"I am NED the Sexton," replies he, "and come to know whether the Doctor
left any orders for a Funeral Sermon? and where he is to be laid? and
whether his grave is to be plain or bricked?"
"Why, Sirrah!" says I, "you know me well enough. You know I am not dead;
and how dare you affront me after this manner!"
"Alack a day, Sir," replies the fellow, "why it is in print, and the
whole Town knows you are dead. Why, there's Mr. WHITE the joiner is but
fitting screws to your coffin! He'll be here with it in an instant. He
was afraid you would have wanted it before this time."
"Sirrah! sirrah!" saith I, "you shall know to-morrow to your cost that I
am alive! and alive like to be!"
"Why, 'tis strange, Sir," says he, "you should make such a secret of your
death to us that are your neighbours. It looks as if you had a design to
defraud the Church of its dues: and let me tell you, for one who has
lived so long by the heavens, that is unhandsomely done!"
"Hist! hist!" says another rogue that stood by him, "away, Doctor! into
your flannel gear as fast as you can! for here is a whole pack of dismals
coming to you with their black equipage; how indecent will it look for you
to stand frightening folks at your window, when you should have been in
your coffin this three hours!"
In short, what with Undertakers, Embalmers, Joiners, Sextons, and your
_Elegy_ hawkers _upon a late practitioner in Physic and Astrology_; I got
not one wink of sleep that night, nor scarce a moment's rest ever since.
Now, I doubt not but this villanous Squire has the impudence to assert
that these are entirely strangers to him; he, good man! knoweth nothing
of the matter! and honest ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, I warrant you! is more a man
of honour than to be an accomplice with a pack of rascals that walk the
streets on nights, and disturb good people in their beds. But he is out,
if he thinks the whole World is blind! for there is one JOHN PARTRIDGE
can smell a knave as far as Grub street, although he lies in the most
exalted garret, and writeth himself "Squire"! But I will keep my temper!
and proceed in the Narration.
I could not stir out of doors for the space of three months after this;
but presently one comes up to me in the street: "Mr. PARTRIDGE, that
coffin you were last buried in, I have not yet been paid for."
"Doctor!" cries another dog, "How do you think people can live by making
graves for nothing? Next time you die, you may even toll out the bell
yourself, for NED!"
A third rogue tips me by the elbow, and wonders "how I have the
conscience to sneak abroad, without paying my funeral expenses."
"Lord!" says one, "I durst have sworn that was honest Dr. PARTRIDGE, my
old friend; but, poor man, he is gone!"
"I beg your pardon," says another, "you look so like my old acquaintance
that I used to consult on some private occasions: but, alack, he is gone
the way of all flesh."
"Look, look!" cries a third, after a competent space of staring at me;
"would not one think our neighbour the _Almanack_ maker was crept out of
his grave, to take another peep at the stars in this world, and shew how
much he is improved in fortune telling by having taken a journey to the
other."
Nay, the very Reader of our parish (a good sober discreet person) has
sent two or three times for me to come and be buried decently, or send
him sufficient reasons to the contrary: or if I have been interred in any
other parish, to produce my certificate as the _Act_ requires.
My poor wife is almost run distracted with being called Widow PARTRIDGE,
when she knows it's false: and once a Term, she is cited into the Court,
to take out Letters of Administration.
But the greatest grievance is a paltry Quack that takes up my calling
just under my nose; and in his printed directions with a, _N.B._, says:
_He lives in the house of the late ingenious Mr. JOHN PARTRIDGE, an
eminent Practitioner in Leather, Physic, and Astrology_.
But to shew how far the wicked spirit of envy, malice, and resentment can
hurry some men, my nameless old persecutor had provided a monument at the
stone-cutter's, and would have it erected in the parish church: and this
piece of notorious and expensive villany had actually succeeded, if I had
not used my utmost interest with the Vestry; where it was carried at last
but by two voices, that I am alive.
