"Allow yourself! Why, when you were unanimously elected president you
spoke of the delight it would give you to serve."
"And you collected the subscriptions."
"Collected the subscriptions?"
"And deposited them in my tobacco jar, where, at the present moment,
they repose. You appointed the first meeting for next Friday at my
rooms, and promised you would occupy the chair."
"Gardiner, I have already alluded to the ill-health from which I am
suffering--"
"Possibly," interrupted Finlayson, "it was the anchovy toast. You ate a
plateful."
"I ate a plateful?" I looked at the speaker to see if he was gibing. He
showed no signs of it. "If I ate anything like that quantity it
probably was. But I do not wish to enter into that matter now. To show
how constitutionally unfitted I am to become associated with such a
scheme, I have only to point out that I am myself extremely
superstitious in little things."
When I said that the man Finlayson broke into a gust of laughter, in
which Gardiner immediately joined him. I observed their merriment with
a growing sense of umbrage.
"I don't know what you see to laugh at in my plain statement of a plain
fact. And to show you that it is a fact, I have only to inform you that
with the fall of a great-aunt's portrait from its place against the
wall I directly connect a long chain of disasters which presently
followed."
On my volunteering that piece of information their screams of laughter
increased to such an extent that I thought they would have done
themselves an injury. It was some time before Gardiner was able to gasp
out, between his guffaws, and with both hands held to his
sides,--
"You're splendid! You're immense! Why, last night you suggested that
each man should bring to the dinner a portrait of a relative; that the
whole thirteen should be hung against the wall, and be sent, at
intervals, toppling headlong to the floor."
"I suggested that--I?"
"Great Scott!" shouted Finlayson; and he actually slapped me on the
back, as if he were the friend of a lifetime. "I thought last night
you were the most amusing man I had ever met, but to-day, in that
dressing-gown, and with that box of seidlitz powders in front of you,
you'll be the death of me if you don't take care."
I never had been regarded as a humorist before. At least, so far as my
recollection carries me. I do not know why, but such is the case. That
these two persons should find me funny, especially as I felt in
anything but a frivolous mood, was unexpected. They certainly persisted
in their refusal to take me seriously. The graver I became the more
they screamed with laughter. It was really disconcerting. And finally
resulted in so destroying the mental equipoise on which I pride myself,
not without reason, that I actually found myself indulging, without the
slightest desire to do so, in those extravagances which they seemed so
singularly disposed to relish.
With such completeness, indeed, was the balance of my mind destroyed,
that when they went away they left me irrevocably committed to a scheme
for which I felt the greatest possible natural distaste. My earnest
desire was to contemn the very notion of a Thirteen Club. Instead of
which I found myself in the position of president of such an
association; regarded almost as its originator; certainly as one of its
leading spirits. How it had come about I was at a loss to imagine.
Moreover, I had undertaken to assist at a so-called dinner, which was
to be an orgie of a character, the very thought of which sent cold
shivers down my back.
During the next few days I felt most uncomfortable. As it were, as if I
were under a ban. My life had hitherto been so regular. I had been so
careful to observe the conventionalities; to do exactly what other
people did, in exactly the same way, that I was ashamed to think of my
connection with so extravagant a coterie. Not the least annoying part
of the matter was that the very fact of my having joined a society
which had undertaken to disregard all the trivialities of superstition
seemed to compel me to treat them with more respect than ever before.
The thing became quite an obsession. For example, someone had told me
that in walking on the pavement one should be careful to place one's
foot well in the centre of the flagstones, since it was unlucky to let
it come in contact with one of the lines of union. This absurd remark
came all at once to the forefront of my brain with such force that I
more than once caught myself playing fantastic tricks in the open
street in my desire to avoid the conjunction of the paving-stones. What
opinion passers-by must have formed of my condition I do not care to
think. Some equally weak-minded person had mentioned, at some period of
my career, that it was a sure forerunner of misfortune if one walked
through a street in which there were three black dogs. I had forgotten
all about the nonsensical allegation till I joined the Thirteen Club.
