Departs secretly from his master--Travels to Bristol--
Religious thoughts by the way--Enters on shipboard, and is
made captain's steward
I seemed to be very well satisfied whilst my master was speaking; but
though I thought he talked like an angel, my former uneasiness seized me
at parting with him. In short, without more consideration, I rose in
the morning early and marched off, having first wrote to my wife at her
aunt's, relating the state of the case to her, with my resolution to
leave England the first opportunity, giving her what comfort I could,
assuring her if I ever was a gainer in life she should not fail to be a
partaker, and promising also to let her know where I settled. I walked
at a great rate, for fear my master's kindness should prompt him to
send after me; and taking the bye-ways, I reached by dark night a
little village, where I resolved to halt. Upon inquiry I found myself
thirty-five miles from my master's. I had eaten nothing all day, and was
very hungry and weary, but my crown-piece was as yet whole; however I
fed very sparingly, being over-pressed with the distress of my affairs
and the confusion of my thoughts. I slept that night tolerably, but the
morning brought its face of horror with it. I had inquired over-night
where I was, and been informed that I was not above sixteen miles from
Bristol, for which place I then resolved.
At my setting out in the morning, after I had walked about three miles,
and had recollected a little my master's last discourse, I found by
degrees my spirit grew calmer than it had been since I left Mr. G. at my
house (as I shall ever call it), and looking into myself for the cause,
found another set of thoughts were preparing a passage into my mind,
which did not carry half the dread and terror with them that their
predecessors had; for I began to cast aside the difficulties and
apprehensions I before felt in my way, and encouraging the present
motions, soon became sensible of the benefit of a virtuous education;
and though what I had hitherto done in the immediate service of God, I
must own had been performed from force, custom, and habit, and without
the least attention to the object of the duty; yet, as under my mother
at home, and my master at the academy, I had been always used to say my
prayers, as they called it, morning and night: I began, with a sort of
superstitious reflection, to accuse myself of having omitted that duty
the night before, and also at my setting out in the morning, and very
much to blame myself for it, and, at the same instant, even wondered at
myself for that blame. What, says I, is the real use of this praying;
and to whom or to what do we pray? I see no one to pray to; neither have
I ever thought that my prayers would be answered. It is true they are
worded as if we prayed to God: but He is in heaven; does He concern
Himself with us who can do Him no service? Can I think all my prayers
that I have said, from day to day, so many years, have been heard by
Him? No, sure; if they had, I should scarce have sustained this hard
fate in my fortune. But hold, how have I prayed to Him? Have I earnestly
prayed to Him, as I used to petition my mother for anything when I
wanted it against her inclination? No, I can't say I have. And would my
mother have granted me such things, if she had not thought I had from my
heart desired them, when I used to be so earnest with her? No, surely; I
can't say she had any reason for it. But I had her indeed before me; now
I have not God in my view: He is in heaven. Yet, let me see; my master
(and I can't help thinking he must know) used to say that God is a
spirit, and not confined by the incumbrance of a body, as we are; now,
if it is so, why may He not virtually be present with me, though I don't
perceive Him? Why may He not be at once in heaven and elsewhere? For if
He consists not in parts, nothing can circumscribe Him: and, truly,
I believe it must be so; for if He is of that supreme power as He is
represented, He could never act in so unconfined a capacity, under
the restraint of place; but if He is an operative and purely spiritual
Being, then I can see no reason why His virtual essence should not
be diffused through all nature; and then (which I begin to think most
likely) why should I not suppose Him ever present with me, and able
to hear me? And why should not I, when I pray, have a full idea of the
Being, though not of any corporeal parts or form of God, and so have
actually somewhat to be intent upon in my prayers, and not do as I have
hitherto done, say so many words only upon my knees; which I cannot help
thinking may be as well without either sense or meaning in themselves,
as without a proper object in my mind to direct them unto?
