Describing some strange animal he'd seen at any time,
He seized his long slate pencil and this is what he wrote
About the common animal, which children call a goat:
A goat is stronger than a pig,
But often it is not as big.
It has four legs just like a horse,
But never runs on a race-course.
It gives good milk, though not as much
As cows and elephants and such,
But more than any bull or ox,
Rooster, ram, or sly old fox.
Like any mule, a goat likes hay
And all tin cans we throw away.
He's useful and I'm fond of him,
But some good folks have a strange whim
To hold their noses when he's near,
And act as if they greatly fear
To touch his fur which has the smell
Of something I know very well,
The odor I'd know anywhere,
It's like Dad's tonic for his hair.
AUTUMN, QUEEN OF YEAR
When the pumpkins are so yellow
And the vines with grapes abound,
When the melons are so mellow
And the nuts fall to the ground;
When persimmons lose their bitters,
And the apples are so red;
When we love to eat corn fritters
Since the roasting ears have fled;
When vacation days are over
And the children go to school,
They no longer play in clover,
But must learn "Arithmos-rule,"
When weird Hallowe'en's most naughty elves
With gnomes and sprites appear,
While fat Thanksgiving fills the shelves--
'Tis AUTUMN, QUEEN OF YEAR.
THE TERSEST BATHING SUIT
When to the sea shore Robert went, with Ma and Sister Nell,
He met a wise professor, who soon taught him to spell,
Likewise to read of fairy lore and use a real steel pen
To write to his own father dear, who like most all the men
Must ever stay at home and work to earn the cents to pay
For wife and children's outing till the summer slips away.
Now all the strange, uncommon words which little Bob could find,
He stored away and tried to keep in his small, active mind
So as to use in writing notes to his dear fat old Dad,
And when the big folks used strange words it made him very glad.
So one day when of something TERSE he heard his sister tell,
He asked her for its meaning and he thus rewarded Nell
By writing to his father dear, "Oh, Daddy, you should see
Nell's awful TERSEST bathing suit, which won't reach to her knee."
EASTER GREETING TO MY FRIEND
If you haven't any Easter clothes on Easter morn to wear
Then don't you care.
If the EASTER RABBIT passes by and leaves no gift behind,
Then don't you mind.
Just smile at every one you meet and do some kindly act,
For it's a fact,
By doing any kindly deed one's heart is filled with JOY
Which will destroy
All pain that one may suffer from ENVY'S cruel sting;
So you can sing--
"Fulfilled will be my wishes for gifts and raiment fair--
Some day--somewhere."
TAKE THAT GUM FROM YOUR MOUTH AND PUT YOUR FEET RIGHT IN
Young Susie was quite noted for having great large feet,
And for working both her jaws, this maid could not be beat.
Her wad of gum she always bore with her unto the school,
Though well she knew she might be spanked, for 'twas against the rule,
But skillfully she hid this gum, did naughty little Sue.
Though oft behind her little book she took a little chew,
But once when she was building up a castle in the air,
And thought she was a lady rich and most entrancing fair,
While stretching out her legs and feet into the narrow aisle
And thinking of sweet Bobby Jones, the maid began to smile.
Then suddenly the teacher cried, above the school room's din,
"Take that gum from out your mouth and put your feet right in."
GOOD WEATHER ASSURED
When the second of February rolls around,
Out of his hole in the cold, dark ground
Comes Mr. Groundhog to look at the sky
And see if the season of summer is nigh;
So that he in the fields may merrily run
And eat farmers' crops 'neath the light o' the sun.
But if his own shadow he unfortunately sees,
In the greatest of terror he falls on his knees,
And quickly returns to his subterra home,
Resolving that he will not again roam
Till six stormy weeks have slowly gone by,
And then once again, perhaps he will try
To put his flat head above the cold ground,
And take a survey of the earth all around.
So I made up my mind that during the year
I'd keep him at home so he couldn't appear.
And to bring wintry weather he hadn't a chance,
For of his own shadow he caught not a glance.
ALL THE WORLD CRIES
"Quack-quack-quack-quack!" cries Auntie Duck,
While Mother Hen goes "Cluck-cluck-cluck!"
And Papa Dog cries, "Bow-wow-wow,"
And Sister Cat, "Me-ow, me-ow!"
"Eek-eek-eek-eek!" squeals Grandma Pig,
"I'm growing, oh, so far and big;"
While "Cackle-cackle" all the day,
The little goslings like to say.
Proud Grandpa Turkey struts along
With his eternal gobble-song;
Sir Horse he whinnies, "Hee-hee-hee!"
And "Buzzey-buzzey" goes Miss Bee.
