fears the worst."
"What worst, may I ask?"
"Smallpox," was the answer; "but you needn't be scared. I'm only in
the first stages now."
The visitor grabbed his hat, sprang from his chair, and without a word
bolted for the door.
"Don't be in a hurry," said the President placidly; "sit down and talk
awhile."
"Thank you, sir; I'll call again," shouted the Westerner, as he
disappeared through the opening in the wall.
"Now, that's the way with people," the President said, when relating
the story afterward. "When I can't give them what they want, they're
dissatisfied, and say harsh things about me; but when I've something
to give to everybody they scamper off."
=REMINDED HIM OF "A LITTLE STORY"=
When Lincoln's attention was called to the fact that, at one time in
his boyhood, he had spelled the name of the Deity with a small "g," he
replied:
"That reminds me of a little story. It came about that a lot of
Confederate mail was captured by the Union forces, and, while it
was not exactly the proper thing to do, some of our soldiers opened
several letters written by the Southerners at the front to their
people at home.
"In one of these missives the writer, in a postscript, jotted down
this assertion:
"'We'll lick the Yanks termorrer, if goddlemity (God Almighty) spares
our lives.'
"That fellow was in earnest, too, as the letter was written the day
before the second battle of Manassas."
=BIG ENOUGH HOG FOR HIM=
To a curiosity-seeker who desired a permit to pass the lines to visit
the field of Bull Run, after the first battle, Lincoln made the
following reply: "A man in Cortlandt county raised a porker of such
unusual size that strangers went out of their way to see it.
"One of them the other day met the old gentleman and inquired about
the animal.
"'Wall, yes,' the old fellow said, 'I've got such a critter, mi'ty big
un; but I guess I'll have to charge you about a shillin' for lookin'
at him.'
"The stranger looked at the old man for a minute or so, pulled out the
desired coin, handed it to him, and started to go off. 'Hold on,' said
the other, 'don't you want to see the hog?'
"'No,' said the stranger; 'I have seen as big a hog as I want to see!'
"And you will find that fact the case with yourself, if you should
happen to see a few live rebels there as well as dead ones."
=HOW "JAKE" GOT AWAY=
One of the last, if not the very last story told by President Lincoln,
was to one of his Cabinet who came to see him, to ask if it would be
proper to permit "Jake" Thompson to slip through Maine in disguise and
embark for Portland.
The President, as usual, was disposed to be merciful, and to permit
the arch-rebel to pass unmolested, but Secretary Stanton urged that he
should be arrested as a traitor.
"By permitting him to escape the penalties of treason," persisted the
War Secretary, "you sanction it." "Well," replied Mr. Lincoln, "let
me tell you a story. There was an Irish soldier here last summer,
who wanted something to drink stronger than water, and stopped at
a drug-shop, where he espied a soda-fountain. 'Mr. Doctor,' said
he, 'give me, plase, a glass of soda-wather, an' if yez can put in
a few drops of whiskey unbeknown to any one, I'll be obleeged.'
Now," continued Mr. Lincoln, "if 'Jake' Thompson is permitted to go
through Maine unbeknown to any one, what's the harm? So don't have him
arrested."
="ABE" RESENTED THE INSULT=
A cashiered officer, seeking to be restored through the power of the
executive, became insolent, because the President, who believed the
man guilty, would not accede to his repeated requests, at last said,
"Well, Mr. President, I see you are fully determined not to do me
justice!"
This was too aggravating even for Mr. Lincoln; rising, he suddenly
seized the disgraced officer by the coat collar, and marched him
forcibly to the door, saying as he ejected him into the passage:
"Sir, I give you fair warning never to show your face in this room
again. I can bear censure, but not insult. I never wish to see your
face again."
=STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS=
A gentleman, visiting a hospital at Washington, heard an occupant of
one of the beds laughing and talking about the President, who had been
there a short time before and gladdened the wounded with some of his
stories. The soldier seemed in such good spirits that the gentleman
inquired:
"You must be very slightly wounded?"
"Yes," replied the brave fellow, "very slightly--I have only lost one
leg, and I'd be glad enough to lose the other, if I could hear some
more of 'Old Abe's' stories."
