me to describe what I felt on the occasion of this new display of this,
to me, the ugliest parts of the hated system of evil which prevails in
the world. The beautiful visions I had formed in my day-dreams, and
which I had cherished as the source of my greatest happiness, appeared
to me to have little or no relation to earth, or to earth's inhabitants;
and a gloomy melancholy stole over me, and retained the dominion of my
mind, in spite of every effort to shake it off. I endeavoured to make my
feelings understood by Mrs Greville; but she, though participant in my
views of moral perfection, could not comprehend why the turpitude of men
should have the effect of making a good person incapable of enjoying
what was truly virtuous in nature, and far less why it should produce a
gloomy misery in those who were themselves truly good. What people
cannot comprehend, they sometimes state to others, for the sake of
assistance to their understandings; and my aunt, in the openness of her
heart, stated my peculiarities to some friends, who coloured them to
suit their fancies, and then communicated them to the families of the
Semples, the Balls, and several others. My views, as I afterwards
learned, were considered by these people as an impeachment of their
morals; and I was set down as an arch-hypocrite, who wished to rear a
character for goodness on the ruin of the reputation of others. The
state of despondency into which I fell, precipitated me into a
succession of my old nervous fits, and it was not for some time that I
was again prevailed upon to visit the scenes where my feelings were
exposed to such causes of laceration; but when I did again accompany my
friend in her accustomed visits, I found that I had become unwelcome:
oblique sneers, short, cutting taunts, and pointed insinuations, were
directed against me; and though I then knew nothing of the cause, I
felt, with that trembling sensitiveness which was peculiar to me, the
poignancy of the poison of a hatred that was scarcely attempted to be
concealed.
In the little intercourse I had as yet had with the new world of sad
reality into which I had entered, I had heard the characters of good
people so fearfully belied and reviled, that I attributed the painful
treatment I thus received to the same malevolent spirit that dictated
the malicious scandal which seemed to penetrate almost every family I
had yet visited. I inquired for no cause in myself; for I had done or
said nothing to create merited individual hatred. It was the working of
the same spirit of evil that generally prevailed, extended to me, a poor
orphan, living on the dependence of a kind relation. It was one thing to
see evil done towards others, and to feel it applied to one's-self; and
the pain I formerly felt was increased by the dread that I might yet be
thrown upon that world which presented to me such fearful indications of
cruelty and vice. It will soon be seen whether it was my good or evil
fortune, at this gloomy period, to meet with one who appeared really to
understand the constitution of my mind, to appreciate the exalted views
I entertained of virtue, and to sympathise with me in the pain produced
by the discordance between the actual state of society and what I so
fondly wished it to be. Augustus Merling, proprietor of a fine property
called the Park, yielding him about L1500 a-year, and who lived, for a
great part of the year, in town with his widowed mother, visited my
aunt, and often saw me. I have said I was possessed of much beauty, and
the fact is undoubted; but there was still about me that aspen-like
sensitiveness, derived from the nervous attacks to which I was enslaved,
operating on a mind of originally fine structure, that the very look of
man or woman, if boldly thrown upon me, whether from curiosity or
confidence, made me shrink intuitively, and look confused or abashed;
and I never could conceive that all the beauty I possessed could make
amends for or overcome the prejudices against me originating in that
cause. I was in this respect, however, entirely wrong. My sensitiveness
gave me an interest in the eyes of Augustus, who, the moment he saw me,
was so struck with the beauty of my face, and that very shrinking of my
manner, that he inquired at Mrs Greville every particular concerning me;
and got such an account as, he himself afterwards confessed, increased
his curiosity by the mystic obscurity in which my aunt's inability to
understand me had wrapped all the peculiar attributes of my mind. He had
felt some anticipative impression of a sympathy between our thoughts and
feelings; and our intercourse--for he sought me the more fervently the
more I retired from him--soon satisfied him he was right in his estimate
of my character. I am certain he understood me thoroughly, and I believe
he was the only individual I had yet met who fathomed the mysteries of a
heart only too good and pure for the world in which we live. But, if I
was surprised and pleased with this, what may be conceived to be my
feelings, when I at last found, in a beautiful youth of fortune, the
very moral counterpart of myself, with all my exalted views of my
beloved and cherished goodness and moral loveliness! Often as the pen of
poet has been employed in the description of the feelings of mortals
under the influence of the tender passion, sublimed by the elevating
power of virtuous purity, I am satisfied that small approach has been
made to the reality of the love that soon bound me and Augustus together
as creatures made after the same model, and yet different from all
mankind. If other matters did not hurry me forward, I could exhibit the
thrilling details of a bliss which is thought to be peculiar to the
regions above. I would only be afraid that the analysis would require to
be carried so deep into the attenuated fibres of constitutions so seldom
seen and so little understood, that I would be charged with my imputed
error of applying unearthly visions to things of earthly mould. Love has
become a by-word, because it is too often mixed with the impurities of
vulgar natures; but such love as ours might tend to elevate and throw
over the rapt fancies of imaginative beings a forecast of that exquisite
bliss which awaits mankind in the regions of heaven.
