"I will dance and eat plums at your wedding."
SHAKSPEARE.
It is said somewhere in the Spectator, that "a woman seldom asks advice
before she buys her wedding clothes." Now Miss Robinson neither asked
advice before nor after; for, being an orphan, and of full age, there
was no necessity to go through any such ceremony; she therefore decided
for herself, that having no aversion in the abstract towards the holy
state of wedlock, she could not make a particular sacrifice of that
liberty which she had not, perhaps, found such a panacea for all the
evils of life as Poets and Romancers teach, in a better cause than the
present. Mr. Hartland was every thing which a reasonable woman could
desire in a spouse, and accordingly his suit was not rejected. No
projected alliance ever gave more general satisfaction; and not a
single dissentient voice was raised against its prosperous completion,
except that of Mrs. Bunn, the house-keeper at Henbury, who, in common
with all persons holding the same situation under a bachelor's roof,
never could abide the bare idea of "the Master's" marriage, even though
it were to a Duchess in her own right.
On the first day, when Trotter the groom rode on with orders to have
the best of every thing prepared for luncheon, and the gardener was
desired to bring in the finest fruit that could be had, Mrs. Bunn
augured ill of the message, which she considered symptomatic; but when
it came to her being called upon for a fresh supply of linen, and
informed moreover that Mr. Hartland was going back to Colbrook, her
heart, as she expressed it, "died within her;" and not being able to
find the hartshorn-bottle in a moment of such flurry, she is said to
have had recourse to brandy, so completely were her spirits subdued by
the prospect too fatally realized of a finished reign. To abdicate was
preferable, however, to being deposed; and when Mrs. Bunn's agitation
subsided, she came to that conclusion, resolving to avoid the disgrace
of a dismissal, and by resigning the seals of office, while affairs of
higher interest occupied the mind of our Benedict, prevent too keen a
scrutiny into past conduct. Thus ended the dynasty of Bunn; and we must
forgive her for casting "a lingering look behind," as she quitted the
"flesh pots" of Henbury, for which she seemed to have as decided a
taste as ever Sancho discovered.
With this single exception, as has been observed, all was smooth
assent; and great was the sensation produced through town and country,
when Miss Ferrett, cantering her pony at a quicker gait than usual,
suddenly drew up opposite to the post-office door, and communicated to
an expectant group of some four or five _quidnuncs_ who were waiting
the arrival of the coach, that "everything was settled." She was in
her element; and in such a state of stimulus that she could scarcely
control the effervescence of her spirits. Finishing her proclamation
with "God save the King," she pushed forward to cry another "O yes!" at
the milliner's and the apothecary's; after which she hastened home to
set in movement sundry preparations in furtherance of the great event,
which, with better foundation than is common in general to swelling
pretensions, she justly considered as all "her own doing." We are
usually partial to whatever owes its existence to ourselves, and
therefore Miss Ferret's excitement was nothing extraordinary, and may
be excused.
Our readers are by this time sufficiently acquainted with the _carte
du pays_ of Colbrook within and Colbrook without, to know in what
part of the newspaper to look for the registry of a wedding conducted
under the auspices of its goodly possessors and their auxiliaries. The
sagacious and informed will not expect a detached paragraph, exhibiting
such a host of Lords and Ladies that the happy pair are scarcely
distinguishable in the brilliant mob; and which, were it not for the
heading of "Marriage in High Life," might be mistaken for the list of
arrivals at a London hotel; but the announcement of _our_ nuptial
rites will be sought, and found in that column, which, at one
comprehensive view, presents a picture of human life, and directs the
moral eye from the cradle to the grave.
