eye open for business, and invariably carries its point.
When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground.
Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because every one of them has a
lock.
When is a man not a man? When he’s a shaving.
Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle? Because he
will smoke when he is going out.
When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
for a pupil.
Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars
invariably run over sleepers.
What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble? A cross bow.
My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, and my whole is part
of a ship. Cab-in.
What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt.
What tricks are most common among New York policemen? Patricks.
Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week? There is
always a Turkey in it.
Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one?
Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it.
Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment the ladies? Because the
pressure makes him flatter.
Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes).
What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One
makes fac similes, the other makes sick families.
What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s
mouth.
What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten.
Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because it didn’t answer.
Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the
world, and yet never five weeks old. The moon.
Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins).
My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a
State of America. Tennes see.
Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? Because we wish her to lay
on.
Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the centre of light.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.
Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because
when purchased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar.
Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Because their
families would suffer without the greenbacks.
In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak? In polly
silly-bills.
My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an
inhabitant of the deep. Her ring.
What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is
a bee-holder; a bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d ’tatur is
a bad potato.
What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality? Entertaining a
hope.
Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he’s a pupil
under the lash.
When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly in love? When attached
to a boy (buoy.)
My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower.
Prim-rose.
Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it
soon goes.
What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a
hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.
What fruit is the most visionary? The apple of the eye.
What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving?
The railroad.
What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they
compose? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes.
Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote from one another? Because,
although they may correspond, they never meet.
Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her
Stock-holm.
Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as
old as creation. Sun-day.
When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes
off.
What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older.
What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got
a stitch in them.
What is the difference between a young girl and an old hat? Merely a
difference of time—one has feeling and the other has felt.
What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?
Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock
is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops.
How do you know when night is nigh? When the t (tea) is taken away.
Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things.
If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At
Wanamaker’s, where everything is retailed.
Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? He
keeps his pupils in darkness.
Why is early grass like a penknife? Because the springs bring out the
blades.
Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It’s a
place where the sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet).
Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of
deeds.
Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it’s
between two seas.
What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She pulled his ears and trod on his
corn.
Why are some singers like cheese curds? Because they require to be
pressed.
Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what’s done cannot be
helped.
Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because she is always in advance of
the mail intelligence.
What article that we wear is most affectionate? A porous plaster,
because it becomes very much attached to us.
Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because he takes the pledge but
cannot always keep it.
Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite
(might).
Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad
spirits are permitted to enter them.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it).
Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off
in transports.
How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed
by a night (knight).
Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because they are kept down by tax
(tacks).
Why is the world like a slate? Because the children of men do multiply
thereon.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because its worsted.
What is the centre of gravity? The letter V.
What three letters turn a girl into a woman? A-g-e.
Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every
millionaire sure to be? A capital fellow.
What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by
yourself? Your name.
When is a soldier like an old toper? When he re-treats.
Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because he rarely appears until the
storm is over.
What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid
skims the milk, the swallow skims the water.
Why is a man’s face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because
it’s a chin-chilly.
What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but
died without a soul? The whale that swallowed Jonah.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
One uses wax candles—the other dips.
When is a doctor most annoyed? When he is out of patients.
Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one? A friend in need is a
friend indeed.
What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little
to say, yet generally carries its point.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because
it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight
(gesticulate).
What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house? Omit to pay your
water tax.
What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have
pistils.
What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform.
What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress.
When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and
taken in in the morning.
What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught.
Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him.
Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in
sauciness.
What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it.
When is a soldier a wagon maker? When he makes a wheel.
Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing.
How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced when he got married? He
became Mrs. Dewey’s second mate.
Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s
farthest from the bark.
Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams.
What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go.
When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of
body.
Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapidly in
the world and has excellent prospects.
What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? The
letter A, because it makes her hear.
What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green.
How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the
spring.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the
press at his back.
What subject can be made light of? Gas.
If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation is Dick to John? His
grandson.
When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased.
When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it
has a hole in it.
Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die
sinking.
Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? Because they are two
tonics (teutonics).
Why should the proof-reader of a printing establishment be considered
the best read man going? Because there’s proof that he reads every hour
of the day.
When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats.
If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what
would each one get? An equal share.
What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships.
Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich
ones? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without
either she cannot bank account (a count).
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
each of them.
Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning
nor end.
What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would
arrest him if he did not move on? I’d just like to see you.
What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a
Bacchanalian and the other a tobacconalian.
When Homer called the sea barren, why did it illustrate the age in which
he lived? Because it was before Cecrops (sea crops).
What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk,
the other gives way (whey).
Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky man? Because he is always the
thirteenth at table.
What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness?
They are the same thing, only different titles.