That stratagem failing, out cometh a long sable _Elegy_ bedecked with
hour-glasses, mattocks, skulls, spades, and skeletons, with an _Epitaph_
[_see_ p. 486] as confidently written to abuse me and my profession, as
if I had been under ground these twenty years.
And, after such barbarous treatment as this, can the World blame me, when
I ask, What is become of the freedom of an Englishman? and, Where is the
Liberty and Property that my old glorious Friend [_WILLIAM III_.] came
over to assert? We have driven Popery out of the nation! and sent Slavery
to foreign climes! The Arts only remain in bondage, when a Man of Science
and Character shall be openly insulted! in the midst of the many useful
services he is daily paying the public. Was it ever heard, even in Turkey
or Algiers, that a State Astrologer was bantered out of his life, by an
ignorant impostor? or bawled out of the world, by a pack of villanous
deep-mouthed hawkers?
Though I print _Almanacks_, and publish _Advertisements_; although I
produce certificates under the Minister's and Churchwardens' hands, that
I am alive: and attest the same, on oath, at Quarter Sessions: out comes
_A full and true Relation of the death and interment of JOHN PARTRIDGE_.
Truth is borne down; Attestations, neglected; the testimony of sober
persons, despised: and a man is looked upon by his neighbours as if he
had been seven years dead, and is buried alive in the midst of his
friends and acquaintance.
Now can any man of common sense think it consistent with the honour of my
profession, and not much beneath the dignity of a philosopher, to stand
bawling, before his own door, "Alive! Alive! Ho! the famous Doctor
PARTRIDGE! no counterfeit, but all alive!" as if I had the twelve
celestial Monsters of the Zodiac to shew within, or was forced for a
livelihood, to turn retailer to May and Bartholomew Fairs.
Therefore, if Her Majesty would but graciously be pleased to think a
hardship of this nature worthy her royal consideration; and the next
Parl[ia]m[en]t, in their great wisdom, cast but an eye towards the
deplorable case of their old _Philomath_ that annually bestoweth his
poetical good wishes on them: I am sure there is one ISAAC BICKERSTAFF,
Esquire, would soon be trussed up! for his bloody persecution, and
putting good subjects in terror of their lives. And that henceforward, to
murder a man by way of Prophecy, and bury him in a printed _Letter_,
either _to a Lord_ or Commoner, shall as legally entitle him to the
present possession of Tyburn, as if he robbed on the highway, or cut your
throat in bed.
_Advertisement_.
N.B.: _There is now in the Press, my Appeal to the Learned; Or my general
Invitation to all Astrologers, Divines, Physicians, Lawyers,
Mathematicians, Philologers, and to the_ Literati _of the whole World, to
come and take their Places in the Common Court of Knowledge, and receive
the Charge given in by me, against ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq., that most
notorious Impostor in Science and illiterate Pretender to the Stars;
where I shall openly convict him of ignorance in his profession,
impudence and falsehood in every assertion, to the great detriment and
scandal of Astrology. I shall further demonstrate to the Judicious, that
France and Rome are at the bottom of this horrid conspiracy against me;
and that the Culprit aforesaid is a Popish emissary, has paid his visits
to St. Germains, and is now in the Measures of LEWIS XIV.; that in
attempting my reputation, there is a general Massacre of Learning
designed in these realms; and, through my sides, there is a wound given
to all the Protestant_ Almanack _makers in the universe_.
Vivat Regina!
Not satisfied with this _Impartial Account_, when next Almanack time came
(in the following November, 1708), PARTRIDGE's _Almanack_ for 1709 [P.P.
2465/8] contained the following:
You may remember that there was a Paper published predicting my death
upon the 29th March at night, 1708, and after the day was past, the same
villain told the World I was dead, and how I died, and that he was with
me at the time of my death.
I thank GOD, by whose mercy I have my Being, that I am still alive, and
(excepting my age) as well as ever I was in my life: as I was also at
that 29th of March. And that Paper was said to be done by one
BICKERSTAFF, Esq. But that was a sham name, it was done by an impudent
lying fellow.
