FACTS IN JINGLES
[Illustration: Winifred, age twelve, with her trained bird, Okikusan]
FACTS IN JINGLES
_By_
WINIFRED SACKVILLE STONER, JR.
(Written Between the Ages of Five and Twelve)
[Illustration]
INDIANAPOLIS
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PUBLISHERS
COPYRIGHT 1915
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
PRESS OF
BRAUNWORTH & CO.
BOOK MANUFACTURERS
BROOKLYN, N. Y.
Dedicated
to
Miss Katharine O'Shea
of
Madison, Wisconsin
INTRODUCTION
These jingles were written by a child for children. The young author
does not expect that any one will imagine they were intended to be
a contribution to poetry or literature. They will be of interest to
adults principally as an illustration of the way a child's mind views
some of the every-day situations of life. Grown people will also be
interested to see how easily a young child can put facts into the
jingle form when freedom of expression is acquired early.
Those who have read Mrs. Stoner's _Natural Education_ will recall
that Winifred learned almost as a babe to use the typewriter. This
helped her in her spelling and composition, so that she gained ease
and freedom in expressing herself on any topic that she understood.
She wrote out everything she learned so that she might the better get
a grasp of it and remember it. And she found that when some kinds of
facts were put together in a jingle they could be fixed with less
effort and retained more securely than if they were learned in the
ordinary way--by rote and without any method of organization.
Rhyme and rhythm seem to furnish to the young mind an easy and
effective method of relating and expressing facts ordinarily
dissociated from anything of interest to a child. As long as such
facts are presented to the young in home and school, the jingle will
prove of service to teachers and parents, and of interest and value to
children. In addition, some of these jingles will delight the young
merely because of their rhythmical quality, while others will afford
amusement because of the humorous interpretation they put on many of
the events that are daily experienced by children everywhere.
Any adult who may read these jingles should be informed that many of
them were written when Winifred was hardly more than a babe. And all
of them were dashed off without effort to achieve poetic merit. One
characteristic that makes them of interest is their spontaneity. As
an illustration of the readiness with which Winifred can construct a
jingle, I may say that when she was twelve years of age, I happened one
day to read her the following essay on _Bones_ written by a pupil:
"Bones is the framework of the body. If I had no bones in me, I should
not have so much shape as I have now. If I had no bones my brain,
heart, lungs, and larger blood vessels would be lying around in me, and
might get hurt. If my bones were burned I should be brittle, because it
would take the animal out of me. If I was soaked in acid I should be
limber. I'd rather be soaked than burned. Some of my bones don't grow
close to my others snug like the branches to the trunk of a tree. The
reason why they don't grow that way is because they have joints. Joints
is good things to have in bones. All my bones put together make a
skeleton. Some animals have their skeleton on the outside. I am glad I
am not them animals, for my skeleton like it is on the chart would not
look very well on my outside."
I asked her if she would put the essay into a rhyme. She ran off to
her typewriter, and in twelve minutes came back with the jingle, _I'm
glad I'm not an Exo_. It is published exactly as she handed it to me,
without change in content or in form.
Mrs. Stoner's _Natural Education_ describes in detail how Winifred has
been educated up to this point in her career. This book of jingles
presents some concrete evidence of the results of Mrs. Stoner's method
of teaching freedom of expression, and her many devices for assisting
a child to retain more or less formal facts in history, the sciences,
and so on. The book will prove of interest and help to children, and
parents and teachers should be able to get suggestions and practical
teaching devices from it.
M. V. O'SHEA.
Madison, Wisconsin.
Ever since I was five years old my dear friends, the fairies, have
whispered jingles to me as keys to Memory's storehouse. As these
jingles have been of great assistance in my studies, I have asked my
good publishers to put them in book form with the hope that they may
help, or at least amuse, many girls and boys.
WINIFRED SACKVILLE STONER, JR.
CONTENTS
PAGE
Adam's Funny Bone 238
After the Fourth Was Over 57
All Dentists Go to Heaven 47
All the World Cries 93
Answers, Not Questions, Cause Trouble 22
Appeal to the Fairies, An 187
Are All Angels Blonds? 304
Armadillo, The 199
At Easter 242
Autos Change Good Luck 85
Autumn, Queen of Year 88
Baa! Baa! Black Sheep 206
Bach, Johann Sebastian 269
Bachelor's Opinion of a Baby, A 156
Barber, Barber, Shave a Pig 226
Beethoven, Ludwig von 265
Berlioz, Louis Hector 293
Best Month of All, The 194
Beware of Stings 181
Beware of the Wet 144
Birthday Wish, A 205
B. O. K. Fairy, The 185
Bony Song, A 17
Book Mark, A 200
Bo-Peep 209
Boy Who Was Hero and Villain, A 84
Boy's Complaint, A 31
Boy's Description of a Goat, A 87
Brahms, Johannes 267
Brick Versus Watch 148
Bridget Makes Split Pea Soup 2
Brunettes All the Rage 121
Butcher, Baker, Candle-Stick Maker 221
Careful Mother, The 3
Cat Extincted the Canary, The 16
Cats a Kissin' (Catechism) 122
Children's Prayer, The 255
Chopin, Frédéric François 261
Christmas Wish for All My Friends, 40
Could Only Ask Questions 126
Cultus Mitlite 127
Curly Locks 230
Czerny, Karl 303
Dans Ma Cuisine 166
Dans Ma Maison 163
Dans Mon Joli Jardin 165
Days of Chivalry, The 142
Dickory Dock 226
Doctor Foster 217
Dux Femina Via 203
Easter Greeting 65
Easter Greeting to My Friend 90
Eatable Alphabet, An 241
England's Kings in Rhyme 115
