them? To which he
replied, 'The law is a schoolmaster to bring us to Christ,' who alone
could and did keep the commandments, and fulfilled all their
requirements for his elect people, even those to whom he had given a
living faith, and the sins of those chosen vessels _were already_
atoned for and forgiven them whilst living; and if I did not
experience the same before my exit, the Lord would say at that great
day to me 'Go ye cursed,' &c. &c. for God would appear faithful in his
judgments to the wicked, as he would be faithful in shewing mercy to
those who were ordained to it before the world was; therefore Christ
Jesus seemed to be all in all to that man's soul. I was much wounded
at this discourse, and brought into such a dilemma as I never
expected. I asked him, if _he_ was to die that moment, whether he was
sure to enter the kingdom of God? and added, 'Do you _know_ that your
sins are forgiven you?' He answered in the affirmative. Then
confusion, anger, and discontent seized me, and I staggered much at
this sort of doctrine; it brought me to a stand, not knowing which to
believe, whether salvation by works or by faith only in Christ. I
requested him to tell me how I might know when my sins were forgiven
me. He assured me he could not, and that none but God alone could do
this. I told him it was very mysterious; but he said it was really
matter of fact, and quoted many portions of scripture immediately to
the point, to which I could make no reply. He then desired me to pray
to God to shew me these things. I answered, that I prayed to God every
day. He said, 'I perceive you are a churchman.' I answered I was. He
then entreated me to beg of God to shew me what I was, and the true
state of my soul. I thought the prayer very short and odd; so we
parted for that time. I weighed all these things well over, and could
not help thinking how it was possible for a man to know that his sins
were forgiven him in this life. I wished that God would reveal this
self same thing unto me. In a short time after this I went to
Westminster chapel; the Rev. Mr. P---- preached, from Lam. iii. 39. It
was a wonderful sermon; he clearly shewed that a living man had no
cause to complain for the punishment of his sins; he evidently
justified the Lord in all his dealings with the sons of men; he also
shewed the justice of God in the eternal punishment of the wicked and
impenitent. The discourse seemed to me like a two-edged sword cutting
all ways; it afforded me much joy, intermingled with many fears, about
my soul; and when it was ended, he gave it out that he intended, the
ensuing week, to examine all those who meant to attend the Lord's
table. Now I thought much of my good works, and at the same time was
doubtful of my being a proper object to receive the sacrament; I was
full of meditation till the day of examining. However, I went to the
chapel, and, though much distressed, I addressed the reverend
gentleman, thinking, if I was not right, he would endeavour to
convince me of it. When I conversed with him, the first thing he asked
me was, what I knew of Christ? I told him I believed in him, and had
been baptized in his name. 'Then,' said he, 'when were you brought to
the knowledge of God? and how were you convinced of sin?' I knew not
what he meant by these questions; I told him I kept eight commandments
out of ten; but that I sometimes swore on board ship, and sometimes
when on shore, and broke the sabbath. He then asked me if I could
read? I answered, 'Yes.'--'Then,' said he, 'do you not read in the
bible, he that offends in one point is guilty of all?' I said, 'Yes.'