We must not anticipate, however; for much is to be done before the
printer sets his types to the titles of Francis Hartland, Esq. of
Henbury-lodge, and Harriet, eldest daughter of a goodly 'Squire, John
Robinson by name, and gentleman by degree. Lady Goodman wrote to her
friend Mrs. Palmer, to send patterns of all sorts from town; while Sir
Roger, who was as much delighted as Miss Ferret with the coming event,
set to work with Mr. Points, the Solicitor, who rode off post haste to
Colbrook at three several times, as if he was an express; and when
arrived, bustled into the breakfast-parlour (for there was no library,
there being no readers at Colbrook,) with such stir and importance, and
made notes of the intended settlement with such pompous solemnity, that
an inhabitant of another planet, suddenly introduced to the scene,
might be fully borne out in the supposition, that our "special" was
employed in taking depositions against a state prisoner, chargeable, at
the very least, with design to overset the Constitution and compass the
death of our beloved Sovereign.
Let it not be imagined that Miss Ferret's was a sinecure office, during
this season of occupation. On the contrary, her dwelling in the
market-place might be styled the very centre, heart, or focus, of these
interesting proceedings. Her drawing room was the place of congress for
dress-makers, stay-makers, shoe-makers, and plain workers, while her
bed-chamber was the repository of boxes and bundles without end or
measure, from town and country. These same apartments were likewise the
scene of all the putting off, and trying on: the fault-finding and
approval; the lively criticism on shapes and colours; fashionable and
unfashionable, becoming and unbecoming, which naturally belongs most
peculiarly to that period of grand climacteric in a lady's wardrobe,
which Miss Robinson's was now to undergo; not to mention that Henbury
Lodge, being out of the mail-coach line, Miss Ferret's abode was,
moreover, a bank of deposit for innumerable and cumbersome packages
from tailors, hatters, hosiers, "_et hoc genus_," &c. insomuch that the
painstaking partisan, to whose official exertions this chapter is
principally indebted for its subject, might be justly compared to the
supple animal whose name she bore, when, with all its prying energies
elate, and with persevering industry prosecuting its vocation in the
bowels of the earth, the light crumbling soil falls in on every side,
and incloses the ferret's slender form, overwhelmed in the destruction
which itself had worked. But as it is not requisite to the appositeness
of a simile that the analogy should agree in all its parts, we are
happy to think that _our_ Ferret had well grounded prospect of
outliving her temporary sepulture, and hailing the bright beam of
Hymen's torch to guide her through the lumbering piles of paper parcels
by which she was almost suffocated; though it must on the other hand be
confessed that, after she had leisure to reflect in the still hour of
retirement on that busy crisis, she has been frequently heard to say,
that nothing short of the most devoted friendship could possibly have
sustained her; and in after times Mr. and Mrs. Hartland were often
reminded of all they owed to her unwearied zeal.
As Miss Ferret studied the _portable_ in all things, her wisdom
was condensed in aphorisms, amongst which, "there is a time for all
things," instructed her to choose the period of Christmas more
especially for stirring up the memory, and the gratitude of her
friends, when a plenitude of game, mince-pies, spiced meats, bottled
ale, and other seasonable reflections, furnished festive opportunity of
lightening a burthen on the heart, by reciprocating obligations on the
stomach. "Turn about is fair play," was another maxim which lent its
aid on these occasions.
At length matters appeared to be winding up to a point: Miss Robinson's
paraphernalia, after due exhibition, and the sly purloining of many a
useful hint, snatched hastily with scissors and brown paper, from
collar, cape, and cuffs, was all sent home; and Mr. Points witnessed
the due execution of the marriage articles at Colbrook, where Sir Roger
and Lady Goodman had from the first signified their wishes that the
approaching solemnity should be performed. The only hitch which arose,
(just enough to prove that every human scheme is less than perfect,)
occurred in the impossibility of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon's attendance on
the auspicious ceremony. Mrs. Gordon was younger sister to Miss
Robinson, and lived in Aberdeenshire, but indisposition would not
permit her to leave home, and her husband would not go without her; so
it was ordained that Sir Roger, in quality of guardian, should perform
the father's part, and that the bride and bridegroom should make a
visit to their relations in Scotland, before they sat down for life at
Henbury Lodge.
These matters being adjusted, it only remained to fix the day and the
hour for our espousals, which was accordingly done, and now succeeded
cares of no less magnitude.
