held at high noon. If the dinin' room of the Abe Lincoln House ain't
spacious enough, an I'll say right yere it ain't, we'll teetotaciously
set them tables in the street. That's my style! I wants everybody, bar
Mexicans, to be present. When I gives a blow-out, I goes fo'th into
the highways an' byways, an' asks the halt an' the lame an' the
blind, like the good book says. Also, no gent need go prowlin' 'round
for no weddin' garments wharin to come. Which he's welcome to show up
in goat-skin laiggin's, or appear wropped in the drippin' an'
offensive pelt of a wet dog.'
"The Red Dog chief, lest some of us is sens'tive, goes on to add that
no gent is to regyard them cracks about the halt an' the lame an' the
blind as aimed at Wolfville. He allows he ain't that invidious, an' in
what he says is merely out to be both euphonious an' explicit, that
a-way, at one an' the same time.
"To which Enright reesponds that no offence is took, an' asshores the
Red Dog chief that Wolfville will attend the banquet all spraddled
out.
"More licker, followed by gen'ral congratulations.
"Bland ag'in comes surgin' to the fore. This time he thinks that as a
main feachure it would be a highly effective racket to reenact the
surrender of Cornwallis to Washington.
"Tutt goes weavin' across to shake his hand.
"'Some folks allows, Pete,' says Tutt, 'that you're as whiskey-soaked
an old fool as Monte. But not me, Pete, not your old pard, Dave Tutt!
An' you hear me, Pete, that idee about Cornwallis givin' up his sword
to Washington dem'nstrates it.'
"'You bet your life it does!' says Bland.
"'But is this yere surrender feasible?' asks Texas. 'Which, at first
blink, it seems some cumbrous to me.'
"'It's as easy as turnin' jack,' declar's Tutt, takin' the play away
from Bland. 'I've seen it done.'
"'As when an' whar?' puts in Cherokee.
"'Thar's a time,' says Tutt--'it's way back--when I sets into a little
poker game over in El Paso, table stakes she is, an' cleans up for
about $10,000. For mebby a week I goes 'round thinkin' that $10,000 is
a million; an' after that I simply _knows_ it is. These yere
onnacheral riches onhinges me to a p'int whar I deecides I'll visit
Chicago an' Noo York, as calk'lated to broaden me.'
"'Noo York!--Chicago!' interrupts the Bug. 'I once deescends upon them
hamlets, an' I encounters this yere strikin' difference. In Chicago
they wouldn't let me spend a dollar, while in Noo York they wouldn't
let anybody else spend one.'
"'It's otherwise with me,' goes on Tutt, 'because for a wind-up I
don't see neither. I'm young then, d' you see, an' affected by yooth
an' wealth I takes to licker, with the result that I goes pervadin' up
an' down the train, insistin' on becomin' person'ly known to the
passengers.'
"'An' nacherally you gets put off,' says Boggs.
"'Not exactly, neither. Only the conductor, assisted by a bevy of
brakemen, lays the thing before me in sech a convincin' shape that I
gets off of my own accord. It seems that to be agree'ble, I proposes
wedlock to a middle-aged schoolmarm, who allows that she sees no
objection except I'm a perfect stranger. She says it ain't been
customary with her much to go weddin' strangers that a-way, but if
I'll get myse'f reg'larly introdooced, an' then give her a day or so
to become used to my looks, she'll go me. It's then the conductor
draws me aside, an' says, "I've a son about your age, my eboolient
young sport, which is why I takes your part. My theery is that if you
sticks aboard this train ontil we reaches Rock Island, you'll never
leave that village a single man."
"'This sobers me,' Tutt continyoos, 'an' I hides in the baggage kyar
ontil we reaches a camp called Sedalia, whar I quietly makes my
escape. I'm that reelieved I gives the cabman $20 to let me drive, an'
then starts in to wake things up. Which I shore wakes 'em! I comes
down the main street like the breath of destiny; an', say, you ought
to see them Missourians climb trees, an' gen'rally break for cover! It
costs me $50; an' the jedge gives me his word that, only it's the
Fo'th of Jooly, he'd have handed me two weeks in the calaboose. I
clinks down the fifty _pesos_ some grateful, an' goes bulgin' forth to
witness the cer'monies. She's a jo-darter, that Sedalia cel'bration
is! As Pete yere recommends, they pulls off the surrender of
Cornwallis on the Fair grounds. Also, it's plumb easy. All you needs
is mebby a couple of hundred folks on hosses, an' after that the
rest's like rollin' off a log.'