Equal Franchise Valentine, An 180
Esperanto Grammar 198
Esperanto Poem Plain to All, An 154
Fairy Centaphrase, The 254
First Forks, The 110
First Match, The 97
First Metal Plow, The 106
Five Best Fairies, The 177
Five-Foot Shelf of Summer Books, A 15
Five Good Giants 200
Five Little Pigs 231
Franz, Robert 259
Frog Who Would A-Wooing Go, A 211
Furs Lined with Kittens 12
German Jinglette, A 236
Ghost Story, A 153
Giant Arithmos, The 67
Girls' Alphabet, The 243
Glorious O, The 237
Glück, Christopher Willibald 292
Good B's and Bad T's 30
Good-Bye to Teddy Bears 99
Good People Everywhere 305
Good Weather Assured 92
Goosey, Goosey Gander 212
Gottschalk, Louis Moreau 298
Grammar in a Nutshell 183
Grandma Turkey's Lament 21
Grandpa's Head Turns Frew His Hair 5
Great A, Little A 234
Great Surprise, A 1
Greatest Kings of Music Land, The 262
Greedy Imps 157
Greetings to Norfolk 158
Grouch-Bug, The 33
Growing Things 4
Handel, George Frederick 263
Hark! Hark! the Dogs Do Bark 228
Haydn, Franz Joseph 271
Hens 36
Her Turn Coming 128
Hope 94
Hot Cross Buns 230
How Mother Learned Natural History 141
How Simple Simon Became Wise 184
How to Be Happy 136
Humpty Dumpty 231
In India 189
Information by Phone 123
I'm Glad I'm Not an Exo 245
I Prefer a Lazy Bee 169
It Takes a Cigar a Long Time to Wear Out 105
Jack and Jill 226
Jack, Be Nimble 217
Jack Spratt 214, 229
Job Smarter Than Modern Babies 80
Johnnie's Conundrum 130
Joke on Onklo Karlo, A 8
Kind Hearts 35
King Teddy the Fearless 32
King's Questions, The 111
Kitten Gone to Waste, A 78
Kitty, Where Have You Been? 213
Koppa After Pi 148
Last of Mary Had a Little Lamb 28
Lazy White Men Sit While Flying Through the Air 104
Learning the French Alphabet 161
Legend of Westminster Abbey 140
Legends of the Coronation Stone 107
Let Ma Vote 173
Let the Bumble Be 20
Liszt, Franz 288
Little Boy and the Little Sparrow, The 223
Little Boy Blue 215
Little Girl with the Little Curl, The 236
Little Man with the Little Gun, The 209
Little Mary with Her Canary 220
Little Miss Muffet 212
Little Tommy Tucker 228
Mabel at the Butcher Shop 48
Man in the Moon, The 233
Marjory Daw 233
Mary Had a Lamb Song 234
Mary Had a Little Lamb 235
Mary, Quite Contrary 220
Memory Jogger for Your Desk, A 249
Mendelssohn, Jakob Ludwig Felix 296
Midsummer Joys 56
Miller on the Dee, The 206
Mother Hubbard 215
Mother Wotsat, of Wanamakerland 252
Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus 273
Much Learning Saves Ignatius 13
Multiplication Is Vexation 216
Museum's Fat Lady, The 10
Music 258
My Black Hen 234
My Christmas Wish 86
My Country 156
My Easter Wish 54
My Impression of Newspaper Men 151
My Son John 225
Nature's Music 260
'Neath Niagara Falls 182
Nervous Jelly 82
New Baby, The 98
New Year Babe, The 81
Nissen the Santa Claus of Norway 37
North Pole Jingle 240
Ode to a Faithful Dog Dubbed Pickles, An 256
Oh, Pretty Little Girl, Where Are You Going? 232
Old Garden, An 171
Old King Cole 225
Old Mother Goose 227
Old-Time and a Modern Song, An 139
Old Woman in a Shoe, The 222
Old Woman, Mother Goose, The 207
On Midsummer Night 143
On Thanksgiving 51
One, Two, Three, Four, Five 236
Only Naughty Children See Spooks on Hallowe'en 53
Oriental Metaphor 159
Our Presidents 124
Papa's Sainted Leg 186
Past and Present Eve, The 149
Patti Cake 224
Patti Lou at the Zoo 11
Peace Forerunner--"Love Mankind" 257
Pearl of Lakes, The 9
Peas Pudding Hot 219
Peter Pumpkin Eater 216
Peter Visits an Episcopal Church 152
Pets' Christmas Carol, The 52
Pickerino--The Cook's Fate, A 106
Plea to Editors, A 196
Plea to Knights and Ladies Fair, A 194
Please, Grandpa, Croak 108
Pretty Little Maid with Pretty Little Bonnet 235
Pretty Maid, Where Are You Going? 210
Pride 79
Pure-Blooded Pup, The 69
Pussy in the Well 218
Queen of Flowerhood 239
Rain, Rain, Go Away 221
Revenge on an Aching Tooth 137
Riddle, A 96
Rock-a-Bye, Baby 213
Roosevelt Compliments Mama Lion 23
Rubinstein, Anton 289
Santa's Reindeer in the Sky 41
Saying His Speech 195
Scarlatti, Alessandro 302
Schubert, Franz Peter 277
Schumann, Robert 279
Seeking Bargains 126
Simple Simon 214
Sing a Song of Sixpence 222
Sing Joyfully on Your Way 218
Six in the Cemetery 125
Six Little Mice Sat Down to Spin 208
Skillet in Society, A 66
Sleepers in Westminster Abbey 100
Snail, Snail, Come Out of Your Hole 223
Song of Home, A 175
Song of the Woods, A 147
Soul of a Miser, The 160
Spelling Wrong "Rong" 172
Strauss, Johann 300
Susan Rewarded for Twenty Years' Service 6
Taffy Was a Thief 229
Take That Gum from Your Mouth and Put Your Feet Right In 91
Tasmania 197
Tersest Bathing Suit, The 89
Thanksgiving in 20,000 A. D. 49
Then and Now 176
Three Blind Mice 224
Three Cheers for Typewriters! 247
Three Wise Men of Gotham 208
Time of His Life, The 25
Titania's Toyland 253
Titanic's Noble Band 131
To Friends Who Remembered Me When I Was Ill 158
To Market 232
To Modern Knights 145
To My Leap Year Valentine 244
To My Valentine 58
To Save Him from a Whipping 109
Tom the Piper's Son 219
Too Many Dolls 27
Too Ticklish to Count His Ribs 104
Torpid Liver 'Sploded Him, A 160
Twilight 14
Uncle Sam's Pittsburgh Arsenal 201
Un Petit Barbare Pou 167
Verdi, Giuseppe 281
Wagner, Wilhelm Richard 275
Weber, Karl Maria Friedrich Ernst von 295
Wee Willie's First Hair Cut 24
When Will We Be Old Enough? 129
When Women Vote 170
Whingwang Sonnet of an Easter Bonnet, A 55
Who Is Mother Goose 233
Wilmington's Good Fairy 251
Wilmington's Santa Claus 250
Winds of March, The 155
Winking Star, The 26
Wise Replies 168
Woes Caused by Whooping Bugs 29
Wonderland of Matematiko, The 59
Wondrous Growing Baby, A 7
World's a Mirror, The 248
Young Mail Carrier, The 95
FACTS IN JINGLES
A GREAT SURPRISE
On the nineteenth day of August, in the year of nineteen two,
Most kind and gracious Madame Stork right over Norfolk flew,
And brought to my dear mother there a wonderful surprise,
A little red-brown baby girl with large blackberry eyes.