Then he assured me, that one sin unatoned for was as sufficient to
damn a soul as one leak was to sink a ship. Here I was struck with
awe; for the minister exhorted me much, and reminded me of the
shortness of time, and the length of eternity, and that no
unregenerate soul, or any thing unclean, could enter the kingdom of
Heaven. He did not admit me as a communicant; but recommended me to
read the scriptures, and hear the word preached, not to neglect
fervent prayer to God, who has promised to hear the supplications of
those who seek him in godly sincerity; so I took my leave of him, with
many thanks, and resolved to follow his advice, so far as the Lord
would condescend to enable me. During this time I was out of employ,
nor was I likely to get a situation suitable for me, which obliged me
to go once more to sea. I engaged as steward of a ship called the
Hope, Capt. Richard Strange, bound from London to Cadiz in Spain. In a
short time after I was on board I heard the name of God much
blasphemed, and I feared greatly, lest I should catch the horrible
infection. I thought if I sinned again, after having life and death
set evidently before me, I should certainly go to hell. My mind was
uncommonly chagrined, and I murmured much at God's providential
dealings with me, and was discontented with the commandments, that I
could not be saved by what I had done; I hated all things, and wished
I had never been born; confusion seized me, and I wished to be
annihilated. One day I was standing on the very edge of the stern of
the ship, thinking to drown myself; but this scripture was instantly
impressed on my mind--'that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in
him,' 1 John iii. 15. Then I paused, and thought myself the unhappiest
man living. Again I was convinced that the Lord was better to me than
I deserved, and I was better off in the world than many. After this I
began to fear death; I fretted, mourned, and prayed, till I became a
burden to others, but more so to myself. At length I concluded to beg
my bread on shore rather than go again to sea amongst a people who
feared not God, and I entreated the captain three different times to
discharge me; he would not, but each time gave me greater and greater
encouragement to continue with him, and all on board shewed me very
great civility: notwithstanding all this I was unwilling to embark
again. At last some of my religious friends advised me, by saying it
was my lawful calling, consequently it was my duty to obey, and that
God was not confined to place, &c. &c. particularly Mr. G.S. the
governor of Tothil-fields Bridewell, who pitied my case, and read the
eleventh chapter of the Hebrews to me, with exhortations. He prayed
for me, and I believed that he prevailed on my behalf, as my burden
was then greatly removed, and I found a heartfelt resignation to the
will of God. The good man gave me a pocket Bible and Allen's Alarm to
the unconverted. We parted, and the next day I went on board again. We
sailed for Spain, and I found favour with the captain. It was the
fourth of the month of September when we sailed from London; we had a
delightful voyage to Cadiz, where we arrived the twenty-third of the
same month. The place is strong, commands a fine prospect, and is very
rich. The Spanish galloons frequent that port, and some arrived whilst
we were there. I had many opportunities of reading the scriptures. I
wrestled hard with God in fervent prayer, who had declared in his word
that he would hear the groanings and deep sighs of the poor in spirit.
I found this verified to my utter astonishment and comfort in the
following manner:
On the morning of the 6th of October, (I pray you to attend) or all
that day, I thought that I should either see or hear something
supernatural. I had a secret impulse on my mind of something that was
to take place, which drove me continually for that time to a throne of
grace. It pleased God to enable me to wrestle with him, as Jacob did:
I prayed that if sudden death were to happen, and I perished, it might
be at Christ's feet.
In the evening of the same day, as I was reading and meditating on the
fourth chapter of the Acts, twelfth verse, under the solemn
apprehensions of eternity, and reflecting on my past actions, I began
to think I had lived a moral life, and that I had a proper ground to
believe I had an interest in the divine favour; but still meditating
on the subject, not knowing whether salvation was to be had partly for
our own good deeds, or solely as the sovereign gift of God; in this
deep consternation the Lord was pleased to break in upon my soul with
his bright beams of heavenly light; and in an instant as it were,
removing the veil, and letting light into a dark place, I saw clearly
with the eye of faith the crucified Saviour bleeding on the cross on
mount Calvary: the scriptures became an unsealed book, I saw myself a
condemned criminal under the law, which came with its full force to my
conscience, and when 'the commandment came sin revived, and I died,' I
saw the Lord Jesus Christ in his humiliation, loaded and bearing my
reproach, sin, and shame. I then clearly perceived that by the deeds
of the law no flesh living could be justified. I was then convinced
that by the first Adam sin came, and by the second Adam (the Lord
Jesus Christ) all that are saved must be made alive. It was given me
at that time to know what it was to be born again, John iii. 5. I saw
the eighth chapter to the Romans, and the doctrines of God's decrees,
verified agreeable to his eternal, everlasting, and unchangeable
purposes. The word of God was sweet to my taste, yea sweeter than
honey and the honeycomb. Christ was revealed to my soul as the
chiefest among ten thousand. These heavenly moments were really as
life to the dead, and what John calls an earnest of the Spirit[V].
This was indeed unspeakable, and I firmly believe undeniable by many.
