act of married life is not always preluded in this way is found in
the _false view_ of what the _marriage ceremony means_, and a wrong
impression as to what it confers upon the parties who say "yes" to
its prescriptions. That is, the common idea is, that the taking of
"marriage vows" bestows certain _rights_ and imposes certain _duties_
upon the new husband and wife. It is thought that such ceremony makes
certain acts _right_ which would _otherwise_ be _wrong_, and that it
establishes the _right_ to engage in such acts, _with or without any
further consultation or consent in the premises_. It makes love a
matter of _contract_, a something _bound by promise and pledge rather
than a free and unfettered effusion of the soul_.
The result of this is that, whereas, before the marriage ceremony both
the man and woman take the utmost care to do everything in their power
to increase, magnify, and retain each other's love, after they
have been granted a "license," and the minister has put their hands
together and prayed over them--after this, they both think they have
a "_cinch_" on each other, that they are bound together by a bond that
cannot be broken, a tie so strong that it will need no further looking
after, but which will "stay put" of its own accord, and which
may therefore be let to shift for itself from the hour of its
pronouncement! Nothing _could be further from the truth than this is_.
And yet it is a common feeling and belief among young married people!
Nor is it any wonder that this should be so. The very form of the
marriage ceremony and contract tends to make it so. The fact that
marriage originated as a form of slavery, and that much of its
original status yet remains--all these things tend to establish these
wrong ideas regarding the estate, in the minds of the parties to it.
Nor are the evils that come from such wrong view of marriage all
confined to one side of the house. On the contrary, they are
about evenly divided between husbands and wives, witness a few
illustrations, as follows:
A couple had been married about a year. They had no children, nor
were there prospects of any. The husband was beginning to spend his
evenings away from home, leaving his wife alone. One evening, as he
was making ready to go out, his wife said: "What makes you go out
evenings now, and leave me alone! You didn't use to do it!" And the
husband replied:
"Why, you don't do anything to make it interesting for me now! You
used to put on your prettiest clothes when I came to see you, fixed
up your hair bewitchingly, had a smile for me that wouldn't come off,
would sing for me, read to me, sit on my lap and pet me and kiss me,
and now you never do anything of the kind." And before he could say
more, the wife responded: "_Oh, but we are married now, and it's your
duty to stay with me!_"
What wonder that the husband went out of the house, slamming the door
after him! The wonder is that he ever came back.
Again: A woman who was a graduate of a famous Eastern College and
who had taught for a number of years, who was from one of the "first
families" in the east, and was counted as a lady of the highest
culture and refinement, finally married a Western business man. On
their bridal night, as they were retiring, the man laid his hand on
the woman's bare shoulder, and she threw it off, and said: "Don't
be disgusting! I married you because I was tired of taking care of
myself, or of having my relatives take care of me. You are worth fifty
thousand dollars, and one-third of all that was made mine just as soon
as the preacher got through his closing prayer, and you can't help
it! That's the truth, and we are married, and you can make the best of
it!"
These are both truthful tales, nor are they the only ones of the sort
that could be told.
On the other hand, these are matched with acts of ignorant and
careless young husbands, who do dastardly deeds to their brides
because they think _the law_ and the _contract_ give them the right!
There is no need to go into details. The whole evil is revealed by the
words of the woman just quoted: "_Oh, but we are married now_."
These records, and all like them, lead to the remark that _marriage
confers no rights, to either the bride or the bridegroom, in the
highest meaning of the word_. So far as its outward and formal
observance is concerned, marriage is merely a sort of protection for
society which has grown up through the years, and which is probably
for the best, for the present, things being as they are. But it should
be well understood that it can _never_ lead to _true happiness_ if it
is viewed and utilized _merely_ on its _legal and formal side. True
marriage is based on mutual love; and mutual love can never be traded
upon, or made an item of formal agreement and contract._ People may
contract to live together and to cohabit, and they may faithfully
carry out their agreements; _but this is not marriage_! It is simply
_legalized prostitution, bargain and sale, for a consideration. It is
blasphemy to call it by the sacred name of marriage!_
Truly does Tennyson say: "Free love will not be bound." Indeed it
cannot be! It must remain forever free if it stays at all. And if the
parties to it try to bind it, the more chains, fastenings, pledges
and agreements they put upon it, the sooner and quicker will it escape
from all its holdings and fly away and _stay away_!
