the windmill with his remains. The only public good a hangin' does is
to scare folks up a lot, an' you can scare a loonatic quite as quick
an' quite as hard as a gent whose intellects is plumb.'
"'Thar she stands,' Turkey Track breaks in ag'in, not waitin' for no
questions, 'an' me as far below her as stingin' lizards is from stars!
Then, ag'in, when folks down in front is a'plaudin' her, she wavin'
at 'em meanwhile the gracious smile, it makes me jealous. Gents, I
don't plan nothin', but the first I knows I lugs out the old .45 an'
onhooks it.'
"The Mockin' Bird has come over from the O. K. House with Nell, Missis
Rucker an' Tucson Jennie. As she hears Turkey Track's confession two
drops shows in her eyes like diamonds. Clutchin' hold of Nell, an'
with Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie flockin' along in the r'ar, she
rushes out the front door.
"This manoover leaves us some upset, ontil Nell returns to explain.
"'She's overcome by them disclosures,' says Nell, 'an' goes outside to
blush.'
"'The ontoward breaks of that songstress,' observes Enright oneasily,
'has a tendency to confoose the issue, an' put this committee in the
hole.'
"'Thar's nothin' confoosin' about it, Sam Enright.' It's Missis Rucker
who breaks out high an' threatenin', she havin' come back with Nell.
'This yere Mockin' Bird girl's in love with that gun-playin' cowboy,
an' it's only now she finds it out. Do you-all murderers still insist
on hangin' this yere boy, or be you willin' to see 'em wed an' live
happy ever after?'
"'Let's rope up a divine some'ers,' exclaims Boggs, 'an' have 'em
married. If that Mockin' Bird girl wants Turkey Track she shall shore
have him. I'd give her his empty head on a charger, if she asks it,
same as that party in holy writ, she singin' "Suwannee River" like she
does.'
"Cherokee, who's more or less rooled by Nell, thinks a weddin' the
proper step, an' Tutt, who sees somethin' in Tucson Jennie's eye,
declar's himse'f some hasty.
"Even Texas backs the play.
"'But make no mistake,' says Texas; 'I insists on wedlock over
lynchin' only because it's worse.'
"'Which it's as well, Sam Enright,' observes Missis Rucker, blowin'
through her nose mighty warlike, 'that you an' your marauders has
sense enough to see your way through to that deecision. Which if you'd
failed, I'd have took this Turkey Track boy away from you-all with my
own hands. This Vig'lance Committee needn't think it's goin' to do as
it pleases 'round yere--hangin' folks for bein' in love, an' closin'
its y'ears to the moans of a bleedin' heart.'
"'My dear ma'am,' says Enright, his manner mollifyin'; 'I sees nothin'
to discuss. The committee surrenders this culprit into the hands of
you-all ladies, an' what more is thar to say?'
"'Thar's this more to say,' an' Missis Rucker's that earnest her mouth
snaps like a trap. 'You an' your gang, settin' round like a passel of
badgers, don't want to get it into your heads that you're goin' to run
rough-shod over me. When I gets ready to have my way in this outfit,
the prairie dog that stands in my path'll shore wish he'd never been
born.'
"Enright don't say nothin' back, an' the balance of us maintainin' a
dignified silence, Missis Rucker, after a look all 'round, withdraws,
takin' with her Tucson Jennie an' Nell, Turkey Track in their midst.
"'Gents,' observes Enright, when they're shore departed, an' speakin'
up deecisive, 'ways must be deevised to 'liminate the feminine element
from these yere meetin's. I says this before, but the idee don't seem
to take no root. Thar's nothin' lovelier than woman, but by virchoo
of her symp'thies she's oncap'ble of exact jestice. Her feelin's lead
her, an' her heart's above her head. For which reasons, while I
wouldn't favor nothin' so ondignified as hidin' out, I s'ggests that
we be yereafter more circumspect, not to say surreptitious, in our
deelib'rations.'
"Shore, they're married. The cer'mony comes off in the O. K. House,
an' folks flocks in from as far away as Deming.