Now mother, she had asked the stork to bring her greatest joy
And drop a bundle at her door containing a wee boy;
But when the stork made a mistake and brought just little me,
She thought that I was better far than any boy could be,
And wrapped me in the blanket which she'd planned for my wee brother
And which my dear "Ma Mie" had knit to help my busy mother.
She changed the name of Lionel to little Winifred,
And all the things for brother planned, she gave to me instead.
BRIDGET MAKES SPLIT PEA SOUP
"Bridget," asked the mistress, "whatever is the matter,
Nothing ready for our lunch excepting pancake batter?
Why, I invited guests to come for lunch at half-past one,
And they've been waiting all this time and yet there's nothing done."
"Well, mum," replied Miss Bridget, "the fault is all your own,
For split pea soup you ordered and, workin' here alone,
It's took me just two hours while tryin' just to split
Three hundred of these blarsted peas, which give me most a fit,
And as there's still three hundred, 'twill take two hours more
To split the pesky little things, shure as me name's MAHORE!"
THE CAREFUL MOTHER
Now come, dear John, and go to school,
I hope you know your every rule.
No, do not kiss me, Johnnie dear,
My mouth is full of germs I fear.
Love, as you walk along the street,
You must not pat each dog you meet.
Alas! you naughty, careless lad,
You've touched the cat, how sad, how sad!
For I must sterilize again
Your hands and face and books and pen.
Now, take each antiseptic glove
And quickly into each one shove
Your fingers which are prone to be
From dreaded germs--ah, never free.
Here's "SURE-GERM-KILLER" in a case.
Put some at once on hands and face,
For, oh, I fear those dreadful GERMS
May some day make you food for worms!
GROWING THINGS
My dearest friend, John M--, and I, at least our mothers say,
Are growing just as weeds will grow in April and in May.
John's legs they grow so very fast his pants they leave his knees,
His jackets get so very tight they burst if he dare sneeze.
His head grows large and larger, I suppose because of brains,
So when he wears his last year's cap, it causes lots of pains.
And I am such a growing thing, my dresses they won't last
More than a month before the spot marked by my knees is passed.
And when I had the measles and had to stay in bed,
You scarcely can believe me, but I grew from foot to head.
So everyone who saw me said that I had grown an inch,
And when I tried to wear my shoes, oh, my, but they did pinch!
But generally my shoes don't last until they are too small,
Because I kick the toes right out while playing at football.
GRANDPA'S HEAD TUMS FREW HIS HAIR
When Margaret was a youngster scarcely two years old,
At climbing chairs and tables this lass was very bold.
And one day when her grandpa was seated in his chair,
She climbed upon the rounded rungs as if they were a stair,
And looking at her grandpa's head, which fast was growing bald,
She cried out, "Dearest Grandpa, one time you must hab failed,
Or maybe you've been naughty and dot an awful scare,
Which taused the top ob yu's round head to tum right frew de hair."
SUSAN REWARDED FOR TWENTY YEARS' SERVICE
Professor Theophilus Socrates Snook
One day paid a visit to Susan, his cook,
And, beaming upon her with kindliest look,
Said, "Susan, my dear, please gaze at this book.
In here you may learn of elephantiasis,
And also the hookworm, uncinariasis;
Of craw-craw and chiggers, of ainhum and sprue,
And all that I've written about them is true.
Now, Susan, to me you've been faithful, my dear,
In keeping my house for many a year;
For years nearly twenty you've been now with me,
Cooking my victuals just as they should be,
And truly I think a reward I should pay
To one who has labored from day unto day.
So when I discovered a wondrous new germ,
Which causes young children to wiggle and squirm,
I thought that this bug for you I would name
And bring you great glory and honor and fame.
It's a wondrous discovery, this ungomariasis,
And so we will call it the SUSANBONPIASIS."
"No, thank you, your honor," said Susan Bawben,
"I had the bugs once and don't want 'em again.
And if you onsist upon callin' me BUGS,
I'll lave you alone wid your books and your drugs."
A WONDROUS GROWING BABY
FIRST LADY:
"Just now I heard a story, which sister says is true,
About a lovely baby which grew and grew and grew,
Because its mother fed it on full gallons of good milk,
So that it gained ten pounds a day and looked as fine as silk."
SECOND LADY:
"I don't believe the story, such diet it would kill
A poor wee darling baby--at least, 'twould make it ill."
FIRST LADY:
"'Tis true, most little babies would have burst and died--
But not so with this baby--'Ma Elephant's fond pride.'"
A JOKE ON ONKLO KARLO
Onklo Karlo, he's a duck, and I love him dearly,
'Cause he loves all little girls, amusing them so queerly
By catching in his mouth the nuts which he hurls in the air,
And making paper cones to stand just almost anywhere;
Or holding apples on a pole stuck right upon his nose,
And balancing the little girls just straight upon his toes.
He always has good candy--the kind I love to eat--
Made of delicious goodies that taste so nice and sweet.
