(_You must come on with a general suggestion in your manner that
you are supposed to be the proprietor of an itinerant Cat and Canary
Troupe. Begin with a slow and somewhat depressed shake of the head, as
if in answer to imaginary inquirer._)
No, we ain't performin' to-day, Sir, and the boys are all on the
gape
At seem' the mice in mournin', and the cats in chokers o' crape;
But I'm giving the Show a rest, d'ye see? for I didn't feel up to
the job,
(_Pause--then subdued_) For my leadin' comejian's left me, Sir--
(_Explanatory, perceiving you are not understood_)--the brindle
kinairy--(_more impatiently_) Bob!
What, ye don't remember? (_Surprise._) Not him as wore the toonic
o' Turkey red?
What rode in a gilded kerridge with a 'at an' plumes on his 'ed?
And, as soon as we'd taken a tanner, 'ud fire a saloot from the
gun? [_Excitedly._
There was Talent inside o' that bird, there was, or I never see it
in one!
(_Philosophic bitterness._) Well, he's soon forgot--but I've often
thought as a
_fish_ keeps longer than Fame!
(_Sudden comprehension and restored cordiality._) Oh, ye didn't
know him as _Bob_?... I see--no, that were his _private_
name.
I used to announce him in public on a more long-winded-er scale--
I christened him "Gineral Moultky," (_apologetically_) which he
_'ad_ rather gone at the tail;
And a bird more popilar never performed on a peripathetic stage,
He was allers sure of a round of applause as soon as he quitted
the cage!
For he thoroughly hentered into the part he was down for to play,
And he never got "fluffy" nor "queered the pitch,"--leastwise,
till the hother day.
I thought he'd bin hoverexertin' hisself, and 'ud better be out of
the bill,
But it wasn't till yesterday hevenin I'd any ideer he was _ill_!
Then I see he was rough on the top of his 'ed, and his tongue
looked dry at the tip,
And it dawned on me like a thunderbolt--"Great Evings!" I
groaned,--"THE PIP!" (_Pause here, to emphasise the
tremendous gravity of this discovery._)
Well, I _'ad_ bin trainin' a siskin to hunderstudy the part,
(_more ordinary tone for this_)
And I sent him on--(_tolerantly_)--which he done his best, but he
'adn't no notion o' _Hart_!
So I left the pitch as soon as I could, and (meanin' to make more
'aste)
I cut across one o' them buildin' sites as was left a runnin' to
waste.
There was yawning pits by the flinty road, as rendered the
prospeck dull,
And 'ere and there a winderless 'ouse, with the look of a grinning
skull,
(_Try to paint this scene visibly for the audience; background is
essential for what is to come._)
A storm had bin 'anging about all day (and it _broke_, you'll
remember, at last!)
So I 'urried on, it was gettin' late--and the Gineral sinking fast!
(_You are now approaching the harrowing part, but keep yourself in
reserve for the present._)
But all on a sudding I 'eard him give a kind of a feeble flap,
And I stops, and sez in a 'opeful way, "Why, you're up in yer
sterrups, old chap."
(_A bold metapher applied to a bird, but characteristic in the
speaker._)
(_Sink your voice._) Then I see by the look of his sorrowful eye
he was thinkin': "Afore I go,
I'd like to see one performance--for the last--of the dear old
Show!"
(_Note, and make your audience feel, the touch of Nature here._)
And I sez, with a ketch in my voice, "You _shall_!" and I whipped
the sheet off the board,
I stuck up the pair o' trestles, and fastened the tightrope cord;
Then I propped the Gineral up in a place from which he could see
the 'ole,
And I set the tabbies a-sparring, and the mice a-climbing the pole.
(_Build up the whole scene gradually; the dreary neighbourhood,
the total absence of bystanders, the lurid threatening sky, and
the humble entertainment proceeding in the foreground._)
I put my company through their tricks--and they made my hold eyes
dim,
For they never performed for no orjence like they did last night
for _him_!
Them tabbies sparred with a science you'd 'ardly expect from sich,
And the mouse (what usually boggles) fetched flags with never no
'itch!
Aye, we worked the Show in that lonely place to the sound o' the
mutterin' storm,
Right through till we come to the finish--the part _he_ used to
perform.
He was out of the cage in a minnit--egged on by puffessional pride,
He pecked that incompitent siskin till he made him stand o' one
side!
Well, I felt like 'aving a good cry _then_--but the time
'adn't come for that,
So I slipped his uniform over his 'ed, and tied on his little
cock-hat. [_With great tenderness._
And he set in his tiny kerridge, and was drored along by the mice,
A-looking that 'appy and pleased with hisself, I got 'em to do it
twice! [_Tone of affectionate retrospection._
The very tabbies they gazed on him then with their heyes dilatin'
in haw,
As he 'obbled along to the cannon, with the match in his wasted
claw!
I never 'eard that cannon afore give sech a tremenjious pop--
(_Solemnly._) And a peal o' thunder responded, as seemed all over
the shop!
For a second Bob stood in the lightning, so noble, and bold, and
big;--
Then ... a stagger ... a flutter ... a broken chirp--(_you can add
immensely to the effect here by a little appropriate action.
Pause,and give time for a solemn hush to fall upon the audience,
then, with a forced calm, as if you were doing violence to your
own feelings_)--he was orf, Sir,--(_a slight gulp_)--he'd 'opped
the twig!
(_Second Pause: then more briskly, but still with strong
emotion to the close_)
So now you've the hexplanation of the crape round the tabbies'
necks,
And kin understand why we close to-day "in token of our respecks."
* * * * *
The time has now come for _Mr. Punch_ to bid his pupils farewell,
which he does with a pleasure that he has some reason to hope will be
not unreciprocated. During the few months over which this course has
extended, he has made it his aim to furnish the young carpet-knight
for the fray as completely as possible, and, if the Amateur Reciter
be not (as some hold) already invulnerable, the panoply of pieces with
which he has been armed here should go far to render him so.
All _Mr. Punch_ would ask in return is that, when any one of his young
friends is retiring, flushed with triumph, amidst an intoxicating
murmur of faint applause and renewed conversation, after delivering
some composition of his Preceptor's, he will not suffer himself to be
completely dazzled by success, but will remember the means which have
contributed thereto with such gratitude as he may be able to command.
* * * * *
"DISCOVERIES AT POMPEII."--Under this heading we read in the _Times_
that four silver urns of fair size were found, also four smaller
vessels, eight open vases, four cups ornamented with leaves, &c.
"Urns" for hot water: "smaller vessels," tea-pots; "eight open vases,"
sugar-basins; "four cups," tea-cups, "ornamented with leaves,"--very
fanciful design, probably tea-leaves,--and there we have before us
"Five o'clock Tea, as known to the Ladies of Pompeii."
* * * * *