But his Prediction did not prove true! What will he say to that? For the
fool had considered the "Star of my Nativity" as he said. Why the truth
is, he will be hard put to it to find a _salvo_ for his Honour. It was a
bold touch! and he did not know but it might prove true.
One hardly knows whether to wonder most at the self-delusion or credulity
of this last paragraph by the old quack.
This called forth from SWIFT:
A VINDICATION OF ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq., &c.
MR. PARTRIDGE hath been lately pleased to treat me after a very rough
manner, in that which is called his _Almanack_ for the present year. Such
usage is very undecent from one Gentleman to another, and does not at all
contribute to the discovery of Truth, which ought to be the great End in
all disputes of the Learned. To call a man, _fool_, and _villain_, and
_impudent fellow_, only for differing from him in a point merely
speculative, is, in my humble opinion, a very improper style for a person
of his Education.
I appeal to the Learned World, whether, in my last year's _Predictions_,
I gave him the least provocation for such unworthy treatment.
Philosophers have differed in all Ages; but the discreetest among them,
have always differed as became Philosophers. Scurrility and Passion in a
Controversy among Scholars, is just so much of nothing to the purpose;
and, at best, a tacit confession of a weak cause.
My concern is not so much for my own reputation, as that of the Republic
of Letters; which Mr. PARTRIDGE hath endeavoured to wound through my
sides. If men of public spirit must be superciliously treated for their
ingenious attempts; how will true useful knowledge be ever advanced? I
wish Mr. PARTRIDGE knew the thoughts which foreign Universities have
conceived of his ungenerous proceeding with me: but I am too tender of
his reputation to publish them to the World. That spirit of envy and
pride, which blasts so many rising Geniuses in our nation, is yet unknown
among Professors abroad. The necessity of justifying myself will excuse my
vanity, when I tell the reader that I have received nearly a hundred
Honorary Letters from several part of Europe, some as far as Muscovey, in
praise of my performance: besides several others, which (as I have been
credibly informed) were opened in the P[ost] Office, and never sent me.
It is true, the Inquisition in P[ortuga]l was pleased to burn my
_Predictions_ [_A fact, as Sir PAUL METHUEN, the English Ambassador
there, informed SWIFT_], and condemned the Author and the readers of
them: but, I hope at the same time, it will be considered in how
deplorable a state Learning lieth at present in that Kingdom. And, with
the profoundest reverence for crowned heads, I will presume to add, that
it a little concerned His Majesty of Portugal to interpose his authority
in behalf of a Scholar and a Gentleman, the subject of a nation with
which he is now in so strict an alliance.
But the other Kingdoms and States of Europe have treated me with more
candour and generosity. If I had leave to print the Latin letters
transmitted to me from foreign parts, they would fill a Volume! and be a
full defence against all that Mr. PARTRIDGE, or his accomplices of the
P[ortuga]l Inquisition, will be ever able to object: who, by the way, are
the only enemies my _Predictions_ have ever met with, at home or abroad.
But I hope I know better what is due to the honour of a Learned
Correspondence in so tender a point.
Yet some of those illustrious Persons will, perhaps, excuse me for
transcribing a passage or two, in my own vindication.
[15]The most learned Monsieur LEIBNITZ thus addresseth to me his third
Letter, _Illustrissimo BICKERSTAFFIO Astrologico Instauratori, &c._
Monsieur LE CLERC, quoting my _Predictions_ in a treatise he published
last year, is pleased to say, _Ita, nuperrime BICKERSTAFFIUS, magnum
illud Angliae sidus_. Another great Professor writing of me, has these
words, _BICKERSTAFFIUS nobilis Anglus, Astrologarum hujusce seculi facile
Princeps_. Signior MAGLIABECCHI, the Great Duke's famous Library Keeper,
spendeth almost his whole Letter in compliments and praises. It is true
the renowned Professor of Astronomy at Utrecht seemeth to differ from me
in one article; but it is after the modest manner that becometh a
Philosopher, as _Pace tanti viri dixerim_: and, page 55, he seemeth to
lay the error upon the printer, as, indeed it ought, and sayeth, _vel
forsan error typographi, cum alioquin BICKERSTAFFIUS vir doctissimus, &c_.