He tells most wondrous stories of sky and land and sea,
And never seems to weary of pleasing little me;
And jokes, he knows so many his store will ne'er give out,
They make me laugh and giggle and sometimes even shout;
But here's a joke on Onklo--I wonder if he knows
That nails are hidden in his socks--of course, they're on his toes.
THE PEARL OF LAKES
Of all good Uncle Sam's great lakes,
LAKE ERIE is the best;
She is a pearl among all lakes
Of north, south, east or west
Her waters on a pleasant day
Dance gaily in the sun,
And ever seem to smile at me
And say, "Come, have some fun
Within my cool refreshing spray
Of waters bright and clear,
Oh, little girl, come right away,
And never have a fear!
There are no dread sea monsters here
Within my wide domain,
Where only best of 'Finny-kind'
Are e'er allowed to reign."
My little friend, sweet Jean, and I
Say, "Thank you, gracious Lake,
Well don our bathing suits and caps
And then a plunge will take
Right into your fresh cooling fount,
And then we'll be so clean
That not a soul would ever think
That PITTSBURGH we had seen."
THE MUSEUM'S FAT LADY
TEACHER TO TOMMY:
"Now, Tommy, please answer, and tell me at once,
Who is your father, you silly young dunce?"
TOMMY TO TEACHER:
Said Tommy, with tears gushing forth from his eyes,
"I know you're a lady w'at's most wondrous wise,
But I hates like the mischief to tell on poor Pa,
'Cause he's always good to both me and Ma,
But he is the fat lady w'at you may see
By goin' to Barnum's and payin' a fee."
PATTI LOU AT THE ZOO
My little Cousin Patti Lou
One day went to the Highland Zoo,
And there she saw an old ZEBU
Who looked at her and said, "Moo--moo!"
And ended with an awful "Oooooooooh!"
She saw also a funny GNU,
And said to him, "Well, how are you?"
But he would nothing say or do,
Not even grant, nor bray, nor mew.
She saw a polly as it flew,
And showed gay feathers, pink and blue,
But when she came this bird to woo,
Poll bit her finger almost through.
Near to this wicked Polly Chew
There lived a handsome, large HIBOU,
Which came from some fine foreign zoo,
And worked its head round like a screw.
The camel and the kangaroo,
With polar bears and brown bears, too,
And many birds to me quite new,
All made their home in this great zoo.
With elephants and tigers, too,
And a huge lion named KING FOO,
He paced his cage and said, "Grr--roo!"
As if he meant, "I will eat you!"
Near him a dove all pink and blue
So sweetly sang of love, "Coo--coo,"
While across the way MONK SNOOPLE SNOO
Swung by his tail and sneezed "Ca--choo!"
FURS LINED WITH KITTENS
Said a rich little girl, who was boasting one day,
"I'ze too many furs, so I throws them away;"
But her poor little friend, who fine furs had none,
In braggadocia could not be outdone,
And proudly she showed her little fur mittens
And said, "I'ze sum odders, do deys lined wid kittens."
MUCH LEARNING SAVES IGNATIUS
"Father," said learned Ignatius, as the strap was preparing to fall
Down on his trousersless bare-skin, "I don't mind a whipping at all,
But are you quite certain, dear father, the strap has been well
sterilized?
For virulent germs in old leather are often concealed and disguised;
And surely by violent impact with textile and soft porous skin,
But lately exposed to the street's dust there's danger of entering in
Upon my most delicate system, and then comes the big doctor's fee,
So, dear father, show you're a wise man and touch not the strap upon
me."
While the learned youth plead, lo! his father upon that dread strap
loosed his hold,
And thus he escaped from a whipping, Ignatius the wise and the bold.
TWILIGHT
Of all the hours of day or night
Give me the twilight hour,
When little birds hide out of sight
And every sylvan bower
Is filled with their sweet good night song,
While darkness creeps apace
O'er all the bright blue sky along
And hides the sun's gold face.
That is the hour when Mother dear
Says, "Come, sweetheart," to me,
"And of the earth's great heroes hear
While sitting on my knee."
Upon her arm I rest my hand
And wondrous stories hear,
Until it's time to go to bed,
Tucked in by Mother dear.
A FIVE-FOOT SHELF OF SUMMER BOOKS
Whenever you're perspiring like a Gruyère cheese,
List to this list of cooling works which cannot fail to please:
Great Isaac Hayes's noted work upon the POLAR SEA,
How much with him this broiling day we all would like to be!
Or maybe in the SNOWBOUND realms we'd find still more delight
If Whittier, the poet great, would take us there to-night.
With Nansen in his tales of weird and far-off frozen lands,
Where no one needs be tortured by electric buzzing fans;
And Barrows' wondrous voyages in icy ARCTIC REGIONS,
Meeting monstrous icebergs each hour by the legions.
While each and all would love to get a nice big cooling box
Of the ARCTIC SUNBEAMS that are mentioned by S. Cox,
And ICY LANDS by Perry, Kane, Atkinson and Hall,
Sound so mighty tempting to us one and all.
Exploring parties to the North led by the hero Schley,
Oh, such a summer voyage how we would like to try!
And follow after Wrangell with snow up to our knees
Across Siberia's lonely plains to far-off NORTHERN SEAS.
While reading of the ICE FLOATS from Kennan and from Hohn,
We feel that we should have a shelf all of our very own,
And on it all these chilly works we there should keep on hand,
To take us when we're hot and cross to some cool northern land.
THE CAT EXTINCTED THE CANARY
"Josephine," asked the teacher, "can you tell to me
Any bird that's now extinct, but used on earth to be?"
"Oh, yes, Miss Jane," said Josephine, "our sweet canary, Jim,
Because the naughty pussy cat, she quite extincted him."
A BONY SONG
Eight and twenty bones, 'tis said,
Are located in my head.
In my trunk are fifty-four
That I add to my bone store;
While my limbs have plenty more--
Full one hundred twenty-four.
In my skull, the strong round box
Which protects my brains from knocks,
There are eight bones in its wall--
Glad I have them when I fall!