And so, to come back to where we left off (for we said there should be
no hurrying or haste here) let married people understand that the key
to married happiness is _to keep on "courting" each other_. Indeed,
to make courting continually grow to more and more. During the whole
extent of married life, never neglect, much less forget to be lovers,
and to show, _by all your acts_, that you are lovers, and great shall
be your reward. Don't ask how to do this! You know how, well enough.
Do it!
And be careful _not_ to do anything that a careful lover ought not
to do! This direction should be heeded by both husband and wife. Make
yourself beautiful for your husband, Oh, wife, and keep yourself so.
As between the public, or your friends, or society, give them what of
yourself you can spare, after you have given to your lover all that
you can bestow upon him, or he can wish you to bestow. Don't give
to everybody and everything else, church, society, work, children,
friends, or what-so-ever--don't give _all_ of yourself to these, and
let your husband "take what there is left." Don't do that, as you
value your married success and happiness! Don't say: "Oh, but we are
married now," and let it go at that!
The beautiful and delicate flowers of married love need to be watched
and tended with the most skilful care, _continually_, by both husband
and wife. Treated in this way, they will not only be fragrant and
lovely through all the years of wedded life; but as, one by one, the
blossoms shed their petals and change their forms so that luscious
fruits may come in turn--as these changes take place, new, more
beautiful and more fragrant flowers will continue to the very end of
the longest married life. Don't ever forget this, or doubt it, as you
hope for happiness in the marriage state! Mind what is here said, and
act accordingly _all the time_--days, nights and Sundays.
Now if these truths are thoroughly inculcated, "kicked in" so firmly
and deeply that they will never "jar loose" or get away, we will move
on.
So, then, the _first_ part of _every_ act of coitus should always be a
_courting_ act, in which there should be _no haste_, but in which the
parties should "_make delays_," as John Burroughs says.
And this should be added: that, for married lovers, courting has a far
wider range of possibilities than it has for the unmarried. Previous
to marriage, there are conventionalities and clothes in the way! After
that, neither of these need be in evidence, and this makes a lot of
difference, and all in favor of the best results, if rightly used,
and made the most of. One hardly need to go into details here, (though
this may be done later on in this writing). If the lovers will be as
free with each other unclothed as clothed; if they will utterly ignore
all conventionalities, and do with and for each other anything and
everything that their _impulses_ and _inclinations_ suggest, or
their desires prompt; if they will, _with the utmost abandon_ give
themselves up to petting each other in every possible way that _mother
nature_ has put within their reach; if they will hug and kiss and
"spoon" and "play with each other" just as they want to do--if they
will do this, and not _hurry_ about it--then, in due course, they
will successfully execute the _first act_ of the great play they are
performing; the sex organs will become fully ready for the union they
are both longing for; the "prostate flow" will have added to the erect
condition of the penis; the walls of the vagina and all the area
of the vulva will be enlarged, soft, flexible and made smooth and
slippery by a most generous supply of the "pre-coital secretion" and
everything will be in _perfect readiness_ for the next part of the
performance, namely the union of the organs.
And here it becomes necessary to say something about the position of
the parties in making such union. There are a large number of these
possible, some of which may be noted later, but here, only the most
common one will be considered (it is said there are more than forty
different positions possible in this act).
The most common position is for the woman to lie flat on her back,
with her legs spread wide apart, and her knees drawn up so that the
angle made by the upper and lower part of the leg shall be less than
a right angle. Her head should not be too high, there should be no
pillow under it.