="ALL SICKER'N YOUR MAN"=
A Commissioner to the Hawaiian Islands was to be appointed, and eight
applicants had filed their papers, when a delegation from the South
appeared at the White House on behalf of a ninth. Not only was their
man fit--so the delegation urged--but was also in bad health, and a
residence in that balmy climate would be of great benefit to him.
The President was rather impatient that day, and before the members of
the delegation had fairly started in, suddenly closed the interview
with this remark:
"Gentlemen, I am sorry to say that there are eight other applicants
for that place, and they are all 'sicker'n' your man."
="DID YE ASK MORRISSEY YET?"=
John Morrissey, the noted prize fighter, was the "Boss" of Tammany
Hall during the Civil War period. It pleased his fancy to go to
Congress, and his obedient constituents sent him there. Morrissey was
such an absolute despot that the New York City democracy could not
make a move without his consent, and many of the Tammanyites were so
afraid of him that they would not even enter into business ventures
without consulting the autocrat.
President Lincoln had been seriously annoyed by some of his generals,
who were afraid to make the slightest move before asking advice from
Washington. One commander, in particular, was so cautious that he
telegraphed the War Department upon the slightest pretext, the result
being that his troops were lying in camp doing nothing, when they
should have been in the field.
"This general reminds me," the President said one day, while talking
to Secretary Stanton, at the War Department, "of a story I once heard
about a Tammany man. He happened to meet a friend, also a member of
Tammany, on the street, and in the course of the talk the friend, who
was beaming with smiles and good nature, told the other Tammanyite
that he was going to be married.
"This first Tammany man looked more serious than men usually do upon
hearing of the impending happiness of a friend. In fact, his face
seemed to take on a look of anxiety and worry.
"'Ain't you glad to know that I'm to get married?' demanded the second
Tammanyite, somewhat in a huff.
"'Of course I am,' was the reply; 'but,' putting his mouth close to
the ear of the other, 'have ye asked Morrissey yet?'
"Now this general of whom we are speaking, wouldn't dare order out the
guard without asking Morrissey," concluded the President.
=LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT=
Lincoln was, naturally enough, much surprised one day, when a man of
rather forbidding countenance drew a revolver and thrust the weapon
into his face. In such circumstances "Abe" at once concluded that any
attempt at debate or argument was a waste of time and words.
"What seems to be the matter?" inquired Lincoln with all the calmness
and self-possession he could muster.
"Well," replied the stranger, who did not appear at all excited, "some
years ago I swore an oath that if I ever came across an uglier man
than myself I'd shoot him on the spot."
A feeling of relief evidently took possession of Lincoln at this
rejoinder, as the expression upon his countenance lost all suggestion
of anxiety.
"Shoot me," he said to the stranger; "for if I am an uglier man than
you I don't want to live."
=HE COULDN'T WAIT FOR THE COLONEL=
General Fisk, attending a reception at the White House, saw waiting in
the anteroom a poor old man from Tennessee, and learned that he had
been waiting three or four days to get an audience, on which probably
depended the life of his son, under sentence of death for some
military offense.
General Fisk wrote his case in outline on a card and sent it in, with
a special request that the President would see the man. In a moment
the order came; and past impatient senators, governors and generals,
the old man went.
He showed his papers to Mr. Lincoln, who said he would look into the
case and give him the result next day.
The old man, in an agony of apprehension, looked up into the
President's sympathetic face and actually cried out:
"Tomorrow may be too late! My son is under sentence of death. It ought
to be decided now!"
His streaming tears told how much he was moved.
"Come," said Mr. Lincoln, "wait a bit and I'll tell you a story;"
and then he told the old man General Fisk's story about the swearing
driver, as follows:
"The general had begun his military life as a colonel, and when he
raised his regiment in Missouri he proposed to his men that he should
do all the swearing of the regiment. They assented; and for months no
instance was known of the violation of the promise.
"The colonel had a teamster named John Todd, who, as roads were not
always the best, had some difficulty in commanding his temper and his
tongue.
"John happened to be driving a mule team through a series of mudholes
a little worse than usual, when, unable to restrain himself any
longer, he burst forth into a volley of energetic oaths.
"The colonel took notice of the offense and brought John to account.
"'John,' said he, 'didn't you promise to let me do all the swearing of
the regiment?'