Occipital there is but one;
One ethmoid and wedge sphenoid one,
One frontal bone not very long--
Compared with oak just twice as strong.
Parietals there are but two,
Two temporals will also do.
Fourteen bones are in my face,
To know them not is a disgrace.
One lower jaw and upper two
Help me each day when I must chew.
Two turbinated shaped like cones,
Two nasal, malar, palate bones,
Two lachrymals and vomer one,
But very large bones there are none.
The smallest bones are in my ear
And help me when I wish to hear.
These bones so small, are hard to see--
The mallet, anvil, stapes wee.
My bony trunk it takes good care
Of all the organs hidden there.
Its spinal column very long
Has six and twenty bones so strong.
Small bones just seven it doth take
A neck or cervical to make,
With dorsals twelve and lumbars five,
I surely need if I would thrive;
With sacrum one and lots of ribs,
Fourteen true and ten called "fibs,"
One coccyx, sternum, hyoid small,
With two big hip bones--that is all.
Now in my limbs, just let me see,
I own a clavicle or key,
A scapula or shoulder blade,
And which for gold I wouldn't trade,
A humerus not meant for fun,
A radius and ulna one.
Eight carpals help to form my wrists.
Five metacarpals in my fist,
While all my fingers have each three
Phalanges that are strong but wee,
But my poor thumbs can only boast
Of two phalanges at the most.
My lower limbs are proud to own
A sturdy thigh or femur bone.
This useful bone is very long
And joined by a patella strong
To two stout bones within my leg,
One like a flute, one like a peg,
One as the fibula is known,
The other's called tibia bone.
My instep has just seven tarsals,
Shaped à la the eight wrist carpals,
While the five bones in my feet
With fourteen more the toes complete.
Thus each perfect person owns
Just two hundred and six bones.
LET THE BUMBLE BE
One day I saw a bumble bee bumbling on a rose,
And as I stood admiring him, he stung me on the nose.
My nose in pain it swelled so large it looked like a potato,
So Daddy said, though Mother thought 'twas more like a tomato.
And now, dear children, this advice, I hope you'll take from me,
And when you see a bumble bee, just let that bumble be.
GRANDMA TURKEY'S LAMENT
"Oh! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! Oh!
The Turkey-world is full of woe!"
So Grandma Turkey sadly gobbles
As in her coop she lamely wobbles.
"This woe is caused by people's germs
Which are much smaller than wee worms
Yet cause great trouble on this earth
And drive away all joy and mirth.
"When I was young the turkeys then
They lost their turklettes now and then
When wintry winds came howling round
And chilly snow fell on the ground
From one disease, DECAPIDITIS,
But now we have appendicitis
While it is pleasant summer weather
And we should scarcely lose a feather.
"Our poor weak throats are the receiver
For children's ills, as scarlet fever
And many a diphtheratic germ
Which causes us in pain to squirm,
Extincting all of our fine race
So common birds must take our place."
ANSWERS, NOT QUESTIONS, CAUSE TROUBLE
MOTHER:
"Don't bother your father with questions, Ervane,
He's tired of hearing you ask to explain
Why fishes can't walk or ride on the land?
How lizards and fleas can live in the sand?
What causes the sun to set in the west
And always to sleep in one golden nest?
When will the time come for children to fly
And play in the clouds with the birds in the sky?
Such foolish, vain questions, they trouble your dad
And sometimes I fear they make him quite sad."
"No, Mother," replied the inquisitive lad,
"It's the answers, not questions, that trouble poor Dad."
ROOSEVELT COMPLIMENTS MAMA LION
One day last year King Teddy arose with old King Sun
And, seeing a huge lion, he seized his trusty gun
And made the King of Jungle-land quickly homeward run,
While Teddy followed after and thought it lots of fun.
King Lion reached his tavern home, trembling in great fear,
But when Queen Lion heard his tale, she simply scratched one ear,
Then shrugged her shoulders à la hump and to her husband said,
"In all the best newspapers how often have I read
That Teddy loves all parents who large families possess,
And I am sure with many cubs our happy den is blessed."
Then grave and proud Queen Lion she carried out each babe,
And placed it in the doorway of her Afro-jungle cave;
And there she proudly waited for King Teddy to appear,
For of his teeth and of his gun she hadn't any fear.
The coward King of Jungle-land, he hid himself inside,
And when he heard King Teddy's voice his bones shook in his hide;
But soon he knew his fears were vain when Teddy, laughing, said:
"As mother of fine sextets, you surely rank ahead
Of all the lions I have met in circus tent or den,
To meet you I'm DEE-LIGHTED, and I hope we'll meet again."
WEE WILLIE'S FIRST HAIR CUT
Last Friday, for the first time, wee Willie went with me
To the colored barber, who bowed most graciously,
And asked the little fellow how should he crop his curls,
Close to his head, in medium length, or bobbed like little girls'?
Wee Willie answered promptly. "My hair, please, barber, crop
Like my own dear Daddy's, wif a small round hole on top."
THE TIME OF HIS LIFE
There are many schools of learning and also schools of game,
But the school with largest members bears KING HIPPO'S name,
And big and little people, yes, even EVANS' FLEET,
Would think it quite unpleasant a Hippo school to meet.
But Bwana Tumbo Teddy, who knows no thought of fear,
Laughed in joyous pleasure as the SCHOOL drew near,
And smiling at the leader, he made her stiff with fright,
As from his parted mouthpiece his white teeth came in sight.
Then Bwana seized his rifle and, taking steady aim,
He fired at Queen Hippo and made her front legs lame,
Then shooting at her sisters, and brothers left and right,
He scattered all the mighty beasts and drove them out of sight.
All those he killed, this hunter brave, then quickly towed ashore,
Saying, "I'M DEE-LIGHTED, and I hope to meet some more
SCHOOLS OF HIPPOPOTAMI that feel inclined to strife,
As in this Hippo-battle I'd the time of my whole life."
THE WINKING STAR
There's a winking star in the sky above,
At least so I've been told;
A veritable little flirt of a star,
But he surely can't be bold,
As he's some million miles from here
In Pegasus, the steed,
And if we wish to see him wink
A telescope we need.