Into her arms, and between her spread legs as she lies thus, her lover
should come. His body will thus be over and above her, and _he should
sustain himself on his elbows and knees_, so that little or _none_ of
his weight may rest upon her. In this position, face to face (and
it should be noted that only in the human family is this position of
coitus possible! Among mere animals, the male is always upon the back
of the female. They--mere animals--can never look each other in the
eye and kiss each other during the act! This is another marked and
very significant difference between human beings and all other animals
in this regard) it is perfectly natural and easy for the organs to
go together, when properly made ready, as here-before described. The
woman should also place her heels in the knee-hollows of her lover's
legs, and clasp his body with her arms.
The entrance of the penis into the vagina should not be too abrupt,
unless circumstances are perfectly favorable for such meeting and it
is _the wish of the wife_ that it be made in this way. It is only
fair to say, though, that such bold and pronounced entrance is often
_greatly desired by the woman_, if her passion has been fully aroused
at this stage of the act. Such union is not infrequently of the
greatest delight to her, if everything is favorable for its being
so made. But, if there is any pain produced in her by the coming
together, the meeting should be gentle and slow, the penis working its
way into the vagina by degrees, till, finally, it is entirely encased
therein. Once thus happily together, the vagina and uterine cavity
will still further expand, till, in due order, the two organs will be
fitted together perfectly, a single unit, _one_, in the highest sense
of unity.
This is the _second_ act in this wonderful play.
Once well together, and the organs perfectly settled and adapted
to each other, the _third_ act begins, namely, _the motion of the
organs_--the sliding of the penis back and forth, partly in and out of
the vagina, though this is not really the best way of describing just
what should take place. What _should_ actually be done is, that the
_two_ organs should engage in this motion, which is _common to them
both_. They should _mutually_ slip a few inches, back and forth, _each
party to the motion doing a fair half_.
It is often supposed, by both an uninitiated husband and an "innocent"
wife, that all the motion should originate with the husband--that
he should slide his penis in and out of the vagina, while the woman
should lie still and "_let him do it all_." This is, however, a
_great_ mistake, and one that has caused an endless amount of ill to
untold numbers of husbands and wives. And for the following reasons:
In the position just described, if the wife has her arms around her
lover's body and her heels in his knee-pockets, while he supports
himself by his elbows and knees over and above her, resting _none_ of
his weight upon her, it is perfectly easy for her to lift her hips up
and down, or sway them from side to side, or swing them in a circling
"round-and-round" motion, as she may choose to do. She can thus
_originate_ her half of the in-and-out motion--a something she will
delight to do, _if given a fair chance._ If, however, the man lies
heavily upon her, holding her down with the weight of his body, the
possibility of such action on her part is prevented, and this results
disastrously to both parties. And so, in this part of the act, the
husband should take the _utmost care_ to give his wife the _full and
complete freedom_ to move her hips as she chooses, and as a successful
climax demands that she should.
Now if the wife be left free to move, as just described, and the
in-and-out motion proceeds as it should, what immediately follows will
vary in a great degree. Thus, the time taken to reach the climax, or
last act of the performance, may be a few seconds, or several minutes,
may require a mere half dozen motions, or _several hundred!_ All
depends on the intensity of the passions of the husband and wife,
especially the latter, and their skill in manipulating this part of
the act.
The effect of this motion is to still further excite and still more
distend all the organs involved. Normally, the motion grows faster and
faster, the strokes becoming as long as the length of the organs will
possibly permit without separating them. The flow of the lubricating
fluids, from both organs, becomes more and more copious, till, all at
once, the orgasm, or _fourth stage_, is reached!
It is difficult to describe what this orgasm is like. There is no
bodily sensation that at all corresponds to it, unless it be a sneeze,
and this is only like it in that it is spontaneous, and a sort of
nervous spasm (a sneeze is sometimes spoken of as an orgasm). A sexual
orgasm is a nervous spasm, or a series of pulsating nervous explosions
which defy description. The action is entirely beyond the control of
the will, when it finally arrives, and the sensation it produces is
delectable beyond telling. It is the topmost pinnacle of all human
experiences. For a husband and wife to reach this climax, at exactly
the same instant, is a consummation that can never be excelled in
human life. It is a goal worthy the endeavor of all husbands and
wives, to attain to this supreme height of sexual possibilities.