Sis Maud, the Mule, cries, "Hee-hee-haw!"
And Missy Crow goes "Caw-caw-caw!"
Good Madam Cow cries, "Moo-moo-moo!"
And gentle Doves they "Coo-coo-coo!"
The Baby Lambs cry, "Baa-baa-baa!"
And little Kids squeal, "Ma-ma-ma!"
HOPE
Hope is the name of the dear little sprite,
Who banishes grief and makes life bright.
Thanks to Pandora--'twas she shut the lid
Of that wondrous jar where good Hope was hid,
And kept him to cheer us when we are so sad
Fearing a scolding because we've been bad;
Then this little whisper of Hope makes us say--
"Maybe you won't get a scolding to-day."
Likewise being tortured with measles and croup
And that dread disease which makes us to whoop!
Chicken pox, fevers and diptheric germs,
And the worst of diseases just common plain worms,
Which causes our "tum-tums" to feel mighty bad
And no doubt would make us most dreadfully sad,
If 'twere not for HOPE which whispers to us--
"Be patient, dear children, and don't make a fuss
Because all the pain will soon pass away
And then you'll be healthy and happy all day."
THE YOUNG MAIL CARRIER
Young Billy from his lovely home disappeared one day,
And when his mother missed her lad she thought he'd run away,
But soon the sprightly little chap came quickly running back,
Bearing on his shoulders small, a large round leather sack,
And said, "Dear mother, I have been a very good, kind boy,
Trying like the Bible says, to bring our neighbors joy.
I played I was a postman and I paid each one a call,
And to the people in this block, I gave them letters all."
MOTHER:
"But where, my precious little lad, my darling honey pet,
Where in the name of goodness these letters did you get?"
BILLY:
"I found them with no trouble; they were the ones that you
Kept 'way up in your bureau drawer, all tied with ribbons blue."
A RIDDLE
One night 'neath the light of a silvery moon
There sat on a log pile a very fat coon
And also a little most cunning brown fellow
Eating of melon so juicy and mellow.
The large robust coon and the wee little one
Thought they were having a bushel of fun,
And laughed very loudly in notes of pure glee,
For they were as happy as happy could be.
So here is a riddle I'll give now to you,
Guess the relation there was 'twixt the two.
ANSWER
Most everyone answers, "Why, father and son."
Not so--'twas a mammy and her little one.
THE FIRST MATCH
In the days of great Grandmother
People often worked each other
When they sought a little light
At the coming of the night,
Or to bake their bread and meat
As fire making was a feat
Quite difficult and very slow.
So oft without a light they'd go
Instead of spending e'en an hour
With flint and steel exerting power
To make a little fiery spark
Which would produce light in the dark.
But in eighteen twenty-seven
Some good man earned fame from Heaven
By inventing a real match
Which one needed but to scratch
On its sulphur head so small
When forth came fire for us all.
THE NEW BABY
When Alfred saw the baby wee the stork to him had brought,
He stood quite silent for a while and thought and thought and thought
Until he'd solved the problem about the CURIOUS ONE
Who'd traveled far from Storkland, though she couldn't walk nor run.
Then to his mother he declared in accents of dismay,
"Dear Mother, we must send this kid back to her home to-day,
'Cause someone's cheated us I know and brought us an old child
With bald head and without a tooth and like an Indian wild.
Whenever it begins to cry it almost lifts the roof,
So, Mother, dear, I think 'tis best for you to keep aloof
From the old ugly Indian thing and send it to Storkland,
Then you and I'll be glad again and go to hear the band."
GOOD-BYE TO TEDDY BEARS
Good-bye to all the Teddy Bears, both big and small!
The "Billy Possums" are in style for one and all.
We little girls, like older folks, are bound to keep in style,
And so we have to change our toys 'most every little while.
When Roosevelt or "Teddy," was ruler o'er this land,
All stylish girls and clever boys kept bears on hand
To play with and to walk with and to put to bed at night,
As "Teddy Bears" were symbols of the Rooseveltian light.
But when King Teddy left his throne, Taft got his seat,
And soft brown Teddies disappeared from home and street,
While "Billy Possum" came to rule for two years or for three,
When "Bryan Kittens" will be hatched and all the rage will be.
SLEEPERS IN WESTMINSTER ABBEY
Within Westminster Abbey, which stands on Thorney Isle
Are burled many people of every age and style.
There's Edward the Confessor, who founded this great church
And Henry Third who sent his men to Italy to search
For beautiful mosaics which brilliantly would shine
All round about and high above the great Confessor's shrine.
Here great Shaftesbury's buried, who worked to his life's end
For poor down trodden children whose rights he did defend.