But, even in this sweet dream, the evil of the world was destined to
follow me. I had taken from two ladies the object of their love or
ambition. Catherine Semple and Anne Ball, whom I have already mentioned,
had been severally intended by their mothers as the wife of Augustus--a
match to which the young rivals themselves were as much inclined as
their mothers, as well from the personal qualities of Augustus, as from
his wealth and property. I was hated by these ladies before as a
hypocrite. I was now the successful rival apparently destined to blast
all the cherished hopes of their love or ambition--and yet guiltless of
even the thought of the earthly and debased feelings of what is known as
rivalship. Our love was soon known to both the families, chiefly through
the medium of George Ball, who acted as the man of business of Mrs
Greville, and in that capacity was often a visiter at the house. The
effect of the intelligence was intense and stirring; and, through the
simple medium of my aunt, I heard myself denounced as one who carried
virtue on my face and tongue; simulated nervous sensibility, to give
effect to my affected distaste of vice; and who yet bore within my
bosom, for a heart, the poisonous cockatrice, whose eggs were the guile
and deceit that work more evil in the world than open-faced, unblushing
vice. These statements were corroborated by what I myself saw; for when
I again met the young ladies--and it was more by chance than
intention--I was struck by the intensity with which they, even in the
presence of others, expressed by look and manner the hatred they carried
in their hearts against me, guiltless as I was of thought or deed
inimical to them or any other mortal on earth. The enmity thus flared
upon me, with such strength of feeling, was experienced in the height
of the delicious dream of love in which I was entranced; and, softened
and mellowed as I was with the sweet enjoyment of the actual experience
in Augustus of the visions of perfection I had so devotedly cherished, I
felt again, and in an increased degree, the pain which the workings of
evil seemed fated to produce in me.
About the same time, another source of uneasiness rose at my side, in
the person of George Ball. Whether actuated by love, or interest, or
both, I know not--but I afterwards had reason to suppose he wished
Augustus detached from me, to be free for his sister--this individual
took the opportunity of my aunt's absence, and made, on his knees, warm
professions of attachment to me. He declared that he was dying for me,
and implored me to give him a test of his affection. I looked at him and
trembled. He it was who had reported the affection of me and Augustus,
and, with the knowledge that I loved and was beloved by another, he thus
attempted to burst the bonds of a holy and elevated connection--to make
me ungrateful, perfidious, and base; and to render him in whom all my
happiness was centred miserable and wretched. My frame of mind was too
delicate for indignation; a slow creeping feeling of loathing was the
form in which the contemplation of evil produced an effect on me, and
the sickening influence seldom failed in reducing me, for a time, to
gloom and nervousness. I cannot describe my conduct on the occasion of
this new discovery of the workings of the prevailing demon; but I
believe that I hurried from the apartment with such an expression of my
feelings depicted upon my countenance, as must have told him, more
eloquently than words, the disgust he had roused in me, and the pain
with which I was penetrated. The former he might understand, the latter
was beyond the reach of his intelligence.
I found an assuagement of these evils in the bosom of Augustus, where
lay the microcosm, that pure moral world I delighted to contemplate; but
the illness of Mrs Greville, which shortly after supervened, called upon
me to exercise actively those virtues of gratitude and kindness which
formed a part of the scheme of my morality. Night and day I waited upon
my benefactress, with the fondness of affection, and the fidelity and
unwearied steadfastness of principle. Between her and my Augustus my
time was passed; and I know not whether I felt more satisfaction in the
theoretical contemplation I enjoyed along with him, of the beauties of a
good life, than in the practical application of our views to the
amelioration of my aunt's feelings in her illness, and to the
contribution to her ease and satisfaction. Yet all my assiduity seemed
to be of little avail; she gradually grew worse; and there seemed to
come over her, at times, sorrowful anticipations of what might befall
me, in the event of her death, mixed with, if not suggested by,
recollections of the manner in which I had been treated by the families
whose daughters aspired to the hand of Augustus. These thoughts were
busy with her one day, and she had sent for George Ball to make her
will. Before he came, she was visited by the mother of Augustus; and
before the latter departed, Miss Catherine Semple and Miss Anne Ball
also came. I sat by her bedside, watching, through tears of sympathy,
every indication of pain or solicitude. It was a strange meeting, and
presented an opportunity for a declaration of sentiment on the part of
my aunt, that, ill as she was, she could not let escape.
