WHICH TREATS OF MY IRISH SERVANT NORAH CONNOR, AND OF THE FEARS I
REALLY HAD FOR MY LIFE WHILST SHE WAS WITH ME.
“My heart’s with my Norah, for she is my treasure,
And, sleeping or waking--in sunshine or shade--
From morning till nightfall--from nightfall till morning--
I think of my Norah--my own Irish maid.”
“MY HEART’S WITH MY NORAH.”
Edward put the cat into his blue bag, and took it down to his chambers
with him that morning, all along with his law papers, (a dirty man.)
When I asked him if he hadn’t better take them out and put them in his
pockets, as Tom might go digging his claws into them, he told me they
were only two or three rough bills of costs for his clients, and Tom’s
claws couldn’t possibly hurt them; for as he hadn’t settled the things
yet, it was no matter how much he stuck it into them. Then the stupid
man giggled like a ninny, although, as I told him, I couldn’t see
anything to giggle at, and that if in the end he found his bills of
costs ripped up, that he’d laugh on the other side of his mouth, I’d be
bound. So off he went with his cat, like another Whittington, to catch
the Waterloo omnibus.
To say the truth, I was quite delighted when I saw my dear husband clear
out of the house with that odious Tom in his hand; for really our
household expenses had been so heavy for the last two or three weeks,
that I hadn’t been able to get even so much as a bit of riband out of
the money that Edward allowed me to keep the house with. And upon my
word, what with my husband’s being so dreadfully close-fisted as he
was--and Mrs. Burgess’s not being able to keep her fingers off
anything--and that Tom’s love of clawing hold of whatever he came near,
I declare I had been so dreadfully pinched of late, that I positively
didn’t know which way to turn, and it made me so uneasy that I couldn’t
rest in my bed. Besides, to be tied down to a penny as I was, was such
an uncomfortable position for a body to be in, that I felt it was high
time for me to get up and look about me; and I even began to have
serious thoughts of keeping all the kitchen stuff to myself, for I was
sure that our maid must get at least a new silk bonnet every year out of
our dripping pan--and that too, when I would willingly have given my own
head for it. Moreover, dear mother had advised me always to keep a sharp
eye fixed on our grease-pot; for if I didn’t, I should find that every
bit of candle I had in the house would run away as fast as if there was
a thief in it, as the maids would take very good care that I hadn’t any
“dips” of a morning in my candle box, and that my “compositions” would
never be more than five and six in the pound.
Norah came in that evening with her things in a bundle in her hand; and
I found her such a nice, hard-working body--always cleaning up or doing
something--never tired nor minding how much I put upon her--and
positively working like a galley-slave from morning till night for
me--all of which was so delightful to see, that I really thought I was
suited at last. Indeed, she was so quick over her work, that after I had
made her scrub all the house well down, from top to bottom, and clean
all the paint, and take up and beat all the carpets, and give all the
furniture, and tins, and coppers, and stoves, a thorough good rubbing, I
declare the mere everyday work of the house was literally a flea-bite in
her eyes, (if I may be allowed the expression.) I was hard put to it to
find some odd jobs to keep her fully employed; for I had no idea of
paying servants the wages I did to support them in idleness and
allowing time to hang so heavy on their hands that they must needs sit
all the evening picking their fingers to get rid of it. A very
praiseworthy and charming point, too, in Norah Connor’s character was,
that she was not at all nice about her eating, for as long as the poor
ignorant thing had oceans of potatoes, (to use an expressive figure of
speech,) she didn’t care about anything else; so, of course, with my
usual kindness, I let the good, hard-working soul have just what she
wanted, and, in addition, I used to make her eat up all the odds and
ends that were in the larder--for I never could bear waste, and didn’t
mind what I did for a servant so long as she went on well.
But what pleased me more than all the rest put together indeed, was Mr.
Sk--n--st--n’s disgraceful conduct about the business. For when I had
finished getting the house to rights--and he couldn’t help noticing how
different I had got it to look from the shameful state it was in under
Mrs. Burgess’s hands--my husband, in his blessed ignorance, supposed it
to be all Miss Norah Connor’s doing; and he even carried it so far as to
say to my very face he hoped that now I had got a good servant, I should
know how to treat her, and not go disgusting her with the place by
working the girl off her legs, as I seemed to have been doing. Of course
I told him it was like his impudence, indeed, and that I had no patience
with him, for though he was my husband he was no better than a child;
and I asked him, how on earth he could ever be such a stupid as to fancy
that the improved appearance of the house was all owing to Norah, and
how much work he thought _she_ would have done if _I_ had not always
been looking after her; for didn’t he know, that the mice would play if
the cat was away. I told him moreover I was sorry to see that he was
very ready to compliment _Norah_, though he never thought it worth his
while to trouble his head for an instant about the labour and fatigue
_I_ had gone through, in being obliged to keep dancing all the day long
at the girl’s heels, as I had done. And I wound up by requesting him
just for one moment to consider in his own mind what he thought would
become of the sailors and the ship, if the pilot didn’t look alive, and
neglected to put his best leg foremost for an instant.
But still, on second thoughts, I could hardly be angry with the poor
man, for, of course, what could _he_ be expected to know about the
plague and worry attendant upon servants. And the more I turned what he
said over in my own mind, the more convinced I felt that he was in the
wrong and that I was in the right; for, Norah Connor being a new broom,
it was only natural that she should sweep clean. Seeing, however, what
the woman was capable of getting through, and that she was never happy
unless she was doing something, it did seem to me to be quite a sin and
a wicked waste of money to go putting out our washing every week as we
did--especially as our garden would make such a sweet pretty
drying-ground for the things; and the prices I had been giving for
Edward’s shirts (4_d._ each), really did appear to me to be so
extravagant. Besides, it is such a dreadful feeling, when you are
conscious that you’re paying through the nose for things; and it seems
to be so unreasonable for people to make you do so, that it’s quite
wonderful to me how they can ever take the money from you in such a way.