Sir Isaac Newton, very wise, who thought he was a child
Picking up the sea-shells beside life's ocean wild.
And noble Sir James Outram known as a man most brave,
Who at the siege of Lucknow the English corps did save.
Great Livingstone of world-wide fame who Africa explored
And whose sad death in Afric wilds by all men was deplored;
The blind postmaster Fawcett who tried so hard to mend
All foolish laws of England and English rights defend.
A monument we here may see to Sir John Franklin bold
Who lost his life while he explored in far off Arctic
cold.
Within the poet's corner full many a grave is found,
Behold good Geoffrey Chaucer as Father Poet crowned,
And great and good Lord Tennyson whose "CROSSING OF THE BAR"
It seems to me in Heaven above should win a shining star.
Will Shagspur's monument is here, where he is called the chief
Of all the greatest writers known, though I call him a thief
Because I think he stole his rhymes from many learned men
And then pretended all were writ just by his goose quill pen.
Great Handel the musician, born in a German town
But who in merry England won all his great renown;
The orator George Canning, a statesman good and great
And with whose son, Earl Canning, he lies in regal state.
Here's Gladstone, greatest statesman perhaps the world has known
Who's buried in this abbey 'neath monumental stone.
Great Wilberforce and two great Pitts who likewise won their fame
Within this ancient abbey we see each brilliant name.
And many kings both good and bad and with their royal wives
Were brought to this old abbey when they had spent their lives.
Strong Edward First, the warrior who brought the "Stone of Scone"
And placed it in the abbey to crown the KINGS alone.
Then Richard Second who is known as "The Westminster King"
So called as in the abbey he did most everything;
For he was crowned and married and also buried here--
No wonder that the abbey stones to him were very dear.
To "Madcap Harry," Henry Fifth, Westminster was his pride
So he was buried 'neath its walls--though in far France he died.
King Henry Seventh and his wife Elizabeth the kind,
Close, side by side, their royal tombs we easily may find.
Queen Mary called "The Bloody," with Bess "The Virgin Queen,"
Beside Queen Mary of the Scots, their tombs may now be seen.
It was at Mary's funeral when she was lying dead
That in the abbey Catholic mass for a last time was said.
King Henry Fifth the murdered King and Edward Sixth the boy,
Who while he lived no sorrow gave but brought to England joy,
And many other kings and queens and men of wondrous fame
Both good and bad their bodies lie in restful sleep the same.
LAZY WHITE MEN SIT WHILE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
Poor Lo, the Indian, disrespects his brothers wise and fair,
Who now on aeroplanes are wont to make trips through the air.
He watches them go circling like birds up in the skies,
Then grunts, "Heap lazy white man, he sits down when he flies."
TOO TICKLISH TO COUNT HIS RIBS
In the class of physiology the teacher asked one day,
"How many ribs have you, my boy, tell me, Dickie Gray?"
And wiggling, giggling Dickie very promptly made reply,
"Dear teacher, I must tell the truth, for I could never lie,
But as for ribs I cannot say how many I possess,
For I'm too awful ticklish to count them, I confess."
IT TAKES A CIGAR A LONG TIME TO WEAR OUT
When Harry Warren was a boy only five years old,
He wasn't then as he is now, so very big and bold,
But he was very much afraid of bad tobacco smoke,
Which seems to those who know him now to be a funny joke.
He had an uncle on whose knee he loved to sit each day
And listen to exciting tales about the Pixies gay,
But when his uncle had a light upon a long cigar,
Then little Harry used to sit away from it as far
As he could manage well to get upon his uncle's knee,
Since Harry feared tobacco smoke more than a bumble bee.
One day while sitting way far out upon his uncle's knee,
He grew so very tired as he waited there to see
The end of the long smoker which made smoke all about
And said, "It takes that big cigar a long time to wear out."
A PICKERINO--THE COOK'S FATE
Should COOK permit Sir Lemon squeezer,
Would virtuous Pepper box her, potato masher?
Would bakers baker in a heater,
And tell the saucy strong egg beater?
Would they then wax yet even bolder
While Mr. Tongs so well would holder
And then unto the pancake turner
Who would allow the cruel gas burner?
THE FIRST METAL PLOW
The metal plow so I've been told
First was made in days of old
By Grecian farmers and we know
That great Ulysses used to go
Behind the plow and play insane
By tilling sand to plant his grain
So that he need not leave his wife
And march away to dreadful strife.
LEGENDS OF THE CORONATION STONE
In Bible stories we have read
Of Jacob whose uncovered head,
Rested once on BETHEL-STONE
While round his head a vision shone.
