Well, it does seem rayther rum, I confess, but it's nevertheless true,
that hardly nothink of a singlar and xtraordinary charackter seems to
appen in London that I don't seem to be present. In these dredful dull
days, when there ain't not no great dinners a going on, no not hardly
one Livery Company a dining in their Alls of dazzling light, and the
LORD MARE hisself a injoying of his olliday at Pangburn, what is a
pore Hed Waiter to do to wile away a idle hour or 2; so hearing as two
of the seven Champions of England was about to run a race of ever so
many hundred yards in just a few seconds, at Lilly Bridge, me and
BROWN went there on that now sillybrated Monday, and saw sich a
rewolutionary riot as would have done justice to old Ireland itself.
Determined to be in good time, we went early, and took up our plaices,
and patiently waited. At about 5 o'clock pea. hem. the two galliant
Champions walked on the ground, and took a good look at it. I didn't
think werry much of their pussonal aperance, and shouldn't a thort as
they was Champions if I hadn't bin told, and one was a good deal older
than the other one, which didn't seem quite fare to me. However, I
didn't interfere, as it wasn't no bizziness of mine, and the two
running Champions walked in to dress, or rather praps I should say, to
undress for the race. Harf past 5 came, and no Champions, and 6
o'clock struck and no Champions, and we began to get jest a little
fidgetty; at aquarter-past 6 a wild roomer spread around that we was
all a going to be sold!
There was about a hundred thowsand on us, more or less, a waiting
patiently and quietly for a sight that thousands had cum hundreds of
miles for to see, and we was told as how as the two galliant Champions
had had a jolly row jest as they was a undressing, and then both on em
dressed themselves again, and set off at their werry best speed, in
quite different and rong directions, and never cum back! At this
howdacious swindle our true British pluck begun for to arise, and we
all with one acord began to shout tout, "Give us back our Money!" As
they didn't do it, we all made a rush to the Pay Places, jest to help
ourselves to our several shillings, but the cowardly money-takers had
bolted with our money!
Then we Great Britains, feeling as we had been hartfully swindled,
rose up in our mighty wroth and wowed wengeance! And wengeance we
took! Some of the leading sperits among us who had come hundreds of
miles to see the Recorder beaten, tho why they wanted to beat him I
coudn't at all understand, shouted out "We'll have sum-think for our
money afore we gos back," and quite right too, if they'd ha' stopped
at the beer and lemonade, and the spunge cakes, at which the first
rush was made, but when it came to destruction and fire and rebellyon,
me and BROWN withdrawed our countenances from the hole thing and
remembered our duty to our QUEEN and Country, and seeing as the blue
Gardiens of the Peeple was rayther hard pressed by the raging and
angry Mob, we got two of our friends, as was there, to jine us, and
then them, and me, and BROWN, thinking as perhaps a reserve force
might be wanted, and out of respect to the great Country that begot
us, and bread us, and eddicated us, we stood a long ways off and
formed ourselves into a reserve Corpse accordingly, and from there we
surweyed all the wild and wicked proceedings in peace and quietness,
and, strange to say, wasn't wanted after all!
Ah, if a few more of the few respectable-looking gents as was there
had imitated our bold xample, things might have ended werry different
to what they begun, but so it is, the mere mob is jest as easily led
away to do rong as to do rite, it's only the few who has the moral
curridge to judge for theirselves as can stand apart on the roof of a
publichouse, and look down with pitty and contemp on what is quite
beneath 'em.
As I stood a moralising from my exhalted persition, with a glass of
werry nice hot rum and water to keep up my sperrits and keep out the
cold, I coudn't help thinking wot a werry wunderfull chap is the
Brittish Publick when he hasn't noboddy to guide him. In this werry
partickler case, becoz sumbody had bin and robbed 'em all of a
shilling a peace, they sets to work, and not only gobbles up all poor
Mrs. KING'S refreshments, but breaks all her glasses and things,
although she knowed more about it than the Emperor of CHINA, and that
coudn't ha' been werry much, and smashes down all the palings and
places, and then sets 'em on fire, altho' they belonged to a Gent who
was out of Town miles and miles away.
Well, I must say that, having in my werry long xperience seen lots of
crowds of all sorts and sizes, for a thorough blackguard set as
doesn't seem to have one single good quality, or, if they has, they
hides it so carefully that not no one can never find it, but who seems
to delight in orful langwidge and senseless mischief, commend me to a
sporting mob in the naybourhood of Lundon; and the less they are
allowed to congregate there, the better for all honest and decent
people.