I was obliged to go to Paris about some business. Having entered into a
church, that was very dark, I went up to the first confessor I found,
whom I did not know, nor have ever seen since. I made a simple and
short confession; but to the confessor himself I said not a word. He
surprised me saying, "I know not who you are whether maid, wife or
widow; but I feel a strong inward motion to exhort you to do what the
Lord has made known to you, that he requires of you. I have nothing
else to say." I answered him, "Father, I am a widow who have little
children. What else could God require of me, but to take due care of
them in their education?" He replied, "I know nothing about this. You
know if God manifests to you that He requires something of you; there
is nothing in the world which ought to hinder you from doing His will.
One may have to leave one's children to do that." This surprised me
much. However, I told him nothing of what I felt about Geneva. I
disposed myself submissively to quit everything, if the Lord required
it of me. I did not look upon it as a good I aspired to, or a virtue I
hoped to acquire, or as anything extraordinary, or as an act that would
merit some return on God's part; but only gave myself up to be led in
the way of my duty, whatever it might be, feeling no distinction
between my own will and the will of God in me.
In this disposition, I lived with my family in the greatest
tranquility, until one of my friends had a great desire to go on a
mission to Siam. He lived twenty leagues from my house. As he was ready
to make a vow to this purpose, he found himself stopped, with an
impulse to come and speak to me. He came immediately, and as he had
some reluctance to declare his mind to me, he went to read prayers in
my chapel, hoping God would be satisfied with his making the vow. As he
was performing divine service in my hearing, he was stopped again. He
left the chapel to come and speak to me. He then told me his intention.
Though I had no thought of saying anything positive to him, I felt an
impression in my soul to relate to him my case, and the idea I had for
a long time past for Geneva. I told him a dream I had, which appeared
to me supernatural. When I had done, I felt a strong impulse to say to
him, "You must go to Siam, and you must also serve me in this affair.
It is for that end God has sent you hither; I desire you to give me
your advice." After three days, having considered the matter, and
consulted the Lord in it, he told me that he believed I was to go
thither; but to be the better assured of it, it would be needful to see
the Bishop of Geneva. If he approved of my design, it would be a sign
that it was from the Lord; if not, I must drop it. I agreed with his
sentiment. He then offered to go to Annecy, to speak to the Bishop, and
to bring me a faithful account. As he was advanced in years, we were
deliberating in what way he could take so long a journey, when there
came two travelers, who told us the Bishop was at Paris. This I looked
on as an extraordinary providence. He advised me to write to Father La
Combe, and recommend the affair to his prayers, as he was in that
country. He then spoke to the Bishop at Paris. I, having occasion to go
thither, spoke to him also.
I told him, that "my design was to go into the country, to employ there
my substance, to erect an establishment for all such as should be
willing truly to serve God, and to give themselves unto him without
reserve; and that many of the servants of the Lord had encouraged me
thereto." The bishop approved of the design. He said, "there were New
Catholics going to establish themselves at Gex, near Geneva, and that
it was a providential thing." I answered him, "that I had no vocation
for Gex, but for Geneva." He said, "I might go from hence to that
city."
I thought this was a way which divine Providence had opened, for my
taking this journey with the less difficulty. As I yet knew nothing
positive of what the Lord would acquire at my hand, I was not willing
to oppose anything. "Who knows," said I, "but the will of the Lord is
only that I should contribute to this establishment?"
I went to see the prioress of the New Catholics at Paris. She seemed
much rejoiced, and assured me she would gladly join me. As she is a
great servant of God, this confirmed me. When I could reflect a little,
which was but seldom, I thought God would make choice of her for her
virtue, and me for my worldly substance. When I inadvertently looked at
myself, I could not think God would make use of me; but when I saw the
things in God, then I perceived that the more I was nothing, the fitter
I was for His designs. As I saw nothing in myself extraordinary, and
looked on myself as being in the lowest stage of perfection, and
imagined that an extraordinary degree of inspiration was necessary for
extraordinary designs, this made me hesitate, and fear deception. It
was not that I was in fear of anything, as to my perfection and
salvation which I had referred to God; but I was afraid of not doing
His will by being too ardent and hasty in doing it. I went to consult
Father Claude Martin. At that time he gave me no decisive answer,
demanding time to pray about it; saying he would write to me what
should appear to him to be the will of God concerning me.