On the part of the man, the orgasm throws the semen into, and all
about the vaginal-uterine tract. The amount of semen thus discharged
at a single climax is about a tablespoonful, enough to entirely flush
and flood the area into which it is thrown. Its use and action there
have already been described, and so need not be repeated here.
On the part of the woman, the orgasm causes no corresponding emission
of fluid, of any sort, that is jetted forth as is the semen. Yet the
spasmodic action of the sexual parts, so far as nervous explosions are
concerned, is exactly like that of her partner. Palpitation follows
palpitation, through all the sexual area; the mouth of the womb opens
and closes convulsively, the vagina dilates and contracts again and
again, and the vulva undergoes similar actions. The sensations are
all of the most delectable nature, the whole of the woman's body being
thrilled, over and over, again and again, with delights inexpressible.
This, however, seems to be the entire mission of the orgasm in woman.
_It has nothing whatever to do with conception_; though many people,
especially young husbands who know just a little about the phenomenon,
believe that it is an _essential_ to pregnancy. _But such is by no
means the case._ All that is needed to bring about conception in a
woman is the presence of the ovum in the uterus, and its meeting semen
there, and so becoming fertilized. So far as becoming pregnant is
concerned, the _woman_ need have _no pleasure at all_ in the act of
coitus. Indeed, women have been made pregnant by securing fresh semen
from some man and injecting it into the vagina with an ordinary female
syringe!
The false idea, which largely prevails, and which usually takes the
form that there is no danger or possibility of conception unless the
orgasm is _simultaneous on the part of the man and woman_, has caused
many a woman to become pregnant when she thought such a result to
be impossible, because she and her lover did not "spend" at the same
instant. For the same reason, many a young husband has impregnated his
wife when he least expected to do so, thinking that because he alone
experienced the orgasm, that therefore conception was impossible.
Again, there are many married men and women who do not know that it is
possible for a woman to experience an orgasm at all! The writer once
knew a case of this kind, where a husband and wife, most intelligent
and well cultivated people, lived together for twenty years, and to
whom were born six children, who, at the end of that time were
wholly unaware of such possibility! They afterwards discovered it by
accident, as it were, and after that enjoyed its delights for many
years. There are some, yea, many, women who never experience this
sensation at all, but of this more will be said later.
All these phenomena seem to indicate the fact that, so far as women
are concerned, _the orgasm is entirely for her delectation and
delight. It forms no part of the act of conception_, and its only
possible function, beyond that of pleasure, is that, because of the
exceedingly delightful sensations it produces, it may lure women to
engage in coitus when, but for this fact, they would not do so, and
that it thus increases the possibility of women becoming mothers.
Indeed, there is no stronger temptation to a woman to run the risk of
becoming pregnant than her desire to experience an orgasm! But more of
this later.
As soon as the orgasm is over, a total collapse of the husband and
wife takes place. They are truly "spent," a most expressive word,
which alone can describe their condition. On the part of the man
the up-to-this-moment stout penis, becomes almost instantly limp
and shrunken, while all the female organs become quiescent. A most
delightful languor steals over them; every nerve and fibre of the
whole body relaxes; and a desire to fall asleep at once, comes upon
them irresistibly. And the thing for them to do is to avail themselves
of such natural impulse, just as soon as possible. They should always
have at hand, and within easy reach, a towel, or napkin, with which
to care for the surplus of the seminal emission, which, as soon as the
organs are separated, will, in greater or less quantity, flow from the
vagina. Some of the same fluid will also remain upon the penis when
it is withdrawn. The husband should absorb this surplus which remains
with him with the towel, as soon as the organs are parted, and
immediately leave his super-imposed position, leaving his wife
_perfectly free_, to do as she will. She should arrange the towel
between her thighs, exactly as she would a sanitary napkin, making no
attempt to remove the surplus semen at that time, and turn over and go
to sleep _immediately_. (It is said that if the woman goes to sleep on
her _back_, after coition, she thereby increases the _probability_,
of becoming pregnant. This is a point that women who greatly desire
motherhood should note. The writer knew one case where a wife lay on
her back for twenty-four hours after coition and so became pregnant
after all other means had failed.)