Now every leading providential circumstance that happened to me, from
the day I was taken from my parents to that hour, was then in my view,
as if it had but just then occurred. I was sensible of the invisible
hand of God, which guided and protected me when in truth I knew it
not: still the Lord pursued me although I slighted and disregarded it;
this mercy melted me down. When I considered my poor wretched state I
wept, seeing what a great debtor I was to sovereign free grace. Now
the Ethiopian was willing to be saved by Jesus Christ, the sinner's
only surety, and also to rely on none other person or thing for
salvation. Self was obnoxious, and good works he had none, for it is
God that worketh in us both to will and to do. The amazing things of
that hour can never be told--it was joy in the Holy Ghost! I felt an
astonishing change; the burden of sin, the gaping jaws of hell, and
the fears of death, that weighed me down before, now lost their
horror; indeed I thought death would now be the best earthly friend I
ever had. Such were my grief and joy as I believe are seldom
experienced. I was bathed in tears, and said, What am I that God
should thus look on me the vilest of sinners? I felt a deep concern
for my mother and friends, which occasioned me to pray with fresh
ardour; and, in the abyss of thought, I viewed the unconverted people
of the world in a very awful state, being without God and without
hope.
It pleased God to pour out on me the Spirit of prayer and the grace of
supplication, so that in loud acclamations I was enabled to praise and
glorify his most holy name. When I got out of the cabin, and told some
of the people what the Lord had done for me, alas, who could
understand me or believe my report!--None but to whom the arm of the
Lord was revealed. I became a barbarian to them in talking of the love
of Christ: his name was to me as ointment poured forth; indeed it was
sweet to my soul, but to them a rock of offence. I thought my case
singular, and every hour a day until I came to London, for I much
longed to be with some to whom I could tell of the wonders of God's
love towards me, and join in prayer to him whom my soul loved and
thirsted after. I had uncommon commotions within, such as few can tell
aught about. Now the bible was my only companion and comfort; I prized
it much, with many thanks to God that I could read it for myself, and
was not left to be tossed about or led by man's devices and notions.
The worth of a soul cannot be told.--May the Lord give the reader an
understanding in this. Whenever I looked in the bible I saw things
new, and many texts were immediately applied to me with great comfort,
for I knew that to me was the word of salvation sent. Sure I was that
the Spirit which indited the word opened my heart to receive the truth
of it as it is in Jesus--that the same Spirit enabled me to act faith
upon the promises that were so precious to me, and enabled me to
believe to the salvation of my soul. By free grace I was persuaded
that I had a part in the first resurrection, and was 'enlightened with
the light of the living,' Job xxxiii. 30. I wished for a man of God
with whom I might converse: my soul was like the chariots of Aminidab,
Canticles vi. 12. These, among others, were the precious promises that
were so powerfully applied to me: 'All things whatsoever ye shall ask
in prayer, believing, ye shall receive,' Mat. xxi. 22. 'Peace I leave
with you, my peace I give unto you,' John xiv. 27. I saw the blessed
Redeemer to be the fountain of life, and the well of salvation. I
experienced him all in all; he had brought me by a way that I knew
not, and he had made crooked paths straight. Then in his name I set up
my Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto he hath helped me: and could say to the
sinners about me, Behold what a Saviour I have! Thus I was, by the
teaching of that all-glorious Deity, the great One in Three, and Three
in One, confirmed in the truths of the bible, those oracles of
everlasting truth, on which every soul living must stand or fall
eternally, agreeable to Acts iv. 12. 'Neither is there salvation in
any other, for there is none other name under heaven given among men
whereby we must be saved, but only Christ Jesus.' May God give the
reader a right understanding in these facts! To him that believeth all
things are possible, but to them that are unbelieving nothing is pure,
Titus i. 15. During this period we remained at Cadiz until our ship
got laden. We sailed about the fourth of November; and, having a good
passage, we arrived in London the month following, to my comfort, with
heartfelt gratitude to God for his rich and unspeakable mercies. On my
return I had but one text which puzzled me, or that the devil
endeavoured to buffet me with, viz. Rom. xi. 6. and, as I had heard of
the Reverend Mr. Romaine, and his great knowledge in the scriptures, I
wished much to hear him preach. One day I went to Blackfriars church,
and, to my great satisfaction and surprise, he preached from that very
text. He very clearly shewed the difference between human works and
free election, which is according to God's sovereign will and
pleasure. These glad tidings set me entirely at liberty, and I went
out of the church rejoicing, seeing my spots were those of God's
children. I went to Westminster Chapel, and saw some of my old
friends, who were glad when they perceived the wonderful change that
the Lord had wrought in me, particularly Mr. G---- S----, my worthy
acquaintance, who was a man of a choice spirit, and had great zeal for
the Lord's service. I enjoyed his correspondence till he died in the
year 1784. I was again examined at that same chapel, and was received
into church fellowship amongst them: I rejoiced in spirit, making
melody in my heart to the God of all my mercies. Now my whole wish was
to be dissolved, and to be with Christ--but, alas! I must wait mine
appointed time.
