from the society with which she last associated, it was perpetually
varying from gay to grave and from grave to gay; her spirits would
occasionally rise to the highest mirth, and then sink to the
lowest depression; sometimes she appeared open and bland, at other
times reserved and gloomy; alternately devoting herself to the
pleasures of the world, and the external exercises of religion, it
was not till after she became a new creature in Christ Jesus, that
her most intimate friends could ascertain the real cause of such
extraordinary changeableness in her character.
The impressions of Divine truth on the heart, when produced by a
supernatural power, are deep and permanent; but when they claim
no higher origin than the agency of man, they soon pass away like
the morning cloud and early dew, and leave no trace of their
existence. They may, during their continuance, induce an order
of thought and reflection, in strict accordance with the general
tenor of the Scriptures, but they effect no real change in the
heart or character. As they bear a resemblance when they are first
received, and at successive periods, to the operations of the Holy
Spirit, they are frequently mistaken for them, and a profession of
religion made under their influence is often abandoned as soon as
they subside. Hence the annals of the Christian church record the
names of many who have outlived their avowed attachment to the faith
of Christ; and the most awful passages of the sacred volume are
directed against those who, after pleading its promises, with the
hope of obtaining eternal life, relapse into a course of worldliness
or infidelity.
It was under a trembling apprehension of the transitory nature of
her religious convictions and feelings, that Miss Holmes formed a
resolution to make no reference to them, till by a process of trial
she had acquired some satisfactory evidence of their permanency.
She remembered an observation which she once heard the venerable
Newton make, when preaching on the parable of the sower:--"Genuine
religion is distinguished from that which is spurious, not so much
by the dissimilarity of its first impressions, as by its power to
resist temptation, and to bring the dispositions of the heart into
subjection to the authority of Jesus Christ."
Her indisposition, though severe and protracted, was at no
period considered dangerous; it kept her away from the scenes
of gaiety to which she would otherwise have been exposed, and
gave her an opportunity of devoting her attention more calmly
and dispassionately to that subject which now began to appear
pre-eminently interesting and important. She knew that her sins
were more in number than she could calculate, and that the sentence
of condemnation which stood recorded against her might be executed
without any impeachment of the justice or benevolence of God; but
such was the strength of her faith in the efficacy of the Saviour's
death, and in the power of his intercession, that she "was filled
with all peace in believing, abounding in hope, through the power of
the Holy Ghost." Her transition from a state of nature to a state of
grace--from vain and passing pleasures to those of religion--from
the delusive charms of the visible to the more attractive glories of
the unseen world, was sudden, but tranquil--unattended by those deep
convictions of guilt and that overpowering apprehension of future
condemnation which sometimes torture and distract the mind of the
young disciple. This was primarily owing to the accurate knowledge
of the scheme of salvation which she had acquired by sitting under
the enlightened ministry of Mr. Newton; for while it must not be
concealed, that the beginning and consummation of personal religion
in the heart is to be attributed to the immediate action of a
supernatural power, yet it is equally evident that its progress in
allaying the fear that produceth torment, in instilling the peace
which passeth all understanding, and in elevating and fixing the
affections on things above, is usually in proportion to the accuracy
and extent of the theological information which is possessed.
"Many," says an interesting writer, "are too prone to look for a
conversion always uniform, not only in its effects, but in its
operation, and too much bordering on the miraculous. The soul
must be first overwhelmed with fear--then pierced by grief and
anguish--then plunged into despair--then suddenly filled with hope,
and peace, and joy; and the person must be able to determine the day
on which, and the sermon, or the paragraph, or the providence by
which the change was wrought. But this is by no means necessarily,
or generally the case. There is a variety in the temperaments
and habits of men, and in the methods employed to bring them to
repentance. We should remember that there are differences of
administration, but the same Lord; that often he prefers to the
earthquake, the wind, and the fire, the small still voice; that he
can draw by the cords of love and the bands of a man; that he can
work as effectually by slow as by instantaneous exertions; and that
he may change the soul in a manner so gradual and mild, as to be
scarcely discernible to any but the glorious Author. And here we
are furnished with evidence from analogy. In nature some of God's
works insensibly issue in others, and it is impossible for us to
draw the line of distinction. The path of the just is as the shining
light, which shineth more and more unto the perfect day. But who
can ascertain which ray begins, or which ends the dawn? If you
are unable to trace the progress of the Divine life, judge by the
result. When you perceive the effects of conversion, never question
the cause. And if perplexed by a number of circumstantial inquiries,
be satisfied if you are able to say, One thing I know, that whereas
I was once blind, now I see."
The chastened seriousness of spirit which Miss Holmes exhibited, and
the new course of reading which she adopted, induced the family to
suppose that she was taking a religious turn, though she cautiously
abstained from making any reference to it. She felt convinced that
some essential change had taken place, yet at times she doubted if
it was anything more than the effect of her own spontaneous thoughts
and reflections; and as she had, more than once, experienced a
mental excitement of a similar nature, she rejoiced with trembling.