"'If you was a chemist, Sam,' says Peets, tryin' to eloocidate what
happens when the Mockin' Bird learns she's heart-hungry that a-way for
Turkey Track, 'you'd onderstand. It's as though her love's held in
s'lootion, an' the jar of Turkey Track's gun preecip'tates it.'
"'Mebby so,' returns Enright; 'but as a play, this thing's got me
facin' back'ards. Thar's many schemes to win a lady, but this yere's
the earliest instance when a gent shoots his way into her arms.'
"'Well,' returns Peets, 'you know the old adage--to which of course
thar's exceptions.' Yere he glances over at Missis Rucker. 'It runs:
"A woman, a spaniel an' a walnut tree,
The more you beat 'em the better they be."
"Boggs has been congratchoolatin' Turkey Track, an' kissin' the bride.
Texas, as somber as a spade flush, draws Boggs into a corner.
"'That Turkey Track,' says Texas, 'considers this a whipsaw. He misses
hangin', an' he gets the lady. He feels like he wins both ways. Wait!
Dan, it won't be two years when he'll discover that, compar'd to
marriage, hangin' that a-way ain't nothin' more'n a technical'ty.'"
VI
THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH
"By nacher I'm a patriot, cradle born and cradle bred; my Americanism,
second to none except that of wolves an' rattlesnakes an' Injuns an'
sim'lar cattle, comes in the front door an' down the middle aisle; an'
yet, son, I'm free to reemark that thar's one day in the year, an'
sometimes two, when I shore reegrets our independence, an' wishes thar
had been no Yorktown an' never no Bunker Hill."
The old cattleman tasted his glass with an air weary to the borders of
dejection; after which he took a pathetic puff at his pipe. I knew
what had gone wrong. This was the Fifth of July. We had just survived
a Fourth of unusual explosiveness, and the row and racket thereof had
worn threadbare the old gentleman's nerves.
"Yes, sir," he continued, shoving a 'possum-colored lock back from his
brow, "as I suffers through one of them calamities miscalled
cel'brations, endoorin' the slang-whangin' of the orators an' bracin'
myse'f ag'inst the slam-bangin' of the guns, to say nothin' of the
firecrackers an' kindred Chinese contraptions, I a'preeciates the
feelin's of that Horace Walpole person Colonel Sterett quotes in his
_Daily Coyote_ as sayin', 'I could love my country, if it ain't for my
countrymen.'
"Still, comin' down to the turn, I reckon it merely means, when all is
in, that I'm gettin' too plumb old for comfort. It's five years now
since I dare look in the glass, for fear I'd be tempted to count the
annyooal wrinkles on my horns.
"It's mighty queer about folks. Speakin' of cel'brations, for
thousands of years the only way folks has of expressin' any feelin' of
commoonal joy, that a-way, is to cut loose in limitless an' onmeanin'
uproar. Also, their only notion of a public fest'val is for one half
of the outfit to prance down the middle of the street, while the other
half banks itse'f ag'inst the ediotic curb an' looks at 'em.
"People in the herd ain't got no intelligence. We speaks of the lower
anamiles as though we just has it on 'em completely in the matter of
intelligence, but for myse'f I ain't so shore. The biggest fool of a
mule-eared deer savvys enough to go feedin' up the wind, makin' so to
speak a skirmish line of its nose to feel out ambushes. Any old bull
elk possesses s'fficient wisdom to walk in a half-mile circle, as a
concloodin' act before reetirin' for the night, so that with him
asleep in the center, even if the wind does shift, his nose'll still
get ample notice of whatever man or wolf may take to followin' his
trail.
"That's what them 'lower anamiles' does. An' now I asks, what man,
goin' about his numbskull dest'nies, lookin' as plumb wise as a
too-whoo owl at noon, ever shows gumption equal to keepin' the
constant wind in his face, or has the sense to go walkin' round
himse'f as he rolls into his blankets, same as that proodent elk?
