"Abe" Lincoln's
Anecdotes and Stories
A COLLECTION OF THE BEST
STORIES TOLD BY LINCOLN
WHICH MADE HIM FAMOUS AS
AMERICA'S BEST STORY TELLER
Compiled by
R. D. WORDSWORTH
THE MUTUAL BOOK COMPANY
Publishers
BOSTON, MASS.
COMPILED, 1908,
FOR
THE MUTUAL BOOK COMPANY
"ABE" LINCOLN'S ANECDOTES AND STORIES
[Illustration]
=A FUN-LOVING AND HUMOR-LOVING MAN=
It was once said of Shakespeare that the great mind that conceived the
tragedies of "Hamlet," "Macbeth," etc., would have lost its reason if
it had not found vent in the sparkling humor of such comedies as "The
Merry Wives of Windsor" and "The Comedy of Errors."
The great strain on the mind of Abraham Lincoln produced by four years
of civil war might likewise have overcome his reason had it not found
vent in the yarns and stories he constantly told. No more fun-loving
or humor-loving man than Abraham Lincoln ever lived. He enjoyed a joke
even when it was on himself, and probably, while he got his greatest
enjoyment from telling stories, he had a keen appreciation of the
humor in those that were told him.
=MATRIMONIAL ADVICE=
For a while during the Civil War, General Fremont was without a
command. One day in discussing Fremont's case with George W. Julian,
President Lincoln said he did not know where to place him, and that
it reminded him of the old man who advised his son to take a wife, to
which the young man responded: "All right; whose wife shall I take?"
=A SLOW HORSE=
On one occasion when Mr. Lincoln was going to attend a political
convention one of his rivals, a liveryman, provided him with a slow
horse, hoping that he would not reach his destination in time. Mr.
Lincoln got there, however, and when he returned with the horse he
said: "You keep this horse for funerals, don't you?" "Oh, no," replied
the liveryman. "Well, I'm glad of that, for if you did you'd never get
a corpse to the grave in time for the resurrection."
=A VAIN GENERAL=
In an interview between President Lincoln and Petroleum V. Nasby, the
name came up of a recently deceased politician of Illinois whose merit
was blemished by great vanity. His funeral was very largely attended.
"If General ---- had known how big a funeral he would have had," said
Mr. Lincoln, "he would have died years ago."
=HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM--"BUT"--=
"General Blank asks for more men," said Secretary of War Stanton
to the President one day, showing the latter a telegram from the
commander named, appealing for re-enforcements.
"I guess he's killed off enough men, hasn't he?" queried the
President. "I don't mean Confederates--our own men. What's the use in
sending volunteers down to him if they're only used to fill graves?"
"His dispatch seems to imply that, in his opinion, you have not the
confidence in him he thinks he deserves," the War Secretary went on to
say, as he looked over the telegram again.
"Oh," was the President's reply, "he needn't lose any of his sleep on
that account. Just telegraph him to that effect; also, that I don't
propose to send him any more men."
=HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS=
Secretary of War Stanton told the President the following story, which
greatly amused the latter, as he was especially fond of a joke at the
expense of some high military or civil dignitary.
Stanton had little or no sense of humor.
When Secretary Stanton was making a trip up the Broad River in North
Carolina, in a tugboat, a Federal picket yelled out, "What have you
got on board of that tug?"
The severe and dignified answer was, "The Secretary of War and
Major-General Foster."
Instantly the picket roared back, "We've got major-generals enough up
here. Why don't you bring us up some hardtack?"
=DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN'S HAT=
When Mr. Lincoln delivered his first inaugural he was introduced by
his friend, United States Senator E. D. Baker, of Oregon. He carried a
cane and a little roll--the manuscript of his inaugural address. There
was a moment's pause after the introduction, as he vainly looked for a
spot where he might place his high silk hat.
Stephen A. Douglas, the political antagonist of his whole public life,
the man who had pressed him hardest in the campaign of 1860, was
seated just behind him. Douglas stepped forward quickly, and took the
hat which Mr. Lincoln held helplessly in his hand.
"If I can't be President," Douglas whispered smilingly to Mrs. Brown,
a cousin of Mrs. Lincoln and a member of the President's party, "I at
least can hold his hat."
=HIS PASSES TO RICHMOND NOT HONORED=
A man called upon the President and solicited a pass for Richmond.
"Well," said the President, "I would be very happy to oblige, if my
passes were respected; but the fact is, sir, I have, within the past
two years, given passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to
Richmond, and not one has got there yet."
The applicant quietly and respectfully withdrew on his tiptoes.
=LINCOLN AS A DANCER=
Lincoln made his first appearance in society when he was first sent
to Springfield, Ill., as a member of the State Legislature. It was
not an imposing figure which he cut in a ballroom, but still he was
occasionally to be found there. Miss Mary Todd, who afterward became
his wife, was the magnet which drew the tall, awkward young man from
his den. One evening Lincoln approached Miss Todd, and said, in his
peculiar idiom:
"Miss Todd, I should like to dance with you the worst way."
The young woman accepted the inevitable, and hobbled around the room
with him. When she returned to her seat, one of her companions asked
mischievously:
"Well, Mary, did he dance with you the worst way?"
"Yes," she answered, "the very worst."