She knew that the righteous hold on their way, because they are kept
by the power of God through faith unto salvation; but as she was
often perplexed, when endeavouring to ascertain whether she belonged
to that specific denomination of character, she could not anticipate
the issue of her impressions with unmingled satisfaction. She felt a
distaste for those objects of pursuit and sources of gratification
which had acquired such a powerful ascendency over her; and now she
longed to partake of the more refined enjoyment which results from
communion with the members of the household of faith and the public
exercises of devotion; but she dreaded the prospect of coming into
contact with the world, lest another relapse of feeling should take
place, which would leave her still more insensible than ever to the
unseen realities of eternity.
The Saviour, in his various offices, was now precious to her, as he
is to all them that believe. She dwelt with holy awe and delight
on that union of majesty and condescension, purity and compassion,
justice and grace, which he displays in his mediatorial character;
but she was apprehensive, that when exposed to the rival influence
of temporal pursuits, her mind would again be enslaved by their
charms, and she would lose the relish she now felt for her new
themes of contemplation and enjoyment.
Thus it is wisely ordained, that at every period in the experience
of the Christian, there shall be some circumstances to perplex
his judgment--some uncertainty to darken his prospect--some
apprehensions to disturb his peace, to convince him that here
'perfect bliss cannot be found;' and that no attainments, however
high--that no anticipations, however bright and animating--are
capable, while we are encompassed with infirmities, of yielding
unmingled satisfaction and delight. At times Miss Holmes felt very
anxious to disclose to some one the change through which her mind
was now passing, that she might have the advantage of Christian
sympathy and guidance; but the perplexing question was, to whom
should she make the communication. She often thought of speaking
to her mother, but when she made the attempt, her courage failed
her. At length she addressed the following letter to her friend
Mrs. Loader, who had evinced so much solicitude for her spiritual
welfare:--
"THE ELMS, _16th Oct., 18--_.
"MY DEAR FRIEND,--I am much obliged by your affectionate
epistle, which I received on the 10th; and I regret that you
should deem any apology necessary for the introduction of that
specific advice which it contains. My obvious indifference to
the momentous question of personal religion, and my growing
conformity to the customs and habits of the gay world, must,
I have no doubt, have given you very considerable uneasiness;
and I assure you that it often plunged me into the deepest
depression of spirit. I was often cheerful, but never happy;
often trying fresh expedients to divert my attention from what
I deemed _the gloomy subject_, but never could succeed; and
though I became more insensible to the attractions of religion
as I grew in years, yet I exposed myself more frequently to
the keenness of its reproofs and the awful terrors of its
threatenings. My associates, who had not had the privilege of a
pious education, could enjoy the world, and treat with levity
the prohibitory injunctions of the Scriptures, but I could not.
I never could divest myself of the full conviction that God has
the first claim on the affections of the heart; and that he has
appointed a day when every human being 'must appear before the
judgment-seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things
done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be
good or bad.' These thoughts would rush into my mind, not only
when alone, but also when in the midst of the gayest company,
and by no expedient could I succeed in driving them away.
"It was under the most agonizing mental conflict I ever
sustained, that I hailed our tour to the west as likely to
dissolve the fatal charm by which I was subdued and enslaved;
but I found, on my return, that my _heart_ had undergone no
change, as I often secretly anticipated a re-entrance into
those scenes which my conscience so severely condemned. I once
heard Mr. Newton remark, that as our dangers often spring out
of our comforts, so the greatest blessings sometimes grow out
of our heaviest afflictions. The correctness of this remark I
can _now_ attest from experience. It was on our return from
Devonshire that I met with the accident which has confined me a
close prisoner for more than two months; but to that accident
which I called disastrous, I owe all my present happiness and my
prospect of eternal glory.
"You express a hope that I have given the book which you so
kindly presented to me, a candid perusal, presuming that no
season can be more favourable for such subjects of inquiry than
those which we denominate afflictive. Yes, my dear friend, I
have read it, though I felt such a reluctance to do so that I
put it from me several times; and had not my word stood pledged
to read it, I had still been a stranger to its soul-stirring
contents. I read on carelessly till I came to the tenth chapter,
when the subject fixed my attention, and I hope penetrated
my heart. Then I _felt_ that I was a sinner--then I _felt_
that I stood solitary and alone, in the immediate presence of
my Legislator and my Judge, confounded, because righteously
condemned--then I _felt_ that I needed a Saviour. I have had
many strong convictions of the truth and the necessity of
religion in the earlier seasons of my life; but those produced
on this occasion were more clear, and full, and impressive, than
any that ever preceded them. They came with an authority which
I could not resist; they prevented all vacillation of mind,
and constrained me, with a force which I had no disposition to
withstand, to yield to their power; and though my evil heart
of unbelief would sometimes suggest that all is a delusion,
artfully practised on my imagination by Satan, who sometimes
transforms himself into an angel of light, yet I can say, in
reference to Him who is the chief among ten thousand--'Whom
having not seen, I love; in whom, though now I see him not, yet
believing, I rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.'