"'Yes, I did, colonel,' he replied, 'but the fact was, the swearing
had to be done then or not at all, and you weren't there to do it.'"
As he told the story the old man forgot his boy, and both the
President and his listener had a hearty laugh together at its
conclusion.
Then he wrote a few words which the old man read, and in which he
found new occasion for tears; but the tears were tears of joy, for the
words saved the life of his son.
=HE LOVED A GOOD STORY=
Judge Breese, of the Supreme bench, one of the most distinguished
of American jurists, and a man of great personal dignity, was about
to open court at Springfield, when Lincoln called out in his hearty
way: "Hold on, Breese! Don't open court yet! Here's Bob Blackwell
just going to tell a story!" The Judge passed on without replying,
evidently regarding it as beneath the dignity of the Supreme Court to
delay proceedings for the sake of a story.
=THE DEAD MAN SPOKE=
Mr. Lincoln once said in a speech: "Fellow citizens, my friend, Mr.
Douglas, made the startling announcement today that the Whigs are all
dead.
"If that be so, fellow-citizens, you will now experience the novelty
of hearing a speech from a dead man; and I suppose you might properly
say, in the language of the old hymn:
"'Hark! from the tombs a doleful sound.'"
=LINCOLN PRONOUNCED THIS STORY FUNNY=
The President was heard to declare one day that the story given below
was one of the funniest he ever heard.
One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrott guns, supported by
a squadron of horse commanded by Major Richards, was in sharp conflict
with a battery of the enemy near at hand. Shells and shot were flying
thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a German, one of
Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to the cavalry, exclaiming, in loud
and excited terms, "Pring up de shackasses! Pring up de shackasses!
For Cot's sake, hurry up the shackasses, im-me-di-ate-ly!"
The necessity of this order, though not quite apparent, will be more
obvious when it is remembered that "shackasses" are mules, carry
mountain howitzers, which are fired from the back of that much-abused
but valuable animal; and the immediate occasion for the "shackasses"
was that two regiments of rebel infantry were at that moment
discovered ascending a hill immediately behind our batteries.
The "shackasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and canister,
were soon on the ground.
The mules squared themselves, as they well knew how, for the shock.
A terrific volley was poured into the advancing column, which
immediately broke and retreated.
Two hundred and seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine
next day, piled closely together as they fell, the effects of that
volley from the backs of the "shackasses."
="PLOUGH ALL 'ROUND HIM"=
Governor Blank went to the War Department one day in a towering rage:
"I suppose you found it necessary to make large concessions to him,
as he returned from you perfectly satisfied," suggested a friend.
"Oh, no," the President replied, "I did not concede anything. You have
heard how that Illinois farmer got rid of a big log that was too big
to haul out, too knotty to split, and too wet and soggy to burn.
"'Well, now,' said he, in response to the inquiries of his neighbors
one Sunday, as to how he got rid of it, 'well, now, boys, if you won't
divulge the secret, I'll tell you how I got rid of it--I ploughed
around it.'
"Now," remarked Lincoln, in conclusion, "don't tell anybody, but
that's the way I got rid of Governor Blank. I ploughed all round him,
but it took me three mortal hours to do it, and I was afraid every
minute he'd see what I was at."
="I'VE LOST MY APPLE"=
During a public "reception," a farmer from one of the border counties
of Virginia told the President that the Union soldiers, in passing his
farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, but to his horse, and
he hoped the President would urge the proper officer to consider his
claim immediately.
Mr. Lincoln said that this reminded him of an old acquaintance of his,
"Jack" Chase, a lumberman on the Illinois, a steady, sober man, and
the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick to take the logs
over the rapids; but he was skilful with a raft and always kept her
straight in her channel. Finally a steamer was put on, and "Jack" was
made captain of her. He always used to take the wheel, going through
the rapids. One day when the boat was plunging and wallowing along the
boiling current, and "Jack's" utmost vigilance was being exercised to
keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed
him with:
"Say, Mister Captain! I wish you would just stop your boat a
minute--I've lost my apple overboard!"
=LINCOLN'S APOLOGY TO GRANT=
"General Grant is a copious worker and fighter," President Lincoln
wrote to General Burnside in July, 1863, "but a meagre writer or
telegrapher."
Grant never wrote a report until the battle was over.