=LOVED SOLDIERS' HUMOR=
Lincoln loved anything that savored of wit or humor among the
soldiers. He used to relate two stories to show, he said, that neither
death nor danger could quench the grim humor of the American soldier:
"A soldier of the Army of the Potomac was being carried to the rear of
battle with both legs shot off, who, seeing a pie-woman, called out,
'Say, old lady, are them pies sewed or pegged?'
"And there was another one of the soldiers at the battle of
Chancellorsville, whose regiment, waiting to be called into the fight,
was taking coffee. The hero of the story put to his lips a crockery
mug which he had carried with care through several campaigns. A stray
bullet, just missing the drinker's head, dashed the mug into fragments
and left only the handle on his finger. Turning his head in that
direction, he scowled, 'Johnny, you can't do that again!'"
=WANTED TO "BORROW" THE ARMY=
During one of the periods when things were at a standstill, the
Washington authorities, being unable to force General McClellan to
assume an aggressive attitude, President Lincoln went to the general's
headquarters to have a talk with him, but for some reason he was
unable to get an audience.
Mr. Lincoln returned to the White House much disturbed at his failure
to see the commander of the Union forces, and immediately sent for two
general officers, to have a consultation. On their arrival, he told
them he must have some one to talk to about the situation, and as he
had failed to see General McClellan, he wished their views as to the
possibility or probability of commencing active operations with the
Army of the Potomac.
"Something's got to be done," said the President, emphatically, "and
done right away, or the bottom will fall out of the whole thing. Now,
if McClellan doesn't want to use the army for a while, I'd like to
borrow it from him and see if I can't do something or other with it.
"If McClellan can't fish, he ought at least to be cutting bait at a
time like this."
="FIXED UP" A BIT FOR THE "CITY FOLKS"=
Mrs. Lincoln knew her husband was not "pretty," but she liked to have
him presentable when he appeared before the public. Stephen Fiske, in
"When Lincoln Was First Inaugurated," tells of Mrs. Lincoln's anxiety
to have the President-elect "smoothed down" a little when receiving a
delegation that was to greet them upon reaching New York City.
"The train stopped," writes Mr. Fiske, "and through the windows
immense crowds could be seen; the cheering drowning the blowing off of
steam of the locomotive. Then Mrs. Lincoln opened her handbag and said:
"'Abraham, I must fix you up a bit for these city folks.'
"Mr. Lincoln gently lifted her upon the seat before him; she parted,
combed and brushed his hair and arranged his black necktie.
"'Do I look nice now, mother?' he affectionately asked.
"'Well, you'll do, Abraham,' replied Mrs. Lincoln critically. So he
kissed her and lifted her down from the seat, and turned to meet Mayor
Wood, courtly and suave, and to have his hand shaken by the other New
York officials."
="FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES"=
"Several of us lawyers," remarked one of his colleagues, "in the
eastern end of the circuit, annoyed Lincoln once while he was holding
court for Davis by attempting to defend against a note to which there
were many makers. We had no legal, but a good moral defense, but what
we wanted most of all was to stave it off till the next term of court
by one expedient or another.
"We bothered 'the court' about it till late on Saturday, the day of
adjournment. He adjourned for supper with nothing left but this case
to dispose of. After supper he heard our twaddle for nearly an hour,
and then made this odd entry:
"'L. D. Chaddon vs. J. D. Beasley et al., April Term, 1856. Champaign
County Court. Plea in abatement by B. Z. Green, a defendant not
served, filed Saturday at 11 o'clock a.m., April 24, 1856, stricken
from the files by order of court. Demurrer to declaration, if there
ever was one, overruled. Defendants who are served now, at 8 o'clock
p.m., of the last day of the term, ask to plead to the merits, which
is denied by the court on the ground that the offer comes too late,
and therefore, as by nil dicet, judgment is rendered for Pl'ff. Clerk
assess damages. A. Lincoln, Judge pro tem.'
"The lawyer who reads this singular entry will appreciate its
oddity if no one else does. After making it, one of the lawyers, on
recovering from his astonishment, ventured to inquire: 'Well, Lincoln,
how can we get this case up again?'
"Lincoln eyed him quizzically for a moment, and then answered, 'You
have all been so mighty smart about this case, you can find out how to
take it up again yourselves.'"
=COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER=
"Old Pap," as the soldiers called General George H. Thomas, was
aggravatingly slow at a time when the President wanted him to "get a
move on"; in fact, the gallant "Rock of Chickamauga" was evidently
entered in a snail-race.
"Some of my generals are so slow," regretfully remarked Lincoln one
day, "that molasses in the coldest days of winter is a race horse
compared to them.
"They're brave enough, but somehow or other they get fastened in a
fence corner, and can't figure their way out."
="DON'T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST"=
Ward Lamon, Marshal of the District of Columbia during Lincoln's time
in Washington, was a powerful man; his strength was phenomenal, and a
blow from his fist was like unto that coming from the business end of
a sledge.
Lamon tells this story, the hero of which is not mentioned by name,
but in all probability his identity can be guessed:
"On one occasion, when the fears of the loyal element of the city
(Washington) were excited to fever-heat, a free fight near the old
National Theatre occurred about eleven o'clock one night. An officer,
in passing the place, observed what was going on, and seeing the great
number of persons engaged, he felt it to be his duty to command the
peace.