"When, my dear friend, I received that present from your hand,
I did not calculate on the effects which it was ordained to
produce; for though I feel unworthy of the notice of the Friend
of sinners, yet, on reviewing the recent change which has taken
place in my sentiments, my taste, and my feelings, I cannot
avoid ascribing it to his sovereign and predetermined will.
But though I am fully convinced that a great change has been
produced, yet I must not conceal from you the dread I sometimes
feel lest it should prove only a momentary excitement. I now can
see the vanity of the world; but shall I do so when I am again
able to go about? I now can consecrate myself to the service of
the Redeemer; but shall I have courage to take up the cross and
follow him, when again enticed to mingle with the gay votaries
of fashion? It is not my province to dictate to infinite Wisdom,
nor prescribe the method by which my religious principles shall
be tried; but it is my earnest, and my daily prayer, to be kept
within the walls of my solitary retreat, till He whose I am, and
whom I wish to serve, has prepared me to resist every temptation
by which I may be assailed, and to perform every duty which may
devolve upon me.
"Now that I have given you this explanation, you will doubtless
be able to account for that singular variation in my disposition
and manners, which you must have so often noticed; but if
you had known the strange revulsion of feeling to which my
poor unhappy mind was perpetually subjected, you would have
considered it as perfectly natural. I am by nature a child
of imitation--apt to catch the spirit and temper of those
with whom I come into contact--easily captivated by imposing
manners--averse to all appearance of singularity--volatile and
impetuous in my disposition; yet at the early age of twelve,
I was so powerfully impressed with the truth and necessity of
personal piety, that I do not think I ever spent a day without
giving it my most serious attention. Hence, when carried away
by the example of others to scenes of gaiety, my spirits would
naturally rise to a high pitch of feeling, yet on returning to
my graver and more important subjects of reflection, I felt so
abased and confounded--so terrified and alarmed in prospect of
futurity, that I could scarcely endure the anguish I was doomed
to suffer. I do not know that I can better describe the state of
my mind, than by quoting the language of Dr. Watts, with a few
slight alterations:--
'I was a helpless captive, sold
Under the power of sin:
I could not do the good I would,
Nor keep my conscience clean.
'My God, I cry'd with fervent breath,
For some kind power to save,
To break the yoke of sin and death,
And thus redeem the slave.'
"The charge which is often brought against religion, as
tending to abridge our comforts, and induce a melancholy and
dejection of spirit, I can repel from experience. Infallible
Truth declares, that her ways are ways of pleasantness, and her
paths are paths of peace; and now I know, and feel it. My mind,
which has been tossed about on the surging billows of doubt and
perplexity, has at last gained that haven of rest, where, I
trust, it is destined to remain.
"No one of my family has any knowledge of the present state
of my feelings, as I have cautiously abstained from making
any allusion to religious subjects; not because I am ashamed
of religion, but because I am unwilling to make a premature
profession; and though perhaps you may censure me for
withholding from my dear parents a communication which is so
calculated to give them pleasure, yet if I should be permitted,
after having made it, to relapse into my former course of
gaiety and folly, the disappointment will be so great that it
may entail on them perpetual sorrow. Pray that I may be kept
in the evil hour--that I may be enabled to walk circumspectly
towards them that are without--that I may have courage to make
a profession of my attachment to the Lord Jesus, and grace to
adorn it, and at length be presented faultless before the
presence of his glory, with exceeding joy.
"I need not say how acceptable another letter from you would be;
but I certainly should prefer a personal interview, if you could
make it convenient to pay us a visit. I am happy to inform you
that I am much better, and that all the rest of the family are
well.--Yours affectionately,
LOUISA.
"To Mrs. Loader."
True piety does not act to be seen of men, nor speak to gain their
applause; but though for a season it may remain unobserved, yet
the meekness of its spirit and the lustre of its character are
marks by which it will always indubitably be known. For the reasons
which have been previously assigned, Miss Holmes had abstained
from communicating to her family the change which had taken place
in her sentiments and feelings; but she was not able to conceal
from them the external proofs of it which her conduct and her
occasional conversation necessarily supplied. As she was reserved on
the subject, so were her parents; and though they felt anxious to
ascertain if her great seriousness of manners was anything more than
a recurrence of her former deep depression of spirit, yet they knew
not how to do it.
