A most respectable friend of mine, at the suggestion of a worthy
magistrate of Surrey, felt himself constrained to take steps for his
improvement at that celebrated place of fashionable resort, Brixton
Tread Mill.
For a considerable period he was greatly delighted with this elegant
mode of recreation; and was much struck with the ingenuity of an
invention by which a person might walk fifty or sixty miles a day,
without the inconvenience of changing the scene. But, somehow or
other, being a man of very ardent temperament, he entered so much
into the spirit of the amusement that—but I scarcely know how to
describe it, lest I should be suspected of exaggeration, a fault I
hold in the greatest abhorrence—in short, we have all of us heard of
pedestrians, after a hard day's travel, complain of having nearly
walked their feet off; but my unfortunate friend literally did so;
and so intent was he on his salubrious pastime that he kept walking
on upon his bare stumps; nor would it have been discovered, had not
his feet, on finding that they had no longer the power of motion,
determined that nothing else should have that power; and spitefully
stopped the mill, by getting entangled in the machinery.
The kind-hearted governor, who witnessed the occurrence, told my
friend not to mind such a trifle, but to _morris on_. This happy
expression brought to his mind your justly famous _Morrissing
Pills_; and being naturally desrious of recovering his footing, a
messenger was _morrissed off_ for a supply. At the first dose, he
only swallowed a dozen boxes, which had no very visible effect; a
thing not to be wondered at; because, as you justly observe in your
advertisements, it is impossible to take too many. The following
night, however, he trebled the quantity; and, next morning, being
awakened by what seemed the shooting of his corns, he put his hand
down, and found a pair of full-grown handsome feet, more than twice
as big as his old ones. I should observe, there was one trifling
deviation,—the heels were foremost; and, on getting out of bed, and
attempting to walk towards the mill, he found an invariable tendency
to proceed in an opposite direction. On the circumstance being
observed by the governor, he very kindly told him not to afflict
himself on that head, as he found all his pupils at first had a
similar propensity; but, by a strict attention to a bread-and-water
regimen, and a small quantity of blood being drawn from the back by
one of his amiable assistants, they soon so far recovered, that the
mere presence of himself, or one of his assistants, was quite
sufficient to prevent a relapse. My friend suggested that a dose, or
even the promise of a dose, of the _Morrissing Pills_ would be much
more certain to prove efficacious; and the governor very politely
promised to give them a trial, as he confessed, he said, that the
operation of bleeding was particularly painful to his tender
feelings.
As to the inconvenience of the matter in the ordinary business of
life, my respected friend seems to think that it can make but little
difference, as he has always gone backward all his life-time;
indeed, it is a question with him whether it is not an advantage;
as, instead of mixing in mobs and frays, as he was very much in the
habit of doing, his feet will now carry him in a clean contrary
direction, quite out of harm's way.
I remain, respected Sir,
Your gullible Servant,
GILES GOSLING.
No. 1,
Find-it-out-if-you-can Lane,
No-where Street.
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