"More is said as the drink goes round, an' Cornwallis surrenderin'
to Washington takes hold of our imaginations. We throws dice,
an' settles it that Red Dog'll be the English, with Bland as
Cornwallis, while Wolfville acts as the Americans, Boggs to perform
as Washington--Boggs bein' six foot an' some inches, besides as
wide as a door. By the time we gets the stock of the Votes for
Women S'loon fully drinked up everything's arranged.
"Onless you sees no objections, son, I'll gallop through the balance
of this yere painful eepisode. The day comes round, bright an'
cl'ar, an' the Copper Queen people gen'rously starts the ball
a-rollin' by explodin' thirteen cans of powder, one for each of
the orig'nal states. Then the procession forms, Nell in front as the
Goddess. Thar's full two hundred of us, Wolfville an' Red Dog, on
ponies. As to Missis Rucker, she's on top of the coach as Jestice,
Tucson Jennie--with little Enright Peets lookin' like a young he
cherub--inside, an' Monte pullin' the reins over the six hosses.
We makes four trips between Wolfville an' Red Dog, crackin' off
our good old '45s at irreg'lar intervals, Nell on her calico pony as
the Goddess bustin' away with the rest.
"Little Enright Peets wants in on the pistol shootin', an' howls jes'
like a coyote--as children will--ontil Boggs, who foresees it an'
comes provided, gives him a baby pistol, a box of blank cartridges,
an' exhorts him to cut loose. Which little Enright Peets shore cuts
loose, all right; an', except that he sets fire to the coach a few
times, an' makes Missis Rucker oneasy up on top--her fearin' that
mebby some of them blanks has bullets in 'em by mistake--he has a
perfectly splendid time.
"The procession over, we eats up the Red Dog chief's banquet, wharat
every brand of airtights is introdooced. That done, we listens to
Jedge Beebe, who soars an' sails an' sails an' soars, rhetorical, for
mebby it's a hour, an' is that eloquent an' elevated he never hits
nothin' but the highest places.
"The Red Dog chief makes a speech, an' proposes 'Wolfville'; to which
Peets--by Enright's request--reesponds, an' offers 'Red Dog.' It's
bottoms up to both sentiments; for thar's no negligence about the
drinks, Black Jack havin' capered fraternally over to he'p out his
overworked barkeep brother of the Red Dog Tub of Blood.
"When no one wants to further drink or eat or talk, we reepa'rs to a
level place between the two camps to go through the Cornwallis'
surrender. The rival forces is arrayed opp'site, Cornwallis Bland in a
red coat, an' Washington Boggs in bloo an' buff, accordin' to the
teachin's of hist'ry. Both of 'em has sabers donated from the Fort.
"When all's ready Washington Boggs an' Cornwallis Bland rides out in
front ontil they're in easy speakin' distance. Cornwallis Bland's been
over-drinkin' some, an' is w'arin' a mighty deefiant look.
"After a spell, nothin' bein' spoke on either side, Washington Boggs
calls out:
"'Is this yere Gen'ral Cornwallis?'
"'Who you talkin' to?' demands Cornwallis Bland, a heap contemptuous
an' insolent.
"Peets has done writ out words for 'em to say, but neither uses 'em.
Observin' how Cornwallis Bland conducts himse'f, Washington Boggs
waves his sword plenty vehement, which makes his pony cavort an'
buckjump, an' roars:
"'Don't you try to play nothin' on me, Gen'ral Cornwallis. Do you or
do you not surrender your mis'rable blade?'
