B. Sipwell Lovepunch,
Printer.
and signalize its erection by keeping “open house” for all comers between
11 A.M. and midnight. The mothers and wives of all who become tight and
go home loose will long remember your public spirit.
6. Be at your office by nine in summer and ten in winter; and, following
Charles Lamb’s witticism, _that he who goes to work late should quit
early_, you need not return after dinner. Let your foreman attend to the
business: isn’t he paid for it?
7. When you do go into your office, curse and grumble promiscuously, and
be sure to swear at the apprentices, to show your spirit, and to let them
know that you are master. Be careful never to praise them or any of the
hands, or they may think they are worth higher wages.
8. Take work at any price that will keep it from a competitor, no matter
whether it pays or not. Perhaps you can save something by giving short
numbers, counting in imperfect copies, using very common ink, &c. The
style is of no consequence: you want to make money if you can, let others
improve the typographical art if they choose.
9. Cultivate the acquaintance of fancy folk, politicians, and wit-livers.
A fast horse or two wouldn’t be a bad thing to bind their friendship;
and, besides, you will never be at a loss for a companion in your rides.
10. If you want new type, and the founder who made your outfit won’t
sell to you unless you pay off the old score, transfer your patronage to
another foundry. How can you expect to get along if you pay your debts?
Such a course would compel you to sell your horse and to taboo rum-shops
and gay saloons, and to live economically; and this, you know, wouldn’t
do at all.
11. Get out a newspaper, and advocate the principles of the strongest
party, swearing thick and thin through every thing. You need not bother
yourself about writing original matter; crib wherever you can. There are
plenty of fellows who want office,—lawyers particularly,—and they will
write slang enough to fill your columns. You might quietly levy a little
black-mail or hush-money from neighbours guilty of indiscretions: dirty
money will buy as much as clean.
12. You needn’t marry, unless some fond rich girl should happen to fancy
a fool. You know, you need not trouble yourself much about her after you
have secured her money: let her father look after her welfare. If she
dies broken-hearted, why—she ought not to have been so sensitive.
13. You may be troubled occasionally by a qualm of conscience; but this
can be settled by a dram or two. After a few doses, conscience will go to
sleep, and trouble you no more, unless you should happen to see a Bible
or hear a sermon, which as a matter of course you will try to avoid. It
is true, wreck and ruin will be sure to overtake you, and the devil will
catch you at last; but why worry yourself before the time?
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