I found it hard to get to speak to M. Bertot, both on account of his
being difficult of access, and of my knowing how he condemned things
extraordinary, or out of the common road. Being my director, I
submitted, against my own views or judgment, to what he said, laying
down all my own experiences when duty required me to believe and obey.
I thought, however, than in an affair of this importance, I ought to
address myself to him, and prefer his sense of the matter to that of
every one beside. Persuaded, he would infallibly tell me the will of
God. I went to him then, and he told me that my design was of God, and
that he had had a sense given him of God for some time past, that he
required something of me. I therefore returned home to set everything
in order. I loved my children much, having great satisfaction in being
with them, but resigned all to God to follow His will.
On my return from Paris, I left myself in the hands of God, resolved
not to take any step, either to make the thing succeed or to hinder it,
either to advance or retard it, but singly to move as He should be
pleased to direct me. I had mysterious dreams, which portended nothing
but crosses, persecutions and afflictions. My heart submitted to
whatever it should please God to ordain. I had one which was very
significant.
Being employed in some necessary work, I saw near me a little animal
which appeared to be dead. This animal I took to be the envy of some
persons, which seemed to have been dead for some time. I took it up,
and as I saw it strove hard to bite me, and that it magnified to the
eye, I cast it away. I found thereupon that it filled my fingers with
sharp-pointed prickles like needles. I came to one of my acquaintance
to get him to take them out; but he pushed them deeper in, and left me
so, till a charitable priest of great merit, (whose countenance is
still present with me, though I have not yet seen him, but believe I
shall before I die) took this animal up with a pair of pincers. As soon
as he held it fast, those sharp prickles fell off, of themselves. I
found that I easily entered into a place, which before had seemed
inaccessible. And although the mire was up to my girdle, in my way to a
deserted church, I went over it without getting any dirt. It will be
easy to see in the sequel what this signified.
Doubtless you will wonder that I, who makes so little account of things
extraordinary, relate dreams. I do it for two reasons; first out of
fidelity, having promised to omit nothing of what should come to my
mind; secondly, because it is the method God makes use of to
communicate Himself to faithful souls, to give them foretokens of
things to come, which concern them. Thus mysterious dreams are found in
many places of the holy Scriptures. They have singular properties, as--
1. To leave a certainty that they are mysterious, and will have their
effect in their season.
2. To be hardly ever effaced out of the memory, though one forgets all
others.
3. To redouble the certainty of their truth every time one thinks of
them.
4. They generally leave a certain unction, a divine sense or savor at
one's waking.
I received letters from sundry religious persons, some of whom lived
far from me, and from one another, relating to my going forth in the
service of God, and some of them to Geneva in particular, in such a
manner as surprised me. One of them intimated that I must there bear
the cross and be persecuted; and another of them that I should be eyes
to the blind, feet to the lame, and arms to the maimed.
The ecclesiastic, or chaplain, of our house was much afraid lest I was
under a delusion. What at that time greatly confirmed me was Father
Claude Martin, whom I mentioned above, wrote to me that, after many
prayers, the Lord had given him to know that He required me at Geneva,
and to make a free sacrifice of everything to Him. I answered him,
"that perhaps the Lord required of me nothing more than a sum of money
to assist in founding an institution which was going to be established
there." He replied, that the Lord had made him know that He wanted not
my worldly substance but myself. At the very same time with this letter
I received one from Father La Combe, who wrote to me that the Lord had
given him a certainty, as he had done to several of his good and
faithful servants and handmaids, that he wanted me at Geneva. The
writers of these two letters lived above a hundred and fifty leagues
from each other; yet both wrote the same thing. I could not but be
somewhat surprised to receive at the same time two letters exactly
alike, from two persons living so far distant from each other.
As soon as I became fully convinced of its being the will of the Lord,
and saw nothing on earth capable of detaining me, my senses had some
pain about leaving my children. And upon reflecting thereon a doubt
seized my mind. O my Lord! Had I rested on myself, or on the creatures,
I would have revolted; "leaned on a broken reed, which would have
pierced my hand." But relying on Thee alone, what needed I to fear? I
resolved then to go, regardless of the censures of such as understand
not what it is to be a servant of the Lord, and to receive and obey His
orders. I firmly believe that He, by His Providence, would furnish the
means necessary for the education of my children. I put everything by
degrees in order, the Lord alone being my guide.