"'Surrender nothin'!' Cornwallis Bland sneers back, meanwhile reelin'
in his saddle. 'Thar's never the horned-toad clanks a spur in Cochise
County can make me surrender. Likewise, don't you-all go wavin' that
fool weepon at me none. I don't valyoo it more'n if it's a puddin'
stick. Which I've got one of 'em myse'f'--yere he'd have lopped off
one of his pony's y'ears, only it's so dull--'an' I wouldn't give it
to a yellow pup to play with.'
"'For the last time, Cornwallis,' says Washington Boggs, face aflame
with rage, 'I commands you to surrender.'
"'Don't let him bluff you, Pete,' yells a bumptious young cow-puncher
who belongs on the Red Dog-English side. 'Which we can wipe up the
plains with that Wolfville outfit.'
"The Red Dog chief bats the young trouble-makin' cow-puncher over the
head with his gun, an' quietly motions to the Lightnin' Bug an' a
fellow Red Dog to pack what reemains of him to the r'ar. This done, he
turns to reemonstrate with Cornwallis Bland for his obstinancy. He's
too late. Washington Boggs, who's stood all he will, drives the spurs
into his pony, an' next with a bound an' a rush, he hits Cornwallis
Bland an' his charger full chisle.
"The pony of Cornwallis Bland fa'rly swaps ends with itse'f, an'
Cornwallis would have swapped ends with it, too, only Washington Boggs
collars an' hefts him out of his saddle.
"'Now, you onwashed drunkard, will you surrender?' roars Washington
Boggs, shakin' Cornwallis Bland like a dog does a rat, ontil that
British leader drops all of his hardware, incloosive of his
pistol--'now will you surrender, or must I break your back across your
own pony, as showin' you the error of your ways?'
"It looks like thar's goin' to be a hostile comminglin' of all hands,
when--her ha'r streamin' behind her same as if she's a comet--Missis
Bland comes chargin' up.
"'Yere, you drunken villyun!' she screams to Boggs, 'give me my
husband this instant, onless you wants me to t'ar your eyes out!'
"'It's him who's to blame, ma'am,' says Enright mildly, comin' to
Boggs' rescoo; 'which he won't surrender.'
"'Oh, he won't, won't he?' says Missis Bland, as she hooks onto
Cornwallis Bland. 'You bet he'll surrender to me all right, or I'll
know why.'
"As the Red Dog chief is apol'gizin' to Enright, who's tellin' him not
to mind, Cornwallis Bland is bein' half shoved an' half drug, not to
mention wholly yanked, towards the Abe Lincoln House by Missis Bland.
"That's the end. This yere ontoward finale to our cel'bration gets
wide-flung notice in print, an' instead of bein' a boost, as we-all
hopes, Wolfville an' Red Dog becomes a jest an' jeer. Also, while it
don't sour the friendly relations of the two camps, the simple mention
of Fo'th of Jooly leaves a bitter taste in the Wolfville-Red Dog mouth
ever since."
VII
PROPRIETY PRATT, HYPNOTIST
"Do I ever see any folks get hypnotized? Which I witnesses a few sech
instances. But it's usually done with a gun. If you're yearnin' to
behold a party go into a trance plumb successful an' abrupt, get the
drop on him. Thar ain't one sport in a hundred who can look into the
muzzle of a Colt's .45, held by a competent hand, without lapsin' into
what Peets calls a 'cataleptic state.'
"Shore, son, I savvys what you means."
The last was because I had begun to exhibit signs of impatience at
what I regarded as a too flippant spirit on the part of my old
cattleman. In the polite kindliness of his nature he made haste to
smooth down my fur.
"To be shore I onderstands you. As to the real thing in hypnotism,
however, thar arises as I recalls eevents but few examples in Arizona.
The Southwest that a-way ain't the troo field for them hypnotists, the
weak-minded among the pop'lation bein' redooced to minimum. Now an'
then of course some hypnotic maverick, who's strayed from the eastern
range, takes to trackin' 'round among us sort o' blind an' permiscus.
But he never stays long, an' is generally tickled to death when some
vig'lance committee so far reelents as to let him escape back.