If Mr. PARTRIDGE had followed these examples in the controversy between
us, he might have spared me the trouble of justifying myself in so public
a manner. I believe few men are readier to own their error than I, or more
thankful to those who will please to inform him of them. But it seems this
Gentleman, instead of encouraging the progress of his own Art, is pleased
to look upon all Attempts of this kind as an invasion of his Province.
He has been indeed so wise, as to make no objection against the truth of
my _Predictions_, except in one single point, relating to himself. And to
demonstrate how much men are blinded by their own partiality, I do
solemnly assure the reader, that he is the _only_ person from whom I ever
heard that objection offered! which consideration alone, I think, will
take off its weight.
With my utmost endeavours, I have not been able to trace above two
Objections ever made against the truth of my last year's _Prophecies_.
The first was of a Frenchman, who was pleased to publish to the World,
that _the Cardinal DE NOAILLES was still alive, notwithstanding the
pretended Prophecy of Monsieur BIQUERSTAFFE_. But how far a Frenchman, a
Papist, and an enemy is to be believed, in his own cause, against an
English Protestant, who is _true to the Government_, I shall leave to the
candid and impartial reader!
The other objection is the unhappy occasion of this Discourse, and
relateth to an article in my _Predictions_, which foretold the death of
Mr. PARTRIDGE to happen on March 29, 1708. _This_, he is pleased to
contradict absolutely, in the _Almanack_ he has published for the present
year; and in that ungentlemanly manner (pardon the expression!) as I have
above related.
In that Work, he very roundly asserts that _he is not only now alive, but
was likewise alive upon that very 29th of March, when I had foretold he
should die_.
This is the subject of the present Controversy between us, which I design
to handle with all brevity, perspicuity, and calmness. In this dispute, I
am sensible the eyes, not only of England, but of all Europe will be upon
us: and the Learned in every country will, I doubt not, take part on that
side where they find most appearance of Reason and Truth.
Without entering into criticisms of Chronology about the hour of his
death, I shall only prove that _Mr. PARTRIDGE is not alive_.
And my first argument is thus. Above a thousand Gentlemen having bought
his _Almanack_ for this year, merely to find what he said against me: at
every line they read, they would lift up their eyes, and cry out, between
rage and laughter, _They were sure, no man alive ever wrote such stuff as
this!_ Neither did I ever hear that opinion disputed. So that Mr.
PARTRIDGE lieth under a dilemma, either of disowning his _Almanack_, or
allowing himself to be _no man alive_.
Death is defined by all Philosophers [as] a separation of the soul and
body. Now it is certain that the poor woman [_Mrs. PARTRIDGE_] who has
best reason to know, has gone about, for some time, to every alley in the
neighbourhood, and swore to her gossips that _her husband had neither life
nor soul in him_. Therefore, if an _uninformed_ Carcass walks still about
and is pleased to call itself PARTRIDGE; Mr. BICKERSTAFF doth not think
himself any way answerable for that! Neither had the said Carcass any
right to beat the poor boy, who happened to pass by it in the street,
crying _A full and true Account of Dr. PARTRIDGE's death, &c_.
SECONDLY. Mr. PARTRIDGE pretendeth to tell fortunes and recover stolen
goods, which all the parish says, he must do by conversing with the Devil
and other evil spirits: and no wise man will ever allow, he could converse
personally with either, until after he was dead.
THIRDLY. I will plainly prove him to be dead out of his own _Almanack_
for this year; and from the very passage which he produceth to make us
think him alive. He there sayeth, _He is not only_ now _alive, but was
also alive upon that very 29th of March, which I foretold he should die
on_. By this, he declareth his opinion that a man may be alive _now_, who
was not alive a twelve month ago. And, indeed, here lies the sophistry of
his argument. He dareth not assert he was alive _ever since the 29th of
March_! but that he is _now alive_, and _was so on that day_. I grant the
latter, for he did not die until night, as appeareth in a printed account
of his death, in a _Letter to a Lord_; and whether he be since revived, I
leave the World to judge! This indeed is perfect cavilling; and I am
ashamed to dwell any longer upon it.
