ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN
ONE may be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for
others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual, and minor
maxims are to a large extent unnecessary. Of course, the child will
still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show
consideration, but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts
which make for the comfort and well-being of others.
Habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives, and
the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous. Boys
should be taught to take off their caps to their elders, both in the
family and in the circle of friends, when they meet them on the
street. They should rise when ladies enter the room, and remain
standing until all are seated.
An important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away
his own garments and to clear up after his play or work. If this is
instilled early into the child, there will never be any need of the
pain of counteracting slovenliness, and also never any of that
disagreeable haughtiness toward servants, which is fostered by nothing
so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child.
The child who has been made a companion of, and not repressed or
driven away by the older people of the family, has a sort of
instinctive respect for them, which, though it may overstep itself in
some daring familiarity occasionally, is the basis of a strong
authority over him. The child who has been spied on, and whose idea of
all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen, will show
respect only under compulsion, and will fail in all those fine
courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in.
Self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in
the child. To permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when
one is trying to amuse or entertain, to be impatient to get at the end
of a story or a game, to keep yawning; or making other expressions of
weariness when being reproved or reprimanded, cultivates in the child
a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite,--parrot-like
facility for chattering and asking questions, which gives a child no
chance to think, and makes him develop into a man of only surface
intelligence and thoughtless flippancy. Even a child can appreciate,
if rightly taught, the motive back of a kind action, and can respect
that even if the action does not interest him.
On the other hand, it is a serious matter to allow a child to be
constantly bored with lectures on his conduct, or even with efforts to
amuse him. He should be let alone, thrown upon his own resources, and
not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but
futile efforts on his behalf.
Children should never be allowed to interrupt. For that reason
parents, and those who have the care of children, should remember not
to monopolize the conversation when there are children present, nor
talk on and on for a long time, as no person, least of all a child,
can follow such continuous talk without weariness.
Children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their
questions for them, that they should wait and see if the answer will
not be given by something that is said later on. Every effort made to
drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort
in the right direction; just as every effort made to express and
reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's
benefit.
The sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence, nor his
doings related. He becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby.
A child should be taught to respect the rights of the father and
mother to the easiest chairs in the room, or those which they may
prefer, and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and
mother are seated elsewhere.
The boy who has been brought up at home, both by precept and by his
father's example, never to seat himself at the dining table or in the
family sitting-room until his mother is seated, will not need to be
told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to
an elderly woman. He will do it so instinctively that it will not be a
burden,--indeed, the regret would be more keen if he could not do it.
If children are present at the dining table, it is wiser to help them
first, and the grown people last, than the reverse. In everything it
is well to follow the etiquette of adult life, as, for instance, by
helping the girls before the boys.
Children should be taught to be punctual at meals, not simply for the
sake of health, but out of consideration for the cook and for those
who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them. They should not be
allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at
play, although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through.
There is no value in making them the bored, squirming, or subdued
listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehension or
interest. They should be taught to eat leisurely, and to regard the
mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting
things, and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if
possible.
Usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the
beginning of school life. Then, most profitably, may be cultivated a
sense of the rights of others, and of his individual responsibility
toward the social group, represented for him by his teacher and
schoolmates. If the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his
not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher, he will naturally
find many ways in which he may apply the same thought, greatly to his
own advantage and to theirs as well, and to the permanent
strengthening of his habits of work.
A keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent
heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children. This is as easily
cultivated as is the opposite, and is of great importance both in
childhood and in later life. The seeming injustice of the teacher may
often be made clear, and seen to be just, when the welfare of the
whole school is taken into consideration. This is a matter of the
natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon, and if the proper
spirit has been fostered, the child will welcome it. Should it be done
carefully and wisely, the roots of many social weeds will at once be
eliminated.
Fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home. It is never
the best method of fault correction, and should not be countenanced.
The bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates, in a
spirit of complaint, should not be permitted. Pleasant accounts of
happenings at school should be encouraged, but grumbling against
rules, as well as personal gossip, should not be permitted. The
authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the
child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs
in order to meet the experiences of life.
The child should be allowed a certain sum of money, which, even in the
most lavish homes, should be a little under what the wants of the
child require. The giving of this money should be done regularly at a
stated time, and there should never be any extra giving, or increase
of the usual sum, except under very unusual circumstances, which
should not be allowed to happen more than once a year.
The child should also be held accountable for his money. If he is old
enough to have any money, or to spend any, he is old enough to tell
how he spent it, even to the last penny. Unless all is accounted for,
the habits of accuracy and care are not formed. The record of this
should be written down, even if done very simply and without special
form, and later, as the child grows older, more conventional forms of
bookkeeping should be required.
It should be also required that there be some saving, which is
preferably a certain proportion of the whole, this for a beginning to
which to add extra sums as the child may wish. This saved sum should
be permanently put by, and drawing from it should not be permitted. It
may be transferred to a bank at long intervals, always by the child
himself, and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be
cultivated.
These matters may all be made a game and sheer fun. Their grave
importance is apparent on every hand. For the child which has been
taught early to do these things, will do them with such ease as to
make it seem instinctive, and the child who does it will never, under
any ordinary circumstances, come to want.
The proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to
inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed. A
child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort, and if the
reason for it is made clear to him, he will be quicker to respond to
it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person. Even
the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed, if he sees
that others are, and if he knows the reason for it.
Children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve
guests, whether their own or their parents. The sacrifice of one's own
comfort for the sake of the guest takes, with a child, the form of a
sort of play, usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a
stranger, and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the
stranger's stay.
The child should be taught respect for the guest's person, and should
not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that
sometimes the mother or aunts permit, no matter how great the novelty
of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty. The
privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected, and the
child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a
guest.
Children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane,
or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house, or show by
ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child, in unaccustomed
surroundings, naturally feels. They can be taught so great a respect
for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle
their curiosity, or express it only at a fitting time.
Children should not be sent to the drawing-room to entertain
visitors, unless the visitors request it themselves. Nor should they
be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time, any
more than servants should be allowed to be insolent. They should never
be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests, nor to visit them
often or long.
Children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their
elders when, to do so, would be to spoil the kind of sociability for
which the occasion was intended. At all formal functions, children are
out of place. When making formal calls, children are usually in the
way, and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for
them. They are also out of place at a funeral, or in a cemetery, or
anywhere that there is mourning. It is an injury to a child to see
grief,--unless it be his great concern, and in that case it is no
longer a matter of etiquette, but of necessary life experience.
Children should not dine out except by special invitation. It is as
discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a
neighbor, as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited
visits are permissible.
A child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it,
except with the express permission of the owner. This applies to goods
in a store, as well as to the furniture of places other than his
home, and to the belongings of others in his home.
A child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive, a walk, a call,
or a conversation. It is unfair to the child, and awkward for him, and
is no kindness, as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise
derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his
self-respect, or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger
point.
Children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties, unless they
have been invited and entertainment prepared for them.
Children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness
with which they treat their elders, and with much more consideration.
The converse of the servants with children should be of the same
careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire.
This may well be insisted upon. On the other hand, the children should
be taught that servants are busy people, that they should never be
imposed upon, and that unnecessary work should not be made for them.