"The imperative tone of his voice stopped the fighting for a moment,
but the leader, a great bully, roughly pushed back the officer and
told him to go away or he would whip him. The officer again advanced
and said, 'I arrest you,' attempting to place his hand on the man's
shoulder, when the bully struck a fearful blow at the officer's face.
"This was parried, and instantly followed by a blow from the fist
of the officer, striking the fellow under the chin and knocking him
senseless. Blood issued from his mouth, nose and ears. It was believed
that the man's neck was broken. A surgeon was called, who pronounced
the case a critical one, and the wounded man was hurried away on a
litter to the hospital.
"There the physicians said there was concussion of the brain, and
that the man would die. All the medical skill the officer could
procure was employed in the hope of saving the life of the man. His
conscience smote him for having, as he believed, taken the life of a
fellow-creature, and he was inconsolable.
"Being on terms of intimacy with the President, about two o'clock
that night the officer went to the White House, woke up Mr. Lincoln,
and requested him to come into his office, where he told him his
story. Mr. Lincoln listened with great interest until the narrative
was completed, and then asked a few questions, after which he remarked:
"'I am sorry you had to kill the man, but these are times of war, and
a great many men deserve killing. This one, according to your story,
is one of them; so give yourself no uneasiness about the matter. I
will stand by you.'
"'That is not why I came to you. I knew I did my duty, and had no
fears of your disapproval of what I did,' replied the officer; and
then he added: 'Why I came to you was, I felt great grief over the
unfortunate affair, and I wanted to talk to you about it.'
"Mr. Lincoln then said, with a smile, placing his hand on the
officer's shoulder: 'You go home now and get some sleep; but let me
give you this piece of advice--hereafter, when you have occasion to
strike a man, don't hit him with your fist; strike him with a club, a
crowbar, or with something that won't kill him.'"
="AND--HERE I AM!"=
An old acquaintance of the President visited him in Washington.
Lincoln desired to give him a place. Thus encouraged, the visitor,
who was an honest man, but wholly inexperienced in public affairs or
business, asked for a high office, Superintendent of the Mint.
The President was aghast, and said: "Good gracious! Why didn't he ask
to be the Secretary of the Treasury, and have done with it?"
Afterward, he said: "Well, now, I never thought Mr. ---- had anything
more than average ability, when we were young men together. But, then,
I suppose he thought the same thing about me, and--here I am!"
=PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE=
When Mr. Lincoln was a candidate for the Legislature, it was the
practice at that date in Illinois for two rival candidates to travel
over the district together. The custom led to much good-natured
raillery between them; and in such contests Lincoln was rarely, if
ever, worsted. He could even turn the generosity of a rival to account
by his whimsical treatment.
On one occasion, says Mr. Weir, a former resident of Sangamon county,
he had driven out from Springfield in company with a political
opponent to engage in joint debate. The carriage, it seems, belonged
to his opponent. In addressing the gathering of farmers that met them,
Lincoln was lavish in praise of the generosity of his friend.
"I am too poor to own a carriage," he said, "but my friend has
generously invited me to ride with him. I want you to vote for me if
you will; but if not, then vote for my opponent, for he is a fine man."
His extravagant and persistent praise of his opponent appealed to the
sense of humor in his rural audience, to whom his inability to own a
carriage was by no means a disqualification.
=HAD TO WAIT FOR HIM=
President Lincoln, having arranged to go to New York, was late for
his train, much to the disgust of those who were to accompany him,
and all were compelled to wait several hours until the next train
steamed out of the station. President Lincoln was much amused at the
dissatisfaction displayed, and then ventured the remark that the
situation reminded him of "a little story." Said he:
"Out in Illinois, a convict who had murdered his cellmate was
sentenced to be hanged. On the day set for the execution, crowds lined
the roads leading to the spot where the scaffold had been erected,
and there was much jostling and excitement. The condemned man took
matters coolly, and as one batch of perspiring, anxious men rushed
past the cart in which he was riding, he called out, 'Don't be in a
hurry, boys. You've got plenty of time. There won't be any fun until I
get there.'
"That's the condition of things now," concluded the President; "there
won't be any fun at New York until I get there."
=MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY=
From the day of his nomination by the Chicago convention, gifts poured
in upon Lincoln. Many of these came in the form of wearing apparel.
Mr. George Lincoln, of Brooklyn, who brought to Springfield, in
January, 1861, a handsome silk hat to the President-elect, the gift of
a New York hatter, told some friends that in receiving the hat Lincoln
laughed heartily over the gifts of clothing, and remarked to Mrs.
Lincoln: "Well, wife, if nothing else comes out of this scrape, we are
going to have some new clothes, are we not?"
=SORRY FOR THE HORSES=
When President Lincoln heard of the Confederate raid at Fairfax,
in which a brigadier-general and a number of valuable horses were
captured, he gravely observed:
"Well, I am sorry for the horses."
"Sorry for the horses, Mr. President!" exclaimed the Secretary of
War, raising his spectacles and throwing himself back in his chair in
astonishment.
"Yes," replied Mr. Lincoln, "I can make a brigadier-general in five
minutes, but it is not easy to replace a hundred and ten horses."
