We left Chelmsford on the 14th of April, and marched to the Isle of
Wight, where we lay until the 27th May. I was once in the Methodist
meeting house while we lay in the town of Newport. On the 27th May,
1800, we embarked on board the Diadem, 64 guns, and the Inconstant
frigate, both armed _en flute_ (_i. e._ partially armed), and fitted for
the reception of troops. We left all our women and heavy baggage in the
Isle of Wight; and as we were not informed where we were going, this
circumstance led us to conjecture, that we were destined for some
desperate and secret enterprise. We were joined by some more ships with
troops, and sailed down the English channel, until we fell in with the
Channel fleet, under the command of Sir John Jarvis. Sir Edward Pellew,
(now Lord Exmouth,) was sent along with us, with a squadron of eight
ships of war. It was a magnificent sight to see the Channel fleet in
regular order. They were in number forty-four ships of the line, (a
large proportion of them three-deckers) and a number of frigates. We
sailed along the cost of France until we came to the bay of Quiberon,
where we came to an anchor on the 2d June, near a small island called
Houet, lying betwixt the isle of Belleisle and the main land, about four
or five miles from the latter, and six or seven from Belleisle.
On the 4th, which was the anniversary of his Majesty's birth, a singular
occurrence took place. A sloop of war, and a number of boats armed with
carronades, having detachments of troops in them, were despatched in the
morning, to attack a battery situated on a projecting point of the main
land, where it approaches nearest to Belleisle, and from which ships
coming to our present anchorage, were liable to be fired upon. It lay
about eight or ten miles from us: but as the wind was light, the sloop
of war and the boats did not get near the battery, until it was past
twelve o'clock. The battery then opened a fire from two 24 pounders,
which played briskly upon them. The day was fine and clear, which
permitted us to see the smoke of every gun that was fired, and where the
shot struck the water. We looked on with eager anxiety, and observed all
the movements of the sloop of war and the boats. It was near one o'clock
before she was in a position to return the fire of the battery, which
she did briskly. The armed boats then pulled towards the shore, under
cover of her fire. At one o'clock they were close to the battery, and
commenced a smart fire upon it from their carronades, and the contest
was at the hottest, just at the instant that the ships we were in, were
firing the salute in honour of his Majesty's birth day. The enemy
precipitately retired from the battery, and the troops and seamen
landed, dismounted the guns, broke the carriages, and did what other
damage they could, and then returned to the fleet. We all remarked the
singularity of the circumstance, that while we were saluting with blank
shot, they were saluting with round, double headed, and grape shot, in
real earnest, by which several lives were lost, and some were wounded,
besides other damages.
We landed on the island of Houet on the 6th June. It was a small place,
almost destitute of cultivation, and only a little fishing village on
it. Some more ships arrived from England with troops, and preparations
were made for attacking Belleisle. On the 15th June, we were embarked on
board the ships of the line, in order to go near the island, and make
our debarkation from them, under the cover of their guns. Our regiment
was wholly on board of the Terrible, 74. We were five days in this ship;
and here there were a number of the sailors, who were serious, and
united together few prayer and praise; some of them were known to
several of our men; the seamen were all very kind, and uncommonly
obliging to us; every thing was orderly and quiet; religion appeared to
have so far prevailed in this ship, as to give a general tone to the
manners and conversation of the seamen; so that they were not like the
same kind of men that we met with in other ships of war. Those men, who
were not religious, did not make a mock at religion; and those who were
serious, were in the habit of having what might be called public prayers
between decks, at stated periods. This was intimated through the ship,
by two or more individuals going round and informing the sailors that
there were to be prayers at such a gun, say, No. 9 or 10, on the
starboard or larboard side. At these public meetings, I understood, that
one or other of them addressed their fellow seamen.--In these practices
they appeared to be protected by their officers; and they held a meeting
for prayer and praise, on the forecastle, evening and morning: I had
some conversation with some of them who were natives of Scotland; but I
was never actually present at any of the meetings. We were so crowded,
that it was with difficulty we could move from one part of the ship to
another; and we durst never be any time absent from the place where our
arms were, lest we should lose them, and not find them readily, as we
were under orders to be ready at a moment's notice to go into the boats.
Our coming to this ship, was one of the steps of divine Providence for
my good; for seeing and hearing something of religion in it, awakened
once more in my heart, a concern for my soul; and, although it wore off,
as before, it was a means of preventing me from becoming confirmed in a
state of careless indifference.
