SCENE.--As before.
LADY K.--Don't smoke, you naughty boy. I don't like it. Besides, it will
encourage your brother-in-law to smoke.
CLARENCE K.--Anything to oblige you, I'm sure. But can't do without it,
mother; it's good for my health. When I was in the Plungers, our doctor
used to say, "You ought never to smoke more than eight cigars a day"--an
order, you know, to do it--don't you see?
LADY K.--Ah, my child! I am very glad you are not with those unfortunate
people in the East.
K.--So am I. Sold out just in time. Much better fun being here, than
having the cholera at Scutari. Nice house, Milliken's. Snob, but
good fellow--good cellar, doosid good cook. Really, that salmi
yesterday,--couldn't have it better done at the "Rag" now. You have got
into good quarters here, mother.
LADY K.--The meals are very good, and the house is very good; the
manners are not of the first order. But what can you expect of city
people? I always told your poor dear sister, when she married Mr.
Milliken, that she might look for everything substantial,--but not
manners. Poor dear Arabella WOULD marry him.
K.--Would! that is a good one, mamma! Why, you made her! It's a dozen
years ago. But I recollect, when I came home from Eton, seeing her
crying because Charley Tufton--
LADY K.--Mr. Tufton had not a shilling to bless himself with. The
marriage was absurd and impossible.
K.--He hadn't a shilling then. I guess he has plenty now. Elder brother
killed, out hunting. Father dead. Tuf a baronet, with four thousand a
year if he's a shilling.
LADY K.--Not so much.
K.--Four thousand if it's a shilling. Why, the property adjoins
Kicklebury's--I ought to know. I've shot over it a thousand times. Heh!
I remember, when I was quite a young 'un, how Arabella used to go out
into Tufton Park to meet Charley--and he is a doosid good fellow, and a
gentlemanlike fellow, and a doosid deal better than this city fellow.
LADY K.--If you don't like this city fellow, Clarence, why do you come
here? why didn't you stop with your elder brother at Kicklebury?
K.--Why didn't I? Why didn't YOU stop at Kicklebury, mamma? Because you
had notice to quit. Serious daughter-in-law, quarrels about management
of the house--row in the building. My brother interferes, and politely
requests mamma to shorten her visit. So it is with your other two
daughters; so it was with Arabella when she was alive. What shindies you
used to have with her, Lady Kicklebury! Heh! I had a row with my brother
and sister about a confounded little nursery-maid.
LADY K.--Clarence!
K.--And so I had notice to quit too. And I'm in very good quarters here,
and I intend to stay in 'em, mamma. I say--
LADY K.--What do you say?
K.--Since I sold out, you know, and the regiment went abroad, confound
me, the brutes at the "Rag" will hardly speak to me! I was so ill, I
couldn't go. Who the doose can live the life I've led and keep health
enough for that infernal Crimea? Besides, how could I help it? I was
so cursedly in debt that I was OBLIGED to have the money, you know. YOU
hadn't got any.
LADY K.--Not a halfpenny, my darling. I am dreadfully in debt myself.
K.--I know you are. So am I. My brother wouldn't give me any, not a
dump. Hang him! Said he had his children to look to. Milliken wouldn't
advance me any more--said I did him in that horse transaction. He! he!
he! so I did! What had I to do but to sell out? And the fellows cut
me, by Jove. Ain't it too bad? I'll take my name off the "Rag," I will,
though.
LADY K.--We must sow our wild oats, and we must sober down; and we must
live here, where the living is very good and very cheap, Clarence, you
naughty boy! And we must get you a rich wife. Did you see at church
yesterday that young woman in light green, with rather red hair and a
pink bonnet?
K.--I was asleep, ma'am, most of the time, or I was bookin' up the
odds for the Chester Cup. When I'm bookin' up, I think of nothin' else,
ma'am,--nothin'.
LADY K.--That was Miss Brocksopp--Briggs, Brown and Brocksopp, the great
sugar-bakers. They say she will have eighty thousand pound. We will ask
her to dinner here.
K.--I say--why the doose do you have such old women to dinner here? Why
don't you get some pretty girls? Such a set of confounded old frumps as
eat Milliken's mutton I never saw. There's you, and his old mother Mrs.
Bonnington, and old Mrs. Fogram, and old Miss What's-her-name, the woman
with the squint eye, and that immense Mrs. Crowder. It's so stoopid,
that if it weren't for Touchit coming down sometimes, and the billiards
and boatin', I should die here--expire, by gad! Why don't you have some
pretty women into the house, Lady Kicklebury?
LADY K.--Why! Do you think I want that picture taken down: and another
Mrs. Milliken? Wisehead! If Horace married again, would he be your
banker, and keep this house, now that ungrateful son of mine has turned
me out of his? No pretty woman shall come into the house whilst I am
here.
K.--Governess seems a pretty woman: weak eyes, bad figure, poky, badly
dressed, but doosid pretty woman.
LADY K.--Bah! There is no danger from HER. She is a most faithful
creature, attached to me beyond everything. And her eyes--her eyes
are weak with crying for some young man who is in India. She has his
miniature in her room, locked up in one of her drawers.
K.--Then how the doose did you come to see it?
LADY K.--We see a number of things, Clarence. Will you drive with me?
K.--Not as I knows on, thank you. No, Ma; drivin's TOO slow: and you're
goin' to call on two or three old dowagers in the Park? Thank your
ladyship for the delightful offer.
Enter JOHN.
JOHN.--Please, sir, here's the man with the bill for the boats; two
pound three.
K.--Damn it, pay it--don't bother ME!
JOHN.--Haven't got the money, sir.
LADY K.--Howell! I saw Mr. Milliken give you a cheque for twenty-five
pounds before he went into town this morning. Look sir [runs, opens
drawer, takes out cheque-book]. There it is, marked, "Howell, 25L."
JOHN.--Would your ladyship like to step down into my pantry and see what
I've paid with the twenty-five pounds? Did my master leave any orders
that your ladyship was to inspect my accounts?
LADY K.--Step down into the pantry! inspect your accounts? I never heard
such impertinence. What do you mean, sir?
K.--Dammy, sir, what do you mean?
JOHN.--I thought as her ladyship kept a heye over my master's private
book, she might like to look at mine too.
LADY K.--Upon my word, this insolence is too much.
JOHN.--I beg your ladyship's pardon. I am sure I have said nothing.
K.--Said, sir! your manner is mutinous, by Jove, sir! if I had you in
the regiment!--
JOHN.--I understood that you had left the regiment, sir, just before it
went on the campaign, sir.