Afterward we came to Paris where my vanity increased. No course was
spared to make me appear to advantage. I was forward enough to show
myself and expose my pride, in making a parade of this vain beauty. I
wanted to be loved of everyone and to love none. Several apparently
advantageous offers of marriage were made for me; but God unwilling to
have me lost did not permit matters to succeed. My father still found
difficulties, which my all-wise Creator raised for my salvation. Had I
married any of these persons, I should have been much exposed, and my
vanity would have had means to extend itself.
There was one person who had asked for me in marriage for several
years. My father, for family reasons, had always refused him. His
manners were opposite to my vanity. A fear lest I should leave my
country, together with the affluent circumstances of this gentleman,
induced my father, in spite of both his own and my mother's reluctance,
to promise me to him. This was done without consulting me. They made me
sign the marriage articles without letting me know what they were. I
was well pleased with the thoughts of marriage, flattering myself with
a hope of being thereby set at full liberty, and delivered from the
ill-treatment of my mother which I drew upon myself. God ordered it far
otherwise. The condition which I found myself in afterward, frustrated
my hopes.
Pleasing as marriage was to my thoughts, I was all the time, after my
being promised, and even long after my marriage, in extreme confusion,
which arose from two causes. First, my natural modesty, which I did not
lose. I had much reserve toward men. The other, my vanity. Though the
husband provided was a more advantageous match than I merited, yet I
did not think him such. The figure which the others made, who had
offered to me before, was vastly more engaging. Their rank would have
placed me in view. Whatever did not flatter my vanity, was to me
insupportable. Yet this very vanity was, I think, of some advantage; it
hindered me from falling into such things as cause the ruin of
families. I would not do anything which in the eye of the world, might
render me culpable. As I was modest at church and had not been used to
go abroad without my mother, as the reputation of our house was great,
I passed for virtuous.
I did not see my spouse elect (at Paris) till two or three days before
our marriage. I caused masses to be said all the time after my being
contracted, to know the will of God. I wished to do it in this affair
at least.
Oh, my God, how great was thy goodness, to bear with me at this time,
and to allow me to pray to Thee with as much boldness, as if I had been
one of thy friends, I who had rebelled against Thee as thy greatest
enemy.
The joy of our nuptials was universal through our village. Amid this
general rejoicing, there appeared none sad but myself. I could neither
laugh as others did, nor even eat; so much was I depressed. I knew not
the cause. It was a foretaste which God gave me of what was to befall
me. The remembrance of the desire I had of being a nun, came pouring
in. All who came to compliment me, the day after, could not forbear
rallying me. I wept bitterly. I answered, "Alas! I had desired so much
to be a nun; why then am I now married? By what fatality has such a
revolution befallen me?" No sooner was I at the house of my new spouse,
than I perceived that it would be for me a house of mourning.
I was obliged to change my conduct. Their manner of living was very
different from that in my father's house. My mother-in-law, who had
long been a widow, regarded nothing else but economy. At my father's
house they lived in a noble manner and great elegance. What my husband
and mother-in-law called pride, and I called politeness, was observed
there. I was very much surprised at this change, and so much the more,
as my vanity wished to increase, rather than to be diminished.
At the time of my marriage I was a little past fifteen years of age. My
surprise increased greatly, when I saw I must lose what I had acquired
with so much application. At my father's house we were obliged to
behave in a genteel way, and to speak with propriety. All that I said
was applauded. Here they never hearkened to me, but to contradict and
find fault. If I spoke well, they said it was to give them a lesson. If
any questions were started at my father's, he encouraged me to speak
freely. Here, if I spoke my sentiments, they said it was to enter into
a dispute. They put me to silence in an abrupt and shameful manner, and
scolded me from morning till night.
I should have some difficulty to give you an account, which cannot be
done without wounding charity, if you had not forbidden me to omit any
one. I request you not to look at things on the side of the creature,
which would make these persons appear worse than they were. My
mother-in-law had virtue, my husband had religion, and not any vice. It
is requisite to look at everything on the side of God. He permitted
these things only for my salvation, and because He would not have me
lost. I had beside so much pride, that had I received any other
treatment, I should have continued therein, and should not, perhaps,
have turned to God as I was induced to do, by the oppression of a
multitude of crosses.
