A lady of rank, whom I sometimes visited, took a particular liking to
me, because (as she was pleased to say) my person and manners were
agreeable. She said that she observed in me something extraordinary and
uncommon. I believe it was the inward attraction of my soul that
appeared on my very countenance. One day a gentleman of fashion said to
my husband's aunt, "I saw the lady your niece; and it is very evident
that she lives in the presence of God." I was surprised at this, as I
little thought such an one as he could know what it was to have God
thus present. This lady of rank began to be touched with the sense of
God. Wanting once to take me to the play, I refused to go; (I never
went to plays) making use of the pretext of my husband's continual
indispositions. She pressed me exceedingly, and said, "I should not be
prevented by his sickness from taking some amusement and I was not of
an age to be confined with the sick like a nurse." I told her my
reasons. She then perceived that it was more from a principle of piety,
than the indispositions of my husband. Insisting to know my sentiment
of plays, I told her, I entirely disapproved of them, and especially
for a Christian woman. And as she was far more advanced in years than I
was, what I then said made such an impression on her mind, she never
went again.
Once with her and another lady, who was fond of talking and who had
read "the fathers," they spoke much of God. This lady spoke learnedly
of Him. I said scarcely anything, being inwardly drawn to silence, and
troubled at this conversation about God. My acquaintance came next day
to see me. The Lord had so touched her heart, she could hold out no
longer. I attributed this to something the other lady had said, but she
said to me, "Your silence had something in it which penetrated to the
bottom of my soul. I could not relish what the other said." We spoke to
one another with open hearts.
It was then that God left indelible impressions of His grace on her
soul, and she continued so athirst for Him, that she could scarcely
endure to converse on any other subject. That she might become wholly
His, He deprived her of a most affectionate husband. He visited her
with such severe crosses, and at the same time poured His grace so
abundantly into her heart, that He soon became the sole master thereof.
After the death of her husband, and the loss of most of her fortune,
she went to reside four leagues from our house, on a small estate,
which was left. She obtained my husband's consent to my going to spend
a week with her, to console her. God gave her by my means all she
wanted. She had a great share of understanding, but was surprised at my
expressing things to her so far above my natural capacity. I should
have been surprised at it myself. It was God who gave me the gift for
her sake, diffusing a flood of grace into her soul, without regarding
the unworthiness of the channel of which He was pleased to make use.
Since that time her soul has been the temple of the Holy Ghost, and our
hearts have been indissolubly united.
My husband and I took a little journey together, in which both my
resignation and humility were exercised, yet without difficulty or
constraint, so powerful was the influence of divine grace. We had all
liked to have perished in a river. The rest of the company in desperate
fright threw themselves out of the coach, which sunk in the moving
sand. I continued so much inwardly occupied, that I did not once think
of the danger. God delivered me from it without my thought of avoiding
it. I was quite content to be drowned, had He permitted it. It may be
said, "I was rash." I believe I was so; yet I rather chose to perish,
trusting in God, than make my escape in a dependence on myself. What
say I? We do not perish, but for want of trusting Him. My pleasure is
to be indebted to Him for everything. This renders me content in my
miseries, which I would rather endure all my life long, in a state of
resignation to Him, than put an end to them, in a dependence on myself.
However, I would not advise others to act thus, unless they were in the
same disposition which I was in.
As my husband's maladies daily increased, he resolved to go to St.
Reine. He appeared very desirous of having none but me with him, and
told me one day, "If they never spoke to me against you, I should be
more easy, and you more happy." In this journey I committed many faults
of self-love and self-seeking. I was become like a poor traveler that
had lost his way in the night and could find no way, path, or track. My
husband, in his return from St. Reine, passed by St. Edm. Having now no
children but my first-born son, who was often at the gates of death, he
wished exceedingly for heirs, and prayed for them earnestly. God
granted his desire, and gave me a second son. As I was several weeks
without any one daring to speak to me, on account of my great weakness,
it was a time of retreat and of silence. I tried to indemnify myself
for the loss of time I had sustained in the others, to pray to Thee, O
my God, and to continue alone with Thee. I may say that God took a new
possession of me, and left me not. It was a time of continual joy
without interruption. As I had experienced many inward difficulties and
weaknesses it was a new life. It seemed as if I was already in the
fruition of beatitude. How dear did this happy time cost me, since it
was only a preparative to a total privation of comfort for several
years, without any support, or hope of return! It began with the death
of Mrs. Granger, who had been my only consolation under God. Before my
return from St. Reine I heard she was dead.
