THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE
According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom
handed down to us by our First Parents.
Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the
psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous
organism.
In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural
geographical latitude.
This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in
which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to
differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their
proper geographical environment.
(_See Moral Map of the World._)
* * * * *
PART II
THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH
The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English
speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.
The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the
British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.
The rest are just Foreign Countries.
CHAPTER XVIII
THE POLES
The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and
South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.
This chapter is about the North Pole.
The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.
It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.
Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving
colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.
The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is
English.
The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of
Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the
language of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the
footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.
[Illustration: Map of THE ARCTIC OCEAN OR THE WHITE SEA]
Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the
present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.
The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers,
Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a
well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.
[Illustration: THE MAGNETIC POLE]
So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by
the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so
successful as an advertising medium.
[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN NEW YORK]
[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PHILADELPHIA]
CHAPTER XIX
AMERICA
[Illustration]
Let us see America first.
On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as
the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.
One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!
But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared
about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England,
you will understand that discovering America in those days was no
child's play.
Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.
How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less
what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!
[Illustration: EARLY MAP OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE]
After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a
conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.
No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they
meant.
And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so
runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.
America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.
Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to
the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a
magazine article on his Impressions of America.
[Illustration]
A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is
easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named
Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole
continent in his own name.
By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of
America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the
horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.
And still they come--and though it is too late to secure a copyright on
the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of
America.
[Illustration: THE MAYFLOWER]
CHAPTER XX
BOSTON
[Illustration: BOSTON _And Vicinity_]
In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously
discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in
Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and
Ancestors.
Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the
manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and
canine).
BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.
BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.
[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN BOSTON]
The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as
_"The home of the Bean and the Cod_
_Where Lowells speak only to Cabots_
_And Cabots speak only to God."_
Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet
named Ibid, but what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors?
Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well
repay a visit.
Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither
are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.
CHAPTER XXI
THE UNITED STATES
The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely
surrounded by Trusts.
It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful,
nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.
[Illustration]
When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a
cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.
So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they
are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market
price.
To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and
Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I.
Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.
At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been
destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere
long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious
Tobac----*
* We fail to see what this has
to do with Geography.
_The Reader._
[Illustration: A PILGRIM LANDING]
Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry
country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by
Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population
consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are
Americans.
[Illustration: THE ORIGINAL STRAPHANGERS]
[Illustration]
Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless
show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.
A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they
may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from
strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.
The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale
Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.
[Illustration]
The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim
Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of
the fashions for future use.
The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers
have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly
exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.
[Illustration]
Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no
perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that
the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.
In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers.
Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius
than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and
night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse
and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.
[Illustration]
Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once
popular favourite.
People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.
The Capitol of the United States is Washington--named after a famous
Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat
German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.
New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains
over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages
besides English.
* * *
The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
[Illustration: UNCLE SAM'S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART
1 Thirst 23 Aquasity
2 Self-effacement 24}
3 Calculation 25} Prairifulness
4 Providence 26 Plainness
5 Love of the Almighty ($) 27 Incredulity
6 Justice 28 Animosity
7 Somnolence 29 Nebraskability
8 Love of Peaches 30 Love of Freedom
9 Pride of Race 31 Modesty
10 Nicotianity 32 Oregonality
11 Love of Camp-meetings 33 Furbearance
12 Fruitfulness 34 Argentility
13 Coonfulness 35 Pique
14 Colour 36 Breadth
15 Levity 37 Presence of Mine
16 Illicit Spirituality 38 Gamefulness
17 Love of Travel 39 Conjugality
18 Size 40 Cowboyishness
19 Bashfulness 41 Sheepishness
20 Scribosity 42 Reserve
21 Armorousness 43 Reciprocity]
22 Horse Sense
CHAPTER XXII
CANADA
Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America
not ruled by the Irish.
[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers
who wished to retire from private life.
It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from
thirst.
Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still
more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best
of friends.
For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or
a policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border line
between the two countries.
Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, "severed home ties"; she is
perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a
latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able
to understand "why girls leave home."
Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so
much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any
musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a "sister
turn."
* * *
The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XXIII
GREAT BRITAIN
If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of
Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of
Idaho.
[Illustration: THE PLANET JUPITER
(from a photograph)]
But a Country must not be judged by its size.
The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours,
and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not
a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and
somewhat spotty.
This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of
one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United
States.
[Illustration: THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING UNION
_From poster by James Montgomery Flagg._]
The English People, or (if one _must_ be accurate) the British, are the
most to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable
when they are tired of going _to and fro_ they reverse the process and
go _fro and to_.
_With Bibles and Bathtubs_
_And Ballots and Beer_
_And Hope and Hygienics_
_They girdle the Sphere._
[Illustration: THE PRUDENTIAL HAS THE STRENGTH OF GIBRALTAR]
In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government
which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the
British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the
earth.
The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the
United States, compared to champagne.