On the 18th June, the Captain 74, while under sail, happened to approach
the shore, and went within reach of shot. When she put about, to stand
out from the shore, she was fired upon from several points nearly in the
same instant, and received some damage before she got out of reach. The
batteries which fired upon her were concealed from view; and we were
informed, that the shore was defended by batteries, at all the points
where it was convenient to land. We were waiting for the arrival of some
more troops from England, which were hourly expected, but did not
arrive.--On the 20th, the enterprise was given up. It was said, that
during the hazy weather, which had prevented us from seeing to any
distance, re-enforcements had been sent into Belleisle. We returned to
the isle of Houet, and to our tents, which had been left standing. Our
number was said to be about 5000. On the next day, orders arrived for us
to embark, which was done; and we sailed on the day following under
sealed orders, and left the ships of war that belonged to the Channel
fleet.
We had a pleasant and quick passage to the Straits of Gibraltar, where
our Commodore informed us, that we were destined for the island of
Minorca, to join an expedition that was forming under Sir Ralph
Abercrombie, to assist the Austrians in Italy. We passed through the
Straits, but did not touch at Gibraltar. We arrived at Minorca on the
21st July. We then learned, that Sir Ralph Abercrombie had already been
at Leghorn; but that the Austrians having sustained a severe defeat from
the French, under Buonaparte, had made an agreement, which did not allow
of British troops being landed, and that Sir Ralph had brought back what
troops he had to Minorca. We landed for refreshment and exercise on the
7th of August, and the whole regiment embarked again, on the 30th, on
board of the Stately, 64. We sailed on the 31st for Gibraltar, where we
arrived on the 14th September. We were there joined by another
expedition, under the command of Sir James Pulteney. They had sailed
from England in the beginning of July, and had made a descent on the
coast of Spain at Ferrol, but had not effected any thing, except
alarming the country. There was now a large body of troops on board this
fleet; their number being about 25000. There were in all, upwards of 100
sail of large ships; two-thirds of which were war vessels of one
description or other. We were in want of water, to get which, we went to
Tetuan bay, which is on the Barbary shore, to the south-east of
Gibraltar, belonging to Morocco. Here the whole fleet completed their
stores of provisions and water. We set sail on the 27th, with an
intention to pass the straits of Gibraltar; but the wind changed, and
after beating about, we put back to Tetuan on the 29th. On the 1st
October, the wind having become fair, we set sail, passed through the
Straits, and anchored next day near to Cadiz in Spain. On the 3d of
October we got orders to be in readiness to land. A flag of truce came
from the shore to the Admiral on the 4th, and returned back the same
day. On the 6th, the day being fine, we weighed anchor and stood across
the bay of Cadiz, with the intention of landing near the town of St.
Mary's. The dispositions having been made for landing, the ships of war,
intended to cover the debarkation, were moving towards the shore, and a
cutter had gone so near as to be fired upon. The first division of
troops were in the boats, and had rowed off for the shore: we were all
in readiness, and were receiving our ammunition; I had just got mine in
six parcels, of ten cartridges each, when a flag of truce, which we had
seen coming from the harbour, reached the Admiral's ship; and before I
had got the half of the cartridges into my pouch, a signal was made by
the Admiral, for the boats to return, and put the troops on board their
respective ships, the design of landing being relinquished.--We were
struck with the suddenness of the change. The flag of truce returned to
the shore; and a report was spread, that the place had been ransomed by
money; but whether there was any truth in this, or whether any political
concession had been made, can not be known. There was one thing,
however, and possibly it might be the only thing that prevented our
landing; the plague was raging in Cadiz at the time.
I have been somewhat minute in detailing this circumstance; but it has
always appeared to me, a very striking occurrence in Providence; for, in
a very few minutes, the war vessels would have opened their broadsides
upon the troops and batteries on shore; the troops in the boats would
soon have been under the enemy's fire, and probably have effected a
landing; and, if hostilities had once commenced, it is difficult to
tell, but the enterprise might have been pushed, until Cadiz had been
taken, and their fleet of war-ships captured or destroyed, unless the
Spanish force had been too strong for us.