So, when I came to reflect upon it, I was astonished how I could have
been such a stupid as to have gone putting out our washing as I had
done, ever since we had been married; and I lost no time in telling
Norah that I had forgotten to mention, at the time of engaging her, that
we always did our washing at home.
I was quite delighted to see how readily the worthy, industrious
creature consented to serve me. As a slight stimulus to further
exertions, I told her that I should allow her a pint of beer extra on
washing-days, which she seemed to be very grateful for; and I was glad
to find that a poor ignorant woman like her was not insensible to my
kindness. When it was all settled, I really felt quite happy at having
done my duty to dear Edward, for I knew that we were not in a position
of life that would warrant our going and flinging our money in the
gutter; and that, as his wife, I was bound to save every sixpence of his
that I could--especially as, by so doing, I should be able to get a few
little odd things for myself out of the housekeeping without bothering
him about them.
But though Norah Connor went on very well just at first, still, after a
time, she got so frightfully familiar and presuming, that really the
woman used to speak to me as if I was her equal; nor could I for the
life of me get her to pay me the respect that I felt was due to me.
Now, for instance, I remember, one morning, about two months before
little Annie was born, I rang the parlour bell, and when the woman came
into the room, I said, in a quiet voice, “I want a glass of water to
drink, Norah.”
“You want to drink a glass of wather?” she replied. “Well, I’ve no
objection. Drink away, darlin’!!
“Then,” I continued, blandly, “I should feel obliged if you would be so
good as to let me have one directly.”
“Let you have one?” she exclaimed. “Faith, an’ didn’t I give you
permission just now?”
This was past all bearing; but I restrained myself, and merely said,
with becoming dignity, “I didn’t have you up stairs, Norah, to know
whether _you_ would permit _me_ to drink a glass of water in my own
house, or not.”
To which she replied, as familiarly as if she were speaking to the
servant next door, “Well, by my sowl, when I heard you ask me if I’d let
you have that same, I thought you mighty stupid at the time. An’ what is
it you _do_ want, then, mavourneen?”
“Why,” I returned, in measured terms, remembering my station, “I want
what I told you before, as plainly as a person could speak--a glass of
water.”
“Well, then,” she cried, “by the powers! if I were you, I’d get it!
Isn’t there plenty down stairs, honey?”
“But,” I continued, calmly, “perhaps you will be kind enough, Norah, to
bring me a glass up _here_.”
“Och!” she exclaimed, “so, an’ it’s only a glass you’re wantin’ me to
fetch you, afther all! A glass wid nothin’ in it, is it you mane?”
“No,” I replied, almost losing my temper, “A glass of _water_, woman,
and _not_ a glass without anything in it! Do you understand me _now_?”
“Out an’ out,” she cried, with a nasty, low wink. “You’d be havin’ a
glass of wather wid somethin’ in it! Oh, go along wid you--wanting a
drop on the sly, now! You’re takin’ to the bottle, though, betimes this
mornin’, I’m thinkin’.”
I’m sure my fair readers can easily imagine that this threw me into such
a passion that it quite made my blood boil. I told the fury to hold her
tongue, and never dare to open her mouth about such things again. But
the impudent hussey only made me worse, for she kept declaring, “mum was
the word with Norah,” and saying, “that I needn’t go flurryin’ mysilf
about her findin’ out my sly thricks,” and telling me to be “asy, for
that the masther should never hear of it from hersilf.”
So that at last, I declare, I was positively obliged to run up stairs
into my own bed-room, in order to get rid of the creature. There I threw
myself on the sofa, in the most dreadful state of mind, I think, I ever
was in all my life; and, torn with all kinds of horrid ideas, I said to
myself, “Norah washes very well, it is true--but alas! what washing can
compensate me for this!”
What vexed me, though, even more than Norah, was, that when I went to
tell my husband, on his return from business that evening, about how the
woman had insulted me, he wouldn’t hear a word of it, and said, like a
wretch, he was sick and tired of my complaints against the maids, and he
never set foot in the house but I had always got some long rigmarole
tale about the servant’s bad conduct; adding that it was impossible they
should be invariably in the wrong; and he firmly believed it was quite
as much, if not more, my fault than theirs. And he even had the
impudence to declare, (I thought it best to let him have his own way for
once, and go on till he was tired,) that he had quite worry and bother
enough of his own at office, and that when he came home, fagged and worn
out, to his own fireside, he was determined at least to enjoy peace and
quiet at his hearth; and then he asked what on earth I thought he had
married me for, (as if I was going to tell him;) when the cruel wretch
said--it was only to have a happy home! I told him that it was a nice
insult to my own face, indeed, and that he seemed determined to find
fault with everything that day, as nothing, however good it was, would
please him; whereupon Mr. Sk--n--st--n went on, I’m sure, without
knowing what he said, for he declared that I was a millstone round his
neck, and the torment of his life; adding, that he begged me once for
all to understand, that he would _not_ be pestered every day with my
bickerings with the servants; and he had made up his mind that if ever I
opened my mouth to him again on the subject, that he would put on his
hat that very moment and go and spend his evening at some tavern, where
at least he could _enjoy_ himself. Besides, he told me, he could see
that Norah was worth her weight in gold to any person who knew how to
humour her; for the house had never been so clean ever since we had been
married; and the way in which the girl dressed a potato made her so
invaluable in his eyes, that he wasn’t going, he could tell me, to have
her driven out of the house by me. So that anybody might have seen, like
myself, with half an eye, that my gentleman didn’t care so much about
“_his own fireside_” after all, and instead of “_his hearth_,” indeed,
being uppermost in his mind, that really and truly his stomach was at
the bottom of it.