What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a
word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read,
it is the same. Civic.
What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It
must work or it can’t play.
Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then
thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family.
Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making
money? A dancing master.
In what respect does a piano lamp resemble a society-club man? It has a
good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably
brilliant, is sometimes unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when
only half full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at bed-time,
and is bound to smoke.
How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark
of the trees.
Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers when he handles the lines
behind a fine, well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a
spanking pair.
What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a
tail, and without a tail? A wig.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee.
Why are tallest people the laziest? Because they are always longer in
bed than others.
Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Noah,
because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was
in liquidation.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a
fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and
marked by degrees.
What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird.
Why don’t they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because
they can’t get a nickel out of a copper.
Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation.
Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes.
Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a
good licking from the English.
Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the yeast.
When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When its sat-in.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
When is a soldier like a king? When he appears with his pomp-on.
What object is walking over the water and under the water, yet does not
touch the water? A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of
water on her head.
Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is an internal transport.
When does a chair dislike you? When it can’t bear you.
Why is a duel quickly managed? Because it takes only two seconds to
arrange it.
What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax.
Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title.
What class of women are most apt to give tone to society? The belles.
What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never
lies in it? A river.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it is worsted.
What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a
ship? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity
of rocks.
What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes
is a woman and often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be
foul language.
Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read).
Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin
with little drops.
What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise.
Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a
gal-on (gallon).
Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly
polished but very hollow.
Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible
means of support.
What islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party?
Sandwich and Madeira.
What must a good surgeon have to be successful? He must have an eagle’s
eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand.
Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because it attacks the joints.
If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become!
Sin.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you
would be making game of him.
Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady
flame.
Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game
alive.
When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side
(go inside).
Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Because it is always
on the Spree.
Which is the favorite word with women? The last one.
Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by
cycles (bicycles).
Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it
but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she
married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L.
Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? Because they steel
their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their
dresses.
Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has
confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he
hears.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds
it.
What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he
had cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that attained a height of over
fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that.
Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill.
What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the
waves on the seashore? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied).
What bird is rude? The mocking bird.
Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Because it shaves
the green.
When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little
Indian in it.
Why are ships like fortunes? Because they are built on stocks.
How does a soldier know when it is time to fight? When he sees a
battle-me(a)nt.
At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question?
Acquiescence.
When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load.
Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew
a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than
others did.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin
till-late).
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done.
Why is a man happier with two wives than with one? He may be happy with
one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported.
Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because
it’s always on the rock, but never moves.
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails
(males) are tied up in bags.
Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? It embraces
everything.
What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A
Bunyan (bunion).
When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? When it’s in the papers.
Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when
found? Because it’s re-covered.
Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because he holds the reins.
Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? To save
their soles (souls).
Who was the most successful surveyor on record? Alexander Selkirk, for
he was monarch of all he surveyed.
Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner.
Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.
What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball.
Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when
we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a
negative.
What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and
which no one can tie? A cord of wood.
Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who
answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist.
When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? When it keeps stationary
(stationery).
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? It will give you many
good points.
Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they
write about face.
I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then
I went home with it because I could not find it. A sliver.
Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is
never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is
completely wound up.
Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight
out of mind.
How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a
stranger and he took him in.
When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.
Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? Because it contains fowl-in
pieces.
Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because it is the end of it that
people enjoy most.
What is the fruit of finance? Current coin.
How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth,
and went to blubber.
Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter.
Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays
at the same time.
Whose best works are most trampled on? The shoemaker, because good shoes
last longer than bad ones.
When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the
preserves.
Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because they do a great deal of
coupling.
When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an
understanding between them.
Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys.
Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s
past-your-age (pasturage).
Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is
the drawing room.
Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn field? Because so many
ears are there, and they would be shocked.
What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.
When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the
road.
Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp
sheets.
What fruit does a newly married couple resemble? A green pear (pair).
Can you tell the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the
moment.
Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity’s the sole of it.
Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are
never re(a)d.
Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot
be plain.
Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on
the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at
last.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at
the sound of wo.
What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork.
Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of
faults.
Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he
can always draw money.
What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks.
Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their
kisses.
What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the
occupant when it does? The rent.
What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract,
contract, and detract.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from
going too far.
Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they
must be turned out.
What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues.
Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law.
If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would
leave first? D would begin the descent.
When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear
both sides.
Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in
audible.
Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run.
If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s
mite.
Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman.
Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it
was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe).
What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you
may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi).
Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together?
Because the dog puts down three and carries one.
When is a house like a bird? When it has wings.
What moral lesson does the weather cock teach? It is vane to a-spire.
When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means.
When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII
dissolved the Pope’s bull.
Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his
calves there.
Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because
summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow).
Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint.
Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army.