After all, I takes it that these yere Fo'th of Jooly upheavals is only
one among the ten thousand fashions in which hoomanity eternally
onbuckles in expressin' its imbecil'ty.
"Which I certainly do get a heap disgusted at times with the wild
beast called man. With all his bluffs about bein' so mighty sagacious,
I can sit yere an' see that, speakin' mental, he ain't better than an
even break with turkey gobblers. Even what he calls his science turns
finally out with him to be but the accepted ignorance of to-day; an'
he puts in every to-morrow of his existence provin' what a onbounded
jackass rabbit he's been the day before. It's otherwise with them
lower anamiles; what they knows they knows."
Plainly, something had to be done to fortify my old friend. I fell
back, quite as a matter of course, upon that first aid to the injured,
another drink, and motioned the black waiter to the rescue. It did my
old friend good, that drink, the first fruits of which easier if not
better condition being certain fresh accusations against himself.
"The trooth is, I'm a whole lot onused to these yere Fo'th of Jooly
outbursts; an' so I ondoubted suffers from 'em more keenly, that
a-way, than the av'rage gent. You see we never has none of 'em in
Wolfville; leastwise we never does but once. On that single festive
occasion we shore stubs our toe some plentiful, stubs it to that
degree, in fact, that we never feels moved to buck the game ag'in.
Once is enough for Wolfville.
"Which it's the single failure that stains the fame of the camp. At
that, the flat-out reely belongs to Red Dog; or at least to Pete
Bland, for which misguided party the Red Dogs freely acknowledges
reespons'bility as belongin' to their outfit.
"This yere Bland's dead now an' deep onder the doomsday sods. Also, he
died drinkin' like he'd lived.
"'What's the malady?' Enright asks Peets, when the Doc comes trackin'
back, after seein' the finish of Bland.
"'No malady at all, Sam,' says Peets, plumb cheerful an' frisky, same
as them case-hardened drug folks allers is when some other sport
passes in his checks--'no malady whatsoever. His jag simply stops on
centers, as a railroad gent'd say, an' I'm onable to start it ag'in.'
"Was Peets any good as a med'cine man? Son, I'm shocked! Peets is
packin' 'round in his professional warbags the dipplomies of twenty
colleges, an' is onchallenged besides as the best eddicated sharp
personal on the sunset side of the Mississippi. You bet, he
onderstands the difference at least between bread pills an' buckshot,
which is a heap sight further than some of these yere drug folks ever
studies.
"Colonel Sterett, who's fa'rly careful about what he says, reefers to
Peets in his _Daily Coyote_ as a 'intellectchooal giant,' an' thar
ain't no record of any scoffer comin' squanderin' along to contradict.
Mebby you'll say that the omission to do so is doo to the f'rocious
attitoode of the _Daily Coyote_ itse'f, techin' contradictions, an'
p'int to how that imprint keeps standin' at the head of its editorial
columns as a motto, the cynicism:
"'Contradict the _Coyote_ and avoid old age!'
"Thar'd be nothin' in it if you do. That motto's only one of Colonel
Sterett's bluffs, one of his witticisms that a-way. You don't reckon
that, in a sparsely settled country, whar the pop'lation is few an'
far between, the Colonel's goin' to go bumpin' off a subscriber over
mebby a mere difference of opinion? The Colonel ain't quite that
locoed."
"But about your Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth of July celebration?" I
urged.
"Which I'm in no temper to tell a story--me settin' yere with every
nerve as tight as a banjo catgut jest before it snaps. To reelate
yarns your mood ought to be the mood of the racontoor--a mood as rich
an' rank an' upstandin' as a field of wheat, ready to billow an' bend
before every gale of fancy. The way yesterday leaves me, whatever tale
I ondertakes to reecount would about come out of my mouth as stiff an'
short an' brittle as chopped hay. Also, as tasteless. Better let it go
till some other an' more mellow evenin'."
No; I was ready to accept the chances, and said as much. A chopped-hay
style, for a change, might be found acceptable. Supplementing the
declaration with renewed Old Jordan, I was so far victorious that my
aged man of cattle yielded.
