During the first year I was still vain. I sometimes lied to excuse
myself to my husband and mother-in-law. I stood strangely in awe of
them. Sometimes I fell into a temper, their conduct appeared so very
unreasonable, and especially their countenancing the most provoking
treatment of the girl who served me. As to my mother-in-law, her age
and rank rendered her conduct more tolerable.
But Thou, O my God, opened my eyes to see things in a very different
light. I found in Thee reasons for suffering, which I had never found
in the creature. I afterward saw clearly and reflected with joy, that
this conduct, as unreasonable as it seemed, and as mortifying as it
was, was quite necessary for me. Had I been applauded here as I was at
my father's, I should have grown intolerably proud. I had a fault
common to most of our sex--I could not hear a beautiful woman praised,
without finding fault, to lessen the good which was said of her. This
fault continued long, and was the fruit of gross and malignant pride.
Extravagantly extolling anyone proceeds from a like source.
Just before the birth of my first child, they were induced to take
great care of me. My crosses were somewhat mitigated. Indeed, I was so
ill that it was enough to excite the compassion of the most
indifferent. They had so great a desire of having children to inherit
their fortunes, that they were continually afraid lest I should any way
hurt myself. Yet, when the time of my delivery drew near, this care and
tenderness of me abated. Once, as my mother-in-law had treated me in a
very grating manner, I had the malice to feign a cholic, to give them
some alarm; but as I saw this little artifice gave them too much pain,
I told them I was better. No creature could be more heavily laden with
sickness than I was. Beside continual heavings, I had so strange a
distaste, except for some fruit, that I could not bear the sight of
food. I had continual swoonings and violent pains. After my delivery I
continued weak a long time. There was indeed sufficient to exercise
patience, and I was enabled to offer up my sufferings to our Lord. I
took a fever, which rendered me so weak, that after several weeks I
could scarcely bear to be moved or to have my bed made. When I began to
recover, an abscess fell upon my breast, which was forced to be laid
open in two places, which gave me great pain. Yet all the maladies
seemed to me only a shadow of troubles, in comparison with those I
suffered in the family which daily increased. Indeed, life was so
wearisome to me, that those maladies which were thought mortal did not
frighten me.
The event improved my appearance, and consequently served to increase
my vanity. I was glad to call forth expressions of regard. I went to
the public promenades (though but seldom) and when in the streets, I
pulled off my mask out of vanity. I drew off my gloves to show my
hands. Could there be greater folly? After falling into these
weaknesses, I used to weep bitterly at home. Yet, when occasion
offered, I fell into them again.
My husband lost considerably. This cost me strange crosses, not that I
cared for the losses, but I seemed to be the butt of all the ill-humors
of the family. With what pleasure did I sacrifice temporal blessings.
How often I felt willing to have begged my bread, if God had so ordered
it. But my mother-in-law was inconsolable. She bid me pray to God for
these things. To me that was wholly impossible.
O my dearest Lord, never could I pray to Thee about the world, or the
things thereof; nor sully my sacred addresses to Thy majesty with the
dirt of the earth. No; I rather wish to renounce it all, and everything
beside whatsoever, for the sake of Thy love, and the enjoyment of Thy
presence in that kingdom which is not of this world. I wholly
sacrificed myself to Thee, even earnestly begging Thee rather to reduce
our family to beggary, than suffer it to offend thee.
In my own mind I excused my mother-in-law, saying to myself, "If I had
taken the pains to scrape and save, I would not be so indifferent at
seeing so much lost. I enjoy what cost me nothing, and reap what I have
not sowed." Yet all these thoughts could not make me sensible to our
losses. I even formed agreeable ideas of our going to the hospital. No
state appeared to me so poor and miserable, which I should not have
thought easy, in comparison with the continual domestic persecutions I
underwent. My father, who loved me tenderly, and whom I honored beyond
expression, knew nothing of it. God so permitted it, that I should have
him also displeased with me for some time. My mother was continually
telling him that I was an ungrateful creature, showing no regard for
them, but all for my husband's family. Appearances were against me. I
did not go to see them as often as I should. They knew not the
captivity I was in; what I was obliged to bear in defending them. These
complaints of my mother, and a trivial affair that fell out, lessened a
little my father's fond regard for me; but it did not last long. My
mother-in-law reproached me, saying, "No afflictions befell them till I
came into the house. All misfortunes came with me." On the other hand
my mother wanted me to exclaim against my husband which I could never
submit to do.
We continued to meet with loss after loss, the king retrenching a
considerable share of our revenues, besides great sums of money, which
we lost by L'Hotel de Ville. I could have no rest or peace, in such
great afflictions. I had no mortal to console me, or to advise me. My
sister, who had educated me, had departed this life. She died two
months before my marriage. I had no other for a confidant.