TOO MANY DOLLS
Miss Margaret Mary Elizabeth May,
Had one hundred dollies with which she could play.
There were bisque dolls and wax dolls and dolls with real hair,
Red dolls and black dolls and dolls that were fair,
Fat dolls and plump dolls and dolls in the style,
Hipless and jointless and dressed in a smile;
Sag dolls and wood dolls and celluloid boys,
China and paper and Jumping Jack Joys;
Irish and Scotch dolls and dolls from Paree,
And all of the strange lands from over the sea;
Jappies and Chinese and dark Esquimos,
Dutchies and Germans and cutest Dagoes;
Dollies from Egypt and dollies from Spain,
Hindoos and Hebrews and one little Dane.
From Poland and Russia they'd traveled afar
By railroad and steamer and also by car
To join other dollies from Johnnie Bull's home,
And lovely Italians from far away Rome.
From Greenland and Iceland, Norway and Greece,
The string of these dollies seemed never to cease.
But Margaret Mary Elizabeth May
Could never decide with which doll to play,
So she was not happy as poor little Sue,
Who in her doll family had only two
Wretched rag dollies without any hair,
But which she considered a most lovely pair.
And these ugly dollies they gave her delight,
As with them she played from morning till night.
LAST OF MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb;
She also had a little ham,
A pie, a cake, an ice-cream cone,
Which caused the maiden loud to groan.
And now poor Mary and her lamb
And pie and cake and cone and ham
Are resting in the cold, dark tomb--
For Mary met dyspeptic's doom.
WOES CAUSED BY WHOOPING BUGS
If you don't believe that whooping-cough causes lots of woe,
Just catch a few whooping germs and then I guess you'll know
That whoopee-whoops! and wheepee-wheeps! are not one bit of fun,
When you see others playing games where all must jump and run;
For if you jump or if you run, you start the whoop-oop-oop!
And even if you're tired you can't sleep for the croup,
Caused by the awful whooping bugs, which lurk within your throat
And make your voice sound hoarser than the singing of a goat.
For fear of spreading whooping bugs you certainly can't go
To Sunday-school or other school, or even to a show,
But you must stay at home ALONE from three to six long weeks,
And listen to your croaking voice, which whoops and sometimes squeaks.
So therefore take the good advice of a little girl who knows,
And stay away from WHOOPING-COUGH, which causes lots of woes.
GOOD B'S AND BAD T'S
The most precious treasures in all this good earth,
The givers of JOY of only true worth
Are good books and babies, the two little B's
That are gifts of the FAIRIES for mortals to please.
The most dreaded tortures in all this wide earth
That to all greatest SORROWS are prone to give birth
Are bad tears and temper, the two ugly T's
Invented by GOBLINS for mortals to tease.
A BOY'S COMPLAINT
Grandma calls me Johnnie, father calls me John,
My sweetheart calls me Buddy, and the boys call me Don,
But Mother, oh, dear Mother, whenever I come near,
She calls me darling Baby and sometimes "BABY DEAR."
I like the name of Johnnie, I'm proud of my name John,
I don't mind hearing Buddy and the shorter name of Don,
But, though I love dear Mother far more than all the rest,
Her name of DARLING BABY I thoroughly detest.
You see when I am playing with boys in the street,
And pitching ball or doing some extraordinary feat,
It makes me feel so little to hear my mother call,
"Watch out, my darling BABY, be careful lest you fall!"
I'm not a darling baby, nor little baby dear,
I'm quite a great big boy and have no baby fear,
But I can't stand the guying the boys give to me,
When Mother starts to calling that hateful name--"BABEE."
KING TEDDY, THE FEARLESS
King Teddy has much courage to fight both beasts and men
With pistols and with broadswords and with the mighty pen.
And now in Afric jungles he's busy fighting fleas,
Mosquitoes, and big tigers and monstrous bumble bees;
Huge elephants, gorillas and awful Guinea-worms,
Sloughing phagedæna, and sleeping sickness germs,
Tinea imbricata, piedra, and goundou,
Malaria and the ainhum, pinta and the sprue,
Chyluria, mycetonia, leprosy and yaws,
Afric dysentery and maybe lions' claws,
Bubonic plague and dengue and dreadful tropic-boils,
Fevers black and yellow and sometimes serpents' coils,
Tinea Madagascar, Dhobie itch, screw worms,
Beri-beri and craw-craw and all the Afric germs;
With dread sun-traumatism, and abscess of the liver,
Yet none of these great terrors can make King Teddy shiver.
THE GROUCH-BUG
Of all the dreaded bugs and germs
That in this earth abound,
No bugs in greater number
Have ever yet been found,
Nor looked upon with terror more
By big folks and by small
Than GROUCH-BUGS, which are awful pests.
That come to one and all.
They make us, oh, so cranky
That we would like to yell,
And hunt up all the meanest things
About our friends to tell.
When other folks are smiling
The GROUCH-BUG'S victim cries,
While other folks are dancing
The GROUCH-SICK heave big sighs.
A great and noted doctor says
The GROUCH-BUG is but found
Within the torrid climate
Where heat waves will abound,
And that the bug will never live
In woman, boy or child,
But always seeks a man's stout frame
And makes him cross and wild.
But though I'm young, I truly think
That this is not quite true,
For well I know some little girls,
And boys and ladies, too,
Who have the awful GROUCHES
And get quite fiercely mad
So that they act like demons
Who never can be glad.
My daddy says the only cure
Which he would always use
For folks who get the GROUCHES
And other folks abuse,
Would be to give a ducking
With water freezing cold
So that they'd be so chilly
They couldn't even scold.
But for the kiddies of my age
Who let this bad bug in,
He recommends the touching
Of peach limb to bare skin.
KIND HEARTS
There are no bigger hearts for their bodies
And no kinder hearts on this earth
Than the big juicy red hearts of melons,
To mortals fair jewels of worth.
The "King Water Melon," the big heart,
Of all earthly melons the best,
He clings to the earth, his good mother,
And never once leaves her warm breast.