My mother-in-law conceived such a desire to oppose me in everything,
that, in order to vex me, she made me perform the most humiliating
offices. Her disposition was so extraordinary, having never surmounted
it in her youth, that she could hardly live with anybody. Saying none
than vocal prayers, she did not see this fault; or seeing it, and not
drawing from the forces of prayer, she could not get the better of it.
It was a pity, for she had both sense and merit. I was made the victim
of her humors. All her occupation was to thwart me and she inspired the
like sentiments in her son. They would make persons my inferiors take
place above me. My mother, who had a high sense of honor, could not
endure that. When she heard it from others (for I told her nothing) she
chided me thinking I did it because I did not know how to keep my rank
and had no spirit. I dared not tell her how it was; but I was almost
ready to die with the agonies of grief and continual vexation. What
aggravated all was the remembrance of the persons who had proposed for
me, the difference of their dispositions and manners, the love they had
for me, with their agreeableness and politeness. All this made my
burden intolerable. My mother-in-law upbraided me in regard to my
family, and spoke to me incessantly to the disadvantage of my father
and mother. I never went to see them, but I had some bitter speeches to
bear on my return.
My mother complained that I did not come often enough to see her. She
said I did not love her, that I was alienated from my family by being
too much attached to my husband.
What augmented my crosses was that my mother related to my
mother-in-law the pains I had cost her from infancy. They then
reproached me, saying, I was a changeling, and an evil spirit. My
husband obliged me to stay all day long in my mother-in-law's room,
without any liberty of retiring into my own apartment. She spoke
disadvantageously of me, to lessen the affection and esteem which some
had entertained for me. She galled me with the grossest affronts before
the finest company. This did not have the effect she wanted; the more
patiently they saw me bear it, the higher esteem they had for me.
She found the secret of extinguishing my vivacity, and rendering me
stupid. Some of my former acquaintances hardly knew me. Those who had
not seen me before said, "Is this the person famed for such abundance
of wit? She can't say two words. She is a fine picture." I was not yet
sixteen years old. I was so much intimidated, that I dared not go out
without my mother-in-law, and in her presence I could not speak. I knew
not what I said; so much fear had I.
To complete my affliction, they presented me with a waiting-maid who
was everything with them. She kept me in sight like a governess. For
the most part I bore with patience these evils which I had no way to
avoid. But sometimes I let some hasty answer escape me, a source of
grievous crosses to me. When I went out, the footmen had orders to give
an account of everything I did. It was then I began to eat the bread of
sorrows, and to mingle tears with my drink. At the table they always
did something which covered me with confusion. I could not forbear
tears. I had no one to confide in who might share my affliction, and
assist me to bear it. When I would impart some hint of it to my mother,
I drew upon myself new crosses. I resolved to have no confidant. It was
not from any natural cruelty that my husband treated me thus; he loved
me passionately, but he was warm and hasty, and my mother-in-law
continually irritated him about me.
It was in a condition so deplorable, O my God, that I began to perceive
the need I had of Thy assistance. For this situation was perilous for
me. I met with none but admirers abroad, those that flattered me to my
hurt. It were to be feared lest at such a tender age, amid all the
strange domestic crosses I had to bear, I might be drawn away. But
Thou, by Thy goodness and love, gave it quite another turn. By these
redoubled strokes Thou didst draw me to Thyself, and by Thy crosses
effected what Thy caresses could not effect. Nay, Thou madest use of my
natural pride, to keep me within the limits of my duty. I knew that a
woman of honor ought never to give suspicion to her husband. I was so
very circumspect that I often carried it to excess, so far as to refuse
my hand to such as in politeness offered me theirs. There happened to
me an adventure which, by carrying my prudence too far, might have
ruined me, for things were taken contrary to their intent. My husband
was sensible both of my innocence and of the falsehood of the
insinuations of my mother-in-law.
Such weighty crosses made me return to God. I began to deplore the sins
of my youth. Since my marriage I had not committed any voluntarily. Yet
I still had some sentiments of vanity remaining, which I did not wish.
However, my troubles now counter-balanced them. Moreover, many of them
appeared my just dessert according to the little light I then had. I
was not illuminated to penetrate the essence of my vanity; I fixed my
thoughts only on its appearance. I tried to amend my life by penance,
and by a general confession, the most exact that I ever yet had made. I
laid aside the reading of romances, for which I lately had such a
fondness. Though some time before my marriage that had been dampened by
reading the Gospel, I was so much affected therewith, and discovered
truth therein, that put me out of patience with all the other books.
