fast.
What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? His own
nose.
What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper.
Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo
went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.
Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have
eyes to see what they are doing.
A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two
ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three.
What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c
(expediency).
Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a
tip-top apple.
How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his
father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers.
Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly.
Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with
the strongest ties.
What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his
own mind.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern
composers.
Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
living.
Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because
it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you,
you can shut it up without giving offense.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the
press at his back.
What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen.
Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you
play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves.
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate
(a curate).
Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers
a horn to everybody he meets.
What should be looked into? A mirror.
Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has
Greece on the bottom.
I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not
be home without me. Letter O.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to
Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become
a little horse (hoarse).
In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart,
a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his.
When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire)
antique.
What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of
bad notes.
I am the first, and one of seven,
I live betwixt the seas and heaven;
Look not below, for I am not there,
My home is in the ancient air.
Come to my second, behold how fair
I am, how bright and how debonair;
A pleasant vision and a beauty,
A thing of life and joy and duty;
My youth is changed—I live alone,
My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;
My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,
My singing now is all heigh-ho.
A lass (alas).
What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental).
When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning
(morning).
Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their
tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.
Why is a book like a king? Because it has many pages.
When are two apples alike? When pared.
When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it
create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey,
the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of
China.
What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a
bar-maid.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common
’tatur (commentator).
Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the
owner of many tales and they all come out of his head.
What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they
are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster.
What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.
What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except
by sticking at it? Bill-posting.
Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out? Because she has
not a spark left.
In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel.
Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an
inspire-ring influence.
What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands
still? The road.
What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It
vanishes into the empty heir (air).
When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground.
When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged.
Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout.
Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is
bound by close ties.
What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries.
What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Happiness.
What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.
When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a
loan.
What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when
its days are not numbered.
What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they
die-just (digest) before they are eaten.
Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write.
Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out
of the heat.
Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer
(dear).
Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The
multiplication table.
What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature.
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in
the service.
Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a
tree down and then cuts it up.
Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host
himself.
Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a
woman.
Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point.
If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick
it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the
age of discretion.
What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key.
Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s
father? Because he could a tail unfold.
Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges.
When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a
boy.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow).
Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient
ground for remaining.
Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway?
There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one
of the reasons.
Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them.
Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it
is done with the pen.
When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One
irons your linen; the other steals it.
What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife
to return? Catches it when he gets home.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint.
What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan.
How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him.
Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are
stationary (stationery).
Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he
would always have a cataract in the eye.
What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle.
What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush
is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have
pistils, and the little twigs are shooting.
Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers.
Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a
dozen mouths.
Why is the fly the best one among the grocers’ customers? Because, when
he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot.
Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a
soar point with him.
Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds
himself he always has his cue.
What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper.
In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to
each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law.
Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy.
Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that
the men have to go out to smile.
Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm.
What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the
other breaks hearts.
What is the difference between man and butter? The older a man gets the
weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is.
When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went
back to bridge it (Bridget).
What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite.
How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one
crown.
Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil.
Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because
he is sea-cured (secured).
When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor.
Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.
What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your
private history is repeated by your neighbors.
When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats
to a bar.
If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a three-wheeled wagon is a
tricycle, what would you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of course.
Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways.
What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait).
What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can
sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.
How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high
time after dark.
When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
What is always behind time? The back of a clock.
What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine).
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a
strong will and the other is a strong won’t.
Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world?
A true balance, or pair of scales.
What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland.
Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia?
Because it has not had a nap in ten years.
Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every
post and at every house.
What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive.
What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the
wall with her back up.
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you
do in everything—excel (XL).
Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table.
Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it
in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you
find it.
Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head.
If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been?
“Ben-Hur.”
What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot
in his tail and call it a pig’s tie.
Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring.
Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren)
figtree.
If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of
stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.)
What is a good thing to part with? A comb.
If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you?
Your mother.
Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always
carries a spare-rib about him.
Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird’s nest? Because it
was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren).
For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted?
For dentistry, because they have a good pull.
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she
returns to dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful?
Because he does a driving business.
What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink.
Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work
without an auger (augur).
What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch.
Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard.
What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary.
Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well.
Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because
she’s a-mountin’.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O
(Scipio).
Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one
reign there in over fifty years.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is
sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away
pleasantly and then all at once boil over.
What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses.
Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood
will tell.
Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A
clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices.
How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs
in front and two behind.
How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through.
When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind.
Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its
insides would really be read.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is
two gross.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re
always for-getting something.
What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The
letter E.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it
is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue.
What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act.
When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring.
What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock.
What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table?
Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley
fragments.
When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient.
What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier.
What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is
hollowed in, the other is halloaed out.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s
giving a swimming lesson.
What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A
sculptor.
What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one.
How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do
better, they start on a small scale.
When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack.
What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.
What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives?
Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural.
When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself.
If a well known animal you behead,
Another one you will have instead.
Fox (f-ox).
Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is
pat-rolling.
Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her
own country.
Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and
the other is a sure horse.
When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell
the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance).
What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West
Virginia, on the Ohio.
What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says
nothing about it.
Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She’s a good looking
lass.
When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in
quarters.
Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the
spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay).
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by
the directions of strangers.
What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake.
What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells
watches and the other watches cells.
Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are
continually practicing at the bar.
What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal?
Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.)
What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive.
With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band.
What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle tree.
What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe)
of the Apostles.
Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is
continually taking notes.
Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A
looking-glass.
What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door?
John Knox.
Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the
players a cue.
Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the
Greek slave out of her clothes.
Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes.
What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys
it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know
it? A coffin.
Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every
suit.
When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to “all.”
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair?
A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell
affair.
Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be
settled when she arrives at maturity.
What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your
shoe.
Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he
wants bailing out.
What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for
bidding.
Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he
is very poor clay and should be fired.
Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures.
When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with
him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections
in his pockets.
What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each
of his children? Parents.
When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not
have a good batter.
Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg
you lose something to boot.
What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major.
Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the
prophets (profits).
What is political economy? Splitting your vote.
What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery.
What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try
us.
What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An
army.
What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her
watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes
one forget them.
Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is not fit for use until it is
broken.
Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball?
Because both look worn out when they lose their nap.
What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge.
When does a cook break the game law? When she poaches eggs.
Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because he smokes when
he is going out.
What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is
hottest.
Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Because
you put your foot in it.
Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning
ways.
Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill?
Because he’s the end horse, sir (endorser).
What money brings the most substantial interest? Matri-mony.
What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese actor loses his head? He is
pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time.
Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping
into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we cannot make it
out.
Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother’s government like a
rainbow? Because it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign.
BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS
Who was the first man spoken of in the Bible? Chap. I (chap first).
Who was the first woman spoken of in the Bible? Genesis (Jennis Sis).
At what time of day was Adam created? A little before Eve.
Spell “Adam’s Express Company” with three letters. E-v-e.
What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the
son’s answering? Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad).
Who was a very short man spoken of in the Bible? Nehemiah (knee-high
Miah).
Who was the strongest man spoken of in the Bible? Jonah, because the
whale couldn’t keep him down.
Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible? Samson, because he
brought the house down filled with his enemies.
Who was the shortest man spoken of in the Bible? Beldad the Shuhite
(shoe height).
Where was paper currency spoken of first in the Bible? Where the dove
left the ark and brought a green back.
Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although the
ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).
Who took the first newspaper? Cain took A Bell’s (Abel’s) Life, and
Joshua countermanded the Sun.
What proof have we that Moses was the most wicked man who ever lived?
Because he broke the Ten Commandments all at once.
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel (able).
Where was æstheticism first spoken of in the Bible? Where the Lord made
Balaam’s ass to utter.
When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve
presented Adam with a little Cain (cane).
What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam, because he was first in
the race.
When did Moses sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his fore fathers.
The following is a good sell if properly led up to: Who was the first
man? Adam? Who was the first woman? Eve. Who killed Cain? The answer
will very likely be Abel.
What did Job’s wardrobe consist of? Three wretched comforters.
What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve which
read backward and forward the same? Madam, I’m Adam.
Why was the first day of Adam’s life the longest? Because it had no Eve.
How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o’ dice was
taken away from them.
What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the
expulsion? Adam aint in (adamantine).
What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden? They raised
Cain.
Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife.
Why was Eve made? For Adam’s express company.
Who was the straightest man mentioned in the Bible? Moses, because
Pharaoh made a ruler of him.