landslide. Tucson Jennie approves of her--with reeservations, of
course, in favor of little Enright Peets; Missis Rucker finds time to
snatch a few moments, between feedin' us an' bossin' Rucker, to go see
her every day; while, as for Nell, she's in an' out of Texas' 'doby
mornin', noon an' night to sech extents that half the time Cherokee
ain't got no lookout, an' when he has it's Boggs.
[Illustration: "HIM AN' ANNALINDA SHORE DO CONSTITOOTE A PICTURE. 'THAR'S
A PA'R TO DRAW TO,' SAYS NELL TO TEXAS, HER EYES LIKE BROWN DIAMONDS."
p. 281.]
"Nell brings over little Enright Peets, an' thar's no backin' away
from it him an' Annalinda shore do constitoote a picture.
"'Thar's a pa'r to draw to!' says Nell to Texas, her eyes like
diamonds.
"Bein' romantic, like all girls, an' full of fancies that a-way, Nell
indulges in playful specyoolations about Annalinda an' little Enright
Peets gettin' married later on. Not that she intends anything,
although Texas takes it plenty serious, which shows how his egotism is
already workin' overtime.
"When Monte puts up them groans about how Texas is changed, we-all
lays it to the complainin' habit which, on account of whiskey mebby,
has got to be second nacher with him. He's always kickin' about
something; an' so, nacherally, when he onbosoms himse'f of that howl
about Texas, we don't pay no speshul heed. It ain't three days,
however, before it begins to break on us that for once Monte's right.
Texas has certainly changed. Thar's a sooperior manner, what you'd
call a loftiness, about him, which is hard to onderstand an' harder
to put up with. It gets to be his habit constant to reemark in a
wearied way, as he slops out his drinks, that we-all'll have to
excoose him talkin' to us much, because he's got cares on his mind,
besides bein' played out on account of settin' up all night with
Annalinda.
"'Which she's sheddin' her milk teeth,' he'd say, 'an' it makes her
petyoolant.'
"After which he'd turn away in dignified tol'ration, same as if we're
too low an' dull to a'preeciate what he has to b'ar.
"Or, ag'in--an' always before the draw--he'd throw down his hand in a
poker game, an' scramble to his feet, sayin':
"'Heavens! I forgets about that Annalinda child!'
"An' with that he'd go skallyhootin' off into space, leavin' us
planted thar with a misdeal on our hands, an' each one of us holdin'
mebby better than aces-up, an' feelin' shore we could have filled.
It's nothin' less'n awful the way he acts; an' that we lets him get
away with it exhibits them sentiments of Christian charity which
permeates our breasts.
"Thar's the way, too, he goes hectorin' at Boggs! Two occasions in
partic'lar I reecalls; an' it's only Boggs' forbearance that
hostil'ties don't ensoo. One time when Annalinda's out for a walk with
her two old black mammies Boggs crosses up with the outfit an' kisses
Annalinda. Wharupon Texas yells out from across the street, like he's
been bit by a rattlesnake:
"'Don't do that, Dan! You'll mebby give her something. In Mother
Shrewsbury's "What Ails Babies and Why" it's laid down emphatic that
you mustn't kiss 'em.'
"'But you kisses her,' retorts Boggs.
"'Me? But I'm her uncle. Besides, I only kisses her hands. Which I'll
permit you-all to kiss her hands, Dan, if that'll do you. Only don't
you go to overplay it none. Don't forget that hands is the limit, an'
it's thar whar you gets off.'
"'Which I ain't none shore,' says Boggs, who's some hurt, as he's
talkin' the thing over with Enright an' Cherokee in the Red
Light--'which I ain't none shore but Texas is right; only he oughtn't
to throw out them rooles of health of his so plumb offensive. You'd
have reckoned from the row he makes I'm eatin' Annalinda.'
"Another time Boggs gives Annalinda his six-shooter to play with, she
havin' deemanded it with screams. Texas comes steamin' up.
"'Dan,' he cries, grabbin' the weepon from Annalinda, 'sometimes I
asks myse'f in all ser'ousness be you got common sense! Is this yere a
snare you're settin' for this innocent child? Do you-all want her to
blow her head plumb off?'
