(_Mrs. Figgins loquitur._)
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Here's a bundle of "little accounts:"
And their bearers left word they'd be glad
If you'd settle their little amounts.
They've all got "large sums" to "make up,"
And cannot wait longer, they swear:
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Here's the doctor's—a horrid long bill—
And he vows he's as badly as you;
For his patients wont pay him a groat,
And he's dying of _Tick_ Doloreux.
But he says he's consulted a friend,
A lawyer that lives very near:
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
The surgeon's is not a whit less:
At its items I really shiver'd:
A hundred for Sally's confinement;
A hundred to "Bill delivered."
A hundred for mixtures and pills
(I think it's uncommonly dear):
But I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
The baker has brought you a roll
Which will take you a month to digest:
He looks most uncommonly crusty,
And says that, of all trades, he's blest
If a baker's is not the most _kneady_;
And hints at John _Dough_; and I fear—
But I wish you the joys of the season,
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
The poult'rer his "Game Bill" has brought:
This year's—and last year's in addition,
Twelve guineas for Black-cock alone,
Which I think is a _grouse_ imposition.
Ten guineas for pheasants and hares!
And he charges his ven'son as _deer_.
But I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Here's your butcher—the city M.P.—
Begs to "_ax_ leave to bring in his _bill_."
It takes up six folio pages:
Good heavens! it's as long as a will.
He says times are quite out of _joint_;
And he _must_ have the cash; so, my dear,
I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Your grocer abuses you _grossly_,
Your hatter, and tailor _surtout_;
Your saddler's been going on sadly,
And your green-grocer looks very blue.
The brewer is down in the hall,
And wont stir till he's paid for his beer;
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Then there's _my_ little bill of two hundred
For laces and trimmings—but laws!
You wont grudge your poor rib a few ribbons;
Will you, duck?—and ten guineas for gauze.
And a hundred for bonnets and hats,
And my last di'mond set—such a dear!—
Kiss me, love! Oh! the joys of the season!
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
And the ponies—my pet little Grey,
And Miss Slimlegs, and Giraffe, and Beauty:
(But you know, love, they're all under size,
And so don't pay a farthing of duty;)
The coach-hacks, _but_ two hundred pounds:
(We don't drive our own tits—_that's_ dear:)
So I wish you the joys of the season—
Merry Christmas and happy New Year!
And, oh dear! here's a note from your steward!
He says your estate he's been round,
And examined your books and your papers;
And you can't pay a crown in the pound.
There's writs out against you by scores;
You're surrounded by tipstaves and bums;
So I wish you, my love, a good Christmas!
And a happy New Year—when it comes!
[Illustration:
FEBRUARY.—Valentine's Day.
]
┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┐
│ FEBRUARY. │ [1837.│
├──┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┤
│ │No more the farmer's dame shall rue │
│ │The slaughter of her poultry crew; │
│ │Compell'd, this month, to sign a truce │
│ │With turkey, donkey, pig, and goose, │
│ │The Cockney Sportsman grounds his arms, │
│ │And dicky birds are free from harms; │
│ │Percussion guns become a jest, │
│ │Put on their _caps_, and _go to rest_. │
├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┤
│D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │
│ │ │ fications._ │
├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤
│ 1│New River begun, 1608. Drunk _at a Temperance │ than │
│ │ meeting_ 1836. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 2│_Candle_MAS DAY. Some _dark_ affair now brought to │ ☍ ♀ △ ♐ │
│ │ _light_. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 3│BLAISE. "Farmers, look to your ricks!"—SWING. │ │
│ │ │ are dreamt │
│ 4│A _fair_ warms the bosom of Old Father Thames, │ │
│ │ 1814. │ │
│ │ │ of in our │
│ 5│ │ │
│ │[Illustration] │ philosophy, │
│ 6│ │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 7│SHROVE TUES. A great _Fry_-day. Mrs. FRY │ ♀ ⚹ ♎ │
│ │ _pan_-egyrised. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 8│ │ │
│ │ │ so are │
│ 9│[Illustration] │ │
│ │ │ there other │
│10│ │ │
│ │ │ aspects, │
│11│Sir Jeffery Dunstan. "No real _k_night." │ │
│ │ │ │
│12│1 SUNDAY IN LENT. _Corporal_ punishment promoted by│ ⊕ ♄ ♌ ♀ │
│ │ _General_ Fast. │ │
│ │ │ │
│13│ │ besides │
│ │ │ │
│14│VALENTINE. All Fools' Day. │ sideral │
│ │ │ │
│15│ │ ones, │
│ │ │ │
│16│ VALENTINE TO MISS MARTINEAU. │ that do │
│ │ │ │
│17│"Come, live with me, and be my love," │ marvellously │
│ │And we to all the world will prove │ │
│18│"That hill and valley, grove and field" │ influence │
│ │Are waste, if Nature's stores they yield; │ │
│19│While rustic joys and simple swains │ ♉☊♀ │
│ │Are nought compared to rich men's gains. │ │
│20│We'll demonstrate, to please the Tabbies, │ and affect │
│ │That none but boobies will have babbies, │ │
│21│And dose and diet all the nation, │ us. │
│ │To check the growing population. │ │
│22│Our virgin thoughts, as pure as "_vargis_," │ ♐ ♋ │
│ │Will ne'er increase the public charges; │ │
│23│So cease in frowns thy face to deck, │ The │
│ │Thy mind's the best _preventive check_. │ │
│24│ │configurations│
│ │[Illustration] │ │
│ │ [Illustration] │ │
│25│ │ of the │
│ │ │ │
│26│[Illustration] │constellations│
│ │ │ │
│27│ │ ♀ ♅ ⚹ ☿ │
│ │ │ do not │
│28│Hare-hunting ends. Cats'-skins rise. │ augur more │
└──┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┘