As for the matter of that Norah’s potatoes too, I’m sure I couldn’t see
anything so wonderful about them. But, of course, Mr. Edward must go
thinking them dressed so beautifully, just because they came up in their
jackets; though, for my own part, I never could bear the look of the
things in their skins; and what’s more, it wasn’t decent to have them
coming to table in such a state. And the next day I told my lady as
much, adding that she would be pleased to peel the potatoes before
bringing them to the parlour for the future, as they were only fit for
pigs to eat in the way she sent them up. Whereupon the vixen flew into
_such_ a rage, and abused and swore at me in _such_ a way, calling me
everything that was bad, and declaring that she would pay me out for it.
And then, in the height of her passion, the spiteful fury, with the
greatest coolness in the world, emptied all the dripping out of the
frying-pan she was doing some soles in, right into the middle of the
nice, brisk, clear fire, and created such a blaze, that I’m sure the
flames must have been seen at the top of the house. Knowing that it was
just upon our time for having the chimney swept, I felt certain that it
must be on fire; and when I rushed out into the garden, there it was,
sure enough, raging away, and throwing out volumes of sparks and smoke,
just like the funnel of a steam-boat at night-time--with such a horrid
smell of burning soot, that all the little boys came running from far
and near up to our door, and shrieking out, Fire! Fire! like a pack of
wild Indians.
When I went back into the kitchen the spiteful thing was impudent enough
to tell me just to look there and see what I had made her do wid my
boderations (as she called it), adding, “that it wasn’t herself though
that would be afther desarting me in my distriss.” Feeling, however,
that it was not the time to talk to her just then, I made her rake out
every bit of fire there was in the grate, and after that I told her to
run up to the top of the house with a couple of pails full of water, and
to get out on the roof and pour it all down the chimney as quick as she
could.
Up she went, while I waited below all of a twitter, expecting every
minute that I should have a whole regiment of fire-engines come tearing
up to the door, and putting us to goodness knows what expense for
nothing; when all of a sudden I heard the water come splashing down
right into the parlour overhead, and saw in an instant that that stupid
thing of a Norah must have got blinded with the smoke up above, and
mistaken the chimney, so that she had gone pouring it down all over my
beautiful stove in the dining-room. In an instant I put my head up the
kitchen chimney and hallooed out to her as loud as ever I could,
“No--rah! you must pour it down here.” I declare the words were scarcely
out of my mouth when down came such a torrent of water and soot, right
in my face and all over my head and shoulders, and down my neck, that
anybody to have seen me would have sworn some one had been breaking a
large bottle of blacking over my head; while immediately afterwards, as
if only to make matters worse, I heard a tremendous shout in the street,
and on running to the window I at once knew that the parish engine was
at hand: for, tearing along the pavement on the opposite side of the way
was a whole regiment of, I should say, twenty or thirty little dirty
boys pulling at a rope, and dragging along a nasty, ugly, red, trumpery
little machine, which, I’m sure, if the house had been in flames, could
have been of no more use to us than a squirt upon four wheels; while the
mischievous young urchins kept hurraing away as if it was a good bit of
fun, and little thinking that what was sport to them was (as with the
toad in the fable) near upon death to me, and a good bit of money out of
my pocket into the bargain.
When Norah Connor came down and saw what a pretty pickle both my cap and
face were in, the only thing she did was to cry out, “Och, murther, I
niver saw such a fright as ye look. What on airth have ye been gettin’
up to now?” and when I told her what had happened, she actually had the
impudence to add, that “sure an’ I wasn’t fit to be trusted alone for
two minutes together.” And then, seeing the parish engine at the door,
she wanted to go--and I declare it was as much as ever I could do to
prevent the fury--rushing out, and (to use her own words) “larruppin’
the Badle--just to tache the dirty blaggeard not to come robbin’ the
masther agin in that way.”
However, I was determined not to have the door opened; so after the
beadle had hammered away at it like a trunk-maker, for better than half
an hour, he grew disgusted and went off with those impudent young
monkeys of boys, and that stupid little watering-pot of a parish engine,
(if I may be allowed to use so strong an expression.)
When I went into the parlour, it was in such a dreadful state that
really it is impossible for me to give my readers any idea of the dirt
and filth about it--unless, indeed, I were to say that it was as grubby
as one of my father’s coal-barges. I saw that I had got a very pretty
week’s work cut out for me, and how Norah would ever be able to get
through with it all, I couldn’t say. As for my beautiful bright stove,
it was as rusty, and as brown as a poor curate’s coat, and the
hearth-rug was as black as the face of that impudent cymbal-player in
the Life Guards.
All I know is, that we had to take everything out of the place; and, as
I expected Edward to knock at the door every minute, I told Norah to
light a fire and lay the cloth for dinner in the drawing-room. When I
went up stairs to put myself to rights, it took me full half an hour,
and nearly a whole cake of Windsor soap, before even I could bear the
look of myself; and all the time I kept inquiring in my own mind, what I
had better do in the situation that I was; for positively what between
that Norah Connor’s impudence and spite, and my husband’s always taking
her side, I really didn’t know how to act; for I felt myself to be (as
Edward calls it) on the horns of a dilemma, and was so dreadfully tossed
about, that I couldn’t undertake to say whether I was on my head or my
heels. So after weighing it well, I determined upon breaking the
dreadful news to my husband as gently as I could, directly he set foot
in the house, and before he could catch sight of the mess in the
dining-room. Accordingly, as soon as I heard his knock I went and opened
the door myself, and while he was hanging his hat up in the hall, I
said to him--as kindly as I could, I’m sure--“Oh, Edward! Norah _has_
been going on so to-day, you can’t think.”
The more one does, however, the more one may, and I declare there was no
pleasing Mr. Sk--n--st--n that day anyhow; for instead of trying to
console me in my distress, he only banged his hat on his head again, and
saying, that “It was always servants, servants, servants! from morning
till night, and he’d be hung if he’d stand it any longer,” he bounced
out of the house again, slamming the door after him like a cannon, and
went sulking off to some filthy tavern in the neighbourhood, and never
thought fit to return till five-and-twenty minutes past midnight--when
he came home with his hair smelling of tobacco-smoke fit to knock one
down, and the bow of his stock twisted right round to the side of his
neck, and his intellects so muddled, that, do what I would, I couldn’t
get him to carry the night candlestick straight, so that he would keep
dropping the tallow-grease all over the carpets, as he went up stairs to
bed.
In the morning, however, I was determined to let him see that I was not
going to put up with his tantrums, indeed; so I never spoke to him all
breakfast-time, and although he made, I should say, some dozen advances
to me, yet I wasn’t to be carneyed over in that way I could tell him,
and so merely gave him a plain “Yes” or “No,” as short and snappishly as
I could; consequently, my gentleman hadn’t a very pleasant time of it,
and went off to business quite early, thoroughly ashamed of himself, I
could see. Nor did I choose to make it up with Mr. Sk--n--st--n until
the day came for him to go over the housekeeping expenses, when, as dear
Edward paid the money without a single question, I thought I might as
well forgive him.
Of course these little breezes didn’t make me relish Miss Norah Connor’s
airs any the better, though she certainly did her work very well, and I
couldn’t find any fault with her about that. Still, as I felt that she
was destroying my peace of mind, and was really _so_ impudent to me, I
couldn’t help considering it a duty I owed to my husband to get rid of
her as quickly as I could. As for her being an excellent servant too,
why of course I knew there was as good fish in the sea as ever came out
of it; and besides, Norah Connor really appeared to me to have been
brought up at Billingsgate.
But in a short time _that_ Norah gave me such a dose, that not knowing
what she might treat me to after it, I really should have been worse
than a child if I had taken it quietly. For one afternoon I was in the
kitchen, and if the hussey didn’t spill a whole basinful of water on the
floor, and then actually seemed in no way inclined to wipe up the slop
on the boards, so I begged she would just take a cloth, and do it
immediately. But the minx replied, “Och! sure an’ don’t it always soak
in, in my counthry,” which was a good deal more than I felt I ought to
put up with. So I told her very plainly, “that her country, then,
whatever it was, must be a filthy dirty place, and only fit for a set of
pigs to wallow in.” No sooner were the words out of my mouth, than she
turned round sharp upon me, and shrieking out, “Hoo! hubbaboo!” (or some
such savage gibberish), seized the kitchen carving-knife, which was
unfortunately lying on the table, and kept brandishing it over her head,
crying out, “Hurrah for ould Ireland! the first jim of the sa!--and a
yard of cowld steel for them as spakes agin’ her!” Then she set to work,
chasing me round and round the kitchen table, jumping up in the air all
the while, and screaming like one of the celebrated wild cats of
Kilkenny. I flew like lightning, and she came after me like anything. I
declare the vixen kept so close to my heels, that I expected every
minute to feel the knife run into me between my shoulders, just where I
had been cupped when I was a child; and the worst of it was there wasn’t
even so much as a dish-cover or a saucepan-lid near at hand that I might
use as a shield, and I couldn’t help fancying that every moment my gown
would go catching in one of the corners of the table, and that the fury
would seize hold of me by my back hair in a way, that even if I wasn’t
killed by the fright on the spot, would at least turn my head for life.
But, luckily, being a slighter-made woman than Norah, the breath of the
tigress failed her before mine did, and while she stopped to breathe a
bit, I rushed up the kitchen-stairs--shot into the parlour--locking and
bolting the door after me--and threw myself into the easy chair, where I
sat trembling like a blancmange, determined not to leave the room until
Edward came home, when I would certainly tell him all about Norah’s
wicked behaviour to me. And yet after he had told me so often as he had
that he hoped the subject would drop, I declare I was half afraid to
throw myself upon him for protection.
Nor was I mistaken in my man, for directly I said to Mr. Sk--n--st--n,
“I have a disagreeable duty to perform this evening, Edward: the fact
is, Norah--” the wretch cut me short, and cried out, “What! you’re at it
again, eh? Norah! Norah! nothing but Norah? Why the deuce can’t you
leave the poor woman alone for a minute.” And so saying, the aggravating
monster turned on his heel and went and dined out again.
