(_A SKETCH AT SYDENHAM._)
SCENE--_An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.--The Arena is
thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light
American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side,
with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus,
and a bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead
opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining
these ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter
a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows
to the audience, and is but faintly applauded, owing to a
disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not
tame in a tall hat. However, he merely appears to introduce
Professor NORTON B. SMITH, who, turning out to be a slender,
tall man, in a slouch hat, black velveteen coat, breeches, and
riding boots, is received with enthusiasm._
_The Professor_ (_with a slight Transatlantic accent_). The first
animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, afraid
Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost _anything_, in
fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (_To a tall Groom and a short one,
who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over a drum, to
the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost anything is
brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defying any_
Professor _to cure_ him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, he's only
Nervous.
[Illustration: "The short Groom falling over a drum."]
[_The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and
lashes out by way of contradiction._
_Paterfamilias, in audience_ (_who has a spoilt horse at home_). Just
what I always say about _Tartar_--it's nerves, not vice.
_His Eldest Daughter._ Shall you send him here to be cured, Father?
_Paterf._ No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I
shall able to take _Tartar_ in hand myself, I have no doubt.
_The Prof._ (_instructively_). It is natural For a Horse when
frightened at anything in Front of him, To jump Backwards, and when
frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (_Applause, in
recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom._) Now I
will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means Of
my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. Always Be
Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that
Harness. (_The short Groom trips again, but so elaborately as to be
immediately recognised as the funny man of the performance, after
which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The Professor shouts,
"Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this suggestion,
emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being attached to
the animals forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much to his
surprise and indignation_.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only when
you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (_horse down again, intensely
humiliated_.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady!" and
teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards Deceiving him.
(Paterf. _makes a note of this on Tartar's account._) Steady ...
Woa! (_Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling that he is the
victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, Professor says
"Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to take the
hint._)
_Paterf._ Wonder where I could get that apparatus--just the thing for
_Tartar_!
_His Daughter_. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust
first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said "Woa!"
you know, and _that_ wouldn't do!
_Paterf._ Um! No. Never thought of that.
_Prof._ I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (_The two
Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at
which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his
lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to
humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum
to be beaten on his head with patient disgust._)
_The Daughter_. You might try _that_ with _Tartar_, Father. You could
have the dinner-gong, you know.
_Paterf._ (_dubiously_). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have
the same effect, my dear.
_Prof._ (_who has vaulted on the horse's back_). I will now make him
familiar With an umbrella. (_Opens it suddenly; horse plunges_.) Now,
Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella--vurry good one too--it isn't
going to hurt you; look at it!
[_He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it
over his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that
he may have been prejudiced._
_Daughter._ It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could hide
in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him.
_Paterf._ Not while _I'm_--Well, we must see what your _Mother_ says
about that. [_Begins to wish he had come alone._
_Prof._ (_introducing another horse_). This animal is a confirmed
Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him. (_Some tin
pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, perceiving
that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness makes him
decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner._) Hang on more
tinware, boys! Some persons here may feel Disappointed that he Doesn't
kick. Remember--that is not My Fault. They can't be too vicious
to please me. (_The Horse sees his way to score, and after bearing
various trials in a spirit of Christian resignation, leaves the Arena,
consoled by the reflection that no one there got much fun out of_ him,
_at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Professor illustrates
his patent method of teaching him to stand while being groomed, by
tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and the rope
in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuntary waltz,
after which he mounts him and continues his discourse._) Now it
occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go down G.
Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E. Street,
and he generally _does_ go up it too!
_A Sister_ (_to her Brother_). ROBERT that's just like the horse _you_
rode that last time, isn't it?
[_ROBERT doesn't answer, fervently hoping that his Sister's
Pretty Friend has not overheard this comment._
_The Prof._ Well, the way to overcome that is just to turn the animal
round--so--several times till he gets dizzy and forgets where E.
Street is, and then he says to himself, "I guess I'd better go
wherever the gentleman wants!"
_The Sister._ ROBERT's horse turned round and round like
that--_didn't_ he, ROBERT? [ROBERT _turns rather red and grunts._
_Her Pretty Friend._ And then did he go where your brother wanted him
to?
_The Sister._ Oh yes, at last. (_ROBERT breathes more freely._) Only
without ROBERT. [_ROBERT wonders bitterly why on earth a fellow's
Sisters should try to make him out a regular muff like this._
[_Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness
in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the
Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads,
whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the
Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a
few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out
as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that
moment. They despise the Comic Groom when he prances at them
with a flag, and the performance of the Serious Man on the
cymbals only inspires them with grave concern on his account.
The bundle of coloured rags is let down suddenly on their
heads, and causes them nothing but contemptuous amusement;
crackers bang about their heels--and they pretend to be
pleased; the Funny Groom (who is, by this time, almost
unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's back
and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained by
his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers
at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this,
they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes--a pair
of equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this
earth._]
_The Prof._ (_concluding amidst loud applause_). Ladies and Gentlemen,
I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, and
that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to send
him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge.
_Paterf._ I shall have _Tartar_ sent here--less trouble than trying
the methods myself--and safer.
_Prof._ And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the
Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or
so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.
_The Daughter_. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will _have_
to be done at home!
_Paterf._ (_who doesn't quite see himself dancing about_ Tartar _with
a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back_). Well, TOPPIN will
take the horse over, and he'll be here and see how it's done. I can't
be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do!
_The Daughter_. I wish you would. I'm sure _Tartar_ would rather _you_
tamed him than TOPPIN!
[_Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not
unlikely, sees no necessity to consider his horse's
preferences in the matter_.
* * * * *