Now it might seem that such neglect, on the part of the woman, to
immediately remove the surplus semen, was uncleanly and unsanitary.
But this is not at all true, and for this reason: _The semen is a most
powerful stimulant to all the female sex-organs, and to the whole body
of the woman_. The organs themselves will absorb quantities of semen,
if left in contact with it, and it is most healthful and beneficial to
them, and to the woman, to have them do so. It is for this cause that
many women increase in flesh, and even grow fat after they are married
and so can avail themselves of this _healthful food._ As a matter
of fact, _there is no nerve-stimulant, or nerve-quieter, that is as
potent to woman-kind as semen_. There are multitudes of "nervous"
women, hysterical even, who are restored to health, and kept in good
health, through the stimulative effects of satisfactory coitus and the
absorption of semen, when both these items are present in perfection.
On the other hand, there are many women who suffer all sorts of ills,
when these normally beneficial factors are misused or wrongly applied.
The results that follow all depend upon the way the act is done, and
its products utilized.
So, after the act of coition is over, let the woman slip a "bandage"
into place as soon as possible, and go to sleep. If she sleeps long,
so much the better, so much more will she be benefited by the presence
of the semen and its absorption. When she naturally wakens, she may
bathe the vulva region with warm water; but there is no need of, nor
is it wise to try to cleanse the vagina and the uterine tract by the
use of a vaginal syringe. Above all, never inject cold water into the
vagina, especially do not do this immediately after coitus. Some women
use a cold water injection immediately after coitus. There is no surer
way to ill health and ultimate suicide. The parts are congested with
blood at such times, and to pour _cold_ water upon them is as though,
when one is dripping with perspiration, he should plunge into a cold
bath. Nature has made wise provision for taking care of all the semen
that remains in the vagina. Let the parts alone, and they will cleanse
and care for themselves.
Such, then, is a somewhat extended review of the act of coitus at its
best estate, and in a general way. _Its perfect accomplishment is an
art to be cultivated, and one in which expertness can only be attained
by wise observation, careful study of all the factors involved, and a
loving adaptation of the bodies, minds and souls of both the parties
to the act. It is no mere animal function._ It is a _union_, a _unity_
of "two _souls_ with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as
one." There is nothing low or degrading about it, when it is what it
ought to be, when it is brought to, and experienced at, its highest
and best estate. It is _God-designed, God-born, God-bestowed!_ As such
it should be thankfully received and _divinely used_ by all the sons
and daughters of men.
VII
THE FIRST UNION
And now, although so much has been said, there is much that remains to
be said, and which ought to be said, to do the subject justice. Some
of these things are as follows:
Something more ought to be told about the second part of the act of
coitus, the union of the organs, when this occurs for the _first_ time
on the part of the woman.
At the first meeting of the husband and wife, if the woman be a
virgin, there are certain conditions which exist, on her part, that
are not present in after-meetings, and these must be understood and
rightly dealt with, or the worst of bad results may ensue.
Of course, at such first meeting, all the preliminaries prescribed as
forming the _first_ movement of the act should be carried out _to the
limit_. It is not too much to say that these should be prolonged for
_some days_! Do not start, young husband, at this statement! Well did
Alexander Dumas, père, write: "Oh, young husband, have a care in the
first overtures you make toward your bride! She may shrink from what
she feels must come; she may put her hands over her eyes to shut out
the sight; but do not forget that she is a woman, and so is filled
with _curiosity_, under any and all circumstances! And you may set it
down as sure, that, though she blinds herself with her hands as she
scales the dizzy heights you are leading her over, nevertheless,
_she will peek through her fingers!_ So she will watch you with most
critical eyes, and note every show of _selfishness or blundering on
your part! So have a care!_ You may think you are aiming your arrow
at the sun. See to it that it does not alight in the mud!" Good words
these, and to be heeded, come what may!