President Lincoln wrote a letter to Grant on July 13th, 1863, which
indicated the strength of the hold the successful fighter had upon the
man in the White House.
It ran as follows:
"I do not remember that you and I ever met personally.
"I write this now as a grateful acknowledgment for the almost
inestimable service you have done the country.
"I write to say a word further.
"When you first reached the vicinity of Vicksburg, I thought you
should do what you finally did--march the troops across the neck, run
the batteries with the transports, and thus go below; and I never had
any faith, except a general hope, that you knew better than I, that
the Yazoo Pass expedition, and the like, could succeed.
"When you got below and took Port Gibson, Grand Gulf and vicinity, I
thought you should go down the river and join General Banks; and when
you turned northward, east of Big Black, I feared it was a mistake.
"I now wish to make the personal acknowledgment that you were right
and I was wrong."
=A USELESS DOG=
When Hood's army had been scattered into fragments, President Lincoln,
elated by the defeat of what had so long been a menacing force on
the borders of Tennessee, was reminded by its collapse of the fate
of a savage dog belonging to one of his neighbors in the frontier
settlements in which he lived in his youth. "The dog," he said,
"was the terror of the neighborhood, and its owner, a churlish and
quarrelsome fellow, took pleasure in the brute's forcible attitude.
"Finally, all other means having failed to subdue the creature, a man
loaded a lump of meat with a charge of powder, to which was attached a
slow fuse; this was dropped where the dreaded dog would find it, and
the animal gulped down the tempting bait.
"There was a dull rumbling, a muffled explosion, and fragments of the
dog were seen flying in every direction. The grieved owner, picking up
the shattered remains of his cruel favorite, said: 'He was a good dog,
but as a dog, his days of usefulness are over.' Hood's army was a good
army," said Lincoln by way of comment, "and we were all afraid of it,
but as an army, its usefulness is gone."
=HE'D RUIN ALL THE OTHER CONVICTS=
One of the droll stories brought into play by the President as an
ally in support of his contention, proved most effective. Politics
was rife among the generals of the Union Army, and there was more
"wire-pulling" to prevent the advancement of fellow commanders than
the laying of plans to defeat the Confederates in battle.
However, when it so happened that the name of a particularly unpopular
general was sent to the Senate for confirmation, the protest against
his promotion was almost unanimous. The nomination didn't seem to
please anyone. Generals who were enemies before conferred together
for the purpose of bringing every possible influence to bear upon the
Senate and securing the rejection of the hated leader's name. The
President was surprised. He had never known such unanimity before.
"You remind me," said the President to a delegation of officers
which called upon him one day to present a fresh protest to him
regarding the nomination, "of a visit a certain Governor paid to the
Penitentiary of his State. It had been announced that the Governor
would hear the story of every inmate of the institution, and was
prepared to rectify, either by commutation or pardon, any wrongs that
had been done to any prisoner.
"One by one the convicts appeared before His Excellency, and each one
maintained that he was an innocent man, who had been sent to prison
because the police didn't like him, or his friends and relatives
wanted his property, or he was too popular, etc., etc. The last
prisoner to appear was an individual who was not at all prepossessing.
His face was against him; his eyes were shifty; he didn't have the
appearance of an honest man, and he didn't act like one.
"'Well,' asked the Governor, impatiently, 'I suppose you're innocent
like the rest of these fellows?'
"'No, Governor,' was the unexpected answer; 'I was guilty of the crime
they charged against me, and I got just what I deserved.'
"When he had recovered from his astonishment, the Governor, looking
the fellow squarely in the face, remarked with emphasis: 'I'll have
to pardon you, because I don't want to leave so bad a man as you are
in the company of such innocent sufferers as I have discovered your
fellow-convicts to be. You might corrupt them and teach them wicked
tricks. As soon as I get back to the capital, I'll have the papers
made out.'
"You gentlemen," continued the President, "ought to be glad that
so bad a man, as you represent this officer to be, is to get his
promotion, for then you won't be forced to associate with him and
suffer the contamination of his presence and influence. I will do all
I can to have the Senate confirm him."
And he was confirmed.
=IT WAS UP-HILL WORK=
Two young men called on the President from Springfield, Illinois.
Lincoln shook hands with them, and asked about the crops, the weather,
etc.