=NOISE LIKE A TURNIP=
"Every man has his own peculiar and particular way of getting at
and doing things," said President Lincoln one day, "and he is often
criticised because that way is not the one adopted by others. The
great idea is to accomplish what you set out to do. When a man is
successful in whatever he attempts, he has many imitators, and the
methods used are not so closely scrutinized, although no man who is of
good intent will resort to mean, underhanded, scurvy tricks.
"That reminds me of a fellow out in Illinois, who had better luck in
getting prairie chickens than any one in the neighborhood. He had a
rusty old gun no other man dared to handle; he never seemed to exert
himself, being listless and indifferent when out after game, but
he always brought home all the chickens he could carry, while some
of the others, with their finely trained dogs and latest improved
fowling-pieces, came home alone.
"'How is it, Jake?' inquired one sportsman, who, although a good shot,
and knew something about hunting, was often unfortunate, 'that you
never come home without a lot of birds?'
"Jake grinned, half closed his eyes, and replied: 'Oh, I don't know
that there's anything queer about it. I jes' go ahead an' git 'em.'
"'Yes, I know you do; but how do you do it?'
"'You'll tell.'
"'Honest, Jake, I won't say a word. Hope to drop dead this minute.'
"'Never say nothing, if I tell you?'
"'Cross my heart three times.'
"This reassured Jake, who put his mouth close to the ear of his eager
questioner, and said, in a whisper:
"'All you got to do is jes' to hide in a fence corner an' make a noise
like a turnip. That'll bring the chickens every time.'"
=LET SIX SKUNKS GO=
The President had decided to select a new War Minister, and the
leading Republican Senators thought the occasion was opportune to
change the whole seven Cabinet ministers. They, therefore, earnestly
advised him to make a clean sweep, and select seven new men, and so
restore the waning confidence of the country.
The President listened with patient courtesy, and when the Senators
had concluded, he said, with a characteristic gleam of humor in his
eye:
"Gentlemen, your request for a change of the whole Cabinet because I
have made one change reminds me of a story I once heard in Illinois,
of a farmer who was much troubled by skunks. His wife insisted on his
trying to get rid of them.
"He loaded his shotgun one moonlight night and awaited developments.
After some time the wife heard the shotgun go off, and in a few
minutes the farmer entered the house.
"'What luck have you?' asked she.
"'I hid myself behind the wood-pile,' said the old man, 'with the
shotgun pointed towards the hen roost, and before long there appeared
not one skunk, but seven. I took aim, blazed away, killed one, and he
raised such a fearful smell that I concluded it was best to let the
other six go.'"
The Senators laughed and retired.
=ONE THING "ABE" DIDN'T LOVE=
Lincoln admitted that he was not particularly energetic when it came
to real hard work.
"My father," said he one day, "taught me how to work, but not to love
it. I never did like to work, and I don't deny it. I'd rather read,
tell stories, crack jokes, talk, laugh--anything but work."
=THE MAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR=
Judge Kelly, of Pennsylvania, who was one of the committee to advise
Lincoln of his nomination, and who was himself a great many feet high,
had been eyeing Lincoln's lofty form with a mixture of admiration and
possibly jealousy.
This had not escaped Lincoln, and as he shook hands with the judge he
inquired, "What is your height?"
"Six feet three. What is yours, Mr. Lincoln?"
"Six feet four."
"Then," said the judge, "Pennsylvania bows to Illinois. My dear man,
for years my heart has been aching for a President that I could look
up to, and I've at last found him."
=WANTED STANTON SPANKED=
Old Dennis Hanks was sent to Washington at one time by persons
interested in securing the release from jail of several men accused of
being copperheads. It was thought Old Dennis might have some influence
with the President.
The latter heard Dennis' story and then said: "I will send for Mr.
Stanton. It is his business."
Secretary Stanton came into the room, stormed up and down, and said
the men ought to be punished more than they were. Mr. Lincoln sat
quietly in his chair and waited for the tempest to subside, and then
quietly said to Stanton he would like to have the papers next day.
When he had gone, Dennis said:
"'Abe,' if I was as big and as ugly as you are, I would take him over
my knee and spank him."
The President replied: "No, Stanton is an able and valuable man for
this Nation, and I am glad to bear his anger for the service he can
give the Nation."
=SIX FEET FOUR AT SEVENTEEN=
"Abe's" school teacher, Crawford, endeavored to teach his pupils some
of the manners of the "polite society" of Indiana--1823 or so. This
was a part of his system:
One of the pupils would retire, and then come in as a stranger, and
another pupil would have to introduce him to all the members of the
school in what was considered "good manners."
As "Abe" wore a linsey-woolsey shirt, buckskin breeches which were
too short and very tight, and low shoes, and was tall and awkward, he
no doubt created considerable merriment when his turn came. He was
growing at a fearful rate; he was fifteen years of age, and two years
later attained his full height of six feet four inches.
=JUST LIKE SEWARD=
The first corps of the army commanded by General Reynolds was once
reviewed by the President on a beautiful plain at the north of Potomac
Creek, about eight miles from Hooker's headquarters. The party rode
thither in an ambulance over a rough corduroy road, and as they passed
over some of the more difficult portions of the jolting way the
ambulance driver, who sat well in front, occasionally let fly a volley
of suppressed oaths at his wild team of six mules.
Finally, Mr. Lincoln, leaning forward, touched the man on the shoulder
and said:
"Excuse me, my friend, are you an Episcopalian?"