Novels appeared then to me only full of lies and deceit. I now put away
even indifferent books, to have none but such as were profitable. I
resumed the practice of prayer, and endeavored to offend God no more. I
felt His love gradually recovering the ascendant in my heart, and
banishing every other. Yet I had still an intolerable vanity and
self-complacency, which has been my most grievous and obstinate sin.
My crosses redoubled. What rendered them more painful was, that my
mother-in-law, not content with the bitterest speeches which she
uttered against me, both in public and private, would break out in
anger about the smallest trifles, and scarcely be pacified for a
fortnight. I used a part of my time in bewailing myself when I could be
alone; and my grief became every day more bitter. Sometimes I could not
contain myself, when the girls, my domestics, who owed me submission,
treated me ill. I did what I could to subdue my temper which has cost
me not a little.
Such stunning blows so impaired the vivacity of my nature, that I
became like a lamb that is shorn. I prayed to our Lord to assist me,
and He was my refuge. As my age differed from theirs (for my husband
was twenty-two years older than I) I saw well that there was no
probability of changing their dispositions, which were fortified with
years. I found that whatever I said was offensive, not excepting those
things which others would have been pleased with.
One day, weighed down with grief and in despair, about six months after
I was married, being alone, I was tempted even to cut out my tongue so
I might no longer irritate those who seized every word I uttered with
rage and resentment.
But Thou, O God, didst stop me short and showed me my folly. I prayed
continually, and wished even to become dumb, so simple and ignorant was
I. Though I have had my share of crosses, I never found any so
difficult to support as that of perpetual contrariety without
relaxation of doing all one can to please, without succeeding, but
still offending by the very means designed to oblige. Being kept with
such persons, in a most severe confinement, from morning till night,
without ever daring to quit them is most difficult. I have found that
great crosses overwhelm, and stifle all anger. Such a continual
contrariety irritates and stirs up sourness in the heart. It has such
strange effect, that it requires the utmost efforts of self-restraint,
not to break out into vexation and rage.
My condition in marriage was rather that of a slave than of a free
person. I perceived, four months after my marriage, that my husband was
gouty. This malady caused many crosses within and without. He had the
gout twice the first year, six weeks each time. He was so much plagued
with it, that he came no more out of his room, nor out of his bed. He
was in bed usually for several months. I carefully attended him
although so very young. I did not fail to exert myself to the utmost in
the performance of my duty. Alas! all this did not gain me friendship.
I had not the consolation to know whether what I did was agreeable. I
denied myself all the most innocent diversions to continue with my
husband. I did whatever I thought would please him. Sometimes he
quietly suffered me, and then I esteemed myself very happy. At other
times I seemed insupportable to him. My particular friends said, "I was
of a fine age indeed to be a nurse to an invalid, and that it was a
shameful thing that I did not set more value on my talents." I
answered, "Since I have a husband, I ought to share his painful as well
as his pleasing circumstances." Besides this, my mother, instead of
pitying me, reprimanded me sharply for my assiduity to my husband.
But, O my God, how different were Thy thoughts from theirs,--how
different that which was without, from what passed within! My husband
had that foible, that when anyone said anything to him against me, he
flew into a rage at once. It was the conduct of providence over me; for
he was a man of reason and loved me much. When I was sick, he was
inconsolable. I believe, had it not been for my mother-in-law, and the
girl I have spoken of, I should have been very happy with him. Most men
have their moods and emotions, and it is the duty of a reasonable woman
to bear them peaceably, without irritating them more by cross replies.
These things Thou hast ordered, O my God, in such a manner, by Thy
goodness, that I have since seen it was necessary, to make me die to my
vain and haughty nature. I should not have had power to destroy it
myself, if thou hadst not accomplished it by an all-wise economy of thy
providence. I prayed for patience with great earnestness; nevertheless,
some sallies of my natural liveliness escaped me, and vanquished the
resolutions I had taken of being silent. This was doubtless permitted,
that my self-love might not be nourished by my patience. Even a
moment's slip caused me months of humiliation, reproach and sorrow, and
proved the occasion of new crosses.