From SIR JOHN NORTH to RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, Gent.
DEAR RIG.—Have you read my famous book,
About the wonderful route I took;
Through frost and snow, how I went so far,
To stare in vain at the polar star,
And how I sought by night and noon
To bag the beams of the arctic moon;
And how it was far beyond a joke
To think my steam should end in smoke;
With all the spiteful things I said,
As I knock'd the engine on the head;
And how I've fill'd up countless pages
With sneers at the "Useful Knowledge" sages;
And about the land of the Esquimaux,
Where I gave a squeeze to many a squaw;
But sighed to think that a time must come
To clear them off by "the force of Rum;"
And how I came to an island blest,
Which foot of man had never press'd,
And grateful to the Spinning _Gin_-ny,
That lined my purse with many a guinea,
I straightway handed down to fame
A Smithfield _Booth's_ immortal name?
I did such deeds as would make you stare;
'Twere a bore to tell how I kill'd a bear;
Or how, for want of a better meal,
I seal'd the fate of many a seal.
And have you read that, to crown the whole,
I'm almost sure I found the Pole;
('Twas twirling round, on its centre set,
Like an opera dancer's pirouette,)
And though the fog as thick did look
As a certain stupid quarto book,
One night I saw a vision fair,
Of knighthood's honours in the air;
And how, agog to reach my glory,
I hasten'd home to print my story;
And how I thought 'twould have been no blame
To have left behind the halt and lame,
Dead weights that, everybody knows,
Are only fit to feed the crows?
For if, Dear Rig., you'll only look,
All this, and more, is in my book.
* * * * *
THE COMET, which has so long been looked for, suddenly made its
appearance here on the 5th inst. between the hours of four and five in
the morning, and the servant maids were pretty particularly astonished
when they arose, to find that its tail had lighted all their fires, and
boiled all their kettles for breakfast. For this piece of service they
have christened it the "tail of love."—_American Paper._
[Illustration:
OCTOBER.—'S^t. Crispin's Day'
]
┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│1836.] │ OCTOBER. │
├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │The sum of Summer is cast at last, │
│ │And carried to Wintry season, │
│ │And the frighten'd _leaves_ are _leaving_ us fast; │
│ │If they stayed it would be _high trees-on_. │
│ │The sheep, exposed to the rain and drift, │
│ │Are left to all sorts of _wethers_, │
│ │And the ragged young birds must _make a shift_, │
│ │Until they can get new feathers. │
├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤
│ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │
│ D│ Signs. │ │ │
├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤
│ 1│Now │ │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 2│heroes │ "ST CRISPIN'S DAY." │ moweth │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 3│bold │ AN ECLOGUE. │ his grass, │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 4│in │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ ♀ ♃ ⊕ ♎ ♐ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 5│leather │ARISE, COBBLERIUS, cast thy awl away, │ │
│ │ │The sun is up, and 'tis SAINT CRISPIN'S │ when he │
│ │ │ DAY. │ │
│ 6│breeches │Leave vulgar snobs to mend plebeian soles,│ │
│ │ │For you and I will jollify, by goles! │should leave│
│ 7│do │ │ │
│ │ │ COBBLERIUS. │ them │
│ 8│leap │ │ │
│ │ │A seedy poet, lodging next the sky, │ │
│ 9│o'er │Came yesternight, entreating me to try │ ♉ ☍ ♈ ♀ │
│ │ │And mend his _understanding_ by the noon; │ │
│10│five │When that is done, I'm yours for a blue │ │
│ │ │ moon. │ │
│ │ │ │ standing; │
│11│barred │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│12│gates │Then while you cobble, let us chaunt a │ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♍ ☽ │
│ │ │ stave: │ │
│ │ │We're "Temp'rance" folks, so let the theme│ │
│ │ │ be grave. │ │
│13│and │Let's sing yon palace to the God of Gin: │ │