It has been hinted that Sir Roger Goodman's mansion was larger than his
means of living in it. _Space_, indeed, was the first idea by which a
stranger was struck on entering the doors; for the fact was, that
besides the really capacious dimensions of each apartment, there was
such a dearth of furniture, that the eye was not interrupted in its
progress as it travelled over them. Four walls, handsomely paneled with
carved work of green and gold, enclosed an area, which was called the
billiard-room, with no other apparent object than that of exciting
attention, to remark that not a sign of table, mace, or ball, was to be
seen. In like manner the _place_ of a saloon was to be found with
nothing in it, and a chapel without provision for prayers. The "state"
bed-chambers were reserved for such momentous purposes that they were
never used at all, and therefore beds were superfluous; so they had not
any in them.
From this outline it follows that the disposable forces of hospitality
were confined at Colbrook within very straitened limits,
notwithstanding the large size of the building; and an entertainment in
this mausoleum of ancient grandeur, like a poem which we remember to
have seen somewhere or other, in imitation of Ossian, might very
appropriately be 'yclept a "feast of empty shells." Miss Ferret,
however, undertook the arrangements under the controlling direction of
Lady Goodman, and began her operations with the encouraging cheer,
"Faint heart never won fair Lady. We must put our best foot foremost."
To work she set, and what with rummaging out, scrubbing up, turning,
twisting, nailing, scouring, dying, and borrowing, things were put in
some sort of order, and accommodation provided for a numerous company
at breakfast. It was the custom of Lady Goodman's day, for the bride
and bridegroom to sit in full dress during a week, and receive
congratulations from all the neighbouring gentry: and sorely did she
regret the impossibility of reviving so venerable a pageant on the
present happy occasion; but there was no option, and fortunately the
fashion of setting out in a chaise and four, relieved her from the
mortification of confessing that the festivities of a hymeneal scene
could not be protracted under her roof beyond the cake-cutting hour.
The waste suites of unfurnished apartments were decked out with green
branches, and flowers disposed in arches and alcoves, so that Miss
Ferret converted the whole house into one mighty bower. She rooted out
some old moth-eaten banners, which were kept as an heir-loom in the
attic story, where, reposing under lock and key, they bore mouldering
testimony to the ancestral valour of Sir Roger's blood; also a stand of
colours which had been presented to his father, who raised a regiment
of Yeomanry; some Free-Masonry insignia, which glittered with
embroidery of tarnished gold and silver; elks' horns, which had been
sent as a curiosity; two American bows; a pair of snow shoes; some
halberts, and a trumpet which were taken in the rebellion of
forty-five, with other articles which had not seen the light for years,
but now came forward, however incongruously, to vary the sylvan
decorations, and were judiciously commingled with family portraits in
massive frames; an ivory ship, which, covered with a glass bell, made a
great figure; a canoe; two plaster-of-paris cupids; a leaden fawn;
Harlequin and Columbine; Neptune and Hebe of the same material, and
King William on horseback, well executed in bronze; so as altogether to
produce an imposing and animated effect, along a vista of the entire
front, including corridors, and enliven the "eternal shade" which would
otherwise have resulted from the great quantity of laurel, spruce, fir,
and other evergreens forced into company to fill the void.
Poor Lady Goodman, who knew better things than this ignorant medley
exhibited, sighed as she acquiesced in all Miss Ferret's manifestations
of taste, which would have been better suited to the preparations for
enacting a puppet-shew in a country barn, than the embellishment of a
fine feudal palace of the olden time, inhabited by those who boasted
armorial bearings and descent from the brave and fair of other days.
There was no help for it, however. It was Hobson's choice, and no
alternative presented itself, were Miss Ferret's suggestions repressed,
except absolute vacuity. Now Lady Goodman loved Miss Robinson
affectionately, and could not endure to appear deficient in friendship,
while her excellent heart overflowed with kindness. She therefore
preferred giving free scope to the fantastical vagaries of a
merry-andrew, to seeming less than she really was, to Sir Roger's ward,
and her own protegée.