These thoughts agitated me at least two miles, working stronger and
stronger in me; till at length, bursting into tears, Have I been doing
nothing, says I, in the sight of God, under the name of prayers, for so
many years? Yes, it is certainly so. Well, by the grace of God, it shall
be so no longer; I will try somewhat more. So looking round about me, to
see if I was quite alone, I stepped into an adjoining copse, and could
scarce refrain falling on my knees, till I came to a proper place for
kneeling in. I then poured forth my whole soul and spirit to God; and
all my strength, and every member, every faculty was to the utmost
employed, for a considerable time, in the most agreeable as well as
useful duty. I would indeed have begun with my accustomed prayers, and
had repeated some words of them; when, as though against and contrary to
my design, I was carried away by such rapturous effusions that, to this
hour, when I reflect thereon, I cannot believe but I was moved to them
by a much more than human impulse. However, this ecstasy did not last
above a quarter of an hour; but it was considerably longer before my
spirits subsided to their usual frame. When I had a little composed
myself, how was I altered! how did I condemn myself for all my past
disquiet! what calm thanks did I return for the ease and satisfaction
of mind I then enjoyed! And coming to a small rivulet, I drank a hearty
draught of water and contentedly proceeded on my journey. I reached
Bristol about four o'clock in the afternoon. Having refreshed myself,
I went the same evening to the quay to inquire what ships were in the
river, whither bound, and when they would depart. My business was with
the sailors, of whom there were at that time great numbers there; but I
could meet with no employ, though I gave out I would gladly enter myself
before the mast. After I had done the best I could, but without success,
I returned to the little house I had dined at, and went to bed very
pensive. I did not forget my prayers; but I could by no means be roused
to such devotion as I felt in the morning. Next day I walked again
to the quay, asking all I met, who looked like seafaring men, for
employment; but could hear of none, there being many waiting for berths;
and I feared my appearance (which was not so mean as most of that sort
of gentry is) would prove no small disappointment to my preferment that
way. At last, being out of heart with my frequent repulses, I went to a
landing-place just by, and as I asked some sailors, who were putting two
gentlemen on shore, if they wanted a hand on board their ship, one of
the gentlemen, whom I afterwards found to be the master of a vessel
bound to the coast of Africa, turned back and looking earnestly on me,
"Young man," says he, "do you want employment on board?" I immediately
made him a bow, and answered, "Yes, sir." Said he, "There is no talking
in this weather (for it then blew almost a storm), but step into that
tavern," pointing to the place, "and I will be with you presently." I
went thither, and not long after came my future master. He asked me many
questions, but the first was, whether I had been at sea. I told him no;
but I did not doubt soon to learn the duty of a sailor. He then looked
on my hand, and shaking his head, told me it would not do, for I had too
soft a hand. I told him I was determined for the sea, and that my hand
and heart should go together; and I hoped my hand would soon harden,
though not my heart. He then told me it was a pity to take such a pretty
young fellow before the mast; but if I understood accounts tolerably,
and could write a good hand, he would make me his steward, and make it
worth my while. I answered in the affirmative, joyfully accepting his
offer; but on his asking me where my chest was (for, says he, if the
wind had not been so strong against me, I had fallen down the river
this morning), I looked very blank, and plainly told him I had no other
stores than I carried on my back. The captain smiled. Says he, "Young
man, I see you are a novice; why, the meanest sailor in my ship has a
chest, at least, and perhaps something in it. Come," says he, "my lad,
I like your looks; be diligent and honest; I will let you have a little
money to set you out, and deduct it in your pay." He was then pulling
out his purse, when I begged him, as he seemed to show me so great a
kindness, that he would order somebody to buy what necessaries he knew
I should want for me, or I should be under as great a difficulty to know
what to get, and where to buy them, as I should have been at for want of
them. He commended my prudence, and said he would buy them and send them
on board himself; so bid me trouble myself no more about them, but go to
the ship in the return of his boat, and stay there till he came; giving
me a ticket to the boat's crew to take me in. When I came to the shore,
the boat was gone off and at a good distance; but I hailed them, and
showing my ticket, they put back and took me safe to the ship; heartily
glad that I was entered upon my new service.