I
George Gardiner is a man whose ideas--when he has any--are beneath
contempt. I always treated them as they deserved, save on one occasion.
That I ever swerved, so far as he was concerned, from the paths of the
scornful will, I fear, be the cause to me of lifelong regret.
He had been reading somewhere some nonsense about a number of
weak-minded persons who had gathered themselves together in what they
called a Thirteen Club. It had been the object of this preposterous
association to trample on all sorts of popular superstitions. The
members had made it their business to throw down the gage to Fortune,
whenever, so to speak, opportunity offered. To challenge Luck, in and
out of season, to come on and do its worst. Presumably they derived
some sort of satisfaction from this course of conduct. Though, for my
part, I cannot see what shape it can have taken.
It was at his own dinner-table he told us about what he had read.
Having enlarged upon the subject at quite sufficient length he startled
us all by suggesting that we should form a similar society on our own
account. I was astounded. My own impression is that we all were. Though
I am free to admit that we concealed the fact with a degree of success
which, now that I look back, fills me with amazement.
There were eight of us present besides Gardiner. We were his guests.
Some of us were sensible men. We must have been. Personally I have
never heard so much as a hint breathed against the presumption that I
am in possession of a considerable amount of commonsense. My mother has
told me, times without number, that she always relies upon my strong
commonsense--observe the adjective. If certain of my relatives have not
treated me on all matters with that respect to which I consider myself
entitled, I feel it is because Providence has seen fit to endow them
but scantily with what I have in such abundance. By way of clinching
the question I would remark that Miss Adeline Parkes--the young lady
whom I trust one day to make Mrs Augustus Short--has more than once
declared that the only fault she has to find with me is that I have too
much sense. She has two or three times assured me--with the prettiest
pout; there is a quality about Adeline's lips which gives charm even to
a pout--that my point of view is always the sensible one, and that I do
not make sufficient allowance for those whose strength in that
direction is not so great as my own.
It would be ridiculous to assume that I was the only level-headed
person among the eight individuals whom Gardiner had assembled in his
dining-room. Indeed I have reason to believe that Ernest Bloxam is not
entirely an idiot. And from the way Bob Waters has treated me I cannot
but conclude that he has some notions of what is right and proper.
Three of the men present were entire strangers to me. Though it would
be wrong to set them down, merely on that account, as fools. Still I
cannot forget that it was owing to one of these three, who told me his
name was Finlayson, that I found myself involved in that cataclysm of
events, my connection with which I shall continue to lament.
Gardiner waited till the cloth had been removed before he made his
nefarious suggestion. I cannot but feel that he selected the moment
with malicious intention, because at that period of the entertainment
we had each of us already disposed of two or three glasses of
champagne, and were engaged in the consumption of what I should
describe as three or four more. Champagne is, to my mind, a most
insidious liquid. It affects me before I really know what is happening.
I am credibly informed that no sooner had Gardiner made his proposition
than I seconded it with acclamation. I can only say that I am
surprised. When I am further assured that I entered into the scheme
with zest, and that some of the wildest proposals came from me, I can
but turn to the pages of history and reflect, with a sigh, that even
the greatest men have had their moments of weakness.
The outlines of the scheme which we drew up between us--I decline to
allow for a single instant that I was the leading spirit; Gardiner was
the instigator, and I have the clearest possible impression that the
man Finlayson was his chief aider and abettor--were as follows. We were
to form ourselves into a Thirteen Club. There were to be thirteen
members, commencing with Gardiner and his eight guests, to whom four
others were to be joined. We bound ourselves to act, under all possible
circumstances, in opposition to the teachings of popular superstition.
When we were told that a thing was unlucky we were at once to do it,
and when lucky we were not to do it on any terms. For instance, we were
always to look at a new moon through glass; always to walk under
ladders; always to cross people on staircases; always to arrange for
the most important events to occur on a Friday. On the other hand we
were not to turn over the money in our pockets at the first glimpse of
a new moon; not to make the sign of the cross when we met a person who
squinted; not to salute a black cat; not to occupy a chair which was
reputed lucky when engaged in a quiet hand at cards; not to pick up
pins. The subscription was to be thirteen shillings. There was to be a
dinner, which was to be a sort of glorification of our principles, at
which all the members were to be present. The dinner ticket was to cost
thirteen shillings, and thirteen shillings was to be spent in wine.
It was that Thirteen Club dinner which was the cause of all the
trouble.
When, the following day, I was gradually recovering from the headache
which had kept me in bed till afternoon, I was informed that Gardiner
and the man Finlayson wished to see me. It was between three and four
o'clock. Simply attired in a dressing-gown and slippers I was wondering
whether it would or would not be advisable to venture on another
seidlitz powder. I was trying to remember how many I had already taken.
I had a notion that the box was full, or nearly full, in the morning,
and as there were only two in it now it would seem as if I had taken
nearly as many as were good for me. It will be seen that that was not a
moment at which I would be likely to extend a warm welcome to the man
who had caused me to spend the day in the society of a box of seidlitz
powders. My instinct would have been to deny myself entirely, had I
been afforded the opportunity, but I was not. Before I knew it they
were showing themselves into my room.
