THE HUMAN TOUCH
Three days later Jan got a note from Peter telling her that Hugo Tancred
had left Bombay and was probably leaving India at once from one of the
smaller ports.
He had not attempted to communicate in person or by letter with either
Jan or his wife.
Early in the morning, just a week from the time Jan had seen Hugo
Tancred at the window of that tall house near the cotton green, Fay's
third child, a girl, was still-born; and Fay, herself, never recovered
consciousness all day. A most competent nurse had been in the house
nearly a week, the doctor had done all that human skill could do, but
Fay continued to sink rapidly.
About midnight the nurse, who had been standing by the bed with her
finger on Fay's pulse, moved suddenly and gently laid down the weak hand
she had been holding. She looked warningly across at Jan, who knelt at
the other side, her eyes fixed on the pale, beautiful face that looked
so wonderfully young and peaceful.
Suddenly Fay opened her eyes and smiled. She looked right past Jan,
exclaiming joyfully, "There you are at last, Daddie, and it's broad
daylight."
* * * * *
For Jan it was still the middle of the Indian night and very dark
indeed.
The servants were all asleep; the little motherless children safely
wrapped in happy unconsciousness in their nursery with Ayah.
The last sad offices had been done for Fay, and the nurse, tired out,
was also sleeping--on Jan's bed.
Jan, alone of all the household, kept watch, standing in the verandah, a
ghostly figure, still in the tumbled white muslin frock she had had no
time all day to change.
It was nearly one o'clock. Motors and carriages were beginning to come
back from Government House, where there was a reception. The motor-horns
and horses' hoofs sounded loud in the wide silent street, and the head
lights swept down the Queen's Road like fireflies in flight.
Jan turned on the light in the verandah. Peter would perhaps look up and
see her standing there, and realise why she kept watch. Perhaps he would
stop and come up.
She wanted Peter desperately.
Compassed about with many relatives and innumerable friends at home, out
here Jan was singularly alone. In all that great city she knew no one
save Peter, the doctor and the nurse. Some few women, knowing all the
circumstances, had called and were ready to be kind and helpful and
friendly, as women are all over India, but Fay would admit none but
Peter--even to see Jan; and always begged her not to return the calls
"till it was all over."
Well, it was all over now. Fay would never be timid and ashamed any
more.
Jan had not shed a tear. The longing to cry that had assailed her so
continuously in her first week had entirely left her. She felt
clear-headed and cold and bitterly resentful. She would like to have
made Hugo Tancred go in front of her into that quiet room and forced him
to look at the girlish figure on the bed--his handiwork. She wanted to
hurt him, to make him more wretched than he was already.
A car stopped in the street below. Jan went very quietly to the door of
the flat and listened at the top of the staircase.
Steps were on the stairs, but they stopped at one of the flats below.
Presently another car stopped. Again she went out and listened. The
steps came up and up and she switched on the light in the passage.
This time it was Peter.
He looked very tired.
"I thought you would come," Jan said. "She died at midnight."
Peter closed the outer door, and taking Jan by the arm led her back into
the sitting-room, where he put her in a corner of the big sofa and sat
down beside her.
He could not speak, and Jan saw that the tears she could not shed were
in his eyes, those large dark eyes that could appear so sombre and then
again so kind.
Jan watched him enviously. She was acutely conscious of trifling things.
She even noticed what very black eyebrows he had and how--as always,
when he was either angry or deeply moved--the veins in his forehead
stood out in a strongly-marked V.
"It was best, I think," Jan said, and even to herself her voice sounded
like the voice of a stranger. "She would have been very unhappy if she
had lived."
Peter started at the cool, hard tones, and looked at her. Then, simply
and naturally, like a child, he took her hand and held it; and there was
that in the human contact, in the firm, comfortable clasp, that seemed
to break something down in Jan, and all at once she felt weak and faint
and trembling. She leaned her head against the pillows piled high in the
corner where Fay had always rested. The electric light in the verandah
seemed suddenly to recede to an immense distance and became a tiny
luminous pin-head, like a far lone star.
She heard Peter moving about in the dining-room behind and clinking
things, but she felt quite incapable of going to see what he was doing
or of trying to be hospitable--besides, it was his house, he knew where
things were, and she was so tired.
And then he was standing over her, holding a tumbler against her
chattering teeth.
"Drink it," he said, and, though his voice sounded far away, it was firm
and authoritative. "Quick; don't pretend you can't swallow, for you
can."
He tipped the glass, and something wet and cold ran over her chin:
anything was better than that, and she tried to drink. As she did so
she realised she was thirsty, drank it all eagerly and gasped.
"Have you had anything to eat all day?" the dominating voice went on; it
sounded much nearer now.
"I can't remember," she said, feebly. "Oh, why did you give me all that
brandy, it's made me so muzzy and confused, and there's so much I ought
to see to."