This event once more awakened me, by a sense of apparent danger. The
prospect of having to contend with what troops might be in the field,
and of having to attack fortified places, and the likelihood, that
desperate efforts would be made to gain our purpose, before the
Spaniards should have time to collect a large force in the field, made
me apprehend that the undertaking was one of no ordinary danger. My
conduct on this occasion was similar to what it had been on former
occasions. I prayed for mercy and preservation. I still had no hope for
eternity, but what was to arise out of future reformation of character,
a reformation which was yet to begin. As formerly, I now again resolved
to set about it:--but we left the bay of Cadiz on the 7th, and returned
to Tetuan bay on the 12th, and part of the fleet put into Gibraltar: and
the danger I had dreaded being thus past, the resolution it had excited
was soon departed from.
But another danger of a different kind was at hand. On the 15th, the
north-east wind had risen to a great height, so that our boats, which
had gone with empty casks to get water, were obliged to return to the
ship and leave their casks on shore; and the storm kept increasing as
the evening drew on. At 8 o'clock at night the splice of our cable
slipped, and we began to drift. As we had only one other anchor on
board, which was not sufficient to ride the storm with, we endeavoured
to put to sea. It was at a great risk that we effected this. We were in
the midst of a large fleet, and were every moment in danger of running
foul of one or other of the ships. With difficulty we got the fore-sail,
and some of the stay-sails set, and, although the night was very dark,
by the goodness of God, we got clear out from the fleet, and steered for
Gibraltar. When we came there, as we passed by the stern of the
Admiral's ship, we were ordered to pass through the Straits, and anchor
on the west side of Barbary. We accordingly put about, and passed
through the Straits before the wind, going at the rate of seven miles an
hour, under our bare poles. We had a large flat bottomed boat at our
stern, which the stormy weather did not permit us to hoist on board; and
by day-light in the morning, there was nothing of it remaining but the
keel with the ring-bolt, by which it was towed. Before day-break we had
cleared the Straits of Gibraltar. We then set some sail, and stood off
and on the Barbary coast, until the 17th, when, the weather moderating,
we cast anchor. On the 18th, the weather cleared up, and we perceived a
number of the fleet at anchor to windward of us, nearer the shore, at
about 20 miles distance. We weighed anchor and beat to windward to join
them; but the weather again got squally, and about one o'clock a squall
overtook us, which carried away our main-top, and top gallant, and mizen
top-gallant masts. We shortly after came to anchor near the fleet, and
the weather becoming moderate, in the course of next day, we got our
damages pretty well repaired, and received an additional anchor from the
Ajax man of war. On the 23d we set sail; passed once more through the
Straits of Gibraltar; anchored in Tetuan bay for the third time on the
26th; and after having completed our water, and received some more
provisions, we sailed on the 8th Nov. for Minorca, to get our provisions
and other ship stores completed.
We now began to hear that we were bound for Egypt. At this we were all
very sorry, not knowing when we might return, or who might have the
happiness of seeing their native country again. I had often read and
heard of the dangerous nature of the climate of Egypt and of the
disasters of the French army there by the plague. The prospect now
before us made a strong impression on my mind. I became more serious;
religion began to be more attended to by several, and a party for prayer
and conversation was formed; but I was not one of the number, being too
proud to associate with them.
We made the island of Minorca on the 16th; but the wind being strong and
contrary, we did not get into the harbour until the 21st; and having
obtained what we wanted, we set sail again on the 27th for Malta, where
we arrived on the 6th December. The day we made the island was very
fine, and as Malta was a place of note on various accounts, and amongst
others, as being the place where the apostle Paul suffered shipwreck, I
staid upon deck from the time we came in sight of it, which was in the
morning, until we were anchored in the harbour. As we sailed along the
island, I anxiously looked for the "_place where two seas met_." As we
passed by the small island of Comena, the _creek_ where the apostle says
they thrust in the ship, was easily discerned. It bears now the name of
St. Paul's bay, and the channels between Comena, Goza, and Malta, meet
at it, which marks it as the place which Paul describes.
We left Malta on the 21st, and sailed for Marmorice bay in Asia. In our
voyage, we coasted along the whole length of the south side of the
island of Candia, which is ancient Crete, after which we came to the
isle of Rhodes, which is only about 20 miles distant from the coast of
Asia. I felt a more than usual interest in looking at those places, from
what I had read of them in history, particularly from what is said of
them in the Scriptures. Little did I think, in reading of them when a
boy, that I should one day see them, or that I should do the duty of a
soldier in the land of Egypt.
