_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War,
Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next
one."
* * *
"That's Betty Grant's new maid."
"She's much smarter than her mistress."
"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."
* * *
_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for
years!"
_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."
* * *
_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as
far away as you possibly can."
* * *
_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."
_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."
* * *
_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"
_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."
* * *
_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom
_must_ come to his wedding."
* * *
_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."
_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."
* * *
_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green
lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."
_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"
_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."
* * *
"Can you play bridge to-night?"
"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."
"What--do you like the stuff?"
"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very
much better than it sounds."
* * *
_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.
Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"
_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."
* * *
_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these
incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every
week."
_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find
names for them all?"
* * *
_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I
hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."
* * *
_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your
hand?"
_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."
* * *
_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed
of yourself?"
_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I
am."
* * *