The man, greatly startled, looked around and replied:
"No, Mr. President; I am a Methodist."
"Well," said Lincoln, "I thought you must be an Episcopalian, because
you swear just like Governor Seward, who is a church warden."
="ABE" GOT THE WORST OF IT=
When Lincoln was a young lawyer in Illinois, he and a certain judge
once got to bantering one another about trading horses; and it was
agreed that the next morning at nine o'clock they should make a trade,
the horses to be unseen up to that hour, and no backing out, under a
forfeiture of $25. At the hour appointed, the Judge came up, leading
the sorriest-looking specimen of a horse ever seen in those parts. In
a few minutes Mr. Lincoln was seen approaching with a wooden saw-horse
upon his shoulders.
Great were the shouts and laughter of the crowd, and both were greatly
increased when Lincoln, on surveying the Judge's animal, set down his
saw-horse and exclaimed:
"Well, Judge, this is the first time I ever got the worst of it in a
horse trade."
=HE "SET 'EM UP"=
Immediately after Mr. Lincoln's nomination for President at the
Chicago convention, a Committee, of which Governor Morgan, of New
York, was chairman, visited him in Springfield, Ill., where he was
officially informed of his nomination.
After this ceremony had passed, Mr. Lincoln remarked to the company
that as a fit ending to an interview so important and interesting
as that which had just taken place, he supposed good manners would
require that he should treat the committee with something to drink;
and opening the door that led into the rear, he called out, "Mary!
Mary!" A girl responded to the call, to whom Mr. Lincoln spoke a few
words in an undertone, and, closing the door, returned again and
talked with his guests. In a few minutes the maid entered, bearing a
large waiter, containing several glass tumblers, and a large pitcher,
and placed them upon the center-table. Mr. Lincoln arose, and gravely
addressing the company, said: "Gentlemen, we must pledge our mutual
health in the most healthy beverage that God has given to man--it is
the only beverage I have ever used or allowed my family to use, and I
cannot conscientiously depart from it on the present occasion. It is
pure Adam's ale from the spring." And, taking the tumbler, he touched
it to his lips, and pledged them his highest respects in a cup of cold
water. Of course, all his guests admired his consistency, and joined
in his example.
=GOD WITH A LITTLE "g"=
Abraham Lincoln
his hand and pen
he will be good
but god Knows When
These lines were found written in young Lincoln's own hand at the
bottom of a page whereon he had been ciphering. Lincoln always wrote
a clear, regular "fist." In this instance he evidently did not
appreciate the sacredness of the name of the Deity, when he used a
little "g."
Lincoln once said he did not remember the time when he could not write.
=WHAT AILED THE BOYS=
Mr. Roland Diller, who was one of Mr. Lincoln's neighbors in
Springfield, tells the following:
"I was called to the door one day by the cries of children in the
street, and there was Mr. Lincoln, striding by with two of his boys,
both of whom were wailing aloud. 'Why, Mr. Lincoln, what's the matter
with the boys?' I asked.
"'Just what's the matter with the whole world,' Lincoln replied. 'I've
got three walnuts, and each wants two.'"
="MAJOR-GENERAL, I RECKON"=
At one time the President had the appointment of a large additional
number of brigadier and major-generals. Among the immense number
of applications, Mr. Lincoln came upon one wherein the claims of a
certain worthy (not in the service at all) "for a generalship" were
glowingly set forth. But the applicant didn't specify whether he
wanted to be brigadier or major-general.
The President observed this difficulty, and solved it by a lucid
indorsement. The clerk, on receiving the paper again, found written
across its back, "Major-General, I reckon. A. Lincoln."
=IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN=
Lincoln had been in the telegraph office at Springfield during the
casting of the first and second ballots in the Republican National
Convention at Chicago, and then left and went over to the office of
the State Journal, where he was sitting conversing with friends while
the third ballot was being taken.
In a few moments came across the wires the announcement of the result.
The superintendent of the telegraph company wrote on a scrap of paper:
"Mr. Lincoln, you are nominated on the third ballot," and a boy ran
with the message to Lincoln.
He looked at it in silence, amid the shouts of those around him; then
rising and putting it in his pocket, he said quietly: "There's a
little woman down at our house would like to hear this; I'll go down
and tell her."
=HE'D SEE IT AGAIN=
About two years before Lincoln was nominated for the Presidency he
went to Bloomington, Illinois, to try a case of some importance. His
opponent--who afterward reached a high place in his profession--was a
young man of ability, sensible but sensitive, and one to whom the loss
of a case was a great blow. He therefore studied hard and made much
preparation.
This particular case was submitted to the jury late at night, and,
although anticipating a favorable verdict, the young attorney spent
a sleepless night in anxiety. Early next morning he learned, to his
great chagrin, that he had lost the case.
Lincoln met him at the court-house some time after the jury had come
in, and asked him what had become of his case.
With lugubrious countenance and in a melancholy tone the young man
replied, "It's gone to hell."
"Oh, well," replied Lincoln, "then you will see it again."
=SURE CURE FOR BOILS=
President Lincoln and Postmaster-General Blair were talking of the
war. "Blair," said the President, "did you ever know that fright has
sometimes proven a cure for boils?" "No, Mr. President, how is that?"