The stone was then to Egypt carried,
From there to Spain by one who married
Great Pharaoh's daughter who was good--
For Hebrews' rights she always stood.
To Ireland with this same stone
The King Hiberus sailed alone
And placed it on fair Tara Hill,
No doubt the stone would be there still
If Fergus had not come along
With many warriors bold and strong
And bore it to his native land
Of bonnie Scotland there to stand.
Within the Castle Dunstaffrage
And here it stood for many an age
Until as a most sacred stone
'Twas placed within the Church of Scone.
And the good kings of Scotland fair
For years and years were all crowned there
Till Edward Langshanks seized this stone
Of which 'twas said 'twould always groan
If any worthless king or queen
Upon its seat were ever seen.
He brought it to dear England's shore
And willed that it should move no more
And in Westminster it was placed
Within a wooden chair encased.
PLEASE, GRANDPA, CROAK
"Grandaddy," said young Harry, "do a good turn for me,
By croaking like a big bull frog so I can plainly see
If Daddy told the honest truth or only cracked a joke
Because he said I'd have some 'dough' if you would only croak."
TO SAVE HIM FROM A WHIPPING
When Mrs. Hall, who had spent the day
With Mrs. Green, was going away,
Wee curly headed, naughty Joe
Begged so hard that she wouldn't go.
Now all the day this roguish lad
Had disobeyed and been quite bad,
So Mrs. Hall, in great surprise,
Paused and looked in his brown eyes,
While saying, "I'm so glad to know
You love me truly, dearest Joe."
"Oh, 'tisn't that," said honest Joe,
"I wouldn't mind for you to go
Except my mother said to-day,
She'd whip me when you went away."
THE FIRST FORKS
In the days of good Queen Bess
How sad it is we must confess
That the English ate their food
In a fashion very rude.
Great William Shakespeare like the rest
And Walter Raleigh richly dressed
Both ate their meat just with a knife--
The same they used to settle strife.
'Twas the Italians who first made
The useful fork which surely paid
Its wise inventors who could eat
Of sauces and most juicy meat
And never have to wash their hands
As straight knife eating oft demands.
THE KING'S QUESTIONS
Once on a time, long, long ago, in a far-off foreign land,
A certain king who loved to roam with his chosen courtly band,
Was riding abroad one early morn through streets of a city fair
When a curious sign above a door caused him to pause and stare.
This sign board plainly read to all that here was Wisdom's college
With a Professor at its head of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE.
"Ha! Ha!" loud laughed the wily king while rapping on the door,
"'Tis true above all other men I need a goodly store
Of UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE so that I may wisely rule
And never say a foolish thing nor act the silly fool."
But when the great (?) Professor X-- appeared within the door,
With trembling hands and downcast eyes, while bowing to the floor
The king gazed at the coward and this is what he said,
"You answer my three questions or you will lose your head.
Now first since you know everything please tell me what I'm worth,
And second tell the number of baskets of good earth
That one may find by digging within that mountain there
Reaching with its snow capped crown away up in the air.
And when you've rightly answered these questions given you
Then you must tell me of my thoughts to prove your wisdom true.
Three days is all I'll give you to answer me or go
To realms where wisdom surely dwells and something you must know."
And then the King departed and left the wise man sad,
For though he had some wisdom his little knowledge had
But given him the swelled head so foolishly he thought
Through painted signs of wisdom his knowledge would be sought.
And as this foolish wise man bemoaned his coming doom,
His good but unlearned servant walked into the room,
And told his master not to mourn as he would take his place
And answer the King's questions while gazing in his face.
So when three days had passed away the Royal Master came
And Jim the servant greeted him as if he were the same
As he himself or any man who lived upon the earth,
And to the world's good Mother Earth was debtor for his birth.
Then spake this servant to the King--"I'm glad my Sire to see
And now with pleasure I'll proceed to answer questions three.
You're worth how much--not surely more than one wee bit of gold
For as you know the Saviour King for thirty bits was sold.
And as to baskets of good earth in yonder mountain high
Think not your foolish question has made me sleepless lie.
It doesn't even take a man who could be called quite wise
To tell you that this all depends upon the basket's size.
For if the basket's mountain size of course but one will do
But if it's only half as large then we must needs have two."
Delighted with these answers the King shook Jim's rough hand,
While smiling as he looked at him and gave his last command,
"Now tell me what I'm thinking of, you wizard of the earth,
And if you answer truly, yours is this pearl of worth."
"Oh, that is very simple," Jim quickly answered him,
"You think me the professor, but I'm his servant Jim."
This answer was so pleasing unto the mighty King,
He made him his favored courtier, wearing his signet ring.