* * * * *
MISCELLANEOUS VERSES,
or
Reflections on the State of my mind during my first
Convictions; of the Necessity of believing the Truth, and
experiencing the inestimable Benefits of Christianity.
Well may I say my life has been
One scene of sorrow and of pain;
From early days I griefs have known,
And as I grew my griefs have grown:
Dangers were always in my path;
And fear of wrath, and sometimes death;
While pale dejection in me reign'd
I often wept, by grief constrain'd.
When taken from my native land,
By an unjust and cruel band,
How did uncommon dread prevail!
My sighs no more I could conceal.
'To ease my mind I often strove,
And tried my trouble to remove:
I sung, and utter'd sighs between--
Assay'd to stifle guilt with sin.
'But O! not all that I could do
Would stop the current of my woe;
Conviction still my vileness shew'd;
How great my guilt--how lost from God!
'Prevented, that I could not die,
Nor might to one kind refuge fly;
An orphan state I had to mourn,--
Forsook by all, and left forlorn.'
Those who beheld my downcast mien
Could not guess at my woes unseen:
They by appearance could not know
The troubles that I waded through.
'Lust, anger, blasphemy, and pride,
With legions of such ills beside,
Troubled my thoughts,' while doubts and fears
Clouded and darken'd most my years.
'Sighs now no more would be confin'd--
They breath'd the trouble of my mind:
I wish'd for death, but check'd the word,
And often pray'd unto the Lord.'
Unhappy, more than some on earth,
I thought the place that gave me birth--
Strange thoughts oppress'd--while I replied
"Why not in Ethiopia died?"
And why thus spared, nigh to hell?--
God only knew--I could not tell!
'A tott'ring fence, a bowing wall
thought myself ere since the fall.'
'Oft times I mused, nigh despair,
While birds melodious fill'd the air:
Thrice happy songsters, ever free,
How bless'd were they compar'd to me!'
Thus all things added to my pain,
While grief compell'd me to complain;
When sable clouds began to rise
My mind grew darker than the skies.
The English nation call'd to leave,
How did my breast with sorrows heave!
I long'd for rest--cried "Help me, Lord!
Some mitigation, Lord, afford!"
Yet on, dejected, still I went--
Heart-throbbing woes within were pent;
Nor land, nor sea, could comfort give,
Nothing my anxious mind relieve.
Weary with travail, yet unknown
To all but God and self alone,
Numerous months for peace I strove,
And numerous foes I had to prove.
Inur'd to dangers, griefs, and woes,
Train'd up 'midst perils, deaths, and foes,
I said "Must it thus ever be?--
No quiet is permitted me."
Hard hap, and more than heavy lot!
I pray'd to God "Forget me not--
What thou ordain'st willing I'll bear;
But O! deliver from despair!"
Strivings and wrestlings seem'd in vain;
Nothing I did could ease my pain:
Then gave I up my works and will,
Confess'd and own'd my doom was hell!
Like some poor pris'ner at the bar,
Conscious of guilt, of sin and fear,
Arraign'd, and self-condemned, I stood--
'Lost in the world, and in my blood!'
Yet here, 'midst blackest clouds confin'd,
A beam from Christ, the day-star, shin'd;
Surely, thought I, if Jesus please,
He can at once sign my release.
I, ignorant of his righteousness,
Set up my labours in its place;
'Forgot for why his blood was shed,
And pray'd and fasted in its stead.'
He dy'd for sinners--I am one!
Might not his blood for me atone?
Tho' I am nothing else but sin,
Yet surely he can make me clean!
Thus light came in, and I believ'd;
Myself forgot, and help receiv'd!