"'But, Texas,' Boggs expostyoolates, 'thar ain't a chance. How's
she goin' to cock that gun, an' the mainspring fifteen pounds
resistance?'
"'But she might drop it.'
"'Which, if she does, it can't go off none; I sets the hammer between
two shells on purpose.'
"'Whoever's bringin' up this yere baby, you or me?' Texas deemands, as
he tosses Boggs his gun. 'Please don't pass her no more artillery. If
it's got to whar her existence is goin' to be a failure onless she's
foolin' with a gun, I as her uncle preefers to furnish said hardware
myse'f.'
"Shore, Boggs stands it, it's so evident Texas is onhinged.
"'An' if you look at it straight it ain't no wonder, neither,' says
Boggs, who's mighty forgivin' that a-way. 'It's apples to ashes if you
was to suddenly up an' enrich any of us with a niece like Annalinda,
we-all in goin' crazy over her 'd give Texas kyards an' spades.'
"Texas, who's always readin' medicine books, likes to go bulgin'
'round eloocidatin' about measles an' scarlet fever an' whoopin'
cough, an' what other maladies is allers layin' in wait to bushwhack
infancy. At sech moments he's plenty speecious an' foxy, so's to trap
us into deebates with him. Mebby it'll be about the mumps, an' what's
to be done; an' then, after he gets us goin', he'll r'ar back the
actchooal image of insult an' floor us with 'Mother Shrewsbury.' It
ain't no overstatin' a sityooation to say he pursoos these yere
tactics ontil he's the admitted pest of the camp, an' thar ain't one
of us but would sooner see a passel of Apaches comin' than him. He
can't confab two minutes about Annalinda but he grows so insultin' you
simply has to hold onto your manhood by the scruff of the neck not to
go for him.
"Even Enright ain't exempt. It comes out casyooally one evenin', as
Texas goes layin' down the law about how he's r'arin' Annalinda, that
Enright's mother was wont to sooth an' engage his infantile hours with
a sugar-rag an' a string of spools. Which you should have shore seen
Texas look at him! Not with reespect, mind you; not like he's heard
anything worth while or interestin'. But like he's sayin' to himse'f,
'An' you sets thar offerin' yourse'f as a argyooment in favor of
sugar-rags an' strings of spools! On the back of sech a warnin' you
don't figger none I'll go givin' sugar-rags an' strings of spools to
Annalinda, do you?' While he's thinkin' this he grins that patronizin'
it'd set your teeth on edge.
"Texas in a simple sperit of vain-glory'd take advantage of Tutt bein'
a father that a-way to back him into a corner; an' then, ignorin' the
rest of us as belongin' to the barb'rous herd, he'd insist on
discussin' skunk oil as a remedy for croup. An' the worst of it is he
finally has Tutt, who's bad enough before, gyratin' 'round, his addled
nose to the sky in redoubled scorn of childless men. From the two
sociablest sports in camp it gets so that the uncle in one an' father
in the other so far supplants an' shoves aside the mere man in 'em
that Job himse'f would have had to make a new record for meekness an'
long sufferin' to get along with 'em. Which we-all suffers from both
to that extent that when they does start to bombardin' each other the
eepisode in some of its angles appeals to us as a welcome relief.
"Even Peets goes after Texas. It don't do no good. He's become that
opinionated he ain't got no more reespect for Peets than for Monte.
Texas mentions that Annalinda's got a ache some'ers, an' asks Peets
what's his idee.
"'Thar's nothin' onder the firmament, Texas, the matter with that
baby,' says Peets, 'but you. Which if you'd ever got to him as a
yearlin' you'd a-killed Hercules himse'f! Quit yore fussin', an' give
Annalinda a chance. Take a lesson from the cub coyote. Roll Annalinda
out in the sand, an' let her scuffle. That's the way to bring a
youngone up.'
"'Mother Shrewsbury don't agree with you,' says Texas. 'Also, thar's
nothin' in them cub coyote claims of yours for r'arin' children.'