│ │ │Who pipes the best, a pot of malt shall │the sick man│
│ │ │ win. │ │
│14│ditches │ │ │
│ │ │ COBBLERIUS. │throweth off│
│15│the │ │ │
│ │ │I take your challenge—to your plan agree; │ his │
│16│perils │Yon Costermonger shall our umpire be. │ │
│ │ │ │ warm │
│17│of │ COSTERMONGERIUS. │ │
│ │ │ │ clothing, │
│18│the │I'm bottle-holder for a glass of max; │ │
│ │ │So clear your pipes, my jolly cocks o' │ │
│ │ │ vax. │ │
│19│field │ │ ☌ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♎ │
│ │ │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ │
│20│to │ │ ⚹ ♏ ♀ │
│ │ │"Here, _sprightly_ folks, by _spirits_ │ │
│ │ │ turn'd to _sprites_, │ │
│21│dare │Whose _rosy_ cheeks are chang'd to _lily │ ☿ ♄ │
│ │ │ whites_, │ │
│ │ │Caught in the _snares_ of _Gin_, rue not │ │
│ │ │ their ruin, │ │
│22│and │But do their best, to do their own │ │
│ │ │ undoing!" │ │
│ │ │ │ when he │
│23│hunt │ COBBLERIUS. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│24│that │"_Rum_ customers, who're far more sad than│should wrap │
│ │ │ funny, │ │
│ │ │Here get no trust when they have spent │ │
│ │ │ their money: │ │
│25│furious │No pay no potion;—by this rule they stick;│ │
│ │ │The lighted _dial_, only, goes _on tick_."│ himself up │
│26│beast │ │ │
│ │ │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ │
│27│the │ │ ☊ ♓ ☋ ♌ │
│ │ │"Here, Mothers, by some devilish fiend │ │
│ │ │ possest, │ │
│28│hare! │Drive their poor infants from the port of │ closer; │
│ │ │ _Breast_; │ │
│ │ │And 'stead of mother's _milk_, whene'er │ │
│ │ │ they scream, │ │
│29│Oh, │Stop their shrill crying with a glass of │ ♀ ♏ ⚹ │
│ │ │ _cream_." │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│30│courage │ COBBLERIUS. │ the │
│ │ │ │ │
│31│rare! │"Here _compounds_ dire, which ne'er can │ ♂ ☽ ☌ ♄ │
│ │ │ _cordials_ be, │ │
│ │ │Turn _seedy fellows_ into _felos de se_."—│ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ │ │ COSTERMONGERIUS. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ │ │Just stow your magging, for you've piped │ │
│ │ │ enough, │ │
│ │ │And, blow me, if I ever heard sich stuff! │ │
│ │ │Vy, vhat's the hods, I'll be so bold to │ │
│ │ │ ax, │ │
│ │ │'Twixt swilling heavy vet, and swigging │ │
│ │ │ max? │ │
│ │ │So stow your staves, and as it's chilly │ │
│ │ │ veather, │ │
│ │ │Ve'll mix the max and heavy vet together: │ │
│ │ │And then, my lads o' leather, you shall │ │
│ │ │ see │ │
│ │ │How cosily the mixture vill agree. │ │
└──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘
ANNUAL REGISTER
OF
REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES.
JAN. 13th.—_Three_ young men on the Serpentine cutting a figure of
_six_, about _nine_ in the morning of _twelfth_ day, were _two_
careless, though warned be-_four_, to _weight_ the reading of the
Society's "not-ice," so popped into _sixteen_ feet water. They were
speedily helped out of the ice-_well_, and resolved to _cut_ away and
not _come again_.
21st.—An Omnibus Cad was brought before the Lord Mayor, charged with
having been guilty of civility to a passenger, by neglecting to bang the
door against his _stern_, in time to throw him on his _head_. His
Lordship said such conduct was unprecedented; but as the man, in
extenuation, proved that he had cried "go _on_," while another gentleman
was getting _off_, he thought the case did not call for interference.
The culprit, however, was dismissed by the Paddington committee, lest
his example should contaminate the others.
FEB. 4th.—The following horrible event occurred in a family lately
arrived from India. A female of colour, one of the establishment, was
sitting by the fire, with two of her dark little progeny by her side,
when a black footman, remarkable for his savage disposition, suddenly
entered the room, seized one of them in each hand, hurried to the water
cistern, and plunging in the struggling little ones, held them till life
was extinct. In vain the distracted mother implored compassion; the
bystanders seemed to think there was no law against drowning kittens.