My Saviour then I know I found,
For, eas'd from guilt, no more I groan'd.
O, happy hour, in which I ceas'd
To mourn, for then I found a rest!
My soul and Christ were now as one--
Thy light, O Jesus, in me shone!
Bless'd be thy name, for now I know
I and my works can nothing do;
"The Lord alone can ransom man--
For this the spotless Lamb was slain!"
When sacrifices, works, and pray'r,
Prov'd vain, and ineffectual were,
"Lo, then I come!" the Saviour cry'd,
And, bleeding, bow'd his head and dy'd!
He dy'd for all who ever saw
No help in them, nor by the law:--
I this have seen; and gladly own
"Salvation is by Christ alone[W]!"
FOOTNOTES:
[Footnote V: John xvi. 13, 14. &c.]
[Footnote W: Acts iv. 12.]
CHAP. XI.
_The author embarks on board a ship bound for Cadiz--Is near
being shipwrecked--Goes to Malaga--Remarkable fine cathedral
there--The author disputes with a popish priest--Picking up
eleven miserable men at sea in returning to England--Engages
again with Doctor Irving to accompany him to Jamaica and the
Mosquito Shore--Meets with an Indian prince on board--The
author attempts to instruct him in the truths of the
Gospel--Frustrated by the bad example of some in the
ship--They arrive on the Mosquito Shore with some slaves
they purchased at Jamaica, and begin to cultivate a
plantation--Some account of the manners and customs of the
Mosquito Indians--Successful device of the author's to quell
a riot among them--Curious entertainment given by them to
Doctor Irving and the author, who leaves the shore and goes
for Jamaica--Is barbarously treated by a man with whom he
engaged for his passage--Escapes and goes to the Mosquito
admiral, who treats him kindly--He gets another vessel and
goes on board--Instances of bad treatment--Meets Doctor
Irving--Gets to Jamaica--Is cheated by his captain--Leaves
the Doctor and goes for England._
When our ship was got ready for sea again, I was entreated by the
captain to go in her once more; but, as I felt myself now as happy as
I could wish to be in this life, I for some time refused; however, the
advice of my friends at last prevailed; and, in full resignation to
the will of God, I again embarked for Cadiz in March 1775. We had a
very good passage, without any material accident, until we arrived off
the Bay of Cadiz; when one Sunday, just as we were going into the
harbour, the ship struck against a rock and knocked off a garboard
plank, which is the next to the keel. In an instant all hands were in
the greatest confusion, and began with loud cries to call on God to
have mercy on them. Although I could not swim, and saw no way of
escaping death, I felt no dread in my then situation, having no desire
to live. I even rejoiced in spirit, thinking this death would be
sudden glory. But the fulness of time was not yet come. The people
near to me were much astonished in seeing me thus calm and resigned;
but I told them of the peace of God, which through sovereign grace I
enjoyed, and these words were that instant in my mind:
"Christ is my pilot wise, my compass is his word;
My soul each storm defies, while I have such a Lord.
I trust his faithfulness and power,
To save me in the trying hour.
Though rocks and quicksands deep through all my passage lie,
Yet Christ shall safely keep and guide me with his eye.
How can I sink with such a prop,
That bears the world and all things up?"
At this time there were many large Spanish flukers or passage-vessels
full of people crossing the channel; who seeing our condition, a
number of them came alongside of us. As many hands as could be
employed began to work; some at our three pumps, and the rest
unloading the ship as fast as possible. There being only a single rock
called the Porpus on which we struck, we soon got off it, and
providentially it was then high water, we therefore run the ship
ashore at the nearest place to keep her from sinking. After many
tides, with a great deal of care and industry, we got her repaired
again. When we had dispatched our business at Cadiz, we went to
Gibraltar, and from thence to Malaga, a very pleasant and rich city,
where there is one of the finest cathedrals I had ever seen. It had
been above fifty years in building, as I heard, though it was not then
quite finished; great part of the inside, however, was completed and
highly decorated with the richest marble columns and many superb
paintings; it was lighted occasionally by an amazing number of wax
tapers of different sizes, some of which were as thick as a man's
thigh; these, however, were only used on some of their grand
festivals.