"'Mother Shrewsbury,' retorts Peets, 'is nothin' but a patent med'cine
outfit, which feeds an' fattens on sech boneheads as you.'
"'Excoose me, but scattered throughout that invalyooable work is the
endorsements of doctors of divinity.'
"'Shore! Half the time a gold brick comes to you wrapped in a tract.
All the same, Texas, the way you're carryin' on about Annalinda is
fast bringin' your sanity into doubt.'
"Texas snorts his scorn at this, an' goes back to 'Mother Shrewsbury.'
"As I've already s'ggested, however, thar's a bitter drop in Texas'
cup, an' Tutt's the drop. As a ondeniable father, Tutt can put it all
over Texas or any other mere uncle whenever he feels like it, an' deep
down in his heart Texas knows it. He struggles to hide the feelin',
but any one can tell that the very sight of Tutt is wormwood to him.
"Likewise, Tutt fully ree'lizes his sooperiority, an' in no wise
conceals the same. It comes as easy to Tutt as suckin' aiggs, he
havin' had plenty of practice. Ever since little Enright Peets is
born Tutt has conducted himse'f in a downhill manner towards all of
us, an' been allowed to do so; as why not? This manner has become so
much a part of Tutt that even after Texas inherits Annalinda an' sets
up house for himse'f, while it makes the rest of us look up to him
some, it don't he'p him none with Tutt. Tutt's too thoroughly aware of
the difference between bein' a father an' bein' a uncle. Likewise, he
lets Texas see it at every twist in the trail.
"That time Nell takes to pa'rin' off little Enright Peets an'
Annalinda, an' in a sperit of lightness speaks of how mebby some day
they'll wed, she springs the notion on Texas, as stated, an' asks him
what he thinks. Texas, who always has to have time to make up his mind
about anything with Annalinda in it, is onable to say, first dash out
of the box, whether he feels tickled or sore. He grows plenty solemn,
as I mentions, grunts mighty elevated an' austere, an' mumbles about
some things bein' a long shot an' a limb in the way, an' the wisdom of
not crossin' a bridge till you gets to it.
"Ten minutes later, while he's still got Annalinda an' little Enright
Peets on the skyline of his regyard, Texas comes upon Tutt, who's
talkin' pol'tics to Armstrong. Armstrong has tossed off a few
weak-minded opinions about a deefensive an' offensive deal with
Russia, an' Tutt's ag'in it as solid as a sod house.
"'Yes, sir,' Tutt's saying; 'I'm ag'in any sech low alliance. I'd be
ashamed to call myse'f a white man an' consent to sech open-eyed
disgrace.'
"Texas turns white. It's among his deefects that he can't escape the
feelin' that the whole world is always thinkin' an' talkin' about
whatever he himse'f is thinkin' an' talkin' about. Overhearin' what
Tutt says, he concloodes that Tutt's declarin' his sent'ments as to
little Enright Peets marryin' Annalinda, an' is out to reeject all
sech alliances as a disgrace to the Tutts. An' Texas foomes. To be eat
up by Tutt's sooperior station as a shore father is bad enough! An'
now yere's Tutt, aggravatin' injury with insult! Which it's too much!
"'Draw your weepon, Dave,' calls out Texas, bringin' his own gun to
the front. 'Your bein' a father don't overawe me none, you bet!
Likewise, if you're a Tutt I'm a Thompson, an' I've stood about all
I'm going to.'
"Tutt, as a old experienced gun-player, sees at a glance that he ain't
got no time to throw out skirmishers. For reasons onknown, but
s'fficient, thar's Texas manooverin' to plug him. Wharupon, Tutt takes
steps accordin', an' takes 'em some abrupt. So abrupt, in trooth, that
Texas ain't got through oratin' before his nigh hind laig has stopped
a bullet midway above the knee. Shore, he gets a shot at Tutt, but it
goes skutterin' along in the sand a full foot to one side. Thar's only
them two shots, Enright, Armstrong an' Jack Moore gettin' in between
'em, an' nippin' any further trouble in the bud.
"It's two hours later, an' Enright has come 'round to beat some sense
into Texas.