"Well, then," he began reluctantly, "I'm onable to partic'larly say
which gent does make the orig'nal s'ggestion, but my belief is it's
Peets. I'm shore, however, that the Cornwallis idee comes from Bland;
an', since it's not only at that Cornwallis angle we-all falls
publicly down, but the same is primar'ly doo to the besotted obstinacy
of this yere Bland himse'f, Wolfville, while ever proudly willin' to
b'ar whatever blame's sawed off on to her shoulders proper, is always
convinced that Red Dog an' not us is to be held accountable. However,
Bland's gone an' paid what the sky scouts speaks of as the debt to
nacher, an' I'm willin' to confess for one that when he's sober he
ain't so bad. Not that them fits of sobriety is either so freequent or
so protracted they takes on any color of monotony.
"Bland's baptismal name is Pete, an' in his way he's a leadin'
inflooence in Red Dog. He's owner of the 7-bar-D outfit, y'earmark a
swallow-fork in both y'ears--which brands seventeen hundred calves
each spring round-up; an' is moreover proprietor of the Abe Lincoln
Hotel, the same bein' Red Dog's principal beanery. Bland don't have to
keep this yere tavern none, but it arranges so he sees his friends an'
gets their _dinero_ at one an' the same time, which as combinin'
business an' pleasure in equal degrees appeals to him a heap.
"Which it's the gen'ral voice that the best thing about Bland is his
wife. She's shore loyal to Bland, you bet! When they're livin' in
Prescott, an' a committee of three from one of them 'Purification Of
The Home' societies comes trapesin' in, to tell her about Bland bein'
ondooly interested in a exyooberant young soobrette who's singin' at
the theayter, an' spendin' his money on her mighty permiscus, Missis
Bland listens plenty ca'm ontil they're plumb through. Then she hands
them Purifiers this:
"'Well, ladies, I'd a heap sooner have a husband who can take keer of
two women than a husband who can't take keer of one.'
"After which she comes down on that Purification bunch like a fallin'
star, an' brooms 'em out of the house. Accordin' to eye witnesses, who
speaks without prejewdyce, she certainly does dust their bunnets
strenuous.
"When Bland hears he pats Missis Bland on the shoulder, an' exclaims,
'Thar's my troo-bloo old Betsy Jane! She knows I wouldn't trade a look
from them faded old gray eyes of hers for all the soobretts whoever
pulls a frock on over their heads!'
"Followin' which encomium Bland sends to San Francisco an' changes in
the money from five hundred steers for an outfit of diamonds, to go
'round her neck, an' preesents 'em to Missis Bland.
"'Thar,' he says, danglin' them gewgaws in the sun, 'you don't notice
no actresses flittin' about the scene arrayed like that, do you? If
so, p'int out them over-bedecked females, an' I'll see all they've got
on an' go 'em five thousand better, if it calls for every 7-bar-D
steer on the range.'
"'Pete,' says Missis Bland, clampin' on to the jooelry with one hand,
an' slidin' the other about his neck, 'you certainly are the kindest
soul who ever makes a moccasin track in Arizona, besides bein' a good
provider.'
"Shore, this yere Bland ain't so plumb bad.
"An' after a fashion, too, he's able to give excooses. Talkin' to
Peets, he lays his rather light an' frisky habits to him bein' a
preacher's son.
"'Which you never, Doc,' he says, 'meets up with the son an' heir of a
pulpiteer that a-way, who ain't pullin' on the moral bit, an' tryin'
for a runaway.'
"'At any rate, Pete,' the Doc replies, all cautious an' conservative,
'I will say that if you're lookin' for some party who'll every day be
steady an' law abidin', not to say seedate, you'll be a heap more
likely to find him by searchin' about among the progeny of some party
who's been lynched.'