"You rest a bit first--you'll be all right presently."
Someone lifted her by the knees and put the whole of her on the sofa. It
was very comfortable; she was not so cold now. She lay quite still and
closed her eyes. She had not had a real night's sleep since she reached
Bombay. Fay was always restless and nervous, and Jan had not had her
clothes off for forty-eight hours. The long strain was over, there was
nothing to watch and wait for now. She would do as that voice said, rest
for a few minutes.
There was a white chuddah shawl folded on the end of the sofa. Fay had
liked it spread over her knees, for she was nearly always chilly.
Peter opened it and laid it very lightly over Jan, who never stirred.
Then he sat down in a comfortable chair some distance off, where she
would see him if she woke, and reviewed the situation, which was
unconventional, certainly.
He had sent his car away when he arrived, as it was but a step to the
Yacht Club where he slept. Now, he felt he couldn't leave, for if Jan
woke suddenly she would feel confused and probably frightened.
"I never thought so little brandy could have had such an effect," Peter
reflected half ruefully. "I suppose it's because she'd had nothing to
eat. It's about the best thing that could have happened, but I never
meant to hocus her like this."
There she lay, a long white mound under the shawl. She had slipped her
hand under her cheek and looked pathetically young and helpless.
"I wonder what I'd better do," thought Peter.
Mrs. Grundy commanded him to go at once. Common humanity bade him stay.
Peter was very human, and he stayed.
About half-past five Jan woke. She was certainly confused, but not in
the least frightened. It was light, not brilliantly light as it would be
a little later on, but clear and opalescent, as though the sun were
shining through fold upon fold of grey-blue gauze.
The electric light in the verandah and the one over Peter's head were
still burning and looked garish and wan, and Jan's first coherent
thought was, "How dreadfully wasteful to have had them on all
night--Peter's electric light, too"--and then she saw him.
His body was crumpled up in the big chair; his legs were thrust out
stiffly in front of him. He looked a heartrending interpretation of
discomfort in his evening clothes, for he hadn't even loosened the
collar. He had thought of it, but felt it might be disrespectful to Jan.
Besides, there was something of the chaperon about that collar.
Jan's tears that had refused to soften sorrow during the anguish of the
night came now, hot and springing, to blur that absurd, pathetic figure
looped sideways in the big chair.
It was so plain why he was there.
She sniffed helplessly (of course, she had lost her handkerchief), and
thrust her knuckles into her eyes like any schoolboy.
When she could see again she noticed how thin was the queer, irregular
face, with dark hollows round the eyes.
"I wonder if they feed him properly at that Yacht Club," thought Jan.
"And here are we using his house and his cook and everything."
She swung her feet off the sofa and disentangled them from the shawl,
folded it neatly and sat looking at Peter, who opened his eyes.
For a full minute they stared at each other in silence, then he
stretched himself and rose.
"I say, have you slept?" he asked.
"Till a minute ago ... Mr. Ledgard ... why did you stay? It was angelic
of you, but you must be so dreadfully tired. I feel absolutely rested
and, oh, so grateful--but so ashamed...."
"Then you must have some tea," said Peter, inconsequently. "I'll go and
rouse up Lalkhan and the cook. We can't get any ourselves, for he locks
up the whole show every blessed night."
* * * * *
In the East burial follows death with the greatest possible speed. Peter
and the doctor and the nurse arranged everything. A friend of Peter's
who had little children sent for Ayah and Tony and little Fay to spend
the day, and Jan was grateful.
Fay and her baby were laid in the English cemetery, and Jan was left to
face the children as best she could.
They had been happy, Ayah said, with the kind lady and her children.
Tony went straight to his mother's room, the room that had been closed
to him for three whole days.
He came back to Jan and stood in front of her, searching her face with
his grave, judging gaze.
"What have you done with my Mummy?" he asked. "Have you carried her away
and put her somewhere like you do Fay when she's naughty? You're strong
enough."
"Oh, Tony!" Jan whispered piteously. "I would have kept her if I could,
but I wasn't strong enough for that."
"Who has taken her, then?" Tony persisted. "Where is she? I've been
everywhere, and she isn't in the bungalow."
"God has taken her, Tony."
"What for?"
"I think," Jan said, timidly, "it was because she was very tired and ill
and unhappy----"
"But is she happier now and better?"
"I hope so, I believe she is ... quite happy and well."
"You're sure?" And Tony's eyes searched Jan's face. "You're sure _you_
haven't put her somewhere?"
"Tony, I want Mummy every bit as much as you do. Be a little good to
me, sonny, for I'm dreadfully sad."
Jan held out her hand and Tony took it doubtfully. She drew him nearer.
"Try to be good to me, Tony, and love me a little ... it's all so hard."
"I'll be good," he said, gravely, "because I promised Mummy ... but I
can't love you yet--because--" here Tony sighed deeply, "I don't seem to
feel like it."