From Rhodes we steered direct for the opposite coast of Asia, and,
entering into a passage of some length, between two high hills, we
wondered where we were going, for we did not see any place in this
opening fit for ships to lie in, and the land on both sides was rocky
hills, covered with wood, (except where the rocks were completely bare
of soil,) and appeared to be the habitations of wild beasts. When we
arrived very near the head of the inlet, we were surprised to see a ship
that was a little ahead of us, get out of our sight almost in an
instant; but when we had got a little farther, we found a passage which
turned to the right, round a very perpendicular hill, as suddenly as if
it had been the corner of a street. Into this passage we sailed. It was
but short, and in a few minutes we entered into one of the largest and
finest bays, it is said, in the world. Here we cast anchor on the 29th
December, 1800, and lay until the 23d February, 1801, making
arrangements for our attacking the French in Egypt; procuring horses for
the use of the artillery and cavalry: and cutting wood for fuel, and for
making fascines and pallisades in case they should be needed after we
landed. The bay is nearly surrounded with high hills, which, except in
and about the small town of Marmorice, are covered with wood, in general
very thick. There are great numbers of wild beasts in the woods, which
make so much noise in the night time as to be heard over the whole bay.
There was a small plain on one side of the bay, where we pitched tents
for those that were sick; but there was a necessity to have a guard, to
keep on fires in the rear of the tents, during the night; and some
nights the noise of the wild beasts indicated their being so near the
tents, that the sentinels fired to keep them at a distance. Some seamen
belonging to one of the war ships, who were cutting wood at one place,
ventured to stay all night on the shore; they were killed by the wild
beasts before morning.
We were not long in this place until a market was erected on shore, and
vessels from the adjacent coast soon found their way to it, with all
kinds of fruit, and sheep and goats, and other useful articles; so that
that part of the shore assumed the appearance of one of our country
fairs. The soil around the bay is to all appearance fertile; but
cultivation has been on the decline for a long time past, which has
allowed the wood to extend, in several places, to the very shores. At
some distant period the shores seem to have been better peopled, and the
wood to have been farther back. I found the ruins of a house upon the
top of a small eminence, pretty far back in the woods. The walls were
partly standing; trees were growing out of the floor; a plot of ground,
which had been levelled for a garden, still retained its shape, and had
a fine spring of water running through it. Land turtle is in plenty in
the woods.
I shall now return, to state what were the exercises of my mind during
the passage up the Mediterranean, and while we lay in this bay.--A book
upon the first principles of astronomy fell in my way. This gave me a
new view of creation: and at the same time a treatise on Philology came
into my hands, in which was a descant on the glory of God in the works
of nature. I had undergone some very sharp convictions of sin, my mind
had been strongly impressed with eternal things, and I had persuaded two
of my comrades to join with me in prayer; which we did on several
occasions, but fell off from it. After reading the above-mentioned
books, and several volumes of the Spectator, my mind fell into a strange
speculative frame, on the duty of the creature to glorify its Creator,
let the Creator do what he will to the creature. I reasoned thus with
myself:--That every thing that God did was wise and just, therefore it
was our duty to glorify God for all that he did to us, whether it was in
judgment or in mercy: did he deal with us in mercy--gratitude ought to
lead us to glorify him: did he deal with us in judgment--it was our own
sins that provoked him to do it: he did no more than what was just; and
we were as really bound to glorify him for his justice, as for his
mercy; and if we did not do so, we augmented our guilt. By reasoning in
this way, I came at last to a fallacious and very dangerous conclusion,
under the guise of wisdom. I concluded, that if I could not lessen what
guilt was already contracted, neither altogether avoid contracting more,
it would be wise to contract as little additional guilt as possible; and
that, should God deal with me in justice, I must not complain and
murmur; he is holy, just, and wise; he will not punish me above what I
deserve; whatever he does with me, his creature, it becomes me to
glorify his name, by a cheerful acquiescence in his divine procedure;
yea, to glorify Him, should I be for ever damned. By doing this, I may
possibly make hell more tolerable than otherwise it would be: if I can
not escape his justice, by his not granting me mercy, let me behave in
such a manner as may make the consequences of his wrath sit the lighter
upon me.--I shudder to think on this part of my experience at this day;
on the pain of mind with which it was accompanied, and the fallacious
and dangerous opiate which the conclusion contained to lull my
conscience asleep; for I did in consequence fall into a careless and
listless state of mind. But, by the goodness of God, I was not allowed
to remain long under it. It happened one day shortly after, that, from
eating salt provisions, and from the extreme scantiness of water, I
became exceedingly thirsty, and with great difficulty procured a little
to drink. A thought then shot across my mind:--if I am so impatient
under a temporary thirst, and so eager to procure relief, how shall I
preserve my patience in hell?--if I am so unhappy under the pressure of
so trivial a circumstance, how much more unhappy shall I be, if I be
cast into everlasting burnings, where I shall not have one drop of water
to cool my tongue! This broke the delusion, but it did not eradicate it.