"Recurrin' again to that miserabul Fo'th of Jooly play we cuts loose
in, it's that evenin' when we invites Red Dog over in a body to he'p
consoome the left-over stock of lickers in the former Votes For Women
S'loon, an' nacherally thar's some drinkin'. As is not infrequent whar
thar's drinkin', views is expressed an' prop'sitions made. It's then
we takes up the business of havin' that cel'bration.
"Peets makes a speech, I recalls, an' after dilatin' 'round to the
effect that Fo'th of Jooly ain't but two weeks ahead, allows that it'd
be in patriotic line for us to do somethin'.
"'Conj'intly,' says Peets, 'Red Dog an' Wolfville, movin' together
with one proud purpose of patriotism, ought to put over quite a show.
As commoonities we're no longer in the swaddlin' clothes of infancy.
It's time, too, that we goes on record as a whole public in some
manner an' form best calk'lated to make a somnolent East set up an'
notice us.'
"Peets continyoos in a sim'lar vein, an' speaks of the settlement of
the Southwest, wharin we b'ars our part, as a 'Exodus without a
prophet, a croosade without a cross,' which sent'ment he confesses he
takes from a lit'rary sport, but no less troo for that. He closes by
sayin' that if everybody feels like he does Wolfville an' Red Dog'll
j'ine in layin' out a program, that a-way, which'll shore spread the
glorious trooth from coast to coast that we-all is on the map to
stay.
"It's a credit to both outfits, how yoonanimously the s'ggestion is
took up. Which I never does see a public go all one way so plumb
quick, an' with so little struggle, since B'ar Creek Stanton is
lynched; which act of jestice even has the absoloote endorsement of
B'ar Creek himse'f.
"Peets is no sooner done talkin' than Tutt stacks in.
"'Thar's our six-shooters,' says he, 'for the foosilade; an', as for
moosic, sech as "Columbia the Gem" an' the "Star Spangled Banner," we
can round up them Dutchmen, who's the orchestra over at the Bird Cage
Op'ry House.'
"The talk rambles on, one word borryin' another, ontil we outlines
quite a game. Thar's to be a procession between Wolfville an' Red
Dog, an' back ag'in, Faro Nell leadin' the same on a _pinto_ pony as
the Goddess of Liberty.
"'An' that reeminds me,' submits Cherokee, when we reaches Nell;
'thar's Missis Rucker. It's goin' to hurt her feelin's to be left out.
As the preesidin' genius of the O. K. Restauraw she's in shape to give
us a racket we'll despise in eevent she gets her back up.'
"'How about lettin' her in on the play,' says Boggs, 'an' typ'fyin'
Jestice, that a-way?'
"'Thar's a idee, Dan,' says Texas Thompson, 'which plugs the center, a
reecommendation which does you proud! Down in that Laredo Co't House
whar my wife wins out her divorce that time, thar's a figger of
Jestice painted on the wall. Shore, it don't mean nothin'; but all the
same it's thar, dressed in white, that a-way, with eyes bandaged, an'
packin' a sword in one hand an' holdin' aloft some balances in
t'other. Come to think of it, too, that picture shore looks a lot like
Missis Rucker in the face, bein' plumb haughty an' commandin'.'
"'Missis Rucker not bein' yere none,' says Enright softly, an'
peerin' about some cautious, 'I submits that while no more esteemable
lady ever tosses a flapjack or fries salt-hoss in a pan, her figger is
mebby jest a trifle too abundant. As Jestice, she'll nacherally be
arrayed--as Texas says--in white, same as Nell as the Goddess. I don't
want to seem technicle, but white augments the size of folks an' will
make the lady in question look bigger'n a load of hay.'
"'Even so,' reemarks the Red Dog chief indulgently, 'would that of
itse'f, I asks, be reckoned any setback? The lady will person'fy
Jestice; an' as sech I submits she can't look none too big.'
"In compliment to the Red Dog chief Enright, with a p'lite flourish,
allows that he yields his objection with pleasure, an' Missis Rucker
is put down for Jestice. It's agreed likewise to borry a coach from
the stage company for her to ride on top.