London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence
of Sky-Scrapers.
London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era,
Respectability.
For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris,
Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take their
degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).
This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the
French motto of British respectability (_Honi soit qui mal y pense_)
done into English.
The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and
Barometers.
* * *
The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XXIV
SCOTLAND
A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.
[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of
the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of
all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.
The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and
joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.
Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny)
Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from "Bonnet," the national
headgear.
The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.
* * *
The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XXV
IRELAND
[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
[Illustration]
Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose
cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at
once.
The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and
Emigrants to the United States.
They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster
and an Itinerant President.
[Illustration: SCENE IN IRISH HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT]
The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the
Serpent who tempted Eve (from the "way he had with the women") was one
of these Absentee snakes.
Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St.
Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, "_more savage than the Britons,
feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to
devour their deceased fathers_."
Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the
national beverage.
The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,[A]
Poteen and Bernard Shaw.
[A] The term _Patriot_ is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a
patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.
* * *
The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
[Illustration: THE GIDDY GLOBE CONSOLING IRELAND]
CHAPTER XXVI
WALES
[Illustration]
_See the Welsh Rabbit--he is bred on cheese;_
_(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please)._
_Although he's tough, he looks so mild, who'd think_
_That a strong man from this small beast would shrink?_
_Carolyn Wells._
Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in
which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese,
Celtic and Chocktaw, is _barred_ from the concert and operatic stage.
The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of
Wales and Lloyd George.
The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of
Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor
in keeping the world awake.
Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing
dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world
awake.
Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the
footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long
after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!
The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:
_"Hurray!" cried the Kitten,_
_"Hurray!"_
_As he merrily set the sails,_
_"I sail o'er the ocean_
_today, today,_
_To look at the Prince of Wales!"_
_"Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!_
_And think of the angry gales!"_
_"Ah, yes," cried the Kitten, "but think!_
_Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!"_
_"But, Kitten," I cried, dismayed,_
_"If you live through the angry gales_
_You know you will be afraid_
_To look at the Prince of Wales!"_
_Said the Kitten, "No such thing!_
_Why should he make me wince?_
_If a Cat may look at a King,_
_A Kitten may look at a Prince!"_
* * * * *
PART III
FOREIGN COUNTRIES
CHAPTER XXVII
SOUTH AMERICA
From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of
North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of
matrimony.
[Illustration: SOUTH AMERICAN WILD HORSE
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
They were seemingly inseparable.
The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this
long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De
Lesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa)
attempted to bring about a separation.
The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight
years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.
Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all
obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans,
started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De
Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and
the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously
celebrated.
The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever
and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to
spend an evening with the Pacific.
CHAPTER XXVIII
HOLLAND
[Illustration]
The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch
cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a
strap.
In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the
cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks
of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.
The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are
kept busy posing for the landscape painters.
Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted
everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some
useful task.
And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom,
is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and
railroads.
The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace
Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss
the Economics of War.
_Firstly_, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least
possible damage to Vested Interests.
_Secondly_, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while
putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the
possibility of repair for use in another War.
Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is
dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in
Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.
* * *
The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
CHAPTER XXIX
BELGIUM
Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic
flavour.
Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of
Belgium is the modern Horatius who
_" ... facing fearful odds,_
_For the ashes of his fathers_
_And the temples of his Gods,"_
kept "the bridge" in the brave days of 1914.
Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown
of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and
besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.
When Julius Caesar described the Belgians as the "Bravest of all the
Gauls" he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.
* * *
The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and if they hadn't "kept the bridge" the World War could
never have been won.
[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PARIS]
CHAPTER XXX
FRANCE
[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France
is Paris.
Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for
its gaiety.
The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green,
Parasols and Pate de fois gras.*
* Alliteration is the thief of accuracy!
_Pate de fois gras_ is the product
of Strasburg.
_The Reader._
The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France,
and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now
French.
Paris is divided into two parts--
I. Paris Proper.
Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and
the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.
There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and
statues.
II. Paris Improper.
.............................................................
.............................................................
.............................................................
(See Appendix.)
* * *
The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
CHAPTER XXXI
GERMANY
_THIS SPACE TO LET_
[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs.
Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented
for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other
popular Ism that may apply.
CHAPTER XXXII
SWITZERLAND
Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers,
and Heroes.
The Swiss are an Artless people.
"What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition,
and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one
(Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock
that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained
in its box."
_Whistler._
* * *
The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people
in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the
World War.
CHAPTER XXXIII
MONACO
[Illustration]
Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.
Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to
spin.
* * *
The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
CHAPTER XXXIV
TURKEY
[Illustration]
When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this)
shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite,
fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the "_ ... last
scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history._"
All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has
mentally reserved for himself.
Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia
and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.
The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting
each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there
won't be any slices!
_You may burn, you may shatter_
_The Turk if you will,_
_He will rise from his ashes_
_And roost with you still._
He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phoenix Bird.
Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless
people; they have many wives.
* * *
The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the
World War.
[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PETROGRAD]
CHAPTER XXXV
RUSSIA
Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe.
Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a
Superczar named Lenine.
The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the
Steppes.
The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do
with those of the Russian Dancers.
At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to
the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only--and easy at
that!
Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice
and Press Dispatches.
Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there has
never been such an enorm----*
* Why go on about Russia?
_The Reader._
Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.
[Illustration: Map of THE BLACK SEA]
We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.
Watch your Steppe!
CHAPTER XXXVI
NORWAY AND SWEDEN
It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country
couple--or couple of countries--it would be hard to meet anywhere, and
so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy
of the world?
And everybody knows what Propinquity does.
It is Cupid's middle name; what more natural than that they should get
married?
Haven't you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married
in Vienna in 1815, and--well, you know Propinquity is the Devil's middle
name, too--they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only
ninety years!
What could have been the trouble?
Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it
was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu--
Pjkled Ojsters
Bjsque of Snajls
Frjed Fjsh
Natjve Wjne
Qujnce Jce-cream
Onjons and Bjsqujts
It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it
has what the average theatre-goer calls "atmosphere."
[Illustration]
_I once drew Ibsen, looking bored_
_Across a deep Norwegian Fjord,_
_And very nearly everyone_
_Mistook him for the Midnight Sun._
Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the
stagey, Drama.
James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great
and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway "The Land of the
Midnight Whiskers."
* * *
The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic
People in the World, and they won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXVII
AFRICA
"The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.
Africa is the richest "jack-pot" in the game of territorial "freeze-out"
played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold,
ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the
limit.
[Illustration: AN ELEPHANT
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning
of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still
in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has
dropped out.
[Illustration: A LION
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as "the
fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar
animals; of lions also and panthers." He does not mention the
Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal
inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being
bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving
transportation from their native jungle.
[Illustration]
_Children, behold the Chimpanzee!_
_He sits on the ancestral tree_
_From which we sprang in ages gone,_
_I'm glad we sprang--had we held on_
_We might, for all that I can say,_
_Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day._
* * *
The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World,
and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXVIII
ARABIA
[Illustration: A Camel
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.
"The Camel may be likened to
A desert ship. (This is not new.)
He is a most ungainly craft,
With frowning turrets fore and aft
We little realize on earth,
How much we owe to his great girth,
For should he ever shrink so small
As through the needle's eye to crawl,
Rich men might climb the golden stairs
And so leave nothing to their heirs."
The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to
resemble the motion of a ship.
[Illustration: A BEDOUIN / A FOLDING-BEDOUIN]
To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not
quite so bad as a motor bus.
The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds
or water in any form.
He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.
The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to be
related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.
* * *
The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World,
and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXIX
AUSTRALIA
Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons,
should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the
twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the
twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.
[Illustration]
The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in
eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus
Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines
My child, the Duck-billed Platypus
A sad example sets for us.
From him we learn how indecision
Of character provokes derision.
This vacillating beast, you see,
Could not decide which he would be--
Fish, flesh or fowl--and chose all three.
The scientists were sorely vexed,
To classify him so perplexed
Their brains that they with rage at bay
Called him a horrid name one day,
A name that baffles, frights and shocks us
Ornithorynchus Paradoxus.
* * *
The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XL
CHINA
[Illustration]
China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive
flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.
The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little
flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to
cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.
The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is
the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to the
ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything
she possesses.
Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee
Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation
wants a door that opens only outwards.
At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a
Revolving Door as a compromise.
A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report
on Revolving Doors.
The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.
* * *
The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
War.
CHAPTER XLI
JAPAN
[Illustration: (Japanese text)]
TRANSLATION
The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the
World War.
CHAPTER XLII
EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC.
[Illustration]
No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of
these six (counting, etc.) countries.
If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important
countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.
Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a
journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and
shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of
countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you always
find that you have left out at least several of the most important
things.
No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six
such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can
be.
The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a
row and see which you can get along best without; you can't possibly
spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little
countries together would----*
* You are digressing again,
worse than ever! This thing
has got to stop!
_The Reader._
Oh, very well! If that's the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop
right here.
[Illustration: THE END]
* * * * *
EPILOGUE
_If this little world to-night_
_Suddenly should fall thro' space_
_In a hissing, headlong flight_
_Shrivelling from off its face,_
_As it falls into the sun,_
_In an instant every trace_
_Of the little crawling things--_
_Ants, philosophers, and lice,_
_Cattle, cockroaches, and kings,_
_Beggars, millionaires, and mice,_
_Men and maggots all as one_
_As it falls into the sun--_
_Who can say but at the same_
_Instant from some planet far_
_A child may watch us and exclaim:_
_"See the pretty shooting star!"_
APPENDIX
_See next page._
THE APPENDIX
_has been removed._