And so when he's grown he's a big heart,
Which helps both the great and the small,
When fevers are burning our parched throats
Or if we are thirsty at all.
These kind hearts are always so cooling
And taste, oh, so good and so sweet,
I'm sure that they once grew in Eden
For our Father Adam to eat.
HENS
What curious birds are common hens!
They make good broth and even pens.
They have no teeth, no hair, no nose,
But sport a comb red as a rose.
They have no arms or funny bones
That causes folks to let forth groans,
Their victuals they all swallow whole
And use a craw for a chopping bowl.
They have no hands, they have no wrists,
And without hands they can't make fists,
But for one thing they should rejoice
And cluck aloud with cheerful voice;
Not having hands, they have no nails,
Which are the cause of many wails,
For once a week we girls and boys
Must put aside our games and toys
And all our nice exciting tales,
While mother trims our finger nails.
NISSEN, THE SANTA CLAUS OF NORWAY
How glad I am that I was born in this land very dear,
Where children have a Santa Claus of whom they have no fear;
A Santa who is always kind, remembering one and all
When every year at Christmas time, he pays us all a call.
In far away chill Norway, there NISSEN is the name
Of the Christmas visitor who bears good Santa's fame;
But he's a naughty brownie so short and very small,
Not a bit like Santa who pays us all a call.
But, like our good gift giver, his beard is long and white,
And he wears a coat of furs and many colors bright.
But instead of bringing goodies to good girls and to boys,
Nice new clothes and books and games and lots of wondrous toys,
He expects that all big folks and also little ones
Should leave his favorite dishes, such as puddings, cakes and buns,
Outside of every doorway so that he may eat at will
Of these luscious dainties until he has had his fill.
Then after eating all the cakes his "tummy-tum" can hold,
He milks the cows and splits the wood (at least, so I've been told),
But never thinks to bring nice gifts to little girls and boys
Whose parents have to trim their trees and buy them all their toys.
Besides, this naughty NISSEN is cross at times and bad,
And does all sorts of horrid tricks which I think very sad
At Christmas when we all should be so kind to one another,
And treat each person whom we meet as if he were our brother.
But NISSEN steals away the cows and even horses fleet,
From all the people who forget to bake him puddings sweet;
And if above a whisper one should dare to speak or sing
About this cranky fellow, then this evil he will bring
Upon the one who dared to throw his name upon the breeze, As from that
time the guilty one must sneeze and sneeze and sneeze.
Now in our land we sing loud praise of Santa all the time, And tell
about his goodness great, in prose and jingling rhyme; And yet it seems
the more we sing about the jolly elf, The more he brings each year to
us upon the mantel shelf.
But children in far Norway are better girls and boys Than we who live
in this fair land and think so much of toys That we forget about the
pets while feeding our own selves Like thoughtless, greedy little pigs
or naughty selfish elves.
While Norway children in the fall they work to gather corn And save it
for the birds they feed on every Christmas morn; So we should follow
in their steps and feed the wee birds crumbs Before we start to feast
ourselves on Christmas sugar plums.
A CHRISTMAS WISH FOR ALL MY FRIENDS
While Christmas bells are chiming, oh, may there come to you
A dear sweet little fairy, who's always good and true;
The little happy fairy, who drives away dull care,
And makes all things upon the earth seem ever bright and fair.
She'll whisper to good Santa to bring what you most wish;
So if you have been longing for a fine pudding dish,
She will not, as in by-gone years, forget and bring to you
Something that you do not want, though beautiful and new.
SANTA'S REINDEER IN THE SKY
Long, long ago before this earth had any girls and boys
To hang their stockings on the shelf expecting Christmas toys,
Good Santa was a big white cloud that floated in the sky;
If you had lived in those old days, you'd seen him floating by.
But when the children came to rule upon good Mother Earth,
She took kind Santa from the sky and made him God of Mirth;
To bring at every Christmas time good gifts to girls and boys
And make them all so happy with a lot of lovely toys.
Far, far among the icebergs, in the cold and freezing zone,
She built for him a palace, where he lives almost alone,
With only good old Mrs. Claus to keep him company,
And sometimes Cousin Nicholas for two days or for three.
Wise Mother Earth she knew this clime would suit good Santa well,
For here no foolish, idle folks would ever come to dwell;
Nor pay the good Saint visits which would waste his precious time,
While he could work much faster here than in a warmer clime.
But never did he suffer from the icebergs at the Pole,
As fairies kept his fireplace all full of red-hot coal;
Or heaped bright burning logs on it as full as it could hold,
So Santa never felt a tweak of Jack Frost's biting cold.
Likewise the fairies brought to him and his most faithful spouse,
Just everything that they could need to keep a cozy house.
And even cooked their victuals and brought them every day
Exactly at the proper time, upon a huge hot tray.
And after they had eaten all the dainties on the tray,
The good kind fairies quickly came and took the tray away;
So Mrs. Claus had no excuse for being cross or sad,
Since no experience she had had with Bridgets getting mad.
When Santa finished all his toys, he put them in a sack,
Where he intended carrying them just like a pedler's pack,
But Mother Earth surprised the Saint and to his palace led
Eight lovely prancing reindeer and a large commodious sled.
These reindeer were the cousins of swift Pegasus, the steed
Who helped the hero Perseus when he was in great need;
And, like the flying hero horse, they lived up in the sky,
Till Mother Earth had need of them to help old Santa fly.
And so on every Christmas eve for full ten hundred years,
Good Santa and his reindeer fleet have banished children's tears
By bringing them most all the gifts their little hearts could wish,
And filling stockings, shoes and plates, and even puddin dish.
But when last Christmas came around, good Mother Earth, she said,
"Dear Santa, I have something fine for you to use instead
Of your good, faithful reindeer and your big old-fashioned sled,
For here's a lovely aeroplane, all painted shining red."
The wise old lady then declared that he could safely fly
With this machine most anywhere away up in the sky,
And travel far, far faster than the reindeer who were fleet
But stumbled sometimes on the roofs made slippery with sleet.
The aeroplane could carry well a larger load of toys,
So he could visit more good girls and also little boys,
Who live in far off heathen lands where everyone's a sinner,
But that's no reason each should do without a Christmas dinner.