ENGLAND'S KINGS IN RHYME
There were many kings of England in ancient Saxon days,
But little to remember except their rude wild ways.
There was Egbert and King Ethelwolf and also Ethelbald,
Ethelbert and Ethelred and Alfred Great so called.
There was Edward and King Athelstan followed by three kings
Edmund and King Edgar and one whose praise we sing--
The good and kindly Edward who won a martyr's crown;
Then came a second Ethelred, who never won renown;
And as this king was always known just by the name "Unready,"
So his successor well was called--"Strong Edmund ever steady."
And last of all the Saxon kings decreeing England's fate
Came the Confessor Edward whom we all consider great.
And now we come to William, the Norman cruel but brave,
And who the throne of England to Norman monarchs gave,
But the royal line he founded had rulers only four,
Two Williams and one Henry, one Stephen and no more.
Plantagenets just fourteen then came to rule this land,
They formed the longest kingly line and made a goodly band.
Though they were not all very good and some were very bad,
While some were truly gay old sports and others very sad.
The founder was King Henry the second Henry king,
For cruelty to Becket, no praise to him we sing.
Then Richard the Plantagenet, who had a lion heart
And whose brave deeds are greatly praised in history and art.
Then came the trembling coward, the hated ruler John,
How glad are we that from this earth he long ago hath gone!
And after followed Henry Third a silly royal goose,
Within whose head I sadly fear there were some sutures loose.
Then came the first King Edward who with his warrior band,
Laid bare the minstrels' country and their dear mountain land.
A second Edward, then a third directly followed after,
Then came poor Richard Second who had small cause for laughter;
Then Henry Fourth who conquered all the lands of goodly Wales
As we have often heard in rhyme and in historic tales,
And Henry Fifth feared by the French, it was within his reign
Fair Joan d'Arc's brave blood was shed the English swords to stain.
King Henry Sixth spent his last days in mourning in the Tower
While Edward Fourth by might of will possessed the kingly power.
The little lad, poor Edward Fifth, was never duly crowned,
But in the Tower cold in death the poor young king was found.
'Tis said that he was murdered by one who then did rule
His uncle the third Richard, hump-backed and very cruel.
This wicked monster lost his life at Bosworth's bloody field,
Then came the Tudor family their scepters strong to wield.
Through Henry Seventh and his son King Henry Eighth, the bold,
Then Edward Sixth, the wise young king who ne'er grew to be old,
And monstrous blood-soaked Mary at whose dread bloody name,
All noble English subjects should feel a blush of shame;
Elizabeth, her sister, the red-haired maiden queen,
Who sometimes was quite gracious but had a lot of spleen.
With this great queen the Tudor line came to a glorious end
Then to the Stuarts, six in all, the English knee did bend.
First came the learned James the First, and Charles the First, his son,
Who through the warrior Cromwell forever was undone.
This warrior styled "Protector" knew how to rule all men,
If not with his good broadsword, why, then with stroke of pen.
And after him the second Charles returned to England fair,
And claimed that to her glorious crown he was the lawful heir.
Then after him the bigot James, the second of his name,
Who was deposed from England's throne and earned a crown of shame;
Then good King William called the Third, and Mary, his good wife,
They ruled o'er happy England and banished horrid strife,
But leaving no good children to whom the throne could fall
Poor sickly Anne, whose heart was big but brains so very small,
As James's second daughter succeeded to the crown
And did her best to rule the land but never won renown.
To seventeen fair children she in her life gave birth
But as death claimed them every one she had no cause for mirth.
The Stuart line was ended with Anne, unhappy queen,
Then came four kings called Georges, with wits not very keen,
Hanover's line they founded, which line rules England now,
And to this line all Englishmen on loyal knee would bow.
And after all the Georges had had their rule and died,
Then William Fourth, the brother of George the Third, he tried
To rule o'er England's country with kind and steady hand,
But when his brother's daughter succeeded to this land
She made a better ruler than any queen or king
And to VICTORIA, great VICTORIA, loudest praises ring.
She ruled o'er England's empire for years full sixty-four,
And her great crown with queenly grace and kindliness she wore.
Her son, King Edward Seventh, the ever tactful king,
Ruled for a few short seasons until by Death's cruel sting
His happy reign was ended and George the Fifth, his heir,
Was made the kingly ruler of England's lands so fair.
BRUNETTES ALL THE RAGE
Great Byron sang of ladies fair
With bright blue eyes and golden hair;
But Major Woodruff says--;"Beware--;
Of those whose skin is very fair,
As naughty maidens have blue eyes
And seldom are they good and wise."