"I'll tell you. Not long ago when a colonel, with his cavalry, was
at the front, and the Rebs were making things rather lively for us,
the colonel was ordered out to a reconnoissance. He was troubled at
the time with a big boil where it made horseback riding decidedly
uncomfortable. He finally dismounted and ordered the troops forward
without him. Soon he was startled by the rapid reports of pistols and
the helter-skelter approach of his troops in full retreat before a
yelling rebel force. He forgot everything but the yells, sprang into
his saddle, and made capital time over the fences and ditches till
safe within the lines. The pain from his boil was gone, and the boil
too, and the colonel swore that there was no cure for boils so sure as
fright from rebel yells."
=JUSTICE vs. NUMBERS=
Lincoln was constantly bothered by members of delegations of
"goody-goodies," who knew all about running the War, but had no
inside information as to what was going on. Yet they poured out their
advice in streams, until the President was heartily sick of the whole
business, and wished the War would find some way to kill off these
nuisances.
"How many men have the Confederates now in the field?" asked one of
these bores one day.
"About one million two hundred thousand," replied the President.
"Oh, my! Not so many as that, surely, Mr. Lincoln."
"They have fully twelve hundred thousand, no doubt of it. You see,
all of our generals when they get whipped say the enemy outnumbers
them from three or five to one, and I must believe them. We have
four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four make
twelve,--don't you see it? It is as plain to be seen as the nose on
a man's face; and at the rate things are now going, with the great
amount of speculation and the small crop of fighting, it will take a
long time to overcome twelve hundred thousand rebels in arms.
"If they can get subsistence they have everything else, except a just
cause. Yet it is said that 'thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel
just.' I am willing, however, to risk our advantage of thrice in
justice against their thrice in numbers."
=LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT=
Mr. Lovejoy, heading a committee of Western men, discussed an
important scheme with the President, and the gentlemen were then
directed to explain it to Secretary of War Stanton.
Upon presenting themselves to the Secretary, and showing the
President's order, the Secretary said: "Did Lincoln give you an order
of that kind?"
"He did, sir."
"Then he is a d--d fool," said the angry Secretary.
"Do you mean to say that the President is a d--d fool?" asked Lovejoy
in amazement.
"Yes, sir, if he gave you such an order as that."
The bewildered Illinoisan betook himself at once to the President and
related the result of the conference.
"Did Stanton say I was a d--d fool?" asked Lincoln at the close of the
recital.
"He did, sir, and repeated it."
After a moment's pause, and looking up, the President said: "If
Stanton said I was a d--d fool, then I must be one, for he is nearly
always right, and generally says what he means. I will slip over and
see him."
=SLEEP STANDING UP=
McClellan was a thorn in Lincoln's side--"always up in the air," as
the President put it--and yet he hesitated to remove him. "The Young
Napoleon" was a good organizer, but no fighter. Lincoln sent him
everything necessary in the way of men, ammunition, artillery and
equipments, but he was forever unready.
Instead of making a forward movement at the time expected, he would
notify the President that he must have more men. These were given him
as rapidly as possible, and then would come a demand for more horses,
more this and that, usually winding up with a demand for still "more
men."
Lincoln bore it all in patience for a long time, but one day, when he
had received another request for more men, he made a vigorous protest.
"If I gave McClellan all the men he asks for," said the President,
"they couldn't find room to lie down. They'd have to sleep standing
up."
="ABE'S" LITTLE JOKE=
When General W. T. Sherman, November 12th, 1864, severed all
communication with the North and started for Savannah with his
magnificent army of sixty thousand men, there was much anxiety for
a month as to his whereabouts. President Lincoln, in response to an
inquiry, said: "I know what hole Sherman went in at, but I don't know
what hole he'll come out at."
Colonel McClure had been in consultation with the President one day,
about two weeks after Sherman's disappearance, and in this connection
related this incident:
"I was leaving the room, and just as I reached the door the President
turned around, and, with a merry twinkling of the eye, inquired,
'McClure, wouldn't you like to hear something from Sherman?'
"The inquiry electrified me at the instant, as it seemed to imply that
Lincoln had some information on the subject. I immediately answered,
'Yes, most of all, I should like to hear from Sherman.'
"To this President Lincoln answered, with a hearty laugh: 'Well, I'll
be hanged if I wouldn't myself.'"
=HOW "FIGHTING JOE" WAS APPOINTED=
General "Joe" Hooker, the fourth commander of the noble but
unfortunate Army of the Potomac, was appointed to that position by
President Lincoln in January, 1863. General Scott, for some reason,
disliked Hooker and would not appoint him. Hooker, after some months
of discouraging waiting, decided to return to California, and called
to pay his respects to President Lincoln. He was introduced as Captain
Hooker, and to the surprise of the President began the following
speech:
"Mr. President, my friend makes a mistake. I am not Captain Hooker,
but was once Lieutenant-Colonel Hooker of the regular army. I was
lately a farmer in California, but since the Rebellion broke out I
have been trying to get into service, but I find I am not wanted.
"I am about to return home; but before going, I was anxious to pay my
respects to you, and express my wishes for your personal welfare and
success in quelling this Rebellion. And I want to say to you a word
more.
"I was at Bull Run the other day, Mr. President, and it is no vanity
in me to say, I am a darned sight better general than you had on the
field."
This was said, not in the tone of a braggart, but of a man who knew
what he was talking about. Hooker did not return to California, but in
a few weeks Captain Hooker received from the President a commission as
Brigadier-General Hooker.
=NO OTHERS LIKE THEM=
One day an old lady from the country called on President Lincoln,
her tanned face peering up to his through a pair of spectacles. Her
errand was to present Mr. Lincoln a pair of stockings of her own make
a yard long. Kind tears came to his eyes as she spoke to him, and
then, holding the stockings one in each hand, dangling wide apart
for general inspection, he assured her that he should take them with
him to Washington, where (and here his eyes twinkled) he was sure he
should not be able to find any like them.
Quite a number of well-known men were in the room with the President
when the old lady made her presentation. Among them was George S.
Boutwell, who afterwards became Secretary of the Treasury.
The amusement of the company was not at all diminished by Mr.
Boutwell's remark, that the lady had evidently made a very correct
estimate of Mr. Lincoln's latitude and longitude.
=THE DANDY AND THE BOYS=
President Lincoln appointed as consul to a South American country a
young man from Ohio who was a dandy. A wag met the new appointee on
his way to the White House to thank the President. He was dressed in
the most extravagant style. The wag horrified him by telling him that
the country to which he was assigned was noted chiefly for the bugs
that abounded there and made life unbearable.
"They'll bore a hole clean through you before a week has passed,"
was the comforting assurance of the wag as they parted at the White
House steps. The new consul approached Lincoln with disappointment
clearly written all over his face. Instead of joyously thanking the
President, he told him the wag's story of the bugs. "I am informed,
Mr. President," he said, "that the place is full of vermin and that
they could eat me up in a week's time." "Well, young man," replied
Lincoln, "if that's true, all I've got to say is that if such a thing
happened they would leave a mighty good suit of clothes behind."
=BOAT HAD TO STOP=
Lincoln never failed to take part in all political campaigns in
Illinois, as his reputation as a speaker caused his services to be in
great demand. As was natural, he was often the target at which many of
the "Smart Alecks" of that period shot their feeble bolts, but Lincoln
was so ready with his answers that few of them cared to engage him a
second time.
In one campaign Lincoln was frequently annoyed by a young man who
entertained the idea that he was a born orator. He had a loud voice,
was full of language, and so conceited that he could not understand
why the people did not recognize and appreciate his abilities.
This callow politician delighted in interrupting public speakers, and
at last Lincoln determined to squelch him. One night while addressing
a large meeting at Springfield, the fellow became so offensive that
"Abe" dropped the threads of his speech and turned his attention to
the tormentor.
"I don't object," said Lincoln, "to being interrupted with sensible
questions, but I must say that my boisterous friend does not always
make inquiries which properly come under that head. He says he
is afflicted with headaches, at which I don't wonder, as it is a
well-known fact that nature abhors a vacuum, and takes her own way of
demonstrating it.
"This noisy friend reminds me of a certain steamboat that used to run
on the Illinois River. It was an energetic boat, was always busy. When
they built it, however, they made one serious mistake, this error
being in the relative sizes of the boiler and the whistle. The latter
was usually busy too, and people were aware that it was in existence.
"This particular boiler to which I have reference was a six-foot
one, and did all that was required of it in the way of pushing the
boat along; but as the builders of the vessel had made the whistle a
six-foot one, the consequence was that every time the whistle blew the
boat had to stop."
=RAN AWAY WHEN VICTORIOUS=
Three or four days after the battle of Bull Run, some gentlemen who
had been on the field called upon the President.
He inquired very minutely regarding all the circumstances of the
affair, and, after listening with the utmost attention, said, with a
touch of humor:
"So it is your notion that we whipped the rebels and then ran away
from them!"
=HE "SKEWED" THE LINE=
When a surveyor, Mr. Lincoln first platted the town of Petersburg,
Ill. Some twenty or thirty years afterward the property-owners along
one of the outlying streets had trouble in fixing their boundaries.
They consulted the official plat and got no relief. A committee was
sent to Springfield to consult the distinguished surveyor, but he
failed to recall anything that would give them aid, and could only
refer them to the record. The dispute therefore went into the courts.
While the trial was pending, an old Irishman named McGuire, who had
worked for some farmer during the summer, returned to town for the
winter. The case being mentioned in his presence, he promptly said: "I
can tell you all about it. I helped carry the chain when Abe Lincoln
laid out this town. Over there where they are quarreling about the
lines, when he was locating the street, he straightened up from his
instrument and said: 'If I run that street right through, it will cut
three or four feet off the end of ----'s house. It's all he's got
in the world and he could never get another. I reckon it won't hurt
anything out here if I skew the line a little and miss him.'"
The line was "skewed," and hence the trouble, and more testimony
furnished as to Lincoln's abounding kindness of heart, that would not
willingly harm any human being.
="HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS PLACE?"=
"It seems to me," remarked the President one day while reading over
some of the appealing telegrams sent to the War Department by General
McClellan, "that McClellan has been wandering around and has sort of
got lost. He's been hollering for help ever since he went South--wants
somebody to come to his deliverance and get him out of the place he's
got into.
"He reminds me of the story of a man out in Illinois who, in company
with a number of friends, visited the State penitentiary. They
wandered all through the institution and saw everything, but just
about the time to depart this particular man became separated from his
friends and couldn't find his way out.
"He roamed up and down one corridor after another, becoming more
desperate all the time, when, at last, he came across a convict who
was looking out from between the bars of his cell-door. Here was
salvation at last. Hurrying up to the prisoner he hastily asked:
"'Say! How do you get out of this place?'"
=HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE=
Ward Lamon told this story of President Lincoln, whom he found one day
in a particularly gloomy frame of mind. Lamon said:
"The President remarked, as I came in, 'I fear I have made Senator
Wade, of Ohio, my enemy for life.'
"'How?' I asked.
"'Well,' continued the President, 'Wade was here just now urging me
to dismiss Grant, and, in response to something he said, I remarked,
"Senator, that reminds me of a story."'
"'What did Wade say,' I inquired of the President.
"'He said, in a petulant way,' the President responded, '"It is with
you, sir, all story, story! You are the father of every military
blunder that has been made during the war. You are on your road to
hell, sir, with this government, by your obstinacy, and you are not a
mile off this minute."'
"'What did you say then?'
"'I good-naturedly said to him,' the President replied, '"Senator,
that is just about from here to the Capitol, is it not?" He was very
angry, grabbed up his hat and cane, and went away.'"
='TWAS "MOVING DAY"=
Speed, who was a prosperous young merchant of Springfield, reports
that Lincoln's personal effects consisted of a pair of saddle-bags,
containing two or three lawbooks, and a few pieces of clothing. Riding
on a borrowed horse, he thus made his appearance in Springfield. When
he discovered that a single bedstead would cost seventeen dollars he
said, "It is probably cheap enough, but I have not enough money to pay
for it." When Speed offered to trust him, he said: "If I fail here as
a lawyer, I will probably never pay you at all." Then Speed offered to
share a large double bed with him.
"Where is your room?" Lincoln asked.
"Upstairs," said Speed, pointing from the store leading to his room.
Without saying a word, he took his saddle-bags on his arm, went
upstairs, set them down on the floor, came down again, and with a face
beaming with pleasure and smiles, exclaimed: "Well, Speed, I'm moved."
="ABE'S" HAIR NEEDED COMBING=
"By the way," remarked President Lincoln one day to Colonel Cannon,
a close personal friend, "I can tell you a good story about my hair.
When I was nominated at Chicago, an enterprising fellow thought that
a great many people would like to see how 'Abe' Lincoln looked, and,
as I had not long before sat for a photograph, the fellow, having seen
it, rushed over and bought the negative.
"He at once got no end of wood-cuts, and so active was their
circulation that they were soon selling in all parts of the country.
"Soon after they reached Springfield, I heard a boy crying them for
sale on the streets. 'Here's your likeness of "Abe" Lincoln!' he
shouted. 'Buy one; price only two shillings! Will look a great deal
better when he gets his hair combed!'"
=RIGHT FOR ONCE, ANYHOW=
Where men bred in courts, accustomed to the world, or versed in
diplomacy, would use some subterfuge, or would make a polite
speech, or give a shrug of the shoulders, as the means of getting
out of an embarrassing position, Lincoln raised a laugh by some
bold west-country anecdote, and moved off in the cloud of merriment
produced by the joke. When Attorney-General Bates was remonstrating
apparently against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a
place of judicial importance, the President interposed with: "Come
now, Bates, he's not half as bad as you think. Besides that, I must
tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law I was
going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road
before me, and I had no horse.
"The Judge overtook me in his carriage.
"'Hallo, Lincoln! are you not going to the court-house? Come in and I
will give you a seat!'
"Well, I got in, and the Judge went on reading his papers. Presently
the carriage struck a stump on one side of the road, then it hopped
off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from
side to side in his seat, so I says:
"'Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little too much this
morning.'
"'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if
you were right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since
starting.'
"So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, you
infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!'
"Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning around with great
gravity, the coachman said:
"'Begorra! that's the first rightful decision that you have given for
the last twelvemonth.'"
While the company were laughing, the President beat a quiet retreat
from the neighborhood.
="SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE"=
On one occasion, in going to meet an appointment in the southern part
of the Sucker State--that section of Illinois called Egypt--Lincoln,
with other friends, was traveling in the "caboose" of a freight train,
when the freight was switched off the main track to allow a special
train to pass.
Lincoln's more aristocratic rival (Stephen A. Douglas) was being
conveyed to the same town in this special. The passing train was
decorated with banners and flags, and carried a band of music, which
was playing "Hail to the Chief."
As the train whistled past, Lincoln broke out in a fit of laughter,
and said: "Boys, the gentleman in that car evidently smelt no royalty
in our carriage."
=SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE=
It was the President's overweening desire to accommodate all persons
who came to him soliciting favors, but the opportunity was never
offered until an untimely and unthinking disease, which possessed many
of the characteristics of one of the most dreaded maladies, confined
him to his bed at the White House.
The rumor spread that the President was afflicted with this disease,
while the truth was that it was merely a very mild attack of
varioloid. The office-seekers didn't know the facts, and for once the
Executive Mansion was clear of them.
One day, a man from the West, who didn't read the papers, but wanted
the postoffice in his town, called at the White House. The President,
being then practically a well man, saw him. The caller was engaged
in a voluble endeavor to put his capabilities in the most favorable
light, when the President interrupted him with the remark that he
would be compelled to make the interview short, as his doctor was due.
"Why, Mr. President, are you sick?" queried the visitor.