This had such an effect upon me, that I felt I couldn’t touch a morsel
of the dinner, (although it was a rabbit smothered in onions, which I’m
very partial to;) so I sat in my chair, sobbing away, until Norah came
into the room to know whether she should bring the rabbit up. Yes; there
the minx was, as calm and cool as if nothing at all had happened; for,
to do the woman justice, her rage never lasted long,--when once it was
over, why she had done with it--and I really believe that she couldn’t
help it, after all. When the stony-hearted tigress saw me crying, she
came up to me, and laying her hand on my back in the most familiar and
feeling manner, said, in her usual impudent way, “Come, darlin’! don’t
be afther frettin’ the eyes out of your head now! Sure an’ isn’t it
mysilf that’s given you my pardin long ago if that’s what you’re
wantin’.”
I merely begged of her to leave the room, adding, that I was surprised
that she should think of coming up to me.
“Well, may be,” she replied, with all the coolness imaginable, “it does,
no doubt, seem mighty kind of me to do the likes, after all ye said and
did to me, too,--puttin’ my blood up, and well nigh makin’ me murther
ye, as ye did. Ah, it was too bad of ye--so it was! But you’re sorry for
it, I see, and Norah isn’t the girl to bear malice, sure.”
The woman’s impudence really took me so aback, that all I could do was
to echo her own words and exclaim, in astonishment, “I’m--sorry--for
it!”
“I’m glad to hear you say ye are, so I am,” she continued. “But sure an’
you’re my misthress, and I wont let ye be afther lowerin’ yersilf by
askin’ for my pardin, as ye are. So come, say no more about it,
mavourneen; but just thry to ate a bit, if it’s the smallest taste in
life now, or ye’ll go makin’ yersilf out an’ out ill for my sake.”
And really and truly the stupid thing would keep bothering me so, that
being frightened out of my wits lest I should offend her again, I had to
try and eat some of the rabbit, (which was very delicious,) nor would
she leave me until she had made me drink off a glass of wine, (which
certainly did me a great deal of good.) Indeed, altogether, the curious
compound of a woman pitied me so, and was so kind and attentive to me,
that I wished to goodness gracious she could only get rid of her
horrible temper, and then I should not be obliged to prevail upon Edward
to turn her out of the house, as I must.
The next morning, I took an opportunity, at breakfast, of getting my
husband to listen to what Norah had done to me; and then, if he hadn’t
the coolness to ask me why I had not told him all about it when he came
home to dinner the day before. But I made him heartily ashamed of
himself by reminding him that he had bounced out of the house like a
cracker directly I opened my mouth to him on the subject. Whereupon he
remarked that I had cried “Wolf” so often, that there was no knowing
when I was really in trouble.
However, though Mr. Sk--n--st--n has his little peculiarities, still I
must say he is not so very bad a man at heart, after all, for he looked
at Norah’s shameful goings on towards me in a very proper light,
observing, that after what I had said to a woman of her passionate
disposition, it was a mercy that she hadn’t killed me on the spot.
Though, of course, he couldn’t let well alone, but must go and side with
Miss Norah in the end; for he told me that I ought not to have insulted
the girl in the way I had, and that if, in her anger, she had put an end
to my life--though the woman would have suffered for it--still _I_
should have been nearly as much to blame as _she_ was; adding, that it
really struck him, that if I happened to get hold of a good, honest,
industrious servant, who merely wanted to be humoured a little, that I
must needs go driving continually at her weak point, until I forced her
out of the house; for I seemed to think that the wages were all that was
due from the mistress to her servants, forgetting that I had undertaken
to make my house their home, and that if I stripped it of all the
attributes of one, and converted it into a prison instead, where they
were to see no friends, and be kept to so many months’ hard labour, why,
it was only natural that they, poor things, finding I had forgotten my
duty to them, should, in their turn, forget their duty to me. Besides,
he added, I should remember that though there was little or no excuse
for the mistress’s non-performance of her part of the contract, still
some allowance should be made for the poor creatures, whose very
deficiencies of education made them often do wrong merely because they
had never been lucky enough to have learnt better. And then he had the
impudence to ask me what I should say if, when I asked my next servant
what kind of a character she could have from her last mistress, the girl
in return were to ask me what kind of a character _I_ could have from my
last _servant_? I told him that I should say that it was very like her
impudence, indeed, and tell her to get out of the house
directly--adding, that I never heard of such an absurd idea in all my
life before.
“Of course,” Edward replied, smiling at what I had said, (though I’m
sure I could see nothing to laugh at;) “and yet, perhaps, it is not
quite so absurd a notion as you seem to fancy. You forget that the girl
comes into your house to be subject to your every little whim and
caprice, and that not only her bread, but also her comfort and happiness
are dependent upon _your_ character; and it stands to reason, from the
very nature of things, that the slave must suffer more from the tyrant,
than the tyrant can possibly suffer from the slave.”
I told him very plainly that I had no patience with him, talking in such
a way about tyrants and slaves, indeed, and that they were sentiments
only worthy of a low radical meeting. I was quite pleased, however, when
I dumbfounded him, by asking him how he ever thought society would get
on upon such dreadful principles?--adding, that for my own part, I would
have everybody who went putting such horrid ideas into the poor ignorant
things’ heads drawn and quartered as they used to be in the good old
times. And I told him, too, that as he seemed to know so much about the
management of servants, I should just like to hear how he would behave
to Miss Norah after chasing me round the table with a knife in her hand,
as she had; and that of course I supposed he would carry out his fine
principles with her, and go making the toad a present for it--just as an
encouragement for the future. But he merely replied, that he should do
no such thing; adding, that I should see how he would act, for he would
have her up then and there, and talk to her. Accordingly, he rang the
bell, and in my lady came.
“Shut the door, Norah; I want to speak to you,” he began; and when she
had done so, he continued--“Your mistress has been telling me about this
sad affair with the knife, Norah.”
“Yes, masther,” she replied, with her usual impudence; “but sure an’
I’ve forgotten it all long ago--so I have. Wasn’t it myself that tould
her I’d think no more about it.”
“Yes; but, Norah,” he continued, “don’t you think that it’s you who
require your mistress’s forgiveness, after attempting her life, as you
did yesterday.”
“Thrue, masther,” answered Norah; “but, faith, an’ didn’t she say that
ould Ireland, the first jim of the sa, was a pigsty, and I thought of
nothing else at all at all.”
“Well, now, listen to me, Norah,” he said. “Perhaps I should astonish
you if I were to tell you that you could be transported for what you did
to your mistress yesterday.”
“Thransported, did ye say,” she replied. “An’ sure an’ the misthress had
no rights to be afther blaggearding my counthry as she did.”
“No, Norah,” he replied; “that was very inconsiderate of _her_; but it
was both wicked and mad of _you_ to think that you could add to your
country’s honour by shedding the blood of one whom you were bound to
respect.”
“Thrue, again, Masther,” she answered, with consummate impudence. “But,
by my sowl, we are a warrm-hearted people, so we are; an’ when the
blood’s up, Pat hasn’t time to be thinkin’ of thrifles.”
“Exactly so; and it is for that reason, Norah,” continued my husband,
“that persons like ourselves are frightened to live in the same house
with you.”
“Frighthined was it ye were saying,” she replied; “sure an’ if you’re
good to us, don’t we take it to heart as warrmly as when ye trate us
badly. But, by St. Pathrick, it’s the bad we forgit, and the good we
remimber. Faith, an’ the masther hisself will say that!”
“I cannot deny it,” returned Edward; “and, indeed, it is solely on that
account, Norah, that I speak to you in the temperate manner I am at
present doing; for I know that it is the character of your nation to be
touched by a kind word, while you are only enraged by a harsh one.”
“Faith, an’ that’s what we are,” cried the woman, who really looked as
if she was going out of her wits on the spot. “An’ blessings on the
masther who said that same. An’ by the powers, it isn’t Norah that’ll be
the dirty blaggeard ever to lave him as long as she lives.”
“Yes, but, Norah,” returned my husband, with certainly more reason than
I ever gave him credit for, “after your conduct to your mistress, I
should be forgetting my duty to her, were I to consent to your remaining
with me.”
“Och, murther!” she exclaimed, as cool as ever. “You niver mane to say
that you’ll be afther driving Norah from your door?”
“Yes, Norah,” he answered, with a firmness that astonished me; “this day
month, if you please! You can go down to your work again now.”
“Ah, niver say it--niver say it, honey,” she cried, with the tears
starting in her eyes--“ah, niver say it. Only let Norah stop wid ye, and
by St. Pathrick there’s nothing she’ll be thinking too good for ye.
Sure, and wont she work night and day for ye both. Oh! spake a word to
him, misthress, and say ye wont be after puttin’ my blood up agin, and
I’ll be as kind and good to the pair of ye as if ye were my own dear
childer.”
“No, Norah!” my husband replied; “it is useless to think that you and
your mistress can ever live amicably together; and my mind is made up.
So go down stairs quietly, like a good soul, and don’t let me hear
anything more about it.”
I’m sure I never witnessed in all my life such a scene as followed. I
declare that Norah went on more like a mad thing than a Christian. At
one moment, she was crying like a child, at another, she was raving like
a maniac. Now she was all penitence, and the very next minute, her eyes
were starting out of her head, and she was swearing to be revenged; and
she had no sooner finished blessing us, in case we let her stop, than
she would set to work and heap on our heads, if we sent her away, all
kinds of the most dreadful curses one could think of, and which quite
made my flesh crawl, I declare.
But Edward was very stern, and wouldn’t give in in the least; so that at
last, Norah, finding all her tears thrown away upon us, and that she was
only wasting her breath by going on in the way she did, turned round,
and swearing that we shouldn’t send her away, went down to the kitchen
again. On going to the top of the stairs and listening, I could hear her
muttering all kinds of dreadful things against me, though I’m sure _I_
hadn’t given her warning, and couldn’t see that _I_ had done so much
towards her, after all. But the fact was, the creature I knew had had a
spite against me ever since she set foot in the house.
I went back into the parlour, and asked Edward just to come and listen
how the woman was raving, but he is such a stupid, obstinate man, that
he wouldn’t oblige me, and said that it was a meanness that any decent
person would be ashamed of doing.
Really I was so frightened of the woman after what I had heard her say
she would do to me, that I asked Edward whether he hadn’t better make it
up with her this once, and tell Norah that she might stop--for as she
had promised to work night and day for us, it really struck me that she
couldn’t do more, and that she was a treasure that we ought not to think
of parting with just for a hasty word or so. But of course Mr
Sk--n--st--n must have his own way, and can’t believe any one to be in
the wrong but his wife, for he merely answered, that it was ridiculous
to think of it, for Norah was as combustible as a barrel of gunpowder,
and I was no better than a brimstone match to her. Whereupon I very
properly said that I didn’t know what on earth he meant by his brimstone
indeed, and that as for the matter of matches _he_ needn’t talk, for I
could tell him that he was more than a match for anybody--so come! Then
he went on with some more of his high-flown rubbish upon what I had said
about the woman’s own offer to work night and day for us, telling me
that I seemed to look upon all servants as mere bundles of muscles,
without for one moment thinking that the poor things had a heart as well
as I had; to which I, with my usual satire, answered--“Did I! then it
only showed how much he knew about it.”
As soon as Mr. Sk--n--st--n had left the house, and I had seen him well
off, I just slipt on my bonnet and shawl, and stept round to dear
mother’s, to ask the good soul for some of her valuable advice under the
painful circumstances.
Dear mother said she was truly gratified to find me flying to her bosom
in my moments of peril, and told me, with beautiful affection, that she
only lived for me and my father’s business now; though what with her
duty to me and my husband, my coming to her did place her so awkwardly,
that she really felt as if she was between two fires, and if she turned
her face to one, she would have the other on her back. She said it all
amounted to this--If she rowed in the same boat as myself, and went
against Edward, she must run him down in my presence, which would pain
her much to do; or else she must throw me overboard, and sink her own
child in order to find favour in Mr. Sk--n--st--n’s eyes; so that I must
see what a trying position hers was, and how wrong it was of me, as
matters stood, to ask her to express any opinion upon my husband’s
shameful, indecent, and, she would add, unmanly conduct. Of course, it
would never do for her, she said, to tell me that he had behaved to me
worse than a savage. But still this she would say, that if _her_
husband, my own father, had behaved to _her_ one half as brutally as Mr.
Sk--n--st--n had to _me_, that she would not have stopped in the house
of the monster another moment; and that though he had come after her the
very next day, begging and praying of her to return--as of course he
would--still she would have turned a deaf ear to all his entreaties, and
insisted upon having a handsome separate maintenance from the wretch,
and never willingly have set eyes upon him again. Not that she wished me
to understand that she was counselling me to do anything of the
kind--far from it; for, as she truly observed, she trusted she knew
herself too well to be in any way instrumental to the separation of
husband and wife; as it must be very clear to me, she added, that if
through anything she said, I might be induced to pack up whatever
dresses and jewellery Mr. Sk--n--st--n had presented me with, and leave
my ungrateful husband for ever, that maybe, when my dear little innocent
babe was born, I might repent of my rash step, and visit her with it.
This, she told me, she felt would be a dreadful punishment to her, and a
return, indeed, that she little dreamt of. So she really must again beg
and pray to be allowed to remain perfectly neutral in the business;
especially as from the insight she had had into Mr. Sk--n--st--n’s
character of late, she was sure that he would not act towards me as he
ought, but would settle on me an allowance that would scarcely procure
me the common necessaries of life. And how I was to live then, she would
not attempt to say.
Concerning Norah, however, she said it was quite a different thing, and
that she felt no such delicacy about taking that matter in hand, as,
from the experience she had had in the management of servants, (which,
of course, Mr. Sk--n--st--n could not possibly understand anything
about, or he would have known that kindness was utterly thrown away upon
the creatures,) she flattered herself that she would very soon bring the
woman to her senses, indeed. So she would slip her things on that very
moment, and step round with me to Miss Norah, although I told her that
she was too good to me, and that I was afraid that I was riding the
willing horse to death when I saddled her with the baggage.
When we reached our cottage _orné_, I allowed dear mother to go down
into the kitchen by herself, thinking it best not to interfere between
her and that spitfire of a Norah, as there was no knowing what the
consequences might be. I shouldn’t think she could have been away five
minutes, when up she came rushing into the room, with her face as white
as the head of a cauliflower, and all of a tremble, just like a
steam-boat. As soon as she had recovered her breath, (which indeed, has
been bad for these many years past,) she declared that it was quite a
mercy she had even been able to escape with her life up the kitchen
stairs, as she never had stood face to face with such a fury in all her
born days before; for directly she told the woman that she ought to be
ashamed of herself for the way in which she had treated so kind a
mistress, and that, for her part, she only wished that she had the
management of her, and she would take good care to rule her with a rod
of iron,--when, no sooner had she said as much, than the dragon screamed
out, “A rod of iron, is it?” and snatching up the heavy kitchen poker,
swore that, by the powers, if mother didn’t lave the kitchen directly,
she would crack her ugly ould nob for her like a cocoa-nut, saying the
likes of her had no rights in the kitchen at all at all, and she’d just
tache her not to put her foot in it agin. Then she twisted about the
great heavy kitchen poker over her head, and began capering and
screaming away, and then, giving vent to a horrible oath, the fury flew
after poor dear mother, and followed her half way up the kitchen stairs;
and mother said she really believed if the vixen could have caught hold
of her, that she would have been a melancholy corpse that
moment--adding, that if she were me, she would go down stairs that very
minute, and turn the blood-thirsty tigress out of the house, neck and
crop. When I very properly observed, that as she had so kindly
undertaken the management of the creature for me, I felt I should not
like to take it out of her hands, she said that as Norah Connor seemed
to object very naturally to her interference, she would have nothing
more to do with her--as, upon second thoughts, it certainly was no place
of hers.
When my mother found that I was determined not to have anything more to
do with Miss Norah, she said that if I chose to let the fury remain in
the house, I must abide by the consequences, and that if the spiteful
creature poisoned the whole family, I must not blame her. Indeed, the
woman was clearly so mad about leaving, that mother would stake her
existence that it wouldn’t be long before the vixen gave us such a dose
of arsenic--either in the pudding, the soup, or the vegetables, or
something--as would put a miserable end to both Edward and myself. And I
declare dear mother frightened me so by what she said, that I really
couldn’t get the arsenic out of my head for weeks.
Edward only laughed at me for my suspicions, and called me a stupid
woman, and pooh-poohed me in a most unfeeling manner. But the worst of
it was, that though he assured me he knew the disposition of Norah
Connor better than I did, still everything conspired to convince me that
I was a _doomed woman_--for the very day dear mother had filled my mind
with the horrid idea, I declare, if I didn’t knock down the
looking-glass off the dressing-room table and break it all to shivers,
which of course fully persuaded me that a death must shortly occur in
the family. And again, one evening, after tea, when I was sitting by
the fire with dear Edward, if as perfect a coffin as ever I saw in all
my life didn’t jump out from between the bars, and fell upon the
hearth-rug just close to my feet, while upon turning round, who can
imagine my horror when I saw hanging to the side of the candle one of
the clearest winding-sheets that I think I ever beheld.
I now perceived that there was no escape for me; for though the
looking-glass might mean any one in the family, and the coffin was quite
as near Edward as myself, still, alas! there was no mistaking the
winding-sheet, for it pointed right at me, and said, as plainly as it
could speak, “CAROLINE SK--N--ST--N, BEWARE!” so that, when I put the
looking-glass, and the coffin, and the winding-sheet together, I wished
anybody but myself would stand in my shoes, for it was clear that I had
already got one foot in the grave.
All this took such a hold of my mind, and I could see the finger of fate
pointing at me so plainly, that I declare I hadn’t courage to eat
anything for weeks, and so lost, by my foolish fears, many excellent
good dinners; for, indeed, I derived my chief nourishment from common
penny buns--and which really had so little in them to satisfy me, that I
declare I have very often eaten as many as fourteen a day--though in the
end I really found that I was falling away rapidly; for my fair readers
must be fully aware that it is utterly impossible to keep body and soul
together with penny buns. And I declare I had such a surfeit of the
puffy blown-out things, that really I have never been able to bear the
sight of them since.
And thus I went on, starving myself to death by inches, until one day,
Edward, having won a cause, dined at Westminster with the witnesses; and
then if a dog in the street didn’t keep howling and crying all the
evening, like anything--just opposite our house. When my husband
returned, he let out, quite by accident, whilst I was asking him about
what they had given him for dinner, that there were thirteen at table!
This completely quieted my fears, for I now plainly saw that all the
dreadful omens pointed at my husband and not at myself, while the simple
fact of the dog howling all the time the thirteen were at dinner,
completely convinced me that I was destined before long to _wear
weeds_.
The next day--as I now saw Fate had singled out its victim, and that my
dear Edward, and not myself, was doomed to be the melancholy martyr of
Miss Norah’s poisonous designs--I thought I might as well make a good
dinner for the first time these three weeks--though, with my usual
prudence, I determined to get some favourite dish for my poor husband,
so that he might enjoy it all to himself, and so that I might not be
called upon to partake of the same food as he did. But, that day, thank
goodness, Edward delighted me by bringing home one of his country
agents, a Mr. Fl--m--ng, to dinner with him; so I at once saw that, as I
carved, I should have an opportunity of trying the effect of the
different dishes upon the visitor before allowing my dear husband to
peril his precious life by partaking of them. For as I had to choose
whether Edward, who is a tolerably good husband, or Fl--m--ng, who is
far from a profitable agent, should fall a victim to Norah’s spite, of
course I could not help preferring the lesser evil, and sacrificing my
guest in order to save my spouse. So I took good care, all through
dinner, that directly my Edward expressed a wish to taste such and such
a dish, to prevail upon Mr. Fl--m--ng to try some of the same before I
allowed my husband to touch it, in order that I might observe what
effect it had upon him, poor man, before helping my dear Edward. But
with all my care, nothing would satisfy my self-willed husband, of
course, but some of the very veal cutlets that I’d had cooked for
myself, and which I’d made a point of not asking Mr. Fl--m--ng to touch,
in order that I might have them all to myself; so that there was I
obliged, after all, to make my dinner off potatoes and cheese.
Indeed, all that week--which, thank heavens, was to be the last of Norah
Connor’s stay with us--I took care always to have a friend to dinner; so
that, by this innocent _ruse de guerre_, I might keep my husband at
least out of danger. And so, thank goodness, I did; though, as it turned
out, I had only been starving myself upon penny buns, and trembling at
every meal for the life of Mr. Sk--n--st--n, all to no good at all; for
I verily believe now, from the way in which Norah parted with us, and
the sorrow she showed at so doing, that the poor woman really was too
much attached to us by half ever to dream of putting an end to us in so
unfeeling a manner.
When the day came for her to go, I declare the poor thing was dreadfully
cut up, and cried like a child; for she said she knew what I had
suspected her of, and told me, in quite a touching way, that “maybe her
timper was warrm, but still, by the powers, it wasn’t Norah that would
iver in cowld blood harrm the hair of my head, and that she wouldn’t
have tould me she was Cornwall, sure, hadn’t she known that to say she
came from Ould Ireland was like taking the blissed brid from her mouth,
and sartin to make me and my counthry people turn our backs upon her,
for sure and weren’t the Saxons always puttin’ at the bottom of their
adver-_tyze_-mints, No Irish need apply.”
We parted the best of friends, and I gave the poor, honest,
hard-working, open-hearted creature, either five shillings or
half-a-crown (I can’t exactly say which now), though I’m nearly certain
it was the larger sum, and for a quarter-of-an-hour at least she stood
on the door-step and did nothing but call me her mavourneen, and macree,
and a quantity of other outlandish names, and kept invoking blessings on
my head, and sobbing away as though she really _had_ got, as Edward said
a heart to break.