"Over in Bernilillo once, I'm present when a mob gets its rope onto
one of these yere wizards, an' it's nothin' but the mercy of hell an'
the mean pars'mony of what outcasts has him in charge, which saves him
from bein' swung up. Mind you, it ain't no vig'lance committee, but a
mob, that's got him.
"Whatever is the difference?
"Said difference, son, is as a spanless gulf. A vig'lance committee is
the coolest kind of comin' together of the integrity an' the brains of
a commoonity. A mob, on the other hand, is a chance-blown convention
of deestructionists, as savagely brainless as a pack of timber wolves.
A vig'lance committee seeks jestice; a mob is merely out for blood."
"About this Bernilillo business?"
The old gentleman, as though the recital might take some time,
signalled the black attendant to bring refreshments. The bottle
comfortably at his elbow, he proceeded.
"I was thar, as I says, but I takes no part for either 'yes' or 'no,'
bein' no more'n simply a 'looker on in Vienna,' as the actor party
observes over in the Bird Cage Op'ry House. Thar's one of them
hypnotizin' sharps who's come bulgin' into Bernilillo to give a show.
Nacherally the local folks raps for a showdown; they insists he
entrance some one they knows, an' refooses to be put off by him
hypnotizin' what herd of hirelin's he's brought with him, on the
argyooment that them humbugs is in all likelihood but cappers for his
game.
"Thus stood up, the professor, as he calls himself, begins rummagin'
'round for a subject. Thar's a little Frenchman who's been pervadin'
about Bernilillo, claimin' to be a artist. Which he's shore a painter
all right. I sees him myse'f take a bresh an' a batch of colors, an'
paint a runnin' iron so it looks so much like wood it floats. Shore;
Emil--which this yere genius' name is Emil--as a artist that a-way is
as good as jacks-up before the draw.
"The hypnotic professor runs his eye over the audjence. In a moment
he's onto Emil, an' begins to w'irl his hypnotic rope. It's Emil bein'
thin an' weakly an' bloodless, I reckon, that attracts him. This yere
Emil ain't got bodily stren'th to hold his own ag'in a high wind, an'
the professor is on at a glance that, considered from standp'ints of
hypnotism, he ought to be a pushover.
"Emil don't hone to be no subject, but them Bernilillo hold-ups
snatches onto him in spite of his protests, an' passes him up onto the
stage to the professor. They're plenty headlong, not to say boorish,
them Bernilillo ruffians be; speshully if they've sot their hearts on
anythin', an' pore Emil stands about the same show among 'em as a
cottontail rabbit among a passel of owls.
"For myse'f, I allers adheres to a theery that what follows is to be
laid primar'ly to the door of the Bernilillo pop'lace. Which it's
themselves, not the professor, they'd oughter've strung up. You see
this Emil artist person blinks out onder the spells of the professor,
an' never does come to no more. The professor hypnotizes Emil, but he
can't onhypnotize him. Thar he sets as dead as Davy Crockett.
"This yere Emil bein' shore dead, Bernilillo sent'ment begins to churn
an' wax active. Thar ain't a well-conditioned vig'lance committee
between the Pecos an' the Colorado which, onder the circumstances,
would have dreamed of stretchin' that professor. What he does, them
Bernilillo dolts forces him to do. As for deceased, his ontimely
evaporation that a-way is but the frootes of happenstance.
"What cares the Bernilillo pop'lace, wolf hungry for blood? In the
droppin' of a sombrero they've cinched onto the professor, an' the
only question left open is whether they'll string him up to the town
windmill or the sign in front of the First National Bank.
"While them Bernilillo wolves is howlin' an' mobbin' an' millin'
'round the professor--who himse'f is scared plumb speechless an' is as
white as a lump of chalk--relief pushes to the front in most
onexpected shape. It's a kyard sharp by the name of Singleton,
otherwise called the Planter, who puts himse'f in nom'nation to
extricate the professor.
"Climbin' onto the top step in front of the bank, the Planter lifts up
his voice for a hearin'.