An infectious fever broke out among us. It was at first slow in its
progress, but after a short time it began to infect numbers. Our
condition on board the Stately contributed towards it; for we had no
hammocks, nor beds, but only our camp blankets to sleep in; we lay upon
the under deck, and, when the weather was stormy, so much water leaked
in by the edges of the ports, as made the lee side of the ship very wet.
When she tacked, the water that was lying in the lee side would then run
across the whole deck; and although we dried it the best way we could,
yet we were so crowded that we were often under the necessity of lying
down upon the damp deck. This was hurtful to us, causing us to feel
stiff, and our bones sore; and although it did not _produce_ the fever,
(for it was introduced by some recruits who came on board at Malta,) it
was, in my opinion, one cause of its spreading so rapidly at last.
I caught this fever at the time it began to spread, and it was pretty
severe upon me. I got better, and relapsed, and the second turn of it
was worse than the first.[5] While under it I had time to consider
myself more fully. My present condition was so painful, that I would
have done all in my power, and given all I could possess, to be free
from it; and yet with my most sanguine hopes, I could not expect hell to
be one half so tolerable. What, thought I, is the glory of God to me as
a creature? If that same glory only renders me miserable, will the
misery of my condition if I am sent to hell, be in any measure
alleviated, by the consideration, that the justice of God is glorified
by my condemnation? It is true, I shall not cease to exist; but what
pleasure can I have in my existence, unless I reap some benefit by it,
by having some portion of happiness in it? If I am made completely
miserable, and have no prospect of any portion of happiness for the
future, my existence must prove my greatest misery. He who knows all
things has said, "Good were it for that man, if he had never been born."
If the justice of God dooms me to suffer for my sins, woe is me! I now
exist, and I can not annihilate myself; nor can I fly from God's
justice. I am a sinner, and if I receive not mercy, I must be for ever
miserable! How awful is his justice! How great is his power! How daring
and delusive the thought of hoping to find any portion of happiness in
that place, where he has declared all is perfect misery; where nothing
dwells but the terrors of the Almighty; where the subjects of his
justice are a terror to themselves, and to each other; where there is
nothing but weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!
As I began to recover, I turned my thoughts more closely than before, to
those places of Scripture which describe hell, the place of torment. I
examined what the Scripture has said of its awful nature; that it is "a
fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God;"--for "who
knoweth the power of his anger?" and "our God is a consuming fire." I
found, also, that the Scripture evidence of its being endless in its
duration, was as conclusive as that of the endless duration of the
happiness of heaven. He who said that the one was eternal, said the same
of the other. But, when contemplating this awful subject, I was at times
tempted to think, "It may be, that although God has said so, he may not
intend to execute his dreadful threatening to the full extent: there may
be a future period, in which he will extend mercy to his creatures, but
which he has kept hid from them, for wise purposes, that they might not
presume on his mercy, and spend their present lives in sin, and not
repent in this world, because there would be an opportunity to repent in
the next."--But this reasoning did not long deceive me; for I continued
to ponder the subject, and I saw that such a notion did not consist with
the veracity of God. He could not say one thing, while he intended
another; if I admitted that he said one thing and intended another, with
respect to the duration of punishment in hell, it would, with equal
consistency, apply to what he said of the endless happiness of heaven,
and so render uncertain any hope that might be built upon the promise of
it; and if the principle were in one case admitted, it would throw loose
all his promises and threatenings, respecting both this world and the
next; for we should still have room to think, God has said so, but he
does not mean so.--I also reflected, if God has said, that the
punishment of hell shall be eternal, and has a secret purpose of mercy
at some distant period, if this is a secret of his own, how can any one
know it? If he has not told it, how is it possible for any one to find
out that which God intends should be secret? Reflection upon this idea,
put an end to the speculation, as being a gross absurdity. I also
reflected on the nature of sin;--I said to myself, "Supposing I were
cast into hell for the sins of my present life, would I cease to commit
sin when there? and if I did what was in itself sinful in hell, would
the torments of the place excuse it? would the justice of God take no
cognisance of what I did there?" This was a piercing exercise to my
mind: but it was salutary; and I believe I was indebted to what I had
read in Boston's Fourfold State for it, although I was not aware of it
at the time. I answered the above queries in this way: If, when I am in
a state of partial sufferings here, I am not able to suffer without
being at least impatient and fretful, if I do not actually complain and
murmur--how can I expect to behave any better in hell? My present
sufferings do not excuse the sins I commit under them; I shall then, as
well as now, be a subject of the justice of God; and when I shall be
suffering for past sins, that will be no excuse for the commission of
new ones; if I am to make the debt of sin less by suffering for it, I
