In the good County of Scotland, in the State of Missouri, back
in the ante-bellum days there lived one Solomon Davis, whose chronic
horror was card-playing. The evils of this life were in his judgment
largely to be attributed to this terrible habit. It was his belief
that if the Grand Jury would only take hold of the matter in the
right spirit, a stop could be put to the "nefarious habit of
_card-playing,_ which was ruining the morals of so many young men in
Scotland County." This was the burden of his discourse in and out
of season. His ardent desire that he himself should be called
on the Grand Jury to the accomplishment of the end mentioned was
at length gratified. At a certain term of court he was not only
summoned upon the Grand Jury, but duly appointed its foreman.
Upon the adjournment of court for dinner, immediately thereafter, one
Ben Mason, the wit of the bar,--and not himself wholly _unacquainted_
with the pastime that involved spades, kings, and even queens,--
ardently congratulated the new foreman upon his appointment, assuring
him that now his opportunity had come to put to an end, by the
omnipotent power of the Grand Jury, "to the nefarious habit of
card-playing which was ruining the morals of so many young men in
Scotland County."
"And now, Squire," continued Ben, "I can give you the name of a
gentleman who doesn't play himself, but is always around where
playing is going on, and he can tell you who plays, where they
play, how much is bet, and all about it."
Delighted at this apparently providential revelation, the Squire
had a subpoena forthwith issued for the witness mentioned, one
Ranzey Sniffle, a half-witted fellow who had never taken or expected
to take a part in the game himself, but whose cup of happiness was
full to the brim when, in return for punching up the fires, mixing
the drinks, and snuffing the candle, he was permitted _to see
the play actually going on._
Trembling with apprehension at the dread summons to appear before the
"Grand Inquest"--if it had been three centuries earlier at Saragossa
it could scarcely have appeared more alarming--the witness was
ushered into the immediate presence of the awful tribunal over
which Squire Davis was now presiding. After taking the customary oath,
and telling his name, age, and where he lived, Mr. Sniffle was
questioned by the foreman as to his personal knowledge of any game
or games of cards being played for money, or any valuable thing,
within one year last past, within the said County of Scotland, and
solemnly warned, if he had any such knowledge, to proceed in his
own way, and tell all about it; to tell when and where it was, _who
were present,_ and what amount, if any, was bet.
Recovering himself a little by this time, the witness began:
"The last time I seed them playin', Squire, was at Levi Myers's
sto'; they sot in about sundown last Saturday night, and never
loosened their grip until Monday mornin' about daylight."
"Now, Mr. Sniffle," interrupted the Squire with great dignity,
"will you proceed in your own way, to give to the gentlemen of this
Grand Jury _the names_ of the persons who were thus engaged not
only in violating the statute law of Missouri, but in violating
the law of God by desecrating the holy Sabbath?"
"Well, Squire," continued the witness, slowly counting off on
his fingers, "thar was Levi Myers, Sammy Hocum, Moss Johnson, Josiah
Davis,"--"Suspend, Mr. Sniffle, _suspend,"_ commanded the Squire
with great indignation, and turning to his official associates, he
continued, "I am aware, gentlemen of the Grand Jury, that my son
Josiah is sometimes present when cards are being played, but he
assures me on his honor as a gentleman, that he never _takes part,_
and doesn't even know one card from another. Now, Mr. Witness, do
you undertake, under the solemn sanction of an oath, to say that
my son Josiah was _engaged_ in the game? By the way, Mr. Sniffle,
do you understand the nature of an oath?"
"No, Squire," slowly replied the witness, "I dun know as I do."
"Don't you know _what will become of you,_ Ranze, if you swear to a
lie?" quickly asked a juryman from a back seat.
"Yas, in course, if I swar to a lie, they'll send me to the
penitentiary, and then I'll go to hell afterwards," replied Mr.
Sniffle.
The _competency_ of the witness thus appearing, the foreman
proceeded:
"Now, Mr. Sniffle, do you, under the solemn sanction of an oath,
undertake to say that my son Josiah was _engaged_ in that game?"
"I dun know as I adzackly understand the meanin' of bein' engaged in
the game; but I seed Josiah a-dealin' the papes, when his time come
to fling a card he flung it, and uv'ry now and then, _he rech
out and drug in the chicerokum._ I dun know as I adzackly understand
'bout bein' engaged in the game, but if _that_ were bein' engaged,
then Josiah were _engaged!"_