"Never mind," said Jan, lifting him on to her knee. "Never mind. I'll
love you an extra lot to make up."
"And Fay?" he asked.
"And Fay--we must both love Fay more than ever now."
"I do love Fay," Tony said, "because I'm used to her. She's been here a
long time...."
Suddenly his mouth went down at the corners and he leant against Jan's
shoulder to hide his face. "I do want Mummy so," he whispered, as the
slow, difficult tears welled over and fell. "I like so much to look at
her."
* * * * *
It was early afternoon, the hot part of the day. The children were
asleep and Jan sat on the big sofa, finishing a warm jersey for little
Fay to wear towards the end of the voyage. Peter, by means of every
scrap of interest he possessed, had managed to secure her a three-berth
cabin in a mail boat due to leave within the next fortnight. He insisted
that she must take Ayah, who was more than eager to go, and that Ayah
could easily get a passage back almost directly with people he knew who
were coming out soon after Jan got home. He had written to them, and
they would write to meet the boat at Aden.
There was nothing Peter did not seem able to arrange.
In the flat below a lady was singing the "Indian Love Lyrics" from the
"Garden of Khama." She had a powerful voice and sang with considerable
passion.
Less than the dust beneath thy chariot wheel,
Less than the rust that never stained thy sword.
Jan frowned and fidgeted.
The song went on, finished, and then the lady sang it all over again.
Jan turned on the electric fan, for it was extremely hot, and the strong
contralto voice made her feel even hotter. The whirr of the fan in no
way drowned the voice, which now went on to proclaim with much _brio_
that the temple bells were ringing and the month of marriages was
drawing near. And then, very slowly and solemnly, but quite as loudly as
before, came "When I am dying, lean over me tenderly----"
Jan got up and stamped. Then she went swiftly for her topee and gloves
and parasol, and fled from the bungalow.
Lalkhan rushed after her to ask if she wanted a "tikka-gharri." He
strongly disapproved of her walking in the streets alone, but Jan shook
her head. The lift-man was equally eager to procure one, but again Jan
defeated his desire and walked out into the hot street. Somehow she
couldn't bear "The Garden of Khama" just then. It was Hugo Tancred's
favourite verse, and was among the few books Fay appeared to possess,
Fay who was lying in the English cemetery, and so glad to be there ...
at twenty-five.
What was the good of life and love, if that was all it led to? In spite
of the heat Jan walked feverishly and fast, down the shady side of the
Mayo Road into Esplanade Road, where the big shops were, and, just then,
no shade at all.
The hot dust seemed to rise straight out of the pavement and strike her
in the face, and all the air was full of the fat yellow smell that
prevails in India when its own inhabitants have taken their mid-day
meal.
Each bare-legged gharri-man slumbered on the little box of his carriage,
hanging on in that amazingly precarious fashion in which natives of the
East seem able to sleep anywhere.
On Jan went, anywhere, anywhere away from the garden of Khama and that
travesty of love, as she conceived it. She remembered the day when she
thought them such charming songs and thrilled in sympathy with Fay when
Hugo sang them. Oh, why did that woman sing them to-day? Would she ever
get the sound out of her ears?
She had reached Churchgate Street, which was deserted and deep in shade.
She turned down and presently came to the Cathedral standing in its trim
garden bright with English flowers. The main door was open and Jan went
in.
Here the haunting love-lyrics were hushed. It was so still, not even a
sweeper to break the blessed peace.
Restlessly, Jan walked round the outer aisles, reading the inscriptions
on marble tablets and brasses, many of them dating back to the later
eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries. Men died young out in India
in those days; hardly any seemed to live beyond forty-two, many died in
the twenties. On nearly all the tablets the words "zeal" or "zealous"
regularly appeared. With regard to their performance of their duties
these dead and gone men who had helped to make the India of to-day had
evidently had a very definite notion as to their own purpose in life.
The remarks were guarded and remarkably free from exaggerated tributes
to the virtues they celebrated. One Major-General Bellasis was described
as "that very respectable Officer--who departed this life while he was
in the meritorious discharge of his duty presiding at the Military
Board." Others died "from exposure to the sun"; nearly all seemed to
have displayed "unremitting" or "characteristic zeal" in the discharge
of their duties.
Jan sat down, and gradually it seemed as though the spirits and souls of
those departed men, those ordinary everyday men--whose descendants might
probably be met any day in the Yacht Club now--seemed to surround her in
a great company, all pointing in one direction and with one voice
declaring, "This is the WAY."
Jan fell on her knees and prayed that her stumbling feet might be
guided upon it, that she should in no wise turn aside, however steep and
stony it might prove.
And as she knelt there came upon her the conviction that here was the
true meaning of life as lived upon the earth; just this, that each
should do his job.