must not contract more debt at the time I am paying the old; for if I
do, I shall continue to be a debtor; and as long as I continue to commit
sin, I must continue to suffer for it, for the claims of Divine justice
are indispensable. Following out these reflections put a complete end to
all speculation, of the probability, or possibility, of ever finding any
portion of happiness, if I did not obtain the pardon of my sins, and
deliverance from sin itself, before I left this world, and appeared in
the presence of God.--These speculations show that my mind was ready to
catch at any thing, that appeared to furnish the least hope, however
delusive it might be; for when I looked forward to eternity, not having
the confidence that arises from faith in the Lord Jesus, as an
all-sufficient Saviour, and not discerning the doctrine of his complete
atonement and justifying righteousness, I was glad to lay hold of any
thing that appeared to afford the smallest glimpse of hope, rather than
be without hope altogether.
Having, by the goodness of God, recovered from the fever, the effect of
it was to make me resolve once more to devote myself to his service.
Gratitude for his mercy in my recovery induced me to do this; and I
hoped for better success in my endeavours than heretofore: but alas! it
was not long before my conscience found matter of accusation against me;
and this threw me as far back as ever. I searched for a reason why I
failed in my attempts to serve God; but I did not find the true one. I
began to lay the blame on the example and conversation of my comrades;
and would fain have palliated the evil of my conduct on this ground, and
flattered myself that God would therefore be the less strict with me.
But then I reflected, that it would be a pernicious and fatal delusion
for me, to flatter myself with any thing that would not stand the test
of his judgment seat. I found no toleration for sin, in any situation,
in the word of God; and my conscience charged me, not only with wilful
sins, for which I could devise no excuse, but also with loving sin
itself, which God hateth. Yet, as experience had taught me that one
thing led to another, I determined to keep myself as much as possible
out of the company of the profligate, and profane, and loose talkers,
and to keep my mind as constantly fixed as possible on serious subjects.
I set heaven with all its charms before my mind, as the object to be
gained, and hell with all its terrors, as the object to be escaped. I
contrasted time with eternity, and said to myself, Surely eternity is of
such vast importance, as to be worth all the sufferings that can be
endured, and all the exertions that can be made, in the narrow bounds of
human life. I again set out in a new course of obedience, resolved to
watch all the avenues to temptation; and, under the influence of this
resolution, I avoided, as much as I could, in my present situation,
those whose conversation I wished to shun; but it was impossible to be
always out of the hearing of it;--all I could do, was not to mingle in
converse with them; and I have frequently stopped my ears with my
fingers, that I might not hear licentious and profane talk, when I knew
it was going on: but I could not do this on every occasion, and when I
did get it done, it gave me a proof of the deceitfulness of my own
heart; for evil thoughts and sinful desires would spring up in it even
at the time when I was stopping my ears, that I might not hear the
wicked conversation of others. To this, however, I was not sufficiently
attentive, but laid the blame, in some shape or other, on the
temptations with which I was surrounded, as being, either directly or
indirectly, the cause why I was not able to keep my own heart. This led
me to despair of my ever being able to serve God aright, and obtain his
favour by keeping his commandments while I remained in the army. I
therefore began to wish I were free of it, and placed in a situation
where I should have it in my power to enjoy solitude, and keep out of
the way of temptation. I thought that of a hermit a very favourable one;
not that I wished to be a hermit altogether, but I fancied if I were
only in a situation in which I could keep myself, in a great measure,
secluded from the world, and give myself to reading, meditation, and
devotion, I should then serve God in a perfect manner. Here again I
began to reflect--What if God cuts me off for my sins while I am in the
army? What shall become of me? Have I any hope if I should die, or be
slain, while in the army? To this perplexing question I could give no
answer; all I could do, was to pray to God to spare my life, to deliver
me from the army, and to bring me into a situation in which I should
have it in my power to serve him. But my mind soon misgave me, and led
me to suspect that this was not right; and on examining it, I became
convinced that I was equally bound to serve God in my present situation
as in any other. Our Lord's answer to Paul's prayer, "My grace is
sufficient for thee," and many other promises of God to his people came
into my mind; and, although I did not understand them aright, yet they
convinced me that my situation would not be an excuse for my sins; they
convinced me, that if I was one of God's children, his grace would be
sufficient to enable me to serve him acceptably, whatever situation his
providence might allot me. But knowing, at the same time, that bad
company had a great effect in confirming evil habits, I still thought,
that were I but free of the army, I should have a great deal less to
struggle with. Before I was free of the army, however, experience
convinced me that solitude was no antidote to a deceitful heart; for in
the solitary hours of night, while watching and on guard, and during the
sleepless nights passed in the hospital, I found abundance of sinful
thoughts and desires arise in my heart.