Then it came back to me in such a fashion that whenever I had to turn
into a fresh street I would quite involuntarily pause to discover if
anything could be seen in the shape of three black dogs. I am rather
short-sighted, and am persuaded that in consequence I sometimes saw
them when they were not there to be seen. But as a trampler on current
superstitions I was not taking any risks. I must have walked
unnecessary miles to avoid such an encounter. Not to speak of the money
I lavished on cab fares.
Once, when walking with Adeline, as we were about to enter the park I
saw a man leading three black poodles along the row. I started back,
but Adeline addressed me in such a tone that I thought it prudent to
pursue our original intention. So soon as we entered, the man with the
poodles turned right round, and passed so close that one of his charges
sniffed at me. I was conscious of a sense of vague discomfort. It is a
curious commentary on the occurrence, that when I returned home I found
that I had lost a five-pound note. It had been in my cigarette-case and
I must have dropped it when taking out a cigarette. The accident did
not tend to weaken my objection to three black dogs.
I was not reassured by the proceedings at the first meeting of the
Thirteen Club which took place on the Friday in Gardiner's rooms.
Several things were said and done to which I objected. Some of them, I
regret to add, were said and done by me. The whole tone of the thing
was most distasteful. A code of fines was drawn up which was monstrous.
If you did not go out of your way to flout every credulous fancy you
had to pay for it; sometimes a considerable sum. You were supposed to
make open confession of your faults. But as I was conscious that the
paving-stones and the black dogs between them might cost me a little
fortune, in my case this was supposition only. For the future I would
make a point of promenading up and down the thoroughfares which were
ornamented by a trio of sooty-hued canine quadrupeds, and would
persistently step on the seams in the pavement. But the past was past.
It was not for me to resurrect it.
As the day appointed for that travesty of a dinner approached I became
more and more alive to the unsatisfactory nature of my relations with
Adeline. It had been my constant habit to tell her everything. There
had been moments when she had seemed to hint that I had a tendency to
tell her too much. As if my desire to make of her a confidante in the
little matters of my daily life suggested a tendency in the direction
of the egotistical. She even went so far as to assert that I was too
fond of talking about myself. Which observation I felt to be uncalled
for. For if a man may not talk to his future wife about himself what
ought he to talk about?
I had this most uncalled-for insinuation in my mind when I refrained
from mentioning to Adeline that I had become associated with the
Thirteen Club. I own that I had a suspicion that she might not care for
my having done so. But then I did not care for it myself. And in the
delicate position in which I found myself placed my chief desire was to
avoid unnecessary friction. Still as the fatal hour approached I did
wish that I had been more open.
Especially in the light of a little conversation which took place
during the usual afternoon call which I was paying her on the very day
before.
"I see that some more ignorant and wicked persons have joined
themselves in what they call a Thirteen Club."
She was looking at a newspaper, and I was thinking of Gardiner's
obstinacy in insisting on having skeletons for menu holders. Her words,
which were entirely unexpected, made me jump.
"Adeline, whoever told you that?"
"It's in the paper."
"In the paper!"
For an instant I felt as if I were in imminent danger of a paralytic
stroke. Whoever could have put it in the paper? Had they dared to
mention any names? Fortunately it appeared that they had not. Her next
remark, however, added to my sense of discomfiture.
"It says in the paper that the whole thirteen of them are going to dine
together to-morrow. To show, I suppose, how stupid people can be if
they like. It will serve them right if they're all dead within the
year."
"Adeline!"
Under the circumstances it was dreadful to hear her say such things.
But she went on, wholly regardless of what I might be feeling.
"I've no patience with people who want to make fun of the most
cherished beliefs of their ancestors."
"Surely, Adeline, you are not superstitious?"
"I am. All nice people are in their heart of hearts. I wouldn't walk
under a ladder for anything, nor sit at a table on which the knives
were crossed. And whenever I spill the salt I'm unhappy."
I was silent. I had myself driven up to the house because there seemed
to be three black dogs in every street. What could I say?
When, the following evening, I went to that preposterous, and, I had
almost begun to think, sacrilegious dinner, my heart was in my boots.