_ARNOLDUS._ O! _Cornelius_, well met heartily, you have been lost this
hundred Years.
_Co._ What my old Companion _Arnoldus_, the Man I long'd to see most of
any Man in the World! God save you.
_Ar._ We all gave thee over for lost. But prithee where hast been
rambling all this While?
_Co._ In t'other World.
_Ar._ Why truly a Body would think so by thy slovenly Dress, lean
Carcase, and ghastly Phyz.
_Co._ Well, but I am just come from _Jerusalem_, not from the _Stygian_
Shades.
_Ar._ What Wind blew thee thither?
_Co._ What Wind blows a great many other Folks thither?
_Ar._ Why Folly, or else I am mistaken.
_Co._ However, I am not the only Fool in the World.
_Ar._ What did you hunt after there?
_Co._ Why Misery.
_Ar._ You might have found that nearer Home. But did you meet with any
Thing worth seeing there?
_Co._ Why truly, to speak ingenuously, little or nothing. They shew us
some certain Monuments of Antiquity, which I look upon to be most of 'em
Counterfeits, and meer Contrivances to bubble the Simple and Credulous.
I don't think they know precisely the Place that _Jerusalem_ anciently
stood in.
_Ar._ What did you see then?
_Co._ A great deal of Barbarity every where.
_Ar._ But I hope you are come back more holy than you went.
_Co._ No indeed, rather ten Times worse.
_Ar._ Well, but then you are richer?
_Co._ Nay, rather poorer than _Job_.
_Ar._ But don't you repent you have taken so long a Journey to so little
Purpose?
_Co._ No, nor I am not asham'd neither, I have so many Companions of my
Folly to keep me in Countenance; and as for Repentance, it's too late
now.
_Ar._ What! do you get no Good then by so dangerous a Voyage?
_Co._ Yes, a great Deal.
_Ar._ What is it?
_Co._ Why, I shall live more pleasantly for it for Time to come.
_Ar._ What, because you'll have the Pleasure of telling old Stories when
the Danger is over?
_Co._ That is something indeed, but that is not all.
_Ar._ Is there any other Advantage in it besides that?
_Co._ Yes, there is.
_Ar._ What is it? Pray tell me.
_Co._ Why, I can divert myself and Company, as oft as I have a Mind to
it, in romancing upon my Adventures over a Pot of Ale, or a good Dinner.
_Ar._ Why, truly that is something, as you say.
_Co._ And besides, I shall take as much Pleasure myself when I hear
others romancing about Things they never heard nor saw; nay, and that
they do with that Assurance, that when they are telling the most
ridiculous and impossible Things in Nature, they persuade themselves
they are speaking Truth all the While.
_Ar._ This is a wonderful Pleasure. Well then, you have not lost all
your Cost and Labour, as the Saying is.
_Co._ Nay, I think this is something better still than what they do,
who, for the sake of little Advance-money, list themselves for Soldiers
in the Army, which is the Nursery of all Impiety.
_Ar._ But it is an ungentleman-like Thing to take Delight in telling
Lies.
_Co._ But it is a little more like a Gentleman than either to delight
others, or be delighted in slandering other Persons, or lavishing away a
Man's Time or Substance in Gaming.
_Ar._ Indeed I must be of your Mind in that.
_Co._ But then there is another Advantage.
_Ar._ What is that?
_Co._ If there shall be any Friend that I love very well, who shall
happen to be tainted with this Phrensy, I will advise him to stay at
Home; as your Mariners that have been cast away, advise them that are
going to Sea, to steer clear of the Place where they miscarried.
_Ar._ I wish you had been my Moniter in Time.
_Co._ What Man! Have you been infected with this Disease too?
_Ar._ Yes, I have been at _Rome_ and _Compostella_.
_Co._ Good God! how I am pleas'd that you have been as great a Fool as
I! What _Pallas_ put that into your Head?
_Ar._ No _Pallas_, but _Moria_ rather, especially when I left at Home a
handsome young Wife, several Children, and a Family, who had nothing in
the World to depend upon for a Maintenance but my daily Labour.
_Co._ Sure it must be some important Reason that drew you away from all
these engaging Relations. Prithee tell me what it was.
_Ar._ I am asham'd to tell it.
_Co._ You need not be asham'd to tell me, who, you know, have been sick
of the same Distemper.
_Ar._ There was a Knot of Neighbours of us drinking together, and when
the Wine began to work in our Noddles, one said he had a Mind to make a
Visit to St. _James_, and another to St. _Peter_; presently there was
one or two that promis'd to go with them, till at last it was concluded
upon to go all together; and I, that I might not seem a disagreeable
Companion, rather than break good Company, promised to go too. The next
Question was, whether we should go to _Rome_ or _Compostella_? Upon the
Debate it was determin'd that we should all, God willing, set out the
next Day for both Places.
_Co._ A grave Decree, fitter to be writ in Wine than engrav'd in Brass.
_Ar._ Presently a Bumper was put about to our good Journey, which when
every Man had taken off in his Turn, the Vote passed into an Act, and
became inviolable.
_Co._ A new Religion! But did you all come safe back?
_Ar._ All but three, one dy'd by the Way, and gave us in Charge to give
his humble Service to _Peter_ and _James_; another dy'd at _Rome_, who
bad us remember him to his Wife and Children; and the third we left at
_Florence_ dangerously ill, and I believe he is in Heaven before now.
_Co._ Was he so good a Man then?
_Ar._ The veriest Droll in Nature.
_Co._ Why do you think he is in Heaven then?
_Ar._ Because he had a whole Satchel full of large Indulgencies.
_Co._ I understand you, but it is a long Way to Heaven, and a very
dangerous one too, as I am told, by reason of the little Thieves that
infest the middle Region of the Air.
_Ar._ That's true, but he was well fortify'd with Bulls.
_Co._ What Language were they written in?
_Ar._ In _Latin_.
_Co._ And will they secure him?
_Ar._ Yes, unless he should happen upon some Spirit that does not
understand _Latin_, in that Case he must go back to _Rome_, and get a
new Passport.
_Co._ Do they sell Bulls there to dead Men too?
_Ar._ Yes.
_Co._ But by the Way, let me advise you to have a Care what you say, for
now there are a great many Spies abroad.
_Ar._ I don't speak slightingly of Indulgencies themselves, but I laugh
at the Folly of my fuddling Companion, who tho' he was the greatest
Trifler that ever was born, yet chose rather to venture the whole Stress
of his Salvation upon a Skin of Parchment than upon the Amendment of his
Life. But when shall we have that merry Bout you spoke of just now?
_Co._ When Opportunity offers we'll set a Time for a small Collation,
and invite some of our Comrades, there we will tell Lies, who can lye
fastest, and divert one another with Lies till we have our Bellies full.
_Ar._ Come on, a Match.
_OF BENEFICE-HUNTERS._
The ARGUMENT.
_In this Colloquy those Persons are reprehended that run
to and again to_ Rome _hunting after Benefices, and that
oftentimes with the Hazard of the Corruption of their
Morals, and the Loss of their Money. The Clergy are
admonished to divert themselves with reading of good
Books, rather than with a Concubine. Jocular Discourse
concerning a long Nose_.