I next went to the opposite extreme, and imagined a state of unremitting
activity was the best. I thought that were I discharged and at home, I
should then enjoy the means of grace on the Sabbath; that my work would
occupy my mind the greater part of my time through the week; and that I
should then have it in my power so to regulate my conduct, as to take up
my whole attention between lawful and serious things, and thus leave no
vacant room in my mind for evil thoughts, or what might lead me to the
commission of sin.
Under these exercises of mind I continued until the time when we left
Marmorice Bay, which was on the 23d February, 1801, when the fleet
weighed anchor, and were all safely collected upon the coast, outside of
the bay, before sun-set, and then steered their course for Egypt. A
Turkish Admiral, with two or three frigates, had joined the fleet. A
number of Greek vessels also were with us, which had been hired to
transport the horses that had been procured at Marmorice, for the use of
the artillery, cavalry, and field officers. The wind was brisk, but the
evening was fine, and as our fleet consisted of near two hundred sail,
many of which were large and elegant ships, it had a grand and
interesting appearance. This interest was heightened by the
consideration of the sea, and the coast, that we were sailing on, for
the celebrated island of Rhodes was on our right, and the coast of Asia
Minor on our left. The various nations on board of this fleet, as seamen
and soldiers, was novel and striking, for there were Turks, Greeks, and
English, with Corsicans, and a brigade of soldiers in our service,
composed of men from various parts of Germany, but the part that the
soldier was destined to act in the enterprise before us, was to him the
most interesting contemplation, for his personal safety was the most
deeply involved in the undertaking. The wind continued to freshen, and
"the fleet had not stood long on its course before one of the Greek
vessels, laden with mules, foundered, and one man alone was saved." The
Turkish frigates and Greek vessels left us, and took shelter in the
nearest ports. The weather was not what we considered bad, but they were
not good navigators: their departure, however, was a serious loss to the
army, for the want of the horses on board of them. The weather became
moderate, and on the 28th we fell in with our squadron that was
blockading Alexandria, and on the 1st March discovered land somewhat to
the westward of that place. The wind had been light through the day, but
freshened during the night, and there were heavy showers of rain. This
made the soldiers remark, that if there was no rain in Egypt, there was
rain very near it; some who were of a deistical turn began to insinuate
that the Bible had not given a correct account of Egypt; and the
apparent contradiction made some of us rather at a loss to reconcile it.
During the course of conversation on this subject, I heard one observe,
that the Bible did not say directly that there never was any rain in
Egypt, but that when it spoke of there being no rain there, it referred
to the agriculture of Egypt, not depending, like that of other
countries, upon rain, but upon the annual inundations of the Nile.[6]
This is the fact; but it is also true, that although during the winter
season there are thunder storms and rain on the sea-coast, yet these
seldom go far into the country, and at Grand Cairo rain is a great
rarity. After the regiment had been at that city and returned, and after
we left Egypt, having staid in it six months, I never heard any one urge
the objection any more. All agreed that the scripture account of Egypt
was as true as general expressions could describe it; so that this, like
many other infidel objections, was founded on an apparent, not a real
contradiction. The universal remark upon the country was, that they
believed a remnant of the plagues of Moses still existed in it.
Footnote 5:
There were few of the regiment that escaped it; all relapsed after the
first recovery, and those who were longest of catching the infection
were worst.
Footnote 6:
Zech. xiv. 18. Deut. xi. 10, and connexion.