"'Accordin' to the Doc yere,' says Enright, as Peets ladles the
invalid out a hooker of Old Jordan, 'that laig'll be so you can ride
ag'in in a month. Pendin' which, while I don't preetend to savvy
what's been goin' on between you an' Dave, nor what insults has been
give or took, I no less tells you, Texas, that you're wrong.'
"'As how?' growls Texas, gulpin' down the nosepaint.
"'As to them airs which of late you dons. You know you can't defend
'em none. Dave's been the sole onchallenged father in this yere outfit
for crowdin' nigh five years; an' for you to come swaggerin' up,
insistin' that he divide the pot with you an' you holdin' nothin'
higher than a niece, nacherally exasperates him beyond endoorance.
Which you'd feel the same yourse'f in Dave's place.'
"'But you don't onderstand, Sam. It's him connivin' round an' archin'
his neck ag'inst them babies marryin' each other when they're growed
up--it's that which sets my blood to b'ilin'. Wharever does Dave come
in to get insultin' action at sech a prop'sition? It'll be a cold day
when a Thompson ain't equal to a Tutt, an' I'll make that good while I
can pull an' p'int a .45.'
"'Which Dave,' interjecks Peets, as he goes cockin' up Texas' foot on
a gooseha'r pillow, so's the shot laig'll feel it less--'which Dave
thinks right now, an' so informs me personal, that you-all starts to
mussin' with him on account of pol'tics, an' him havin' been a
reepublican back East. Armstrong b'ars him out, too.'
"'Pol'tics?' gasps Texas, full of wonder. 'Whatever do I care about
pol'tics? I shore ain't no nigger-lovin' reepublican. At the same
time, I ain't no cheap hoss-thief of a democrat, neither, even if I
does come from Texas. Why, Doc, takin' jedge an' opposin' counsel an'
the clerk who records the decree, on down to that ornery auctioneer of
a sheriff who sells up my stock at public vandoo for costs an' al'mony
the time my Laredo wife grabs off her divorce, every stick-up among
'em's a democrat. An' while I don't know nothin' about pol'tics, an'
never aims to, you can go the limit on it I ain't nothin' them bandits
be. Which I'd sooner be a prohibitionist!'
"Enright an' Peets an' Texas keeps on discussin' ontil the
misonderstandin' is laid bar', an' Texas is quick to admit that he's
been mistook. Tutt, who's willin' an' ready, is brought in, an' the
pa'r reeconciled.
"'An', old man,' says Tutt, usin' both hands to shake with Texas, 'I'd
on the level feel a heap better if it's me who gets busted in the
laig.'
"'Don't mention it, Dave,' returns Texas, who, now he reelizes what
he's done, is deeply affected. 'I was plumb wrong; I sees it now.
Also, if in the fullness of time Annalinda declar's in favor of
weddin' little Enright Peets, I yereby binds myse'f to back them
nuptials for a thousand head of steers.'
"'Texas,' an' the water stands in Tutt's eyes, 'while it's the first I
hears of sech a racket, yere's my hand that I'll go with you, steer
for steer an' hoof for hoof.'
"What Peets calls 'the logic of the sityooation' p'ints to licker all
around; an', as we-all drinks to the onclouded future of Annalinda an'
little Enright Peets, Texas an' Tutt ag'in shakes mighty fervent for
the second time."
XI
THE FUNERAL OF OLD HOLT
"That Turner person! Does he remain in Wolfville long?" The old
cattleman repeated my question as though feeling for its bearings.
"Well, he don't break no records. Which I should say now he sojourns
with us mebby it's six months before he ups stakes an' pulls his
freight back East. Oh, no; it ain't that any gent who's licensed to
call himse'f a molder of public opinion, sech as Enright or Peets,
objects to the Turner person's further presence none. Speakin'
gen'ral, the heft of feelin' is in his favor. Not but what he has
deeficiencies. It's no easy shot, offhand, to tell you preecisely whar
this Turner person is camped in common esteem. Perhaps it's enough to
say he's one of them parties who, while they don't excite your
disapproval, is shore to keep you loaded with regrets.