With this machine he'd save some time to look out for each pet
Of all the little girls and boys, as they so oft forget
To treat their pets most kindly upon the Christmas morn
In memory of the Saviour who on this day was born.
And likewise all the horses, the cows and pigs and sheep,
For men so seldom think of them when Christmas time they keep;
And even wild, fierce animals, and fishes in the sea,
Should all be made quite happy at Christmas time to be.
"I do not like this plan at all of giving up my sled
And my good faithful reindeer," so good old Santa said.
But Mother Earth she laughed at him and said she would repay
The reindeer, whom she would send home straight to the Milky Way.
But Santa was old-fashioned and had great fears to fly
Without his sled and reindeer, he'd used in years gone by,
And begged that on his maiden trip these true old friends to take
To help him should the aeroplane prove but a wicked fake.
The laughing Earth then granted him this very small request,
And early on glad Christmas eve (the eve of all most blest)
He started forth upon his trip, did good old Santa dear,
Guiding his Wright aeroplane with feelings of great fear.
But Mother Earth showed she was wise and knew just what was best
To help the good old tired saint while on his children quest;
And fast the good Wright aeroplane it flew both low and high,
So Santa took the Earth's advice, and though he heaved a sigh,
He dropped the poor old worn-out sled as he was passing by,
And people said, who saw it fall, "A meteor from the sky!"
Then, kissing each good reindeer, he bade them all farewell,
And left them in the Milky Way, forever there to dwell.
And you, my little playmates, who have heard the tiny hoofs
Of the wondrous flying steeds pattering on the roofs,
If you would like to catch a glimpse of Santa's good reindeer,
Then wait until it's dark some night, and when the sky is clear,
You'll see them very plainly in the broad light Milky Way,
And there, for all the time to come, these steeds will romp and play.
ALL DENTISTS GO TO HEAVEN
I don't like dentists, because they hurt me
With horrid bad pinchers as sharp as can be.
They pick at my teeth and scratch in my head
Until I begin to wish I were dead.
But I read in the paper (so I suppose it's so)
That all of the dentists to Heaven will go,
Because they are needed away up there
To make gold crowns for the angels fair.
MABEL AT THE BUTCHER SHOP
When Mabel went with Mother
To buy some chops for tea,
She gazed in awestruck horror
At sawdust she could see,
Sprinkled over all the floor,
To north, south, east and west,
And as wee Mabel saw it
Her heart was sore oppressed.
She hated all the butchers
And yearned to be at home,
Where she could guard her dolly
And teach her not to roam
Afar to shops of butchers,
As now wee Mabel knew
That butchers hurt poor dollies
And stab them through and through,
So all their nice warm stuffings
Would flow from every pore
And cover well with sawdust
The butcher's dirty floor.
THANKSGIVING IN 20,000 A. D.
"Oh, how the ways have changed with men
Since the good days of nineteen ten,
When I was living on the earth
And joining in Thanksgiving mirth!"
A nineteen hundred spirit cried
As many people he espied
While gazing on old Mother Earth
Years twenty thousand since her birth.
Long, long ago, as poets say,
For good Thanksgiving holiday
A feast was spread of nice mince pies.
Of turkeys of tremendous size,
Cranberry sauce, and giblet stew,
Potatoes, corn and ice cream, too,
With salads, raisins, nuts and cake,
And all the pastry "Ma" could bake.
These days, alas! they don't believe
That any stomach should receive
A mixture of such tasty things,
And as folks float upon their wings
They take some predigested pills,
Which, so they say, keep off all ills.
And now on good Thanksgiving Day
There is no feasting, as folks say--
"We wish to live for many years,
And of all eating we have fears.
The doctors say corn's full of worms
Known as pellagra's awful germs,
That turkeys cause appendicitis,
Scarlet fever, stomachtitis;
That products of the frying pan
Cause great distress to every man;
That puddings bring us naught but woe,
And therefore we should let them go.
We ne'er will sit around a table
And eat as long as we are able,
Then put it in the daily paper
That Mrs. X. cut such a caper
As to invite fair Madame P.
To dine with her or drink some tea.
'Tis vulgar, common, so we think,
To go about and eat and drink,
While people watch us taking food
Which we consider very rude;
So to dark closets we retire
When NATURE calls for more food-fire,
And there on this Thanksgiving Day
We all will go, though not to pray,
But predigested powders take
Instead of turkey, pie and cake."
ON THANKSGIVING
Before you eat good turkey, rich mince and pumpkin pies
On that great feast of feast days when "tum-tums" grow in size,
The good old day THANKSGIVING, the best day in the year,
When all should be so thankful around the board of cheer.
Then don't forget the poor ones, the hungry, cold and sad,
Go fill their empty tables and make the whole world glad
THE PETS' CHRISTMAS CAROL
"Tweet--tweet--tweet!" sang the canary,
Which meant that he was very merry,
Because his little mistress, Nell,
On Christmas eve had fed him well.
"Bow--wow--wow!" sang the gay young pup,
"My master's gone away to sup,
But though he won't be here for tea,
Just see the meal he left for me!"
"Mew--mew--mew!" sang the mama cat,
"Such milk as this will make me fat,
And, oh, I feel so very gay
This cold and frosty Christmas day."
Each mama cow sang "Moo--moo--moo!"
And gentle dove sang--"Coo--coo--coo."
And every horse and sheep and pig,
And duck and chicken, small and big,
A carol sang on Christmas eve,
Because a feast each did receive.
ONLY NAUGHTY CHILDREN SEE "SPOOKS" ON HALLOWE'EN
Witches and goblins, spooks and elves,
With sprites and gnomes from elf-land delves,
To-night are flying here and there,
Yes, up and down and everywhere.
For this one night in all the year
They rule the earth and bring great fear
To all the naughty little boys
Who tease good girls and break their toys.
These spooks they also make girls sad
When they are selfish, cross and bad;
So when it's dark, bad boys and maids.
They see these awful fearsome shades,
And that is why with covered heads,
They trembling lie in their warm beds.