MR. BELFORD, TO MR. ROBERT LOVELACE, ESQ.
FRIDAY NOON, JULY 21.
This morning I was admitted, as soon as I sent up my name, into the
presence of the divine lady. Such I may call her; as what I have to
relate will fully prove.
She had had a tolerable night, and was much better in spirits; though
weak in person; and visibly declining in looks.
Mrs. Lovick and Mrs. Smith were with her; and accused her, in a gentle
manner, of having applied herself too assiduously to her pen for her
strength, having been up ever since five. She said, she had rested
better than she had done for many nights: she had found her spirits free,
and her mind tolerably easy: and having, as she had reason to think, but
a short time, and much to do in it, she must be a good housewife of her
hours.
She had been writing, she said, a letter to her sister: but had not
pleased herself in it; though she had made two or three essays: but that
the last must go.
By hints I had dropt from time to time, she had reason, she said, to
think that I knew every thing that concerned her and her family; and, if
so, must be acquainted with the heavy curse her father had laid upon her;
which had been dreadfully fulfilled in one part, as to her prospects in
this life, and that in a very short time; which gave her great
apprehensions of the other part. She had been applying herself to her
sister, to obtain a revocation of it. I hope my father will revoke it,
said she, or I shall be very miserable--Yet [and she gasped as she spoke,
with apprehension]--I am ready to tremble at what the answer may be; for
my sister is hard-hearted.
I said something reflecting upon her friends; as to what they would
deserve to be thought of, if the unmerited imprecation were not
withdrawn. Upon which she took me up, and talked in such a dutiful
manner of her parents as must doubly condemn them (if they remain
implacable) for their inhuman treatment of such a daughter.
She said, I must not blame her parents: it was her dear Miss Howe's fault
to do so. But what an enormity was there in her crime, which could set
the best of parents (they had been to her, till she disobliged them) in a
bad light, for resenting the rashness of a child from whose education
they had reason to expect better fruits! There were some hard
circumstances in her case, it was true: but my friend could tell me, that
no one person, throughout the whole fatal transaction, had acted out of
character, but herself. She submitted therefore to the penalty she had
incurred. If they had any fault, it was only that they would not inform
themselves of such circumstances, which would alleviate a little her
misdeed; and that supposing her a more guilty creature than she was, they
punished her without a hearing.
Lord!--I was going to curse thee, Lovelace! How every instance of
excellence, in this all excelling creature, condemns thee;--thou wilt
have reason to think thyself of all men the most accursed, if she die!
I then besought her, while she was capable of such glorious instances of
generosity, and forgiveness, to extend her goodness to a man, whose heart
bled in every vein of it for the injuries he had done her; and who would
make it the study of his whole life to repair them.
The women would have withdrawn when the subject became so particular.
But she would not permit them to go. She told me, that if after this
time I was for entering with so much earnestness into a subject so very
disagreeable to her, my visits must not be repeated. Nor was there
occasion, she said, for my friendly offices in your favour; since she
had begun to write her whole mind upon that subject to Miss Howe, in
answer to letters from her, in which Miss Howe urged the same arguments,
in compliment to the wishes of your noble and worthy relations.
Mean time, you may let him know, said she, that I reject him with my
whole heart:--yet, that although I say this with such a determination as
shall leave no room for doubt, I say it not however with passion. On the
contrary, tell him, that I am trying to bring my mind into such a frame
as to be able to pity him; [poor perjured wretch! what has he not to
answer for!] and that I shall not think myself qualified for the state I
am aspiring to, if, after a few struggles more, I cannot forgive him too:
and I hope, clasping her hands together, uplifted as were her eyes, my
dear earthly father will set me the example my heavenly one has already
set us all; and, by forgiving his fallen daughter, teach her to forgive
the man, who then, I hope, will not have destroyed my eternal prospects,
as he has my temporal!
Stop here, thou wretch!--but I need not bid thee!----for I can go no
farther!