"Ain't you met up frequent with that form of horned toad? Thar's
nothin' you can lodge ag'inst 'em, nothin' at which a vig'lance
committee can rope an' fasten; they're honest, well meanin', even
gen'rous; an' yet thar they be, upholstered by nacher in some occult
way with about the same chance of bein' pop'lar as a wet dog. Speakin'
for myse'f, I feels sorry for these yere onforchoonate mavericks,
condemned as they be at birth to go pirootin' from the cradle to the
grave, meetin' everywhar about the same welcome which awaits a polecat
at a picnic.
"Thar's no predom'natin' element of evil in this Turner person. Which
in his case the trouble swings an' rattles on the way he's built. His
crownin' deefect, mighty likely, is that he's got one of them sidehill
minds, an' what idees he does evolve can't find no foothold, but is
robbed at the start of everything reesemblin' perm'nancy. I watches
his comin's in an' goin's out for months on eend, an' I'm yere to
say--at the same time ascribin' to him no ill intentions--that onder
all condition an' on all o'casions he's as onreli'ble as a woman's
watch.
"About that weddin' he goes east to consummate?
"Which it looks like, speakin' mod'rate, he quits winner. He travels
back to Sni-a-bar as tame as tabby cats in persooance with Enright's
commands, an', once thar, old man Parks an' the rest of 'em whistles
him through the marital chute a heap successful. When he shows up
among us, his blushin' Peggy bride on his arm, he's wearin' all the
brands an' y'ear marks of a thor'ughly married man; to sech degrees,
indeed, as renders Texas oncomfortable.
"'It recalls,' says Texas, 'them honeymoon days I passed with my
Laredo wife before she wins out that divorce. It's like a icicle
through my heart to look at him,' he goes on, aloodin' to the Turner
person an' the fatyoous fog of deelight he's evident in. 'Thar he is,
like a cub b'ar, his troubles all before him, an' not brains enough
onder his skelp-lock to a'preeciate his awful p'sition.'
"'Why, Texas,' remonstrates Nell as, the turn comin' trey-nine, she
picks a stack of bloos off the trey an' puts it in the check rack,
'you talks of wedlock as though that sacriment's a brace. Plenty of
folks has beat the game. Thar's Tutt an' Tucson Jennie.'
"'Them nuptials of Dave's an' Jennie's, Nell,' returns Texas, shakin'
his head a heap gloomy, 'ain't far enough to the r'ar to afford a
preecedent. Wait till Dave wakes up.'
"'Till Dave wakes up?' says Boggs, who's busy at the lay-out, an' has
jest planted a stack of reds coppered in the big squar'. 'Sech
pess'mism, Texas, is reedic'lous. Bein' married that a-way, I takes
it, is somethin' like walkin' a tightrope. It reequires care, but it
can be did. To be shore, if anything happens, you're in for a
jo-darter of a jolt. Still, the resk don't render the feat imposs'ble,
an' a brave man disregyards it.'
"'That's whatever,' comments Nell, as, the king fallin' to win, she
draws down Boggs's reds.
"Thar's no chill on the reception we confers on the Turner person an'
his Peggy bride. Monte has orders, in case they're aboard, to onlimber
his shotgun a mile or two outside of camp, so's we gets notice an' is
not caught off our gyard. For once the old drunkard is faithful to his
trust, an' when we hears him whangin' away with both bar'ls, we turns
out, as they say in Noo York, _en masse_. Every gent empties the six
chambers of his gun as the stage pulls up, an' the Turner person
he'ps out his Peggy bride into the center of a most joyful foosilade.
We couldn't have done more if she's the Queen of Sheba.
"The Turner person an' his Peggy bride is in right from the go. Missis
Rucker declar's that the bride's a lady; Nell proclaims her as 'shore
corn-fed,' while Tucson Jennie allows she's a whole lot too good for
sech a jack-rabbit of a husband as she gets.
"Her beauty?
"Which you couldn't say it's calc'lated to blind.
"For mere loveliness she ain't a marker to Nell. To be frank, it's
somethin' more'n a simple question that a-way if she splits even with
Tucson Jennie. As for Missis Rucker, that matron bein' past her yooth
ain't properly speakin' in the runnin', an' to go comparin' her with
girls would be injestice.