It was in the servant and equipage department, that the greatest
difficulties arose. A solitary domestic, styled butler, but who
exercised no dominion, for the best reason, namely, that he had no
subjects, was the sole attendant at Colbrook. Dressed in a suit of
snuff-coloured clothes which had once been black, he answered the
hall-door bell. In jacket of fustian, with turned up sleeves, he might
next be seen, cleaning knives and forks; or should
----"the earlier season lead
To the tanned haycock in the mead,"
you might again behold this worthy jack-of-all-trades, armed with rake
and pitch-fork, tossing high and wide the meadow's fragrant crop. An
old coachman, who performed as many parts in the stable as old Hasty
did within the house, completed the male part of the establishment, and
his rusty livery and antique wig were in perfect keeping with the heavy
machine which it was his lot to guide, and the ancient pair of roan
Barbarys which drew it. "What a turn-out for a wedding!" exclaimed Miss
Ferret, as she gazed upon the carriage which was to appear on the
following day first in the bridal procession.
"My dear Lady Goodman, I am ready to sink at the idea of such a tub
being drawn up at your door, and really know not what to do. So few
servants too!--it is quite confounding on such an occasion."
"My dear," replied Lady Goodman, "we must make the best of it. Your
genius has done much, but you cannot make our old coach any other than
it is. It is vain to fret yourself about what admits of no remedy."
"I cannot change, but I will manage yet to conceal it," answered Miss
Ferret, who flitted off to give her directions and arrange her measures
for the morning, which was ushered in by a brilliant dawn.
No sooner was the sun above the horizon, than our fair field marshal
persuaded Sir Roger that he should go on to church, and be ready to
hand the bride elect from her carriage, adding, that she hoped he would
not lose a moment in sending back his own to accommodate some of the
rest of the party. Though Sir Roger did not see any reason for what he
was desired to do, and had no mind to sit by himself in the vestry-room
for such a length of time as was contemplated by Miss Ferret, yet she
was so urgent, that she gave him no time for deliberation, and half
pushing, half entreating, had him fairly shut up in the coach and
whirled with unaccustomed celerity from the door, before he had power
to recollect that he should inevitably have a fit of the rheumatism in
consequence of so long a sitting in a draught of air, much cooler than
that of his own house. But David, who was perched up on high upon an
immense old-fashioned hammer-cloth, large enough to bear the city arms
on every side, like the lord mayor's equipage, received strict orders
_not to hear_ if his master called, but proceed, blow high, blow low,
to Weston church. Now he argued, that as weddings do not occur every
day, and Miss Ferret was chief governor on the present occasion, it
might be better to obey her implicitly. Besides he was in the habit of
turning a deaf ear to the word "stop," as having no footman except on
great emergencies, when Hasty the butler stepped up behind, he knew
that his porpoise-like body must be put in movement were he to indulge
every whim of halting here and there; and a descent from the altitude
at which David sat was no trifling exertion to a man "so scant of
breath" as he was. He grumbled, indeed, _sotto voce_, at not "heading
the procession," as he said; but Miss Ferret assured him that though
she had an offer of all the carriages to marshal in whatever manner she
thought proper, she would not suffer Sir Roger to be driven in any
vehicle but his own, or by any less careful charioteer than his
coachman. She likewise informed David that on account of the honour
which she designed him of enacting _avant courier_ on the occasion, she
had made his wedding favours twice as large as those of any body else,
which was true, for she used three yards of extraordinary white satin
ribbon with silver edges, in this instance to cover certain defects in
David's hat and coat.
This argument prevailed, insomuch that he took his seat aloft with much
self-complacency, and from the prodigious breadth of his chest, and the
monstrous size of the star-like platforms which Miss Ferret pinned upon
it, quite as large as the sod in a thrush's cage, David looked at a
little distance, so like a target, that had the archers been out, he
might have received an arrow through the heart, before he could have
had time to bless himself. He was next commissioned to return from
Weston by a circuitous route, the pretext for which was to deliver a
message at the house of a work-woman who had not brought home all Miss
Robinson's linen, but the real object of which was to delay the
carriage till all the party should have proceeded, and so avoid the
display of that unwieldy concern amongst the gay chariots and landaus
of the neighbouring gentry, several of whom graced our hymeneals with
their presence. Miss Ferret then took occasion, when the company were
all assembled on the steps just ready for departure, to say aloud to
Lady Goodman, "Upon my word, your ladyship has left us this morning
without a single servant to do any thing. Two gone on with Sir Roger;
one despatched to order post horses, as if a note would not have been
sufficient; and there is Barnett who has already drunk so many healths
to this happy event, that he was not able to stand straight, so I have
sent him off to bed."