"'Folks!' he shouts, 'I'm in favor of this yere lynchin' like a
landslide. But, all the same, thar's a bet we overlooks. It's up to us
not only to be jest, but to be gen'rous. This yere murderer, who's
done blotted out the only real artist I ever meets except myse'f, has
a wife down to the hotel. As incident to these festiv'ties she's goin'
to be a widow. Is it for the manhood an' civic virchoo of Bernilillo
to leave a widow of its own construction broke an' without a dollar? I
hears the incensed echoes from the Black Range roarin' back in
scornful accents "No!" Sech bein' the sityooation, as preelim'nary to
this yere hangin' I moves we takes up a collection for that widow.
Yere's a fifty to 'nitiate the play'--at this p'int the Planter throws
a fifty-dollar bill into his hat--'an' as I passes among you I wants
every sport to come across, lib'ral an' free, an' prove to the world
lookin' on that Bernilillo is the band of onbelted philanthropists
which mankind's allers believed.
"Hat in hand, same as if it's a contreebution box an' he's passin' the
platter in church, the Planter begins goin' in an' out through the
multitood like a meadowlark through standin' grass. That is, he
starts to go in an' out; but, at the first motion, that entire
lynchin' party exhales like mist on the mornin' mountains. It's the
same as flappin' a blanket at a bunch of cattle. Every profligate of
'em, at the su'gestion he contreebute to the widow, gets stampeded,
an' thar's nobody left but the Planter, the professor, an' me.
"'Which I shore knows how to tech them ground-hawgs on the raw,' says
the Planter, as he onlooses the professor. 'If I was to have p'inted a
gun at 'em now, they'd've give me a battle. But bein' to the last man
jack a bunch of onmitigated misers, a threat leveled at their
bankrolls sets 'em to hidin' out like quail!'
"The professor?
"The instant he's laig-free, an' without so much as pausin' to
congrachoolate his preeserver on the power of his eloquence, he
vanishes into the night. He's headin' towards Vegas as he's lost to
sight, an' I learns later from Russ Kishler he makes that meetropolis
more or less used up. No; he don't have no wife. That flight of fancy
is flung off by the Planter simply as furnishin' 'atmosphere.'
"Wolfville never gets honored but once by the notice of a hypnotist.
This yere party don't proclaim himse'f as sech, but bills his little
game as that of a 'magnetic healer,' an' allows in words a foot high
that he's out to 'make the deef hear, the blind see, the lame to walk
an' the halt to skip an' gambol as doth the hillside lamb.' Also, on
them notices, the same bein' the bigness of a hoss-blanket an' hung up
lib'ral in the Red Light, the post office, the Dance Hall, an' the Noo
York store, is a picture of old Satan himse'f, teachin' Professor
Propriety Pratt--that bein' the name this yere neecromancer gives
himse'f--his trade.
"These proclamations is tacked up a full week before Professor Pratt
is doo, an' prodooces a profound effect on Boggs, him bein' by nacher
sooperstitious to the brink of the egreegious. The evenin' before the
Professor is to onlimber on us, he shows in Red Dog, an' Boggs is that
roused by what's been promised in the line of mir'cles, he rides
across to be present.
"'It ain't that I'm convinced none,' Boggs reports, when quaffin' his
Old Jordan in the Red Light, an' settin' fo'th what he sees, 'but I
must confess to bein' more or less onhossed by what this yere Pratt
Professor does. He don't magnetize none of them Red Dog drunkards in
person, for which he's to be exon'rated, since no self-respectin'
magnetizer would let himse'f get tangled up with sech. He confines his
exploits to a brace of dreamy lookin' ground owls he totes 'round with
him, an' which he calls his "hosses." What he makes these vagrants do,
though, assoomin' it's on the squar', is a caution to bull-snakes.
After he's got 'em onder the "inflooence," they eats raw potatoes like
they're roast apples, sticks needles into themselves same as though
they're pincushions, an' at his slightest behest performs other feats
both blood-curdlin' an' myster'ous.'