When I received this news, I confess it was the most afflicting stroke
I had ever felt. I thought that had I been with her at her death I
might have spoken to her and received her last instructions. God has so
ordered it that I was deprived of her assistance in almost all my
losses, in order to render the strokes more painful. Some months indeed
before her death, it was shown to me, that though I could not see her
but with difficulty, and suffering for it, yet she was still some
support to me. The Lord let me know that it would be profitable for me
to be deprived of her. But at the time she died I did not think so. It
was in that trying season when my paths were all blocked up, she was
taken from me. She who might have guided me in my lonesome and
difficult road, bounded as it were with precipices, and entangled with
briars and thorns.
Adorable conduct of my God! there must be no guide for the person whom
Thou art leading into the regions of darkness and death, no conductor
for the man whom thou art determined to destroy, (that is, to cause to
die totally to himself). After having saved me with much mercy, after
having led me by the hand in rugged paths, it seems Thou wast bent on
my destruction. May it not be said that Thou dost not save but to
destroy, nor go to seek the lost sheep, but to cause it to be yet more
lost; that Thou art pleased in building what is demolished, and in
demolishing what is built. Thou wouldst overturn the temple built by
human endeavors, with so much care and industry, in order as it were
miraculously to erect a divine structure, a house not built with hands,
eternal in the Heavens. Secrets of the incomprehensible wisdom of God,
unknown to any besides Himself! Man, sprung up only of a few days,
wants to penetrate, and to set bounds to it. Who is it that hath known
the mind of the Lord, or who hath been His counselor? Is it a wisdom
only to be known through death to everything, and through the entire
loss of all self?
My brother now openly showed his hatred for me. He married at Orleans
and my husband had the complaisance to go to his marriage. He was in a
poor state of health, the roads bad, and so covered over with snow,
that we had like to have been overturned twelve or fifteen times. Yet
far from appearing obliged by his politeness, my brother quarreled with
him more than ever, and without reason. I was the butt of both their
resentments. While I was at Orleans, meeting with one whom at that time
I thought highly of, I was too forward and free in speaking to him of
spiritual things, thinking I was doing well, but had a remorse for it
afterwards. How often we mistake nature for grace! One must be dead to
self, when such fowardness comes from God only.
My brother treated me with the utmost contempt. Yet, my mind was so
fully drawn inward, that although we had much more danger on the road
than when going, I had no thought about myself, but all about my
husband. Seeing the coach overturning, I said, "Fear not, it is on my
side that it falls; it will not hurt you." I believe, had all perished,
I should not have been moved. My peace was so profound that nothing
could shake it. If these times continued, we should be too strong. They
now began to come but seldom and were followed with long and wearisome
privations. Since that time my brother has changed for the better, and
has turned on the side of God, but he has never turned to me. It has
been by particular permission of God, and the conduct of His providence
over my soul, that has caused him and other religious persons, who have
persecuted me, to think they were rendering glory to God, and doing
acts of justice therein. Indeed, it is just that all creatures should
be treacherous to me, and declare against me, who have too many times
been treacherous to God, and sided with His enemy.
After this there was a very perplexing affair. To me it caused great
crosses, and seemed designed for nothing else. A certain person
conceived so much malice against my husband, that he was determined to
ruin him if possible. He found no other way to attempt it, but by
entering into a private engagement with my brother. He obtained a power
to demand, in the name of the king's brother, two hundred thousand
livres, which he pretended that my brother and I owed him. My brother
signed the processes, upon an assurance given him that he should not
pay anything. I think his youth engaged him in what he did not
understand. This affair so chagrined my husband, that I have reason to
believe it shortened his days. He was so angry with me (although I was
innocent), that he could not speak to me except in a fury. He would
give me no light into the affair, and I did not know in what it
consisted. In the height of his rage, he said he would not meddle with
it, but give me my portion, and let me live as I could. On the other
side, my brother would not move in it, nor suffer anything to be done.
The day of the trial, after prayer, I felt myself strongly pressed to
go to the judges. I was wonderfully assisted even so as to discover and
unravel all the turns and artifices of this affair, without knowing how
I could have been able to do it. The first judge was so surprised to
see the affair so different from what he had thought it before, that he
himself exhorted me to go to the other judges, and especially to the
intendant, who was just then going to court. He was quite misinformed
about the matter. God enabled me to manifest the truth in so clear a
light, and gave such power to my words, that the intendant thanked me
for having so seasonably come to undeceive, and set him right. Had I
not done this, he assured me the cause had been lost. As they saw the
falsehood of every point, they would have condemned the plaintiff to
pay the costs, if he had not been so great a prince, who lent his name
to the scheme. To save the honor of the prince they ordered us to pay
him fifty crowns. Hereby the two hundred thousand livres were reduced
to only one hundred and fifty. My husband was exceedingly pleased at
what I had done. My brother appeared as outrageous against me, as if I
had caused him some great loss. Thus moderately and at once ended an
affair, which had at first appeared so very weighty and alarming.