MARCH 12th.—An elderly gentleman, crossing Fleet Street, was driven
_through_ by the _Perseverance_ Omnibus. He was carried into the nearest
shop, and, after taking six boxes of Morison's pills, felt so little
inconvenience that he expressed his determination to keep the orifice
open, so as not to be an obstruction to carriages in future.
8th.—On Thursday, died Old Tom, the Leadenhall Market Gander, after
having worthily supported the city dignity for thirty years. The Court
of Aldermen attended his funeral, and his deeds were not forgotten by
the City Remembrancer. His spirit still haunts the old spot, and nightly
takes in his favourite stuffing of sage and onions, and the poulterers
say they always know _the ghost_ when they see him _a-gobblin_.
26th.—Mr. Morison was elected principal of Brazen-nose College on
presenting to its library a copy of his treatise on _Assurance_, with
tables of the average termination of life, as deduced from the last
returns of the _pills_ of mortality.
APRIL 1st.—According to annual custom, a considerable number of persons
assembled this morning on Tower Hill to see the Lions washed. It was,
however, officially notified that, the menagerie having been broken up,
they could not be gratified, but that his Majesty, in order to prevent
their entire disappointment, would, for this occasion, substitute the
shaving of a Donkey; with a recommendation that each individual do
perform the ceremony at his own home in future.
14th.—The Hackney Coaches of the Metropolis met at their usual resting
time, which lasts from sixty minutes past twelve on Saturday night till
sixty minutes before one on Sunday morning, and resolved to petition
Parliament in favour of Sir Andrew's Sunday Bill. They complained that
though on that day they always had more _fare_, they had no more food,
for though they were never without the taste of _a bit_, they had no
leisure to bite; and that though the weather might be ever so fine, for
them it was always _rein_-y. They, however, did not wish to make
exorbitant demands, and would be quite satisfied if Sunday, to others a
day of joy, might be to them a day of "_Wo_." Earl _Grey_ was asked to
present the petition, and signified "yea" by saying "neigh."
MAY 5th.—The attention of the passengers in Salisbury Square was excited
by observing an inhabitant come out at the attic window of a house (No.
66), and pass along the parapet. His next neighbour, with whom he was
known to be on bad terms, soon after appeared on the adjacent roof. They
approached each other with signs of anger, and grappling, engaged in a
furious struggle;—both fell from the parapet;—fortunately escaping the
iron spikes below, and alighting on their feet, each spit at the other,
cried "moll-row," and rushed down his own area.
15th.—As Doctor Fillpot was walking in the Zoological Gardens, his
Christian charity was blown into the cage of the Humming birds, and
instantly pecked up by the voracious little animals, who, strange to
say, did not seem at all inconvenienced by the extraordinary meal.
JUNE 3rd.—A nursemaid and three fine children were lost in some cart
ruts, called "The New Promenade," in Regent's Park, and have never been
heard of since.
9th.—At the Annual Meeting of the Proprietors of the Thames Tunnel, the
secretary reported that though the _Leeks_ had all ceased, he was happy
to say there was no diminution of _Salaries_; that they had got _over_
all the soft _mud_, which was hard; but they had now to get _under_ a
hard _rock_, which was harder; that their money in the _stocks_ was
expended in digging _stones_; and that they had not reached the opposite
_Bank_, though they had exhausted their _Banker_; and that, in all
probability, though they might labour to the end, they would never see
the end of their labour; for however _light_ they might make of it, they
were more in the _dark_ than ever. The meeting, in great discontent,
divided without a dividend; and, grunting like _hogs_, pronounced the
w_hole_ a great _bore_.
JULY 5th.—The old and young elephants, from the Zoological Gardens, were
brought up at Marylebone office. It appears that during the night they
had made their way to the Paddington Canal _Bank_, had broken open the
_Locks_, and abstracted all the water, with which they got beastly
"drunk on the premises." Their return home in that state caused
suspicion to fall on them, and their apartments being searched, the
stolen property was found concealed in their _trunks_, together with
pawnbrokers' duplicates for the contents of the Grand Junction
reservoir, and the City basin, both of which had suddenly disappeared in
a very mysterious manner, and having been at low water of late, and much
run upon, owing to the dry weather, were supposed to have run away. The
culprits showed their teeth at the charge, as hard as ivory, and
speechified at length, but a clear case being established, they offered
their _pledges_ for better behaviour; however, the worthy magistrate
stopped their _spouting_, and sent them to the treadmill. The office was
crowded by members of the Temperance Society, several of whom offered to
become bail for them.