Finally one of the young men said, "Mother is not well, and she sent
me up to inquire of you how the suit about the Wells property is
getting on."
Lincoln, in the same even tone with which he had asked the question,
said: "Give my best wishes and respects to your mother, and tell her
I have so many outside matters to attend to now that I have put that
case, and others, in the hand of a lawyer friend of mine, and if you
will call on him (giving name and address) he will give you all the
information you want."
After they had gone, a friend who was present, said: "Mr. Lincoln, you
did not seem to know the young men?"
He laughed and replied: "No, I had never seen them before, and I had
to beat around the bush until I found who they were. It was up-hill
work, but I topped it at last."
=HIS "GLASS HACK"=
President Lincoln had not been in the White House very long before
Mrs. Lincoln became seized with the idea that a fine new barouche was
about the proper thing for "the first lady in the land." The President
did not care particularly about it one way or the other, and told his
wife to order whatever she wanted.
Lincoln forgot all about the new vehicle, and was overcome with
astonishment one afternoon when, having acceded to Mrs. Lincoln's
desire to go driving, he found a beautiful barouche standing in front
of the door of the White House.
His wife watched him with an amused smile, but the only remark he made
was, "Well, Mary, that's about the slickest 'glass hack' in town,
isn't it?"
=COULD LICK ANY MAN IN THE CROWD=
When the enemies of General Grant were bothering the President with
emphatic and repeated demands that the "Silent Man" be removed from
command, Mr. Lincoln remained firm. He would not consent to lose
the services of so valuable a soldier. "Grant fights," said he in
response to the charges made that Grant was a butcher, a drunkard, an
incompetent and a general who did not know his business.
"That reminds me of a story," President Lincoln said one day to a
delegation of the "Grant-is-no-good" style.
"Out in my State of Illinois there was a man nominated for sheriff of
the county. He was a good man for the office, brave, determined and
honest, but not much of an orator. In fact, he couldn't talk at all;
he couldn't make a speech to save his life.
"His friends knew he was a man who would preserve the peace of the
county and perform the duties devolving upon him all right, but the
people of the county didn't know it. They wanted him to come out
boldly on the platform at political meetings and state his convictions
and principles; they had been used to speeches from candidates, and
were somewhat suspicious of a man who was afraid to open his mouth.
"At last the candidate consented to make a speech, and his friends
were delighted. The candidate was on hand, and, when he was called
upon, advanced to the front and faced the crowd. There was a glitter
in his eye that wasn't pleasing, and the way he walked out to the
front of the stand showed that he knew just what he wanted to say.
"'Feller Citizens,' was his beginning, the words spoken quietly, 'I'm
not a speakin' man; I ain't no orator, an' I never stood up before
a lot of people in my life before; I'm not goin' to make no speech,
'xcept to say that I can lick any man in the crowd!'"
=NO DEATHS IN HIS HOUSE=
A gentleman was relating to the President how a friend of his had been
driven away from New Orleans as a Unionist, and how, on his expulsion,
when he asked to see the writ by which he was expelled, the deputation
which called on him told him the Government would do nothing illegal,
and so they had issued no illegal writs, and simply meant to make him
go of his own free will.
"Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "that reminds me of a hotel-keeper down at
St. Louis, who boasted that he never had a death in his hotel, for
whenever a guest was dying in his house, he carried him out to die in
the gutter."
=LINCOLN'S NAME FOR "WEEPING WATER"=
"I was speaking one time to Mr. Lincoln," said Governor Saunders, of
Nebraska, "of a little Nebraskan settlement on the Weeping Water, a
stream in our State."
"'Weeping Water!' said he.
"Then with a twinkle in his eye, he continued:
"'I suppose the Indians out there call it Minneboohoo, don't they?
They ought to, if Laughing Water is Minnehaha in their language.'"
=EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC=
An officer of low volunteer rank persisted in telling and re-telling
his troubles to the President on a summer afternoon when Lincoln was
tired and careworn.
After listening patiently, he finally turned upon the broad Potomac in
the distance, said in a peremptory tone that ended the interview:
"Now, my man, go away, go away. I cannot meddle in your case. I could
as easily bail out the Potomac River with a teaspoon as attend to all
the details of the army."
=A "FREE FOR ALL"=