"Martha," she said, looking in my face, and taking my hand into hers,
"oh, that I possessed the virtues of your clear, untainted mind!--for
then I should be prepared to meet the bright beams of that light of
heavenly glory which searches to purify, and shines to enlighten, and
bless, and make happy. Your trial may be now, or rather when I am gone;
but your triumph will come when you are as I now am. People have tried
to injure you" (she looked steadfastly at the two young ladies); "but,
if Mrs Merling remains your friend, the viper-tongue of scandal or
reproach cannot touch you. The terms on which you stand with Augustus I
know, though I never can be able to comprehend all the beauty of your
mutual views and sentiments on that subject which is gradually opening
upon me by the medium of a light from above. You have rivals" (looking
again at the two young ladies); "but they are bold mortals who would
dispute the victory with angels."
These words came to me like the "fountain which was opened to the house
of David," for it banished from me many fears; but to Catherine Semple
and Anne Ball they were as adders' tongues; and the eliminated poison,
indigested, was thrown out upon me by every expression of hatred they
could call up into their countenances. Mrs Merling was silent, but
looked upon me with that sweetness which resulted from those angelic
views of heaven-born goodness she had communicated to Augustus. That
look was to me an ample panoply against the scorching, revengeful fire
of the eyes of my rivals, who, having expended all the force of their
malevolence by the side of their prostrate and apparently dying friend,
departed in wrath. In a short time, a servant came from George Ball, and
stated that he was from home, and would not return till next day. My
aunt appeared disconcerted by the intelligence, but said she would not
employ another, as he alone knew the state of her affairs. Mrs Merling
kissed me, and told me to be of good heart, for that, while she loved
her Augustus, she must continue to love me, who was his counterpart, and
therefore (she added, with a soft smile) more of heaven than of earth.
She departed, stating that she would return in the evening, to ascertain
how my aunt then was. These assurances of friendship I required to
sustain me amidst this trying scene; for my old complaint had been
exhibiting an activity among my nerves, which shook me to the heart,
and predisposed me for the pain of the endurance of enmity on the one
side, and the solicitude of a friendship, on the eve of being ended for
ever, on the other. I was sitting convulsed by conflicting emotions,
with my hand on my forehead, when Mrs Greville again spoke.
"I feel worse, my beloved Martha," she said, "and am solicitous about
the return of George Ball. I would send for another, but that I would so
much prefer my usual man of business. So far, at least, I can insure
your safety, my love, in the event of anything happening to me before
his return. Hand me that box that lies on the top of my escritoire."
I complied, by fetching and laying the box on the bed. My aunt took a
key that lay under her pillow, and, opening the secretary, exhibited a
great number of jewels, which she had got on the death of her husband,
who had been a jeweller on a great extent in London, and left her the
treasure as her share of his fortune. Some of these she had disposed of,
and laid out the proceeds in the purchase of heritable property, on the
rents of which she lived; and the remainder, along with an inventory,
written in her own hand, she had deposited in the box, of which she had
always taken the greatest care. There were other valuable articles
besides the jewels in the box; her title-deeds were there, and some
bank-cheques, for money she had saved out of her rents. She lifted up
two or three pearl-necklaces, and other articles, to enable her to get
to a string of diamonds, apparently of great value.
"These," she said, "were valued by James" (so she always spoke of her
husband) "at four thousand pounds. They were intended as the portion of
my little Agnes, who died only one week before her father. Who has a
better right to them than you, my dear Martha?--take them, and along
with them the necklaces, which I think are worth a hundred guineas
each. The loose jewels in this interior box you may also take; they are
of no great value, but they will suit you as articles of dress, when you
become the wife of Augustus Merling. Take and place them all in your own
trunk. If I get better, I will trust to your returning them to me
_without a request on my part_, and the inventory may be left here, to
show what you have got. When George Ball comes, I shall make him put a
clause in my will, to accord with this act and my sentiments."