21st.—At the last Drawing Room, Captain Bodkin had the honour of
presenting Cleopatra's needle to the Queen. Her Majesty was pleased to
send to _Cable Street_ for a hundred yards of _Wopping_ Thread, and in
the evening one of the maids of honour used it, by Her Majesty's desire,
to work a button-hole of a new shirt for Mister O'Killus in the park.
AUGUST 4th.—On Sunday, the 2nd, Lord H. visited the Bear-pit in the
Zoological Gardens, and leaning too far over the wall, fell among the
interesting animals, who were so alarmed at the sight that they were
seized with convulsions, and have been in a nervous state ever since.
17th.—An old woman was charged with selling apples on a Sunday morning.
She was too poor to keep a _shop_, so was committed to the _Counter_. It
appeared that her basket obstructed the people in their way to the
Gravesend Sunday boats.
26th.—A steam-boat party going down the river for a Marine _Gala_, were
caught in a _gale_. The Catastrophe happened off the Isle of _Dogs_, and
the hurricane _setting_ in during a Quadrille, they tried in vain to
stand _firm_, for _partners_ were driven "right and left;" the "Ladies'
chain" was broken off in the middle, and "The Lancers" totally put to
the rout. The chimney _fell_ in the midst of a _cadence_, and the mast
was _shivered_ during a _shake_, but the musicians were all ruined, for
their instruments were blown _beyond Fidlers' reach_.
SEPT. 1st.—The Duke of Nemours, with his suite, rode through Coventry
Street, when the figure of Fieschi became visibly agitated, and
attempted to discharge the Infernal Machine at him. Nothing but its
being a sham, and not loaded, saved the Duke from the fate intended for
his father.
5th.—The Ladies' Brazen Monument to the Duke of Wellington, having been
_smoked_ a good deal of late, its noble proprietresses determined on
giving it an autumnal washing before the fall of the leaf. For this
purpose, the (Holy) Alliance Company lent their engine, a fiery Marquess
played the pipe, and a committee of Countesses worked the pumps. The
figure was then invested in a new shirt, presented by Her Majesty,
against the cold weather.
20th.—A sailing party from Margate, finding themselves near _Urn_ bay,
resolved to drink _tea_. Mrs. Bullion, of Cheapside, one of the company,
proposed music in the air, and, being inspired by the water, volunteered
"The Land;" but, in getting up to C above, she overreached herself, and
fell into the sea below. At first, Mr. Bullion feared she would prove
_dead stock_ on his hands, but he soon saw she was _floating, capital_;
so he bargained with some _dredgers_ to give her an _hoister_ on board
again. The _natives_ were greatly alarmed at the occurrence.
OCT. 3rd.—Mrs. Belasco delivered her concluding Lecture on morality,
with illustrations, in the Saloon of the Haymarket Theatre.
7th.—The Penitentiary at Millbank was partly destroyed by fire; luckily
the flames were extinguished, without making an auto-da-fé of the fair
penitents, many of whom were insured by destiny from that sort of
untimely end. The treadmill was unfortunately burnt, to the great
inconvenience of several industrious persons who were practising on it,
to qualify themselves for places of service where there was a good deal
of running upstairs.
12th.—The paupers of Gripeham workhouse having been, under the new law,
deprived of their tobacco, deputed one old woman, as the _organ_ of the
rest, to demand a restoration of their _pipes_. The overseers withstood
her _fire_, and refused her _smoke_; however, at the suggestion of one
of their body who had learned Latin, they consented to allow her a
"_Quid_ pro quo."