It often happens that young persons can make a more free statement
of their religious experience to strangers or distant friends
than they can to their own parents; but this in general argues
some essential defect in the bringing up and arrangements of the
family. There may be, I grant, on the part of the child, in the
earlier stages of his experience, a reluctance to disclose to any
one "the secret movements and operations of his heart towards the
best of Beings;" but if Christian parents were to incorporate, in
their course of religious instruction, the habit of a free and
unreserved conversation on the practical effects of truth, and if
they would occasionally retire with their children, to pray _with
them_ and _for them_, specifically and alone, it would imperceptibly
beget such a union and intimacy of spirit, that _they_ would be
no less anxious to unburden to them the anxieties and sorrows of
their heart, than the parent would feel delighted to become their
spiritual counsellor and friend.
When Miss Holmes was sitting with her mother, one Sabbath evening,
an allusion happened to be made to the sermon which had been
preached at church, and with which Mrs. Holmes expressed her
dissatisfaction. "Perhaps," remarked Louisa, "it would be difficult
to procure a more pleasant residence than our own, or one which
is more conducive to our general health; but I assure you that I
often deplore the consequences which must inevitably result, from
our being deprived of the privilege of attending an evangelical
ministry."
"It gives me pleasure, my dear, to hear you deplore the loss of such
a privilege, as it is a proof that you value it."
"Yes, Mamma, I do value it, but now, alas! I have no prospect of
enjoying it. Yet I feel more for others, than I feel for myself,
especially for the junior members of our family; as I fear, now that
they are removed from the restraints which pure evangelical truth
imposes on the heart and conscience, they will devote themselves
to the pleasures of the world, which will give them a distaste for
those of religion."
"And does my dear Louisa then prefer the pleasures of religion to
those of the world?"
"I trust, Mamma, I do; though I am almost afraid to speak with
confidence on such a delicate and important question. I know from
past experience, that there may be deep religious impressions, and
powerful religious excitement, even while the heart retains all
its evil propensities and antipathies; but I hope it hath pleased
God to employ my late affliction as the means of bringing me into
fellowship with himself, and his Son Jesus Christ. I murmured when
he smote me, but now I can say, 'I know, O Lord, that thy judgments
are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me. Before I
was afflicted I went astray; but now have I kept thy word.'"
"Both your father and I have thought," said Mrs. Holmes, "that God
was dealing graciously with your soul, and we have often prayed
that you might come out of this affliction a new creature in Christ
Jesus; yet we could not overcome the strange reluctance we felt to
speak to you on the subject; but as it hath pleased God to answer
our prayers, I must convey the glad tidings to your father, who will
embrace you as one alive from the dead."
"As you have drawn me into a premature disclosure on this subject,
I certainly cannot object to your communicating to my dear father
the substance of our conversation, but I must request that you will
take no notice of it to any other person. For if I should now make
a profession of religion, and on the return of health and energy,
should relapse into my former course of gaiety and folly, I shall do
essential injury to others."
"But, my dear, you may be 'confident of this very thing, that he
which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of
Jesus Christ.'"
"Yes, I know, that when the work of grace is begun, it will be
carried on, notwithstanding the various impediments which may
obstruct its progress, or the artifices which may be employed by
the great adversary to effect its destruction; but I am not quite
satisfied that what I feel _is_ the work of grace. It may be nothing
more than the effect of my own fears; and if so, it will disappear
as soon as they subside; or it may be the necessary consequence of
that train of serious thought and reflection, which a lengthened
indisposition generally originates; and if so, every trace of its
existence will be obliterated, when I again intermingle in the
pursuits of active life."
"But have you not, my dear Louisa, _tasted_ that the Lord is
gracious, as well as _felt_ his terrors which have made you afraid?
and can you, on cool reflection, suppose that He will ever abandon
you, now that you have surrendered your heart to him?"
"I have felt none of the terrors of religion, which may be an
essential defect in my experience; and the excitements which I have
ascribed to the love of God shed abroad in my heart by the power of
the Holy Ghost, may prove the momentary joy of the stony-ground
hearer, in whom the seed of truth could not thrive, because it took
no root. If, after a period of trial, I am induced to believe that I
have felt the renovating power of Divine grace, I trust that I shall
then have courage given me to make a decided profession of the faith
of Christ, without regarding the remarks to which it may subject me;
but till then, it is my earnest wish, that you intrust to no one but
my dear father the communication which I have almost unintentionally
made to you. I have seen so many throw off their religious
profession, and return to the course which they had abandoned; and I
have such a dread of apostasy, that it is my fixed determination to
have some practical proof of the efficacy of my principles to resist
temptation, and bring the dispositions of my heart into subjection
to the authority of Jesus Christ, before I make any profession."
"I approve, my dear, of your decision; but while jealous of
yourself, you must guard against mistrusting the faithfulness and
loving-kindness of God your Saviour, who has pledged his honour to
keep you by his power through faith unto salvation."
CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE.