OF MY PRETTY MAID, AND THOSE DREADFUL SOLDIERS WHO WOULD COME
TURNING HER HEAD, AND PREVENTING THE POOR THING DOING HER WORK.
“Heigho! heigho! I’m afraid,
Too many lovers will puzzle a maid.”
“YOUNG SUSAN HAD LOVERS SO MANY, THAT SHE,” &c.
The servant who came in after Norah was a young woman whose godfathers
and godmothers (stupid people) had christened Rosetta, as if she had
been a Duchess. As of course I wasn’t going to have any of my menials
answering to a stuck-up name like that, I gave her to understand that I
should allow no such things in _my_ house, indeed, but would take the
liberty of altering pretty Rosetta into plain Susan. She was a nice,
clean-looking girl, and was--what, I dare say, some persons would
call--pretty, for her features were very regular; still it was not my
style of beauty. And though her complexion certainly was clear and rosy,
still there was too healthy and countrified a look about it to please
me; for to be perfectly beautiful, it wanted the interesting air that
indisposition always gives the face; for it is universally allowed by
all well-bred people that a woman never looks so well as when she
appears to be suffering from bad health. She had a pair of very fine
blue eyes of her own; but I must confess I never was partial to eyes of
that colour, for they always seem to me to want the expression of hazel
ones. (Dear Edward says mine are hazel.) To do the girl justice, her
mouth was the best feature she had in her face, and yet there was
something about it--I can’t exactly tell what--that wasn’t altogether to
my liking. Her figure, too, certainly did look very good for a person in
_her_ station of life; but all my fair readers must be as well aware as
I am that things have lately come to _such_ a pretty pass, and an
excellent _tournure_ can be had for _so_ little money, that even one’s
maid-servants can walk into any corset-makers and buy a figure, fit for
a lady of the highest respectability, for a mere trifle; and such being
the case, of course there is so much imposition about a female’s
appearance now-a-days, that really it is impossible to tell what is
natural and what is not. When the conceited bit of goods came after the
situation, she looked _so_ clean, tidy, and respectable, and had on
_such_ a nice plain cotton gown, of only one colour--being a nice white
spot on a dark green ground,--and _such_ a good, strong, serviceable
half-a-crown Dunstable straw bonnet, trimmed very plainly; and _such_ a
nice clean quilled net-cap under it; and _such_ a tidy plain white
muslin collar over one of the quietest black-and-white plaid shawls I
think I ever saw in all my life, that I felt quite charmed at seeing her
dressed _so_ thoroughly like what a respectable servant ought to be; and
I’m sure I was never so surprised, in all my born days, as when her late
mistress (who gave her an excellent character) told me the reason why
they parted with Susan was, that she was inclined to be dressy; so that,
after what I had seen of the poor girl, I said to myself--Dressy,
indeed!--well, if they call her dressy, I should just like to know what
dressy is! and engaged her, accordingly.
The first Sunday after she had come into the house, however, I found
that her late mistress wasn’t so far out in the character she had given
the minx; for lo and behold! my neat, unpretending chrysalis had changed
into a flaunting fal-lal butterfly. For after she had gone up stairs to
clean herself that afternoon, if my lady didn’t come down dressed out as
fine as a sweep on a May-day. Bless us and save us! if the stuck-up
thing hadn’t got on a fly-a-way starched-out imitation Balzorine gown,
of a bright ultramarine, picked out with white flowers--with a double
skirt, too, made like a tunic, and looking _so_ grand, (though one could
easily see that it could not possibly have cost more than
six-and-six--if that, indeed,) and drat her impudence! if she hadn’t on
each side of her head got a bunch of long ringlets, like untwisted
bell-ropes, hanging half way down to her waist, and a blonde-lace cap,
with cherry-coloured rosettes, and streamers flying about nearly a yard
long; while on looking at her feet, if the conceited bit of goods hadn’t
got on patent leather shoes, with broad sandals, and open-worked cotton
stockings, as I’m a living woman--and net mittens on her hands too, as
true as my name’s Sk--n--st--n. I had her in the parlour pretty soon,
for I wanted to ask her who the dickens she took me for. Of course, she
was very much surprised that I should object to all her trumpery finery
and fiddlefaddle; and she knew as well as I did that the terms I made
when I engaged her were--ten pounds a year, find her own tea and sugar,
and no followers, nor ringlets, nor sandals, allowed; and that if, in
the hurry of the moment, I had omitted to mention the ringlets and
sandals, it was an oversight on my part, for which I was very sorry; so
I told her that I would thank her to go up stairs again, and take that
finery off her back as quickly as she could, and never, as long as she
remained under my roof, to think of appearing before me in such a
disgraceful state again. When she went out that afternoon to church, the
girl had made herself look something decent, and was no longer dressed
out as showily as if she was the mistress instead of the maid.
Indeed, this love of dress seemed to be quite a mania with the girl;
for I am sure the stupid thing must have gone spending every penny of
her wages upon her back. And do what I would, I couldn’t prevent the
conceited peacock from poking her nasty, greasy bottles of rose hair-oil
and filthy combs and brushes all among the plates and dishes over the
dresser. And I declare, upon looking in the drawer of the kitchen table
one morning, while she was making the beds up stairs, if I didn’t
stumble upon a trumpery sixpenny copy of “The Hand-Book of the Toilet,”
which soon told me that the dirty messes I had been continually finding
in all the saucepans, were either some pomatum, or cream, or wash, which
she had been making for her face or hands. And a day or two afterwards,
while I was down stairs seeing about the dinner, if the precious beauty
hadn’t the impudence to tell me that she wished to goodness that her
“hibrows met like mine did, for it was considered very handsome by the
hancients;” and in a few minutes afterwards, the dirty puss informed me
that the Hand-Book of the Tilet said that you ought to clean your teeth
every morning, and that she had lately tried it, and had no hidea that
it was so hagreable; and then, with the greatest coolness imaginable, if
she didn’t advise _me_ to rub my gums with salt hevery night before I
went to bed; for that the lady of rank and fashion who, she said, was
the talented hauthoress of the little work, declared that it made your
gums look uncommon lovely and red. On which I told her that I was
disgusted to find her head filled with such a heap of rubbish as it was.
But really the stupid girl’s vanity carried her to such lengths, that
she was silly enough to allow any man to go falling in love with her who
liked, although I must say that I don’t think there was any harm in the
minx. Still it was by no means pleasant to have a pack of single knocks
continually coming and turning the poor thing’s head on your
door-step--so that it was really one person’s time to be popping out of
the parlour and telling the girl to come in directly, and not stand
chatting there with the door in her hand. But when she found that my
vigilance had put an end to her courtships on my door-step, she soon
discovered another means of corresponding with her admirers in the
neighbourhood. For one morning, when I went into the back bed-room to
put out some clean pillow-cases, and I happened to go to the window for
a moment, I was never so astonished in the whole course of my existence
as when I saw that impudent monkey of a footman belonging to the
S--mm--ns’s (whose house is just at the bottom of our garden) holding up
a tea-tray, on the back of which was written, in large chalk letters,
“HANGEL, CAN I CUM TO TEE;” and I immediately saw what the fellow meant
by his tricks; so I crept down stairs as gently as I could, and in the
back parlour I found, just as I had expected, my precious beauty of a
Susan perched on a chair, and holding up my best japanned tea-tray--that
cost me I don’t know what all--and on the back she had written with the
same elegant writing materials--“HADOORED ONE! YOU CARNT CUM--ALAS!
MISSUS WILL BE HIN.” So I scolded her well for carrying on those games,
and daring to chalk her nasty love-letters on my tea-trays, telling her
that hers were pretty goings on and fine doings indeed.
And really if it hadn’t been for Edward’s aversion to changing, I do
believe I should have packed her out of the house--as indeed I wish I
had--then and there; for the way in which she went on towards me really
was enough to make a saint swear, (though I’m happy to say I did not.)
For, in the first place, the reader should know that I’m more particular
about my caps than any other article of dress. Indeed, I do think, that
of all things, a pretty cap is the most becoming thing a married woman
can wear; and if I can only get them _distingué_, (as we say,) I don’t
mind what expense I go to, especially as it is so easily made up out of
the housekeeping by giving my husband a few tarts less every week, and
managing the house as prudently and for as little money as I possibly
can. But I declare, no sooner did I get a new cap to my head, and one
that I flattered myself was quite out of the common, than as sure as the
next Sunday came round, that impudent stuck-up bit of goods of a Miss
Susan would make a point of appearing in one of the very same shape and
trimming--only, of course, made of an inferior and cheaper material; and
though I kept continually changing mine, as often as the housekeeping
would admit of my doing so, still it was of no use at all; for the girl
was so quick with her needle and thread, that she could unpick hers and
make it up again like mine for a few pence; and the consequence was,
that any party who had seen either of us only once or twice, would be
safe to mistake one for the other--which I suppose was her
ambition--drat her. This got me nicely insulted, indeed! for one day,
after having had a very nice luncheon of two poached eggs and a basin of
some delicious mutton broth, together with a glass of Guinness’s bottled
stout, I got up and went to look at the window; and I was standing there
with my head just over the blinds, when the policeman came sauntering
by, and seeing me--I declare if the barefaced monkey didn’t turn his
head round and wink at me! I never was so horrified in all my life; for
of course I couldn’t tell what on earth the man could mean by behaving
in such a low, familiar way towards _me_; and as I remained rivetted
with astonishment to the spot, I saw him stop after he had gone a few
paces past the house, and--I never knew such impudence in all my born
days!--begin kissing his hand as if he wanted to make love to me. So I
shook my fist at him pretty quickly; but the jack-a-napes only grinned;
and putting an inquiring look on his face, pointed down to our kitchen
window, and made signs with his hands as if he were cutting up something
and putting it into his mouth, and eating it. So I very soon saw that my
fine gentleman was mistaking me for that stupid, soft, fly-a-way minx of
mine down stairs, and only wanted to come paying his pie-crust addresses
to Miss Susan and _my_ provisions. So I determined to let him know who I
was, indeed; and went to the street-door to show myself, and just take
his number, and have the fellow well punished for his impertinent goings
on: but no sooner did the big-whiskered puppy see me, than he went off
in a hurry, like a rocket, as fast as his legs could carry him. When I
had up Miss Susan, and questioned her as to whether she had ever given
the man any encouragement, she told me a nice lot of taradiddles, I
could see by her manner, which put me in such a passion, that I declared
if ever I caught her making up her caps like mine again, I’d throw them
right behind the kitchen fire--that I would.
Though, really, when I came to reflect, in my calm moments, upon the
girl’s conduct, there was every excuse to be
[Illustration: “_Followers!!!_”]
made for the poor ignorant thing; for being cursed, as the philosopher
says, with--what some people would have called--a pretty face, and
having been only a year or so up from the country, it was but natural
that the silly creature should have been tickled by the flattery of the
pack of fellows who, to my great horror, were continually running after
her; for what with the young men in the neighbourhood, and what with
those dreadful barracks in Albany Street, I declare if our house wasn’t
completely besieged with the girl’s lovers. I do verily believe, so long
as that good-looking puss remained with us, that from morning till night
we had one of the soldiers walking up and down in front of our door,
just like a sentinel--for, upon my word, as fast as one went away,
another used to come, for all the world as if they were relieving guard
in St. James’s Park; and really and truly, the whole of my valuable time
was taken up either in answering single knocks, and telling them for
about the hundredth time Mr. Smith did not live there, or else in
pulling up the windows, and ordering the vagabonds to go along with
them, and mind their own business.
And here let me pause for a minute to remark upon the shameful nuisance
that those barracks in Albany Street are to all persons living in that
otherwise quiet and pretty neighbourhood--for I’m sure there’s not a
person whose house is within half-a-mile of the dreadful place that
isn’t wherrited out of their lives by them. Upon my word, the Life
Guardsmen there are so frightfully handsome, that they ought not to be
allowed by Government to wander at large in those fascinating red
jackets, and with those large jet-black mustachios of theirs, sticking
out on each side of their face, just like two sticks of Spanish
liquorice--nor be permitted to go about as they do, breaking, or at
least cracking, the hearts of all the poor servant-girls in the
neighbourhood, as if they were so much crockery. And what on earth the
hearts of the good-looking wretches themselves can be made of is more
than I can say; for either they must be as impenetrable to Cupid’s
arrows as bags of sand, or I’m sure else they must be as full of holes
as a rushlight-shade. I don’t know what the regiment may cost the nation
every year, (but of course it’s no trifling sum, and what they do for it
except make love to the maids, I can’t see)--but this I do know for a
positive fact, that the expense the Life Guardsmen are to the
respectable inhabitants of Albany Street and its neighbourhood is
actually frightful; for they seem to be of opinion that love cannot live
on air, and consequently always begin by paying their addresses to the
cooks, and if the larder be good, I will do them the justice to say,
that their constancy is wonderful; and really the sum they cost poor
Albany Street and its surrounding districts in the matter of cold meat
alone is really so dreadful, that I really do think if a petition were
got up, and the case properly represented to Government, the Paymaster
of the Forces could not refuse to make them a large allowance every year
for the excellent rations served out to the soldiers every day by the
maids. Really the amiable fellows’ appetites seem to be as large as
their hearts--and _they_ are as big as the Waterloo omnibuses, Heaven
knows, and will carry fourteen inside with perfect ease and comfort any
day. Talk about locusts in the land--I’d back a regiment of Life
Guardsmen for eating a respectable district out of house and home in
half the time, for positively the fine-looking vagabonds seem to have
nothing else to do but to walk about Albany Street, looking down every
area like so many dealers in hare and rabbit skins, crying out--“Any
affection or cold meat this morning, cook?” I don’t know if any of my
courteous readers have ever been in Albany Street when the bugle is
sounded for the fellows to return to their barracks, but upon my word
the scene is really heartbreaking to housekeepers, for there isn’t an
area down the whole street but from which you will see a Life Guardsman,
with his mouth full, ascending the steps, and hurrying off to his
quarters for the night. Anybody will agree with me that one Don Giovanni
is quite enough to turn the fair heads of a whole parish; but upon my
word, when a whole regiment of them are suddenly let loose upon one
particular locality, the havoc among the hearts is positively frightful;
and there isn’t a man in the Life Guards, I know, (unless he’s afflicted
with red mustachios,) that isn’t a regular six-foot two Lothario.
Besides, Mrs. Lockley, the wife of one of Edward’s best clients, assures
me that there was one fascinating monster of a Life Guardsman who, the
day after his regiment was quartered in Albany Street Barracks, began
bestowing his affection on the cook at the bottom of the street, near
Trinity Church, and loved all up the right-hand side of the way, and
then commenced loving down the left; and she says, she verily believes
the amiable villain would have got right to the bottom of the street
again, had he not been stopped by the Colosseum--so that the wretch was
actually obliged to remain constant to the cook who lived at the house
next to it for upwards of a month, at an expense of at least a guinea
a-week to the master, and half-a-crown to the cook, for tobacco, for the
gallant servant-killer.
But to return to that poor simpleton, Susan. One day, Mr. Sk--n--st--n
having been obliged to go down to those bothering Kingston Assizes, upon
professional business, I was, of course, left all alone, with Susan in
the house; and really, from the loneliness of the neighbourhood, and the
savage looks of those dreadful soldiers, whom I could not keep away from
the place, it had such a dreadful effect upon my nerves, that I got
quite stupid and frightened, and kept fancying I heard people trying to
open our street door with false keys, and others attempting to break in
at the back. So I made up my mind, when it was just close upon eight
o’clock, that I wouldn’t sit there trembling any longer, and told that
girl Susan to eat her supper directly, but on no account to touch the
remains of that delicious beefsteak-pie, as I’d set my heart upon having
it cold for dinner to-morrow,--for really, I do think it is as nice a
dish as one can eat,--and lock up the doors, and get ready to go to bed.
And when she had done so, I went down, and having satisfied myself that
the house was all safe, saw little Miss Mischief of a Susan up stairs
before me; and as I thought there was something odd about her conduct, I
saw her into bed, and took the key of her room, and locked her in.
I don’t think I could have been in bed myself above half-an-hour, when
just as I was dozing off into a nice, comfortable sleep, I was roused by
our area bell going cling-a-ling-ling so gently, that I at once knew
something was in the wind somewhere. In about five minutes, there was
another pull, louder than the first, and in about three minutes after
that, another. So I jumped out of bed, and slipping on my wrapper,
threw up the window, when lo and behold! there was one of those plaguy
Life Guardsmen waiting to be let in at our area gate. “Who’s there?” I
cried, pretty loudly.
“It’s only me, my charmer!” he answered, in a loud whisper.
“Who are you, and what do you want here at this time of night?” I
demanded.
“Come, that’s a good ’un, after asking me to supper with you,” he
replied. “Come down, I tell you. It’s only Ned Twist, of the
Guards.--How about that cold beefsteak-pie, my heart’s idol?”
“Go along about your business,” I said, in a loud voice. “You ought to
be ashamed of yourself--you ought.”
“Come, none of your jokes,” he replied; “I am so plaguy hungry. I’m good
for the whole of that pie of your missus’s; so come down, and let us in,
there’s a beauty.”
“Go along with you, do!” I said, in a very loud voice, “or I’ll call the
police.”
“Hush-sh-sh!” he said, in a whisper, “or you’ll be letting that old
she-dragon of a missus of yours hear you, and then it will be all up
with my beefsteak-pie, angel! And that will never do, for I’ve just
refused a splendid offer of tripe and onions from a lovely cook in
Osnaburgh-street. So, once for all, do you mean to come down or not?--or
I shall have that angel’s tripe all cold before I get back to her.”
“Go along with you!” I cried out, unable to contain myself any longer,
now I had heard all he had got to say--“go along with you--I’m that
she-dragon of a mistress, and if you are not off, I’ll give you in
custody----”
But the words were scarcely out of my mouth, before Mr. Ned Twist ran
away as fast as his legs would carry him; and as he turned the corner, I
caught a glimpse of the handsome fellow’s face by the gaslight, and knew
that he was one of the very men who were always coming and asking if Mr.
Smith lived there.
In the morning, when I inquired of Miss Susan whether she was acquainted
with one Ned Twist, in the Life Guards, of course she knew nothing about
the gentleman; and, unfortunately, I had forgotten to wheedle out of the
man the name of the party he really had come to see, so that I could not
fix her with anything positive.
[Illustration: _George Cruikshank_
“_It’s my Cousin M’am!_”]
But I determined to clear up all doubts about the matter, and so I set a
trap, into which my lady fell, and I caught her as nicely as ever she
was caught in the whole course of her life. I told her that I was going
round to dear mother’s, to tea, (though of course I never intended to be
silly enough to do anything of the kind;) and accordingly I left the
house, and went to make a few little odd purchases in the neighbourhood,
and then returned in about an hour’s time, saying that, unfortunately,
mother was from home, (though, for the matter of that, I didn’t know
whether she was or not.) It was very easy to see that my lady was quite
flustered at my coming back so unexpectedly. Of course I went straight
into the parlour, and told her to bring me up the tea-things, and then I
shouldn’t want her any more; for I wasn’t going to be such a simpleton
as to go down then, as I felt convinced that directly she heard my knock
at the door she had stowed away her gallant son of Mars in the
coal-cellar. Just as I had expected, the tea things came up in about
half-an-hour. When she brought them, I pretended to be fast asleep on
the sofa, and about five minutes after she had put them on the table, I
crept down stairs so softly that I declare I could scarcely hear my own
footstep; and on opening the door suddenly, as if I wanted to go to the
wine-cellar, lo, and behold! there my Life Guardsman was, true enough,
and as far as I could judge, Mr. Ned Twist himself--and though all the
things had been cleared away, still from the gravy and bits of pie-crust
that were hanging to the fellow’s mustachios, I could see that my
gentleman had been at _my_ beef-steak pie with a vengeance. Miss Susan,
however, was far from losing her presence of mind, and was even with me
in a minute; for she rose from her chair, and introduced me to Mr. Ned
Twist, saying, “My cousin, Mam,” while her cousin (pretty cousin,
indeed!) jumped to the other side of the room, and drawing himself as
straight up as a six-foot rule, put his hand sideways to his forehead,
as a mark of respect to the mistress of his _relation_, (Augh, I can’t
bear such deceit!) As he was a great tall man, and I was a poor lone
woman, with my husband in the country, I thought it best to be civil to
the good-looking monster, (though I could have given it him well, I
could!) so I begged of him not to disturb himself, but to sit down
quietly, and make himself quite at home with his _cousin_. Then I went
up stairs, and putting on my bonnet and shawl, slipped out of the house
as quick as I could--though, bother take it, I couldn’t get the
street-door to close after me without making a noise. Then I went up to
the first policeman I met with, and told him he must come with me that
instant, as I wanted to give a man in charge for robbing me of my
beef-steak pie. But on going back, the bird had flown; so I had to offer
the policeman my thanks and a glass of table-beer,--which, however, the
good man would not accept, saying that they were forbidden to drink
while on duty. I was so surprised at finding such virtue in the police
force--especially when I recollected how I had been treated by that
big-whiskered monkey--who had winked at me, that I took a good look at
this noble man, and at once knew from the quantity of hair about the
jackanapes’ face that he was the identical fellow who had not only
kissed his hand to me, but had also wanted himself to partake of
whatever there might be in my larder. So I sent him off with a flea in
his ear; and then turning round sharp upon Miss Susan, I told her that
she would go that day month, as sure as her name was Susan, and that I
hoped and trusted she would let this be a warning to her--for I knew
very well that I could easily pretend to make it up with her again, and
so keep her on a month or six weeks after my confinement.
The next day I received a very proper letter from Edward, informing me
he was afraid that business would detain him at Kingston for another
week, and a very unladylike and rude letter from Mrs. Yapp, the mother
of Edward’s poor dear deceased first wife, telling my husband she would
be in town to-morrow, and that she purposed making her dear boy’s house
her home so long as she remained in London.
Oh, gracious goodness! I said to myself, what will my poor husband do
under this awful visitation? for if one mother-in-law is more than he
can bear, what on earth will he do when he finds himself afflicted with
two?--and the worst of it all was, that I saw that during my
confinement--but, alas! I must reserve this for another chapter.