NOV. 15th.—The Society for the Protection of Animals held its yearly
meeting. The report stated, that in Billingsgate their efforts had met
with great success. In the following meritorious cases the large silver
medal was awarded:—To Diana Finn, for cracking the necks of a pound of
eels before she skinned them; to Simon Soft, for boiling his lobsters in
cold water; to Ephraim Hacket, for crimping cod with a blunted knife;
and to Felix Flat, for refusing to open live oysters. In other quarters
humanity was also progressing, and prizes were given to Hans Lever, for
drubbing a donkey with the _thin_ end of his cudgel, at the request of
an officer of this Society; and to Nicodemus Nacks, for consenting to
keep a plaster on his pony's _raw_, except on pleasure parties, and
other occasions requiring extra persuasion. The thanks of the Society
were voted to Daniel Dozer, Esq., of New River Head, for using dead
worms as a bait: and the gold medal to the same gentleman, for his
practice of angling without hooking the fish. A premium was also offered
by the Society for some preparation of ox(h)ide of iron, which shall
enable a bullock's back to resist a whacking.
DEC. 7th.—Sir Harcourt Lees was frightened into fits by O'Connell's
ghost, which appeared in the shape of a moving _Mass_, with cloven feet,
a long _tail_, and the _Pope's eye_ in the middle of his forehead.
18th.—During the exhibition of the gas microscope, the water tigers,
irritated by the intense blaze of light to which they were exposed,
after several tremendous efforts to escape, broke from their
confinement, and sprang among the spectators. Three young ladies from a
boarding school were instantly devoured. The ferocious animals next
turned their attention to the governess and an old teacher, who, proving
rather tough, afforded time for their keeper to secure them, which he
did by re-absorbing them in a drop of water on the point of a needle.
[Illustration:
NOVEMBER.—'Lord Mayor's Day'
]
┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│1836.] │ NOVEMBER. │
├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │When good Sir John has carried his bill, │
│ │No dread of Term shall the poet fill, │
│ │The Scholar shall _write_, and fear no _writ_, │
│ │No _White Cross bars_ shall _bar_ his wit, │
│ │The _Fleet, unmann'd_, no more alarm, │
│ │The _King's Bench_ be but _an empty Form_. │
├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤
│ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │
│ D│ Signs. │ │ │
├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤
│ 1│Murky │ │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 2│burky │ LORD MAYOR'S SHOW. │stage-coach │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 3│damp │ I SING of a jolly day, │ traveller │
│ │ │ A civical holiday; │ │
│ 4│and │ Some call a folly day: │ ♃ △ ☍ □ ♂ │
│ │ │ Weather is foggified; │ │
│ 5│drear │ Mechanics get groggified, │ │
│ │ │ Citizens hoggified: │ journeyeth │
│ 6│see │ The rain it is drizzling, │ │
│ │ │ Mizzling, frizzling; │ │
│ 7│this │ Streets are all slippery; │ ♈ ☊ ♍ │
│ │ │ Girls sport their frippery: │ │
│ 8│gloomy │ Sweethearts are squeezing 'em, │ │
│ │ │ Pleasing 'em,—teazing 'em. │ outside │
│ 9│month │ Rabble are bawling, O! │ │
│ │ │ Women are squalling, O! │ │
│10│appear │ Banners are waving, │the vehicle;│
│ │ │ Policemen are staving │ │
│11│London │ On heads misbehaving: │ │
│ │ │ Ward beadles bustling, │ │
│12│fill'd │ Pickpockets hustling; │ □ ♃ △ ♂ │
│ │ │ People tip-toeing it: │ │
│13│with │ Swell mob are going it, │ │
│ │ │ Making sly snatches │ when │
│14│slush │ At brooches and watches. │ │
│ │ │ Horses are neighing, │ he should │
│15│and fog │ Urchins huzzaing; │ │
│ │ │ Trumpets are braying; │ snugly │
│16│looks │ Trombones are grumbling, │ │
│ │ │ Bassoons are rumbling, │ ensconce │
│17│just │ Clarinets speaking, │ │
│ │ │ Piccoloes squeaking. │ himself │
│18│like an │See, there goes the armour man; │ │
│ │ │Ne'er was a calmer man; │ within; │
│19│Irish │Sitting inside the _mail_, he │ │
│ │ │Looks a little bit paly. │ │
│20│bog │And hark! what a drumming! │ ♈ ☍ ♉ ♋ ♎ │
│ │ │The Lord Mayor is coming; │ │
│21│every │And here are the Aldermen, │with divers │
│ │ │There's very few balder men; │ │
│22│trouble │And there march the Livery, │ │
│ │ │Looking quite shivery; │ and sundry │
│23│now │In and out straggling, │ │
│ │ │Thro' the mud draggling. │ │
│24│seems │I'm sure the poor sinners │ ♊ ♒ ☿ ♍ │
│ │ │Must long for their dinners. │ │
│25│double │Well, now the fun's over │ │
│ │ │They'll fatten in clover; │ │
│26│and the │And afterwards drink on it. │ such-like │
│ │ │So, what do you think on it? │ │
│27│worst │Don't it shew quite effectual │ │
│ │ │The March Intellectual? │ │
│28│in all │ │ ♀ ♈ ☍ │
│ │ │ │ │
│29│the │ │ sad │
│ │ │ │ │
│30│year. │ │ mischances │
└──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘
_Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British
Illuminati, at their Annual Meeting, held in Dublin,
August, 1835._
DR. HOAXUM read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams into
substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had
recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies,
whose prospectuses he laid upon the table.
Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers
were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir
John North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto
volume and a cheesemonger's shop; and solved a curious question as to
the decimal proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the
rule of allegation, would produce a product of 10,000_l._
Professor Von Hammer described his newly-discovered process for breaking
stones by an algebraic fraction.
Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He
defended their _caws_ with great _effect_, and proved that there is not
a _grain_ of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from
_Grub_ Street malice.
The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered
alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its
auto-biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly
broken into, being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time
alone. Some extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly
interesting. Its thoughts on the "silent system" of prison discipline,
though written _in the dark_, strictly agreed with those of our most
_enlightened_ political economists.
Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydro-_gin_,
which greatly interested those of the association who were members of
Temperance Societies.
Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society,
on the construction of _frog-stools_.
Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly
articulated the words "_Repale! Repale!_" to the great delight of many
of the audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on
another, for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already
say, "My Lords and Gentlemen;" and he doubted not, by the next meeting
of Parliament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening
speech.
Mr. Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his exaggerating
machine. He displayed its amazing powers on the mathematical point,
which, with little trouble, was made to appear as large as a
coach-wheel. He demonstrated its utility in all the relations of
society, as applied to the failings of the absent—the growth of a tale
of scandal—the exploits of travellers, &c. &c.
The Author of the "Pleasures of Hope" presented, through a member, a
very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the throttling of
crying children; but as the ladies would not leave the room, it could
not be read.
Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a small
bottle which, he asserted, contained scintillations of the Aurora
Borealis, from which, he stated, he had succeeded in extracting pure
gold. He announced that his nephew was preparing for a course of similar
experiments, of which he expected to know the result in October. The
gallant Captain then favoured the company with a dissertation on
phrenology, of which, he said, he had been a believer for thirty years.
He stated that he had made many valuable verifications of that science
on the skulls of the Esquimaux; and that, in his recent tour in quest of
subscribers to his book, his great success had been mainly attributable
to his phrenological skill; for that, whenever he had an opportunity of
feeling for soft places in the heads of the public, he knew in a moment
whether he should get a customer or not. He said that whether in the
examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads—in the choice of horses or
housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent utility. He related
the following remarkable phrenological cases:—A man and woman were
executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence; but another
criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day after the
execution. The whole country was horrified; but Captain North having
examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of
their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for
they must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their
infant child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on
its head the same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil; for
which purpose, by means of a pair of moulds, he so compressed the skull
in its vicious propensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that
the child grew up a model of perfection. The second instance was of a
married couple, whose lives were a continued scene of discord till they
parted. On examining their heads scientifically, he discovered the
elementary causes of their unhappiness. Their skulls were unfortunately
too thick to be treated as in the foregoing case; but, causing both
their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down in some places, and
laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all the requisite
phrenological developments, and they were then living a perfect pattern
of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened without
phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applauses from
the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly
excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the
subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such
eagerness that the meeting dissolved in confusion.)