"'Her bein' preeclooded,' explains Peets, 'from ridin' a hoss that
a-way, as entirely ondignified if not onsafe. We can rig her up a
throne with one of the big splint-bottom cha'rs from the Red Light,
an' wrop the same in the American flag so's to make it look
offishul.'
"Tucson Jennie, with little Enright Peets as the Hope of the Republic,
is to ride inside the coach.
"Havin' got this far, Pete Bland submits that a tellin' number would
be a sham battle, Red Dog ag'in Wolfville.
"Thar's opp'sition developed to this. Both Enright an' the Red Dog
chief, as leaders of pop'lar feelin', is afraid that some sport'll
forget that it ain't on the level, an' take to over-actin' his part.
"As the Red Dog chief expresses it:
"'Some gent might be so far carried away by enthoosiasm as to go to
shootin' low, an' some other gent get creased.'
"'The same bein' my notion exact,' Enright chips in. 'Of course, the
gent who thus shoots low would ondenyably do so onintentional; but
what good would that do the party who's been winged, an' who mightn't
live long enough to receive apol'gies?'
"'That's whatever!' says Jack Moore. 'A sham battle's too plumb apt to
prove a snare. The more, since everybody's so onused to 'em 'round
yere. A gent, by keepin' his mind firm fixed, might manage to miss
once or twice; but soon or late he'd become preoccupied, an' bust some
of the opp'sition before he could ketch himse'f.'
"Bland, seein' opinion's ag'inst a sham battle, withdraws the motion,
an' does it plenty graceful for a gent who's onable to stand.
"'Enough said,' he remarks, wavin' a acquiescent paw. 'Ante, an' pass
the buck.'
"The Lightnin' Bug, speakin' from the Red Dog side, insists that in
the reg'lar course of things thar's bound to be oratory. In that
connection he mentions a sharp who lives in Phoenix.
"'Which I'm shore,' says the Bug, 'he'd be gladly willin' to assist;
an' you hear me he's got a tongue of fire! Some of you-all sports must
have crossed up with him--Jedge Beebe of Phoenix?'
"'Jedge Beebe?' interjecks Monte, who's given a hostler his proxy to
take out the stage because of thar bein' onlimited licker; 'me an' the
Jedge stands drinkin' together for hours the last time he's in Tucson.
But you're plumb wrong, Bug, about him bein' eloquent.'
"'Wrong?' the Bug repeats, mighty indignant.
"'Of course,' says Monte, rememberin' how easy heated the Bug is, an'
that he looks on six-shooters as argyooments, 'I don't mean he can't
talk none; only he ain't what the Doc yere calls no Demosthenes.'
"'Did you ever hear the Jedge talk?' demands the Bug.
"'Which I shore does,' insists Monte; 'I listens to him for two hours
that time in Tucson. It's when they opens the Broadway Dance Hall.'
"'Whatever is his subject?' asks the Bug, layin' for to ketch Monte;
'what's the Jedge talkin' about?'
"'I don't know,' says Monte, wropped in his usual mantle of
whiskey-soaked innocence; 'he didn't say.'
"The Bug's eyes comes together in a angry focus; he thinks he's bein'
made game of.
"Tharupon Enright cuts in.
"'Bug,' he says, all sociable an' suave, 'you mustn't mind Monte. He's
so misconstructed that followin' the twenty-fifth drink he goes about
takin' his ignorance for information. No one doubts but you're a heap
better jedge than him of eloquence, an' everything else except
nosepaint. S'ppose you consider yourse'f a committee to act for the
con'jint camps, an' invite this yere joorist to be present as orator
of the day.'
"The Bug's brow cl'ars at this, an' he asshores Enright that he'll be
proud to act as sech.
"'An', gents,' he adds, 'if you says he ain't got Patrick Henry beat
to a standstill, may I never hold as good as aces-up ag'in.'
"The Red Dog chief announces that all hands must attend a free-for-all
banquet which, inflooenced by the tenth drink, he then an' thar
decides to give at Bland's Abe Lincoln House.