"We-all listens to Boggs, of course, as he recounts what marvels he's
gone ag'inst in Red Dog, but we don't yield him as much attention as
we otherwise might, bein' preeockepied as a public with word of a
hold-up that's come off over near the Whetstone Springs. Some
bandit--all alone--sticks up the Lordsburg coach, an' quits winner
sixty thousand dollars. Nacherally our cur'osity is a heap stirred up,
for with sech encouragement thar's no tellin' when he'll make a play
at Monte an' the Wolfville stage, an' take to layin' waste the
fortunes of all us gents. What is done to Lordsburg we can stand, but
a blow at our own warbags, even in antic'pation, is calc'lated to
cause us to perk up. We're all discussin' the doin's of this yere
route agent an' wonderin' if it's Curly Bill, when Boggs gets back
from Red Dog, with the result, as I says, that he onloads his
findin's, that a-way, on a dead kyard. Not that this yere public
inattention preys on Boggs. He keeps on drinkin' an' talkin', same as
though, all y'ears like a field of wheat, we ain't doin' a thing but
listen.
"'Also,' he observes, as he tells Black Jack to rebusy himse'f,
meanwhile p'intin' up to the poster which shows how the devil is
holdin' Professor Pratt in his lap an' laborin' for that hypnotist's
instruction; 'I shall think out a few tests which oughter get the
measure of that mountebank. He won't find this outfit so easy as them
Red Dog boneheads.'
"Professor Pratt has a one-day wait in Wolfville, not bein' able that
evenin' to get the Bird Cage Op'ry House, the same bein' engaged by a
company of histrions called the Red Stocking Blonds. Havin' nothin'
else to do, the Professor wanders yere an' thar, now in the Red
Light, now at the Noo York store, but showin' up at the O. K.
Restauraw at chuck time both rav'nous an' reg'lar. Missis Rucker
allows she never does feed a gent who puts himse'f outside of so much
grub for the money, an' hazards the belief it's because of a loss of
nervous force through them hypnotizin's he pulls off. Not that she's
findin' fault, for the Professor, havin' staked her to a free ticket,
has her on his staff in the shakin' of a dice-box.
"The Professor don't come bulgin' among us, garroolous an' friendly,
but holds himse'f aloof a heap, clingin' to the feelin' mebby that to
preeserve a distance is likely to swell reesults at the Bird Cage
door. Boggs, however, ain't to be stood off by no coldness, carin' no
more for a gent's bein' haughty that a-way than a cow does for a
cobweb. Which you bet it'll take somethin' more'n mere airs to hold
Boggs in check.
"It's in the O. K. Restauraw, followin' our evenin' _frijoles_, that
Boggs breaks the ice an' declar's for some exper'ments.
"'Which you claims,' says he, appealin' to the Professor, 'to make the
deef hear and the blind see. Onforchoonately we're out of deef folks
at this writin', an' thar's nothin' approachin' blindness in this neck
of woods which don't arise from licker. But aside from cures thus
rendered impossible for want of el'gible invalids, thar's still this
yere hypnotic bluff you puts up. What Wolfville hankers for is tests,
tests about the legit'macy of which thar's no openin' for dispoote.
Wharfore I yereby makes offer of myse'f to become your onmurmurin'
dupe. I'll gamble you a stack of bloos you don't make me drink no
water, thinkin' it's nosepaint, same as you pretends to do with them
wretched confed'rates of yours.'
"The Professor is a big b'ar-built sport, an' looks equal to holdin'
his own onder common conditions. But Boggs don't come onder the latter
head. So the Professor, turnin' diplomatic an' compliment'ry, explains
that sech powerful nachers as Boggs' is out of reach of his
rope--Boggs bein' reepellent, besides havin' too strong a will.
"'As to you, Mister Boggs, with that will of yours,' says the
Professor, 'I might as well talk of hypnotizin' Cook's Peak.'
"One after another, Boggs makes parade of everybody in camp. It's no
go; the Professor waves 'em aside as plumb onfit. Missis Rucker's got
too much on her mind; in Rucker the tides of manhood is at so low a
ebb he might die onder the pressure; Monte's too full of nosepaint,
alcohol, that a-way, bein' a nonconductor.
"When the Professor dismisses Monte, the ground he puts it on excites
that inebriate to whar it reequires the united energies of Cherokee
an' Tutt to kick him off the Professor. It's only the direct commands
of Enright which in the end indooces him to keep the peace.