I declare, that I find much repugnance in saying so many things of my
mother-in-law. I have no doubt that my own indiscretion, my caprice,
and the occasional sallies of a warm temper, drew many of the crosses
upon me. Although I had what the world calls patience, yet I had
neither a relish nor love for the cross. Their conduct toward me, which
appeared so unreasonable, should not be looked upon with worldly eyes.
We should look higher and then we shall see that it was directed by
Providence for my eternal advantage.
I now dressed my hair in the most modest manner, never painted, and to
subdue the vanity which still had possession of me, I rarely looked in
the glass. My reading was confined to books of devotion, such as Thomas
a'Kempis, and the works of St. Francis de Sales. I read these aloud for
the improvement of the servants, while the maid was dressing my hair. I
suffered myself to be dressed just as she pleased, which freed me from
a great deal of trouble. It took away the occasions wherein my vanity
used to be exercised. I knew not how things were; but they always liked
me, and thought all well in point of dress. If on some particular days
I wanted to appear better, it proved worse. The more indifferent I was
about dress the better I appeared. How often have I gone to church, not
so much to worship God as to be seen. Other women, jealous of me,
affirmed that I painted; they told my confessor, who chided me for it,
though I assured him I was innocent. I often spoke in my own praise,
and sought to raise myself by depreciating others. Yet these faults
gradually deceased; for I was very sorry afterward for having committed
them. I often examined myself very strictly, writing down my faults
from week to week, and from month to month, to see how much I was
improved or reformed. Alas! this labor, though fatiguing, was of but
little service, because I trusted in my own efforts. I wished indeed to
be reformed, but my good desires were weak and languid.
At one time my husband's absence was so long, and in the meantime my
crosses and vexations at home so great, that I determined to go to him.
My mother-in-law strongly opposed it. This once my father interfering,
and insisting on it, she let me go. On my arrival I found he had almost
died. Through vexation and fretting he was very much changed. He could
not finish his affairs, having no liberty in attending to them, keeping
himself concealed at the Hotel de Longueville, where Madame de
Longueville was extremely kind to me. I came publicly, and he was in
great fear lest I should make him known. In a rage he bid me return
home. Love and my long absence from him surmounting every other reason,
he soon relented and suffered me to stay with him. He kept me eight
days without letting me stir out of his sight. Fearing the effects of
such a close confinement on my constitution, he desired me to go and
take a walk in the garden. There I met Madame de Longueville, who
testified great joy on seeing me.
I cannot express all the kindness I met with in this house. All the
domestics served me with emulation, and applauded me on account of my
appearance, and exterior deportment. Yet I was much on my guard against
too much attention. I never entered into discourse with any man when
alone. I admitted none into my coach, not even my relations, unless my
husband were in it. There was not any rule of discretion which I did
not duly observe, to avoid giving suspicion to my husband, or subject
of calumny to others. Everyone studied there how to contribute to
divert or oblige me. Outwardly everything appeared agreeable. Chagrin
had so overcome and ruffled my husband that I had continually something
to bear. Sometimes he threatened to throw the supper out of the
windows. I said, he would then do me an injury, as I had a keen
appetite. I made him laugh and I laughed with him. Before that,
melancholy prevailed over all my endeavors, and over the love he had
for me. God both armed me with patience and gave me the grace to return
him no answer. The devil, who attempted to draw me into some offence,
was forced to retire in confusion, through the signal assistance of
that grace.
I loved my God and was unwilling to displease Him, and I was inwardly
grieved on account of that vanity, which still I found myself unable to
eradicate. Inward distresses, together with oppressive crosses, which I
had daily to encounter, at length threw me into sickness. As I was
unwilling to incommode the Hotel de Longueville I had myself moved to
another house. The disease proved violent and tedious, insomuch that
the physicians despaired of my life. The priest, a pious man, seemed
fully satisfied with the state of my mind. He said, "I should die like
a saint." But my sins were too present and too painful to my heart to
have such presumption. At midnight they administered the sacrament to
me as they hourly expected my departure. It was a scene of general
distress in the family and among all who knew me. There were none
indifferent to my death but myself. I beheld it without fear, and was
insensible to its approach. It was far otherwise with my husband. He
was inconsolable when he saw there was no hope. I no sooner began to
recover, than notwithstanding all his love, his usual fretfulness
returned. I recovered almost miraculously and to me this disorder
proved a great blessing. Beside a very great patience under violent
pains, it served to instruct me much in my view of the emptiness of all
worldly things. It detached me from myself and gave me new courage to
suffer better than I had done. The love of God gathered strength in my
heart, with a desire to please and be faithful to Him in my condition.
I reaped several other advantages from it which I need not relate, I
had yet six months to drag along with a slow fever. It was thought that
it would terminate in death.
Thy time, O my God, had not yet arrived for taking me to Thyself. Thy
designs over me were widely different from the expectations of those
about me; it being Thy determination to make me both the object of Thy
mercy and the victim of Thy justice.