So saying, she bustled and fidgeted about till by one contrivance or
other, she got the whole train in motion, and contrived to bring them
all back again, without giving any one leisure to remark how or by
which way they returned to Colbrook, where a beautiful breakfast
awaited them.
What with cutting cake, sticking pins, wrapping, and directing parcels,
with compliments from Mrs. Hartland, and sealing packets of white
gloves, while the gentlemen strolled through the beautiful, but
neglected demesne of Colbrook, Time flew on more rapid wing than he is
used to plume upon a wedding-day in the country, till a "trim-built"
travelling carriage with trunks, cap-case, and imperial drove up to the
door. Sir Roger handed to the bride, who was followed by her _setting
off_ and a shower of congratulations; and off wheeled the _nouveaux
Mariés_ towards Drumcairn, the romantic abode in Aberdeenshire of Mr.
and Mrs. Gordon. Part of the company left Colbrook immediately after,
while a select assembly was retained to dine and drink a bumper toast
to the health and happiness of Henbury Lodge.
Here again Miss Ferret's talents were felt, if not acknowledged, and
perhaps her chief ability lay in the circumstance, that while dulness
and ceremony, which are the bane of English society vanished before
her, she wisely took special care to seem no more than a useful
instrument in the hands of others, though in reality she was the
governing principle of all that ease and hilarity which her presence
inspired. Miss Ferret might be compared to an able mechanic who,
discovering the causes of inertion in whatever piece of workmanship is
submitted to his inspection, clears away rust, removes impediments,
rectifies the balance, oils the joints, and sets every spring into
active play, without presuming to claim any merit in the contrivance
that should interfere with the patentee. Had she not possessed such
perfect tact, (which is a quality much more dependent on quick natural
perception than the refinements of education,) that she always gave
other people that credit which she deserved herself, she would soon
have been taught to feel her inferiority; but she never was suspected,
and people thought that they were particularly well, cheerful, and
agreeable without supposing for an instant that they were indebted to
her influence. She was by nature all that Lord Chesterfield vainly
endeavoured to make his son by art, and knew that the whole secret of
popularity consists in putting every one into good humour with himself.
The dinner was abundant, and its deficiency in _setting off_ was
but little observed where all the guests were kindly disposed. In
fact that paltry criticism which is the terror and scourge of a
country neighbourhood, is much oftener the offspring of stupor than
malevolence. Keep a company alive, and they will seldom be able to tell
whether your damask is of Scotch or Hamburgh manufacture, your china,
Indian or Worcester, your glass, cut or plain. People only ask to be
_happy_, and how this is accomplished is never enquired into; but
if tongues are not employed eyes will be busy. Miss Ferret was aware of
this, and her vigilance was unremitting. The boldest stroke, and one at
which Sir Roger's mind at first revolted, succeeded to admiration, and
green gooseberry wine in long necked bottles passed muster for
sparkling champagne.
The trick had been played at a great race dinner, and Miss Ferret's
convincing argument for making an experiment of a like nature at
Colbrook, was contained in the following laconicism, "what has been,
may be." Sir Roger succumbed, and no one detected the fraud. "Depend
upon it," said Miss Ferret, "that all the French wines are made at
home, and you are no greater cheat than your wine merchant."
The young danced, the elders played whist, carriages were heard rolling
in the court, the party dispersed, and as all things must, sooner or
later, come to a conclusion, thus ended the wedding-day, and Miss
Ferret had laid the plan of another ere the sun was set.