"Once landed, an' havin' escaped from that ovation we prepar's, the
Turner person an' his Peggy bride moves into the wickeyup okyoopied
former by Cash Box Billie an' Missis Bill, an' opens up their domestic
game. Hearin' nothin' to the contrary, no howls of anguish from him,
no yelps of complaint from her, it's safe to say that in what joys is
supposed to attend the connoobyal state, they coppers all of them
loogubrious forebodin's of Texas, an' gets at least as good as a even
break.
"Old man Parks back at Sni-a-bar?
"It looks like the Turner person, him bein' nacherally timid,
exaggerates the perils which lurks in that aged cimmaron. Leastwise,
old Parks don't offer no voylance to him, neither at the weddin' nor
later. Some waifword does come creepin' along that durin' the cer'mony
two of the guests has to hold old Parks, an' that he's searched for
weepons by the preacher before ever said divine consents to turn his
game at all. Which I'm free to say, however, I never lends no
creedence to them yarns.
"The Turner person, now he's established as a married gent an' a
cit'zen in full standin', gives himse'f horn an' hide to business that
a-way. He's as prompt about openin' his coffin emporium as ever is
Black Jack in throwin' wide the portals of the Red Light. Once thar,
he stays ontil the evenin' lamps is lit, layin' for a corpse to use
his new hearse on.
"Also, the Turner person has hopes: an' equally also he ain't without
foundations wharon to build. That's an uncle of Armstrong who has come
totterin' into camp, as he says himse'f, to die. Likewise, it's the
onbiased view of every gent in the outfit that this reelative of
Armstrong possesses reasons. He's a walkin' wreck. Peets concedes that
he's got every malady ever heard of, besides sev'ral as to which
science is plumb in the dark.
"Nacherally, not alone the Turner person, but the public at large,
figgers that this yere uncle'll shore furnish employment for the
hearse, an' at no distant day. But it looks like that onmitigated
invalid is out to test our patience. Mornin' after mornin' he comes
scufflin' into the Red Light on two canes to get his matootinal
nosepaint, an' this he keeps up ontil it begins to look like malice.
Ree'lizin', too, the pecooliar int'rest we-all is bound to take in him
onder the circumstances, he puts on airs, an' goes by us when he meets
us as coldly haughty as a paycar by a tramp. Or, ag'in, he's prone to
grin at us plenty peevish an' malev'lent, an' this he does partic'lar
if the Turner person's hoverin' round.
"'Which I shore deespises to keep you boys waitin',' he'd say, with a
cacklin', aggravatin' laugh; 'but the way I feels it'd be prematoore
to go greasin' up the hubs of that hearse.'
"Sech taunts he flings forth constant, ontil he comes mighty near
drivin' Boggs frantic.
"'It seems,' says Boggs, 'like simply livin' ain't good enough for
that old hoss thief. To be wholly happy he's obleeged to make his stay
on earth a source of mis'ry to other folks. Which he ought to've been
in his tomb ten years ago. Every day he draws his breath is so much
velvet; an', instead of bein' thankful, all he thinks of is makin'
mean reemarks an' sayin' bitin' things. He'll keep on till some
over-provoked sport bends a six-shooter on his insultin' head.'
"Weeks of waitin' goes by. Armstrong's old badger of a uncle hangs on,
an' no outside corpse falls in, Arizona, as you doubtless savvys,
bein' scand'lously healthy that a-way. So far, too, from any el'g'ble
subject arrivin' in the usual way, the town never experiences sech a
period of rippleless an' onruffled peace. As showin', too, how far the
public is willin' to go to he'p along the play, I need only mention
that on two o'casions Boggs leaves out his best pony all night,
himse'f sprawled in behind a mesquite bush with his winchester, hopin'
some Mexican'll prove weak enough to want it. All is in vain, however.
Thar we be, framed up to give a fooneral from which Cochise County
could date time, an' nothin' in the line of raw mater'al wharwith to
pull it off. Which I never sees the gen'ral feelin' more exasperated.
It's as though in a sperit of sarcasm our destinies is mockin' us.