FOURTHLY. I will appeal to Mr. PARTRIDGE himself, whether it be probable
I could have been so indiscreet as to begin my _Predictions_ with the
_only_ falsehood that ever was pretended to be in them! and this in an
affair at home, where I had so many opportunities to be exact, and must
have given such advantages against me, to a person of Mr. PARTRIDGE's Wit
and Learning: who, if he could possibly have raised one single objection
more against the truth of my Prophecies, would hardly have spared me!
And here I must take occasion to reprove the above-mentioned Writer
[i.e., SWIFT _himself, see_ p. 482] of the Relation of Mr. PARTRIDGE's
death, in a _Letter to a Lord_, who was pleased to tax me with a mistake
of _four whole hours_ in my calculation of that event. I must confess,
this censure, pronounced with an air of certainty, in a matter that so
nearly concerned me, and by a grave _judicious_ author, moved me not a
little. But though I was at that time out of Town, yet several of my
friends, whose curiosity had led them to be exactly informed (as for my
own part; having no doubt at all of the matter, I never once thought of
it!) assured me, I computed to something under half an hour: which (I
speak my private opinion!) is an error of no very great magnitude, that
men should raise clamour about it!
I shall only say, it would not be amiss, if that Author would henceforth
be more tender of other men's reputation, as well as of his own! It is
well there were no more mistakes of that kind: if there had been, I
presume he would have told me of them, with as little ceremony.
There is one objection against Mr. PARTRIDGE's death, which I have
sometimes met with, although indeed very slightly offered, That he still
continueth to write _Almanacks_. But this is no more than what is common
to all of that Profession. _GADBURY, Poor Robin, DOVE, WING_, and several
others, do yearly publish their _Almanacks_, though several of them have
been dead since before the Revolution. Now the natural reason of this I
take to be, that whereas it is the privilege of other Authors, _to live_
after their deaths; _Almanack_ makers are only excluded, because their
Dissertations, treating only upon the Minutes as they pass, become
useless as those go off: in consideration of which, Time, whose Registers
they are, gives them a lease in reversion, to continue their Works after
their death. Or, perhaps, a _Name_ can _make_ an _Almanack_ as well as
_sell_ one. And to strengthen this conjecture, I have heard the
booksellers affirm, that they have desired Mr. PARTRIDGE to spare himself
further trouble, and only to lend his Name; which could make _Almanacks_
much better than himself.
I should not have given the Public or myself, the trouble of this
_Vindication_, if my name had not been made use of by several persons, to
whom I never lent it: one of which, a few days ago, was pleased to father
on me, a new set of _Predictions_. But I think these are things too
serious to be trifled with. It grieved me to the heart, when I saw my
Labours, which had cost me so much thought and watching, bawled about by
the common hawkers of Grub street, which I only intended for the weighty
consideration of the gravest persons. This prejudiced the World so much
at first, that several of my friends had the assurance to ask me,
"Whether I were in jest?" To which I only answered coldly, that "the
event will shew!" But it is the talent of our Age and nation to turn
things of the greatest importance into ridicule. When the end of the year
had _verified all_ my _Predictions_; out cometh Mr. PARTRIDGE's
_Almanack!_ disputing the point of his death. So that I am employed, like
the General who was forced to kill his enemies twice over, whom a
necromancer had raised to life. If Mr. PARTRIDGE has practised the same
experiment upon himself, and be again alive; long may he continue so! But
that doth not, in the least, contradict my veracity! For I think I have
clearly proved, _by invincible demonstration_, that he died, at farthest,
within half an hour of the time I foretold [; and not four hours sooner,
as the above-mentioned Author, in his _Letter to a Lord_ hath maliciously
suggested, with a design to blast my credit, by charging me with so gross
a mistake].