She then locked the box, and I, with tears of gratitude in my eyes, went
and placed the jewels in my trunk, and returned to the bed of my
benefactress.
"You must look to your treasure, Martha," she continued. "I have guarded
it well, having had occasion to doubt the honesty of Magdalene" (the
maid-servant), "who, I fear, knew too well what that box contained. I
missed a beautiful brooch last year, and would have discharged her, but
that I had no evidence against her. Look well to the key of your trunk."
I could not reply to these statements of my aunt. My heart was full, and
my tongue would not express the feelings of gratitude with which I was
penetrated; but she understood me, and was content. Shortly afterwards,
she said she felt worse, and I despatched Magdalene for Mrs Merling, who
came within half-an-hour, accompanied by Augustus, who sat in an
antechamber, anxious to see me. The first look that Mrs Merling directed
to her old friend detected the symptoms of approaching death, and she
communicated to me secretly the melancholy information. She seemed
anxious about the attorney; but the situation in which I, who would be
benefited by the will, and her son, who was so near, stood in relation
to each other, produced a delicacy which prevented her from showing any
anxiety on the subject. The medical man, who came soon after, held out
to us a very faint hope, and even hinted that he himself was surprised
at the sudden change that had taken place upon her. The unfavourable
symptoms increased towards night, and the intelligence of her illness
brought Mrs Ball, to get her curiosity satisfied, and her feelings of
humanity excited. She had been informed by her daughter of what had
taken place in the forenoon, and had scarcely entered, when she alluded,
in a sneering tone, to Augustus, whom she had seen in the anteroom as
she passed. We sat round the bed of my dear relative, who began to
exhibit symptoms of a wandering state of mind--a circumstance less
noticed by the others than by me; and having heard that Augustus was in
the house, she requested to see him. I ran for him--he came and bent
himself over the sick-bed, to administer some of the soothing sentiments
of a mind replete with the balm of "the spirit of grace and
supplications" which was poured on the house of David. She asked him to
be seated, and, raising a little her body, she pointed to the box, which
stood on the top of the escritoire, and wished it brought to her, that
she might give Augustus a ring as a keepsake. Mrs Merling, who sat next
to it, obeyed the request, and brought the box. With trembling hands the
patient sought for the key, and having found it, tried to insert it in
the lock; but she was unable, and Mrs Merling assisted her. The box was
opened, and my aunt, now in a state of delirium, ran a wild eye over its
contents, and, raising her hands to heaven, cried--
"Where are my jewels? I have been robbed. Wretches, tell me where are
those jewels which I have guarded for twenty years?"
The excitement was fatal--she fell back, and expired. The confusion
which followed this sudden and as yet unexpected event drowned for a
time the effect resulting from the extraordinary exclamation. The women
were busy in various ways, and Augustus ran to support me, who at
first, staggered by the exclamations, was rendered senseless by what so
immediately followed. I swooned in his arms, and, when I recovered,
found myself in my own parlour, with Mrs Ball leaning over me. Augustus,
alarmed by the length of time I remained insensible, had hastened away
for the doctor, and left me to the tender mercies of the mother of my
rival. When I looked up, the first object that met my eyes was my trunk,
where were deposited the jewels I had got gifted to me by my aunt; and,
by the power of association, I heard ringing in my ears the words, "I
have been robbed." The air seemed thick, from the impediment which my
swelling heart offered to my powers of respiration, and, holding out my
hand, I pushed away her who held me. The resistance offered to my hands
directed my attention to the face of Mrs Ball, who, smiling, with a
cutting satire, which spoke her suspicions--
"Who robbed your aunt, Miss Martha?" inquired she. "Why did you faint
when she mentioned the loss of her jewels?"
"Ha!" answered I, with an exclamation, rubbing my forehead, and still
searching in my mind for a full recollection of all that had taken
place; "I wish my aunt to explain, in presence of Mrs Merling, and you,
and Augustus, her extraordinary words. Come, come--let us go to her--she
must explain, she must free me of the imputation."
"Your aunt is dead, young woman; you saw her die," she replied, with
more bitter irony. "You have not yet recovered yourself. It was her
death-bed confession. Why did it shake you so? _You_ never can be
suspected."