Not the least irritating part of it was that they both of them seemed
in the best of health and spirits. They glanced at me, then at each
other. I am almost persuaded that I detected the man Finlayson in the
act of winking.
"Hollo!" began Gardiner. "Got a cold?" I signified that I had something
which perhaps might not be inaccurately diagnosed as being of the
nature of a cold.
"Ah," remarked Finlayson, "there was a bad draught where you sat last
night. What are you taking for it?" He perceived the box which was in
front of me. "Seidlitz powders? Best thing possible for a cold--like
yours."
I had not previously heard seidlitz powders spoken of as being of use
in an affection of the kind. But I allowed the remark to go unanswered.
I was not in a mood to chop straws with a person who was to all intents
and purposes a stranger to me.
An observation, however, which Gardiner immediately made was productive
of something very much like a shock to my system. Tapping the toes of
his boots with his cane he said, in quite a casual tone of voice, as it
seemed to me, _apropos_ of nothing at all,--
"By the way, Short, it strikes me that we shall have some difficulty in
arranging to have the tables shaped like coffins."
"Tables--shaped like coffins?" I stared at him. "What do you mean?"
"It was your idea, and not a bad one. As you said, we may as well be
thorough. But, you see, it would involve our having the tables
specially made for us, and that would come expensive."
While I was asking myself what Gardiner might be talking about,
Finlayson struck in.
"We can manage about the skeletons as menu holders."
"And skulls and cross-bones as table ornaments."
"And a real live black cat for every guest; though it's doubtful if we
shall be able to induce each waiter to carry one on his shoulders."
"You'll find that we shall have to confine them in wicker-work cages.
If we left them free they'd make a bolt for the door. If we fastened
them to the legs of the chairs there might be shindies. The waiters
might object to being scratched. Not to speak of the guests. Some folks
are so fussy."
I glanced from one to the other. I suspected them of a desire to amuse
themselves at my expense. But, although their remarks were entirely
beyond my comprehension, they appeared to be as serious as it was in
their power to be.
"May I ask what it is you're talking about?"
My inquiry seemed to occasion Gardiner surprise.
"Why, about the inaugural dinner of the Thirteen Club, of course. I
say, Short, has your cold caused you to lose your memory?"
It had. Actually. My mind was a blank page as regards what had taken
place on the previous night bearing on that particular theme. When they
favoured me with what they called a simple recital of what they stated
had occurred I found it simply incredible. It was only when Gardiner
produced a sheet of paper covered with my writing that I was compelled
to belief. It was crowded with a number of memoranda on the subject of
the rules and constitution of the proposed club. There was a list of
the names of the first nine members, with my own in front. Notes having
special reference to that ridiculous dinner. And, to crown all, a form
of declaration by which each signatory had bound himself to do certain
things, to which each person present had attached his name, with my own
again, in front.
It is not too much to say that I gazed at this amazing document with
eyes which almost refused to credit what they saw. The caligraphy was
mine beyond a doubt, though here and there a trifle shaky. But in what
condition I could have been when I penned such stuff as that I
altogether failed to understand.
"I suppose," I observed tentatively, "that this is a joke."
"A joke?" echoed Gardiner. "Rather! It will be the best joke that ever
was."
"Will be? What do you mean by will be?"
"Why, the whole thing will be. As for that dinner, if it's carried out
on the lines which you laid down--and it sha'n't be our fault if it
isn't--it will not only be the talk of London, but it will be a joke
which we shall none of us forget as long as we live."
"Let us understand each other, Gardiner. I am not quite well to-day."
"You're not looking well."
"I'm not feeling well." There was something in his manner I resented. I
desired that the tone of my reply should bring that home to him.
"Something I had at your rooms last night has disagreed with me."
"Perhaps it was the oyster sauce."
This was Finlayson.
"I am not prepared to say exactly what it was."
"It couldn't have been the wine," Gardiner declared. "I was careful to
see that every bottle was of the best."
"It might have been the olives," murmured Finlayson. "You never know."
"I repeat that I am not able to precisely locate the blame, but it
certainly was something. I therefore beg you to understand that I am
not in a condition to argue. So that when I ask you to forget, as I
have done, what seems to have been a very poor jest, and when I tear
this sheet of nonsense into shreds, as I now proceed to do--"
"Short!" Gardiner caught me by the wrist. "What are you up to? I had a
clean copy made of that, and it's gone to the printer's. I felt that
the original ought to be preserved."
"Gone to the printer's! Gardiner, what are you saying?"
"We left it at the printer's on the way to engage the room for the
dinner."
"Engage the room for the dinner! Gardiner, are you in earnest?"
"Certainly, at the Coliseum Restaurant. We've settled the
preliminaries. It's to be on Friday week, the fifth Friday of the
month, the unluckiest day of all, in accordance with your suggestion."
"Is it possible that you